[talaniman]

JDOP, That was a bad example, but aside from that the final choice is always yours and I may be blunt, I do recognize you have to do what you have to. No problem, just let us know if we can help.

[JDOP]

Hi,
I made a previous post here about my girlfriend breaking up with me and supposibly getting back with her ex.
I have done NC for about 1.5 months. The problem is that she lives nearby and we have a lot of common friends. I went to a new years eve party yesterday. I knew she was going to be there too but I decided to go anyway because I felt that I shouldn't let her control my life. When she got there, she ignored me. She didn't even give me a look. After a while my sister went over to talk to her about getting back with her ex. She denied everything, although I know 100 % for sure that they are involved. She even denies it to her best friends.
Later that evening I came across her, I wished her a happy newyear and all and I tried to start a casual conversation. When I asked "how's school" she answered: "is that the only thing you want to ask me?". Then I said "no" and I walked away.
The only thing I tried to do is act normal around her. I didn't want to see her, I didn't even want to talk to her. I justed wanted to be polite. I'm aware that breaking the NC is a bad thing but I really didn't have much choice. I didn't have the intention to get her back by talking to her, but of course, I still miss her like hell.
Is it too soon just to act like normal people around each other?

[ordinaryguy]

Is it too soon just to act like normal people around eachother?

Apparently it's too soon for her. You made a decent attempt at it and she refused, so you don't owe her anything more. Go back to full No Contact.

[Geoffersonairplane]

JDOP..

Everything is done and dusted here.

Go back to full no contact. It is the best thing for you and her.

[s_cianci]

I'd continue sticking to the no contact rule. Even if you find yourself in each others' presence, like at this New Year's Eve party, you can casually say "hello" but leave it at that. If she asks "is that all you want to say to me?", your answer should be "yes." Don't worry about if she's getting back with her ex or anything else that may be going on in her life.

[JDOP]

I know you're right. But now I'm on the verge of calling her. Not because I want her back (I don't, I don't even think I 'm in love with her anymore), but to say that she doesn't has to be afraid of me (which I think she is). That I'm not really mad at her. That if she wants to talk about it she can do it with me because she really seems messed up now, even more than I am.

[Nohitter410]

Please don't call her. There is no reason to. Because why tell her if she wants to talk about something she can. If she wants to, she will. Your focus should be nothing on what she does or what her actions. Whether she got back together with an ex doesn't mean anything to you. Your focus should be on no contact and getting your life together and moving on. You can still miss her and move on too. You said it yourself you don't want to get back together just wanted to talk to her. It is obviously hard for her so that means keep on going with full contact. And be less available. If you run into her so be it but don't let it consume it.

[talaniman]

You mean to say that after all the time and advice you have been given and even finding out for yourself that you need to let go, and move on your still on the verge of calling her to talk? Very hard headed and immature and not the way to start a new year. Spare us the drama and at least pretend like you get it.

[JDOP]

I will spare you the drama. Thank god there are still places like this to talk about your problems

[Nohitter410]

Nothing will ever be clear cut and be perfect the way you want. If it was you would wake up every morning and everything you ever wanted would be there for you.Why settle for something that doesn't even want you 100% and has someone else right now? Are you not good enough to find someone better. At least tell yourself you are. Confidence will do all the world for you. My ex is now back together with someone and even though she may still be in love with me doesn't mean anything. I enjoy being single and doing what I want to do. The excitement of being young and having the world at my finget tips is what drives me every day.

I want to make something of myself and make a difference and a woman is not how I will accomplish that. I want a woman but I definitely don't need one. I am just having fun and enjoying life and in no hurry to stop my life for one person. Take that advice and I know you will. The hardest part is telling yourself you can find someone else because your head and heart tell you she was the best thing. But if she was the best she would still be there and sometimes her leaving doesn't mean she never has to be in your life again. Move on completely and maybe at some point communcation can come back but not at the EXPENSE YOU.

It is a new year and a start of something great. You only get one life. And everyday you have the rest of the day to start a new beginning. No matter what happens early on or the mistakes that have happened, you can still start over.

[Geoffersonairplane]

Excellent advice Nohitter, sorry had to spread the rep so could not rate you.

JDOP, listen to nohitter here, all of his comments above really make sense.

[Nohitter410]

Thanks Geoff I really appreciate it

[Wildcat21]

The only advice in that situation I would give is MAKE HER LAUGH!! Tease her - make light fun of her drink, the party, what she's wearing. Act indifferent as well.

You seemed, even in your post, all uptight and insecure. Walking away was pretty bad. IF you can't talk to her then AND HAVE FUN - then what type of impression did you leave with her? Not good.

You should have teased her. You put too much inportance into running into her I bet. Not good for business.

No boring questions going forward. How's school? Can it get any more boring. How about - how are all the guys you're dating? And then smile. Be confident.

AND always - your life is great - having a grea time. Things are great.

Lighten up - be the fun guy.

BTW - I hope you get what I am saying. Do you want to be the fun guy... or the guy asking how's school? Seriously. Time for some changes.

[JDOP]

I had a great time that evening, until she walked in (fortunately pretty late). I admit that I was feeling uptight and that I have put way too much importance on seeing her. The thing is though, when I saw her, that I wasn't as heartbroken as I thought I would be. It even made me realize that maybe I'm not even in love with her anymore. She didn't attract me or something. But of course I was nervous, after all, it was the first time I saw her after the break-up. The thing that upset me most was her pretending that I wasn't even there. And when she had no choice but to meet me, she was just plain rude. The reason I walked away was, because when I asked how's school, some girl came up to her and said something to her. I walked away because I didn't want to be a moron standing there waiting until I had her attention. For the record, I don't want her back, even if she asked me to. She is a lying slut. I just want to avoid very awkward situations like this one, because I will see her again. I feel like I'm in a soap opera, that she is creating. I don't understand why she is acting this way and I mean not only at the party but the fact that she is together with her former ex and then denying it to everybody; By the way, she was pretty drunk.

I want to be the fun guy. I AM a fun guy. She knows that as we were a couple. I'm not sonervous anymore about seeing her again. If I bumped into her again (which I will), I think I wouldn't give a sh*t anymore. This situation is this at the back of my head all the time but I'm not going to let it control my happyness and my fun anymore.

[Wildcat21]

Be the fun guy - make fun of her (in a light way) - it shows a lot - that you Don't give a rats azz.

Women can smell fear a mile away.

[JDOP]

Thank you for your excellent advice nohitter and wildcat. It really really helped me a lot. I just found out from my friends that she was kissing with this jerk the same night when I was out for a smoke, a half a hour after she denied being iinvolved with him. What is up with that. When I find out about this , at first it feels like being punched in the stomach, but after some time it only feeds my original feelings: resentment, indifference.

[Wildcat21]

Here's another deal... there will ALWAYS be other guys. ALWAYS. Sometimes even after marriage.

You don't care.

Check out our post on 'nice guys' - I a mnot saying you're a 'nice guy' - but there are some great tips that may really, really help you.

Sorry - but she can't help herself - it's a NEW guy and he probably doesn't put much importance into this right now. He's the fun, CHALLENGE guy.

[JDOP]

That's the irony :) It isn't a new guy. It is her former ex who never got over her and practically stalked her the first months we were together. It's a joke, that's what it is, a cruel joke.

[ForeverZero]

What's helping me get through a similar situation is the understanding that the person you dated and fell in love with for so long isn't the person she is right now. That person may never come back, and its your job to realize that.

I don't know if it was apparent to you, but judging by the story you told, she's frustrated with you right now. That whole "is that all you wanted to ask me" thing is about your sister. She thinks you put your sister up to your dirty work and doesn't appreciate that. Weather or not you did is up to you.

It sounds to me like you need some power right now, and the less you care, the more power you have. It's hard, even when you still do care, you can't show it to these people. Remember, who you care about isn't her right now. Save it for when the time comes that she comes back to being the girl you fell in love with. If she doesn't, then think of how happy you're going to make some other girl with how much you can give now.

[Wildcat21]

That what I was saying - there are always ex's as well. There are always other guys and as you get older you will have history with several women - and the girl your seeing will have history.

It's not a cruel joke - it's how you handle things - but MORE importantly what you learn!