[Cat1864]

why can't i get over the certain details that happend that's when i start to have a bad day

Keep firmly in mind that you are just starting down this path together. I am sure she has her moments of doubt, too. What is important at this stage is that you learn to forgive yourselves and work on forgiving each other.

It will take time to let all of the details go. Give yourselves that time.

[Wondergirl]

It takes time. You are just going to have to rise above your feelings and find ways to compensate -- think about fluffy squirrels instead or about wiggly puppies or about chocolate ice cream or maybe figure out a way to put a positive spin on it. Things happened to me years ago and I thought I would never, ever forget them. Guess what -- I can't remember them anymore. Time will heal this too, but meanwhile spin it in a good way for your own sake.

[HRIVERA]

Do you think I should bring this up today in counseling

[Cat1864]

do you think i should bring this up today in counseling

If it is keeping you from moving forward, then it might be an idea to bring it up.

[JudyKayTee]

The purpose of counselling is to help when there are problems - if this is a problem, by all means bring it up.

If you don't disclose the full story you are wasting your time.

[HRIVERA]

Went to counselling yesterday told him in front of her that I felt like giving up I felt too much pressure he asked me what pressure I told him to fullfil her every need and desire 100% he said your sprinting into this you have to walk/crawl threw this you (me) put exceptations that no man could every reach he said a real man accepts himself for what he is and he asked her how do you feel about this she agreed he (me) is trying to do too much to fast and if he kept this up he was going fail. All she wants is me for me, I think that is why I got caught up on details I was thinking that is what the other man was the PERFECT man he you can't think of her or him you can only worrie about yourself she is willing to accept me for me and I'm willing to accept her for her and what she is *hit happens were human,after that session I felt this pressure relase of be you for all your worth flaws and all ,I'm me what you see is what I am if that's not enough for you(her)
I'm sorry but this is me...

For anyone going threw this have faith in yourself.. buddah wrote "All that we are is the result of what we have thought. If a man speaks or acts with an evil thought, pain follows him. If a man speaks or acts with a pure thought, happiness follows him, like a shadow that never leaves him.
Buddha

On life's journey faith is nourishment, virtuous deeds are a shelter, wisdom is the light by day and right mindfulness is the protection by night. If a man lives a pure life, nothing can destroy him.
Buddha"

This is my new montra on life

[HRIVERA]

Okay people were doing awesome everything is great this is a question I can't answer myself I still want to marry her and she still wants to marry me I don't know if its still to soon she says she doesn't think so I need opnions everyone chim in give me some advice we have lived together for 10 years and we both agreed that the reason we didn't get married before is because we were doing our own thing (cheating) what do you think

[Wondergirl]

the reason we didnt get married before is becasue we were doing our own thing (cheating) what do you think

Are you both done with that now?

Marriage is for better or for worse. There will probably be bad things happening along the way ("the worse" part of your vows). You've managed to stay together for ten years. That certainly says something. There are children involved. That definitely says something. Are you willing to go to counseling if "the worse" pops up? Are you planning to stay together anyway, even if not married? If so, then get married.

What does the counselor say?

[HRIVERA]

What do you means the worse part of your vow's what is if the worse pop's up? If were married or not we plan on staying together

[Wondergirl]

what do you means the worse part of your vow's what is if the worse pop's up? if were married or not we plan on staying together

The "worse" in marriage vows (that might demand counseling) --

Death of a child
Serious auto accident
Serious illness
Terminal illness
Loss of a limb by one of the partners or children
Chronic illness that stresses the entire family
House burns down
Child has learning disability
Teenage child acts out/gets pregnant/runs away from home/lands in jail

Want more ideas?

[JudyKayTee]

what do you means the worse part of your vow's what is if the worse pop's up? if were married or not we plan on staying together

If you aren't aware of the bad things that can happen in life, I would suggest that you not get married.

[positiveparent]

Hi Hrivera

Ive read through all the posts in this thread, and I say all credit to you, you're being very sensible and responsible too, and that's to be commended.

In response to your question about getting married,it may be better to get more counselling to ensure you have both resolved all past issues then consider getting married, that way you know you're going into the marriage with a completely clean slate.

That can only be a good thing.

Good luck with the counselling, to both of you, and Im sure you'll end up living the happy ever after. Well Done for getting this far..

[HRIVERA]

The "worse" in marriage vows (that might demand counseling) --

death of a child
serious auto accident
serious illness
terminal illness
loss of a limb by one of the partners or children
chronic illness that stresses the entire family
house burns down
child has learning disability
teenage child acts out/gets pregnant/runs away from home/lands in jail

Want more ideas?

We see those are more of life changes not the worse in a marriage those items are out of our control so to answer yes we are both willing to deal with that


We have already have a child with a disability and we have dealt with a death in our family and we are aware of the bad things that can happen in life we just know that none of those thing are out of our control

[Wondergirl]

we see those are more of life changes not the worse in a marriage those items are out of our control so to answer yes we are both willing to deal with that

Those are NOT life changes. Getting old is a life change. Children growing into teenagers is a life change. Moving to a different house is a life change. The list I gave you gives upsetting, even traumatic happenings that can cause a marriage to fail (and have caused marriages to fail).

It's so easy to say, "Oh, no big deal. We can deal with that. No problem." I pray you don't have to deal with any of those problems on my list, but some are inescapable. If you have dealt with some of them, and dealt with them together as a loving couple and family, good for you,

[HRIVERA]

Those are NOT life changes. Getting old is a life change. Children growing into teenagers is a life change. Moving to a different house is a life change. The list I gave you gives upsetting, even traumatic happenings that can cause a marriage to fail (and have caused marriages to fail).

It's so easy to say, "Oh, no big deal. We can deal with that. No problem." I pray you don't have to deal with any of those problems on my list, but some are inescapable. If you have dealt with some of them, and dealt with them together as a loving couple and family, good for you,.

I understand that its easy to say OH NO BIG DEAL but also we can't worry about the unknown,but how do you know if you are ready for those situtations ? Is there any way to tell or do you have to have faith that the "marriage" you have is strong enough to sustain those problems

[JudyKayTee]

Yes - there is a way. It's total commitment to the marriage. When you say the "better or worse, richer or poorer, sickness or health" part you need to have a complete realization of what that means. I was amazed by the statistics of the number of marriages that fail when a terminal illness is involved.

[HRIVERA]

We have spoken to each other and what the marriage contract consist of and we both are in agreement that we feel that we can face the world together as a whole and handle what ever it can throw at us but it is easier said than done.we just feel that if we can live threw this and still want to spend the rest of our lives together we can handle anything but again actions speak louder than words maybe this is a question for the counseler

[Cat1864]

maybe this is a question for the counseler

I think that may be the best person to consult. The counselor has talked to both of you and can give you a more informed opinion.

I, personally, think you should wait a bit longer and give counseling some more time to work. From what you have said, I think you both are committed to the relationship. I just want you to give time for things to become more settled and to give yourselves more time to be certain the past is in the past. Some of the saddest questions to me are the ones where one partner thought he/she was over the past but now he/she is having doubts. I don't want you to have those doubts.

Good luck. :)

[talaniman]

After 10 years and all you have been through, what's the hurry now? I have been following this thread, and indeed a lot of progress has been made, but there is still much to do.

I think you both continue to talk to a counselor, and ask her guidance about marriage first.

You may as well take the time to do it right by the numbers.

[HRIVERA]

Counseling has been going great he informed us that we are making such good progress that we are on a as need basis he also told us that he think that we are ready for marriage he words were why not you have faced your demons together and drug each other threw hell and back and you still love each you both have looked at this from what did I do to make this happen not what did the other person do I can say life is good right now