[banerg]

My wife used to work with this guy almost 11 years back, they were in the same department and so had very close contact during work - which later developed in to friendship. I do not know the extent - that guy came to my house and met me. And that was that - not much at the time. We move out of the country and then my wife had no contact with him for 10 yrs.

Then last year she moved back in to the country without me (I could not join her for some reason and we lived apart for one year) and within days of landing, she creates this secret email account and initiates the contact with that guy. At that time I obviously had no idea what was going on.

When after a year, I stumbled upon her email account, I was able to get in and there I saw about 10 emails from him. One of the first emails from my wife asked for his phone number to be sent to that account. Other emails were regular "Hello - Hi" kind of emails. But since the phone numbers were exchanged, it is very natural to assume that conversation was now off-line rather than online.

So now when I found out about this email account I confronted my wife and she accepted that she did correspond over the emails and they spoke on phone for just 4 - 5 times. And they just talked about very general things.

This incidence has made me so upset.

Why contact that guy which you had no contact for so long - does that mean anything? Why him?

She said they are casual friends - so then why hide all this communications from me? For one year?

She said their communication was just catching up - does it take 10 emails (that I know of) and 4 - 5 phone calls (that she accepts) to "catch up"?

She said that she wanted someone to vent how unhappy she was with the move back - so my question - she had to pick that guy (a relative stranger - as far as I know) to vent out? I called my wife everyday in the last one year and she didn't think she could vent out with me?

I so confused, feel so humiliated, so betrayed. Earlier I trusted her blindly - literally - and god is my witness, never ever once doubted her, but now I just don't think it will be possible. And I think she is so selfish - when I was alone, I had to go through significant hardships for our family's sake and she negated all those hardships by doing this.

Am I wrong? Am I wrong in feeling cheated? Is this a "small" error in judgment on my wife's part or do you think she may have more behind the story. As for the proof, I just have those 10 emails and whatever she told me. I have no proof nothing.

Please help.

[confusedangel74]

That does sound like a tough situation, and I'm sorry you have to go through that. Does she still talk to him often? What kind of emails were they? Were they ones that would consitute of being in an "emotional relationship"

[JudyKayTee]

I don't understand how she negated the hardships you went through. She obviously felt she couldn't "vent" to you and so she went to an old friend who listened to her. After seeing your reaction to her talking to this guy I can see why she was concerned about venting to you.

I have both male and female friends. If I talk to someone, email someone, that doesn't mean I'm cheating on my husband. However, if there becomes an emotional attachment in my eyes, I am. That doesn't happen.

[banerg]

I don't understand how she negated the hardships you went through. She obviously felt she couldn't "vent" to you and so she went to an old friend who listened to her. After seeing your reaction to her talking to this guy I can see why she was concerned about venting to you.

I have both male and female friends. If I talk to someone, email someone, that doesn't mean I'm cheating on my husband. However, if there becomes an emotional attachment in my eyes, I am. That doesn't happen.

I would think if I had neglected her in anyway, then it is still understandable. However, I know I have tried everything I could to share her feelings, let her know how important she was to me or how much I loved her. So if she had anything to "vent" she could have trusted me which she did not do.

Additionally she went behind my back, sought out this guy and hid the fact from
Me. I have nothing against friendship, but hiding that from your spouse of 11 yrs, is something which I am finding hard to accept.

And when I say "negated" my efforts, I mean if she was doing all this when I was working hard to make things better for our family-I would call that making a mockery of my efforts. Who did I have in that year to share my pains? Would it acceptable if I started communicating with old female friend and not tell my wife about that contact?

[JudyKayTee]

I don't know what would or would have been acceptable in your situation - I answered the question you posed.

Your wife felt she couldn't talk to you. You say she wasn't neglected; she obviously felt there was some sort of problem. I don't know which one of you is right. I suspect she did not confide in you based on your reaction to her contact with her old friend.

If you cannot get past this - both of you - I see a separation in your future.

And, yes, I think emotional cheating is, in fact, as harmful as physical cheating. I just don't know that she did that. If talking to this guy helped her get through whatever was going on, maybe you should be grateful to him.

I don't understand why you are so threatened by telephone and email conversations.

Maybe I'm just not easily threatened - in my case, by other women.

[Cat1864]

And when I say "negated" my efforts, I mean if she was doing all this when I was working hard to make things better for our family-I would call that making a mockery of my efforts. Who did I have in that year to share my pains? Would it acceptable if I started communicating with old female friend and not tell my wife about that contact?

Somehow, I get the feeling that you are 'negating' what she went through because you are angry and upset. How did her having a friend-male or female-negate or truly make a mockery of anything? She tried not to make things worse for you because YOU were the one who couldn't move back to the country with her.

How many other old friends did she get in contact with or even attempt to contact?

Why didn't you share your feelings with her during that year? Your question of 'who did you have' implies that you bottled up how you were feeling instead of sharing with her.

Were you left behind in the country you had lived in for 10 years when she went back to your home country? Did you not make friends with anyone in those 10 years?

IF you want your marriage to work, counseling might help.