[mc1217]

this is very long, but I've been in a new city for 1 week, no friends, 7 hrs from any family… please help me

I am 22; my "boyfriend" is 24. I guess I'll use the term "boyfriend" for this post… too painful to call him anything else.

we have been together for a little over 3 years. Since the first day we started talking, not one day has passed where we did not speak with one another. We are/were? Best friends… told each other everything/supported one another/relied on one another/etc… BUT the entire relationship has been long distance

we met while we were attending different universities for our undergrad degrees. We got to visit each other every month though, and during academic breaks (summer, xmas, thanksgiving, spring, etc…) we spent longer durations of time together. Regardless, it was a very serious relationship, and I know this (in regards to our feelings for one another/commitment to one another)

we BOTH talked in detail about marriage/kids. I didn't "read into" anything. He made statements about OUR future TOGETHER all the time. We were never officially engaged, but we both admitted that we thought of one another as each other's fiance… he gave me a diamond promise ring & we were waiting to get officially engaged once we had both graduated form college & he had the money for an engagement ring (full time students + spending what little money we did have on gas, etc to see one another every month= a fairly broke couple).

last month we both graduated & we had started "apartment-hunting." we both were so excited (or so he came off that way) about FINALLY starting our lives together-- with one another!

it came closer to the time where we needed to find a place to live together (b/c I was moving to further my education... I'm taking a post-bacc. Certificate program for my career). Once he secured a full time job, we would move in together (we BOTH agreed that I would do this certificate thing for 3 months, while he worked. Then, he could go to grad school if he wanted, & I would work).

since it looked like he wouldn't have a job by the time I started school, I moved into the dorms last week. For the first time in our 3+ years together, we were only an 1 hr & 20 minutes from one another (as opposed to what it had been… 4 hours). He talked about how happy this made him-- to be closer to me.

ironically, last week (around the same time I moved into the dorms) he accepted a "temp-to hire" full time job. He was excited & continued to make statements about our future… I thought the proposal was just around the corner. Monday he visited me & we had a great "date night" together.

then, Thursday night, he writes me a long email. I won't post the whole thing, as it is very long, but here is some of it:

_________

I feel like I'm standing on a launch pad waiting to be shot off into my "official life." And the closer it gets to launch time, and the more things keep changing, the more I start to think and worry. I start thinking "wait, I'm not ready! I'm not completely sure about everything." This grown up stuff has really come up on me quickly, and now that it's all here, I feel like I have to scramble to make sure everything is in place in order to start the life that I am sure about.

I feel like I've been speeding through my early adult life in a daze. And now that this is all coming to a point where I need to be able to stand on my own two feet, I need to take it seriously- to get back in touch with myself and to be honest with myself about my wants and needs.

*HE THEN ASKED FOR A "BREAK" …STATING HE DIDN'T KNOW ANY SPECIFICS OF WHAT IT WOULD ENTAIL, INCLUDING ITS DURATION*

I just know I would be doing myself a huge disservice if I didn't take just a little bit of time before starting my official life to make sure I'm doing everything right. In fact, our plans to be together and to begin a family doesn't feel wrong at all. But at the same time, it is scary because this is the last opportunity I have to take some time to reassess everything before making that first huge step by moving away from home.

I need to do this before I can move on with anything in life- to think about things (not just us, but also what I want in a career, etc). I need to feel like I am in control of my future- to both reflect on my past and visualize where I want to be.

…I love you and care about you. You have done absolutely nothing wrong. You are always so wonderful. I am very sorry because I know how much I am hurting you right now, especially at this time when you're just starting at a new school. Just know that I wouldn't put you through this if I didn't feel it was so important.
_________________

I am BLOWN AWAY! I didn't see this coming at all! He was always talking about our future… up until Thursday! I thought I would be planning a wedding soon! I'm crushed… I'm in so much pain, it hurts to be awake. My body is literally sore. One reason I chose the school that I am currently enrolled in, is because it was closer to his home (his parents' house). Now I'm 7 hrs away from my family, & he wants out?

He texted me yesterday (the day after it happened)-- saying hi-- I didn't respond. I'm too hurt.

PLEASE GIVE ME THOUGHTFUL & OBJECTIVE ADVICE…

Here is a little what I'm thinking:

-A relationship is not something you take a "break" from--- you work together when you're struggling as individuals; the relationship is a support system- not a burden

-If he REALLY loved me… he wouldn't be doing this… would he?

-i talked to him on the phone that night he sent the email… he said he still loves me, but we wouldn't say "i love you" if we talked over the phone during this "break"

-we've been LONG DISTANCE- how do u want a BREAK when we only see each other monthly!

-he is having doubts of whether I am in his future (as his wife), then why do I want to be with someone like that?

I can't imagine not being with him, but at the same time, should I risk being with someone who is so scared about his future, he's questioning me, his best friend?

I am so in love with him… I miss him terribly. I can't sleep. I can't eat. I can't concentrate on school. AND IT'S BEEN 1 DAY!

The big question is, if he decides he wants to continue things, what do I do? No matter what happens now-- the minute that email was written- the trust in the relationship was broken. How can I go on being with someone, assuming if he wants to be with me, knowing that he had such serious doubts about us, that he needed time without me-- after 3 years! I have so much anger towards him now… if we ever were officially together again, I don't know how I'd "let go" of those feelings.

PLEASE help me :(

[redhed35]

Your post was very touching,and your pain and confusion stands out in your words.

In your post you have hit the nail on the head as regards to what a relationship should be,in relationship that end suddendly its difficult to factor in what someone is really thinking and feeling,I've no doubt he is hurting too,and from the sounds of your relationship this was a very considered decision on his part,its cold comfort to you,but at least he is being honest with you, and himself.

Better to end it now then later if you got married.

He did the right thing, by you and himself.

What to do now?

You need emotional support,can you go home for a while,be around your family,and people who love you.

No contact,as hard as it is,no contact will give you head space and breathing space,your in shock and pain right now,even if he is concerned for you,now is the time to look after YOU.

Breakups hurt,and broken trust hurts even more.

If I can suggest the stickies in the relationship forum for you to read,you will get a lot of insight,tips and support from the posts.

[talaniman]

The transition from starry eyed kids, to responsible adults can be very scary.

I think when you get beyond the emotions, and feelings you may be understanding his need to slowdown, and think, as his description is a telling oneI feel like I'm standing on a launch pad waiting to be shot off into my "official life." And the closer it gets to launch time, and the more things keep changing, the more I start to think and worry I start thinking "wait, I'm not ready! I'm not completely sure about everything." This grown up stuff has really come up on me quickly, and now that it's all here, I feel like I have to scramble to make sure everything is in place in order to start the life that I am sure about.
.

Yes I agree this is something that a couple works on together, but a couple also knows when a partner needs some space, and time to adjust his thinking, feelings, and actions and overcome his fears.

That's what you need to do, let him deal with his fear, and decide for himself without your influence, how he will make adjustments for himself. That means you keep your cool for a while. Honestly that's what defines most couples, how they handle not only the adversity that life throws at them, but the conflicts that come from within.

As you say its only been a day, so stay strong for yourself, and don't fall apart, but give it some time as he asks, because that's the best way to handle your first break. By not panicking. This is also your test as well as his. Coping with your emotions in a positive way, while he gathers his courage up.

I Think he is right, as reality says the kid stuff is gone, and its time to man up. That's what reality, and life does to us all. The trick is dealing with it, and keeping your sanity, and growing through it.

So don't panic now, your just starting, so keep a cool head, have faith, and deal with this as an adult. That means keep working on you while he gets his stuff together without your influence.

[mc1217]

I appreciate the responses... I can't go home. The program is an accelerated one, 3 months of intense work (usually accomplished in a year). I don't have classes on saturdays or sundays, but I'm 7 hours away from family, without a car.

I just don't know what to think... how long am I supposed to wait? This is torture & it's been 1 day. I can't keep doing this- thinking every second, "i wonder if he's gonna call...text...email...."

But I also want to be with him so badly... I've had a really hard life, & he was the one person that made everything that was bad, good (in simple terms)

Should I call and say we need to be done for good? It's not what I want at all, but I don't want this bullsh*it "break" either... don't I need to have some self-respect?

If he comes back & says he wants to be with me-- should I trust him again? How could I even begin to do that? I feel as though he has literally broken me... & "us"... whatever we were/are

[talaniman]

You don't have to do anything for 3 months, but what is required of you for your studies. Do so. And by then the emotional dust will have settled, and the shock will have worn off.

Focus on what you have in front of you, and leave him alone. Trust me, he ain't going anywhere.

[redhed35]

For now you need to concentrate on you,do not call or make contact,as talaniman has said,how you act and react now will tell a lot.

Go for a walk,clear your head,I can't stress the benefits of exercise in times of emotional stress,eat something.

Clean your room,do a clothes detox,even though you don't feel like doing anything right now,give him space,give him time,you calling is not going to make any difference at this time,only make you feel worse.

[positiveparent]

I think in many ways this b/f is doing the right thing, its so easy to fantasise about a wonderful future.

When you and he talked in the past basically that's all it was ,Talk.

I would think he meant all he said to you at those times and he probably also fully intended doing what he said too, however when it came to the time for it to materialise and the cold harsh reality of it all and what it all meant he's panicked and got cold feet, he's possibly terrified of the reality of it all and feels he needs time to think about that aspect of it.

I know you must be feeling devastated, I would think he is too.

Going out into the Adult world is a difficult transition for any young adult, and to do so by embarking upon a full time serious relationship would be a terrifying thought to some.

Let him have this time to think it through he hasn't betrayed you he's merely faced with the full reality of the plans you both made and he's scared.

Don't be hard on him he wants to do the right thing, however right now he's scared.

If you let him have this space and time to himself, to sort this out in his mind I would think he will come back to you and you can then take it from there.

If you don't let him sort this out you'll definitely lose him I would say.

I accept you feel betrayed and let down, but really its better this happens now than say 5 years down the road when you might have children and a mortgage to contend with.

[mc1217]

But if he comes back... then what? If I agree to start things again, I will always know that he had those doubts... that he was unsure, even after all the love between us. I don't know if I could live with that. You either know the person is "the one," or you don't.

[88sunflower]

The transition from starry eyed kids, to responsible adults can be very scary.

I think when you get beyond the emotions, and feelings you may be understanding his need to slowdown, and think, as his description is a telling oneI feel like I'm standing on a launch pad waiting to be shot off into my "official life." And the closer it gets to launch time, and the more things keep changing, the more I start to think and worry I start thinking "wait, I'm not ready! I'm not completely sure about everything." This grown up stuff has really come up on me quickly, and now that it's all here, I feel like I have to scramble to make sure everything is in place in order to start the life that I am sure about.
.

Yes I agree this is something that a couple works on together, but a couple also knows when a partner needs some space, and time to adjust his thinking, feelings, and actions and overcome his fears.

Thats what you need to do, let him deal with his fear, and decide for himself without your influence, how he will make adjustments for himself. That means you keep your cool for a while. Honestly thats what defines most couples, how they handle not only the adversity that life throws at them, but the conflicts that come from within.

As you say its only been a day, so stay strong for yourself, and don't fall apart, but give it some time as he asks, because thats the best way to handle your first break. By not panicking. This is also your test as well as his. Coping with your emotions in a positive way, while he gathers his courage up.

I Think he is right, as reality says the kid stuff is gone, and its time to man up. Thats what reality, and life does to us all. The trick is dealing with it, and keeping your sanity, and growing thru it.

So don't panic now, your just starting, so keep a cool head, have faith, and deal with this as an adult. That means keep working on you while he gets his stuff together without your influence.

Greenie your way also Tal.

[88sunflower]

but if he comes back... then what? if i agree to start things again, i will always know that he had those doubts... that he was unsure, even after all the love between us. i don't know if i could live with that. you either know the person is "the one," or you don't.

I don't think everyone instantly knows if you are with the right one or not. You could be with him and years down the road even question if he was right for you or not. Its called life. Sometimes you sit and ponder on choices and roads traveled and what might have been.

I agree with the others they have very good points. Leave him to his time and you focus on your three month class and you do the best you can do in those studies. You had three years of day dreaming and talking of your future. That future is almost here and reality is pretty darn scary for some people. Maybe it all came upon on him faster then he was ready for. Maybe inside he isn't ready for that adult life. Maybe he feels since you talked about it so much that your expecting it all to happen right now. Maybe he feels pressure to pursue this life with you when in reality he isn't sure what life is about just yet.

Your both at a transition. Its hard. These cross roads can be stressful and he may need time to realize which road to take. I am sure he loves you. If he didn't he wouldn't have used such honest words with you.

[ZoeMarie]

You've gotten a lot of good advice on this thread. You've been together for 3 years and it's going to be hard to do the no contact, but it's so important. I do think, and maybe I'm the only one that thinks this, but if he texts you again, just a simple response, "you asked for a break and I need to give you a break." He needs to be able to see how life is without you, the time to miss you, if it actually is meant to work out.

I could be mistaken, and I'll let others correct me if needbe, but I do think complete avoidance, even though he asked for a break, could be misunderstood if not explained properly. At least in this situation..

[talaniman]

you either know the person is "the one," or you don't.

I hear you! Unfortunately life is not so simple for some of us, and to assume its like that for everyone is NOT realistic, practical, or very UNDERSTANDING!

Even now you think he is the one, and you want him desperately to BE the one, but in fact, you don't know that. How can you? Its only been a day or so and you're already questioning the last 3 years of bliss and plans, AS IS HE.

You are in shock, and denial, right now, and the confusion is quite understandable, probably your first glitch in some lofty plans.

This is the beginning, not the end, of a journey into the reality of adulthood.

Sorry but cope with it, in an adult manner.

[88sunflower]

This is the beginning, not the end, of a journey into the reality of adulthood.

Once again, greenie your way tal. That was awesome right there. Perfect.

[positiveparent]

Ive been sat here reading through the OP and replies a few times.

I would say that perhaps the OP has forgotten that there are 2 people involved in this, herself and her b/f, it isn't all about just the OP.

From what I am seeing the b/f is wanting to be responsible and make sure he's doing the right thing.

Im also thinking perhaps the OP isn't the right one for the b/f.

Because true love is unconditional, it isn't I love you but.. or I love you if... or I love you... anything.

Its I Love You for who you are what you are whatever happens, I Love You knowing that you may not Love me back, I love you for you I love you with flaws, I love you because I want to Love you it's a conscious choice made. It has no conditions attached to it. If you Love a person really love a person, you won't accuse them of betraying you for wanting to make sure they're making a responsible decision.

You'll know they're being a responsible person and accept that and would willingly let them have time to work things out.

You wouldn't be shouting what about me.

Sorry if this doesn't sit too well but its correct, I Love My partner unconditionally and he is as free to live his own life today as he has always been. Because I love him without any conditions. Now to me that's the one, and thankfully he loves me unconditionally in return.

But we would never ever want to hurt each other, and wouldn't regard the others actions as them hurting us. That's True Love for You...

You either love someone because you want to and have chosen to with no conditions or you don't love them at all they're merely something giving you some form of validation of your own self worth.

[mc1217]

I appreciate all the advice, and all the honesty. I am trying to deal with a great amount of pain, and it's hard to think clearly... about the relationship and in regards to focusing on my studies.

I did leave my room to go to the library. Perhaps I can focus better on my work here, than in my room.

As this all unfolds, I'm sure I will continue to post. Everyone's opinions/input/advice are welcomed... I can't thank you all enough.

[mc1217]

To say that I don't love him unconditionally is 150% incorrect and hurtful.

I would hurt myself before I hurt him (and I am... I'm letting him take this "break," even though I literally feel like death right now).

Not aware there are 2 people in the relationship? I think I very well do realize there are 2 people-- the fact that I'm respecting his wishes of "no contact," when he has been my best friend for more than 3 yrs & not 1 day has passed where we haven't spoken or said "i love you"

Of course I'm going to be a little, "what about me?" --it's been less than 48 hours, and this is our first "break." I'm all alone in a new city, a city that I chose partly because he wanted (as well as I did) to be closer to me- but had yet to find and job, and thus, couldn't.

Thinking about my future without him makes me want to vomit, and until Thursday I KNEW he felt the same way. So, I'm just trying to make sense of this.

[redhed35]

Your in a bad place right now,but it will get better,try and redirect your focus on to something else,your studies can get a serious whoop a$$ now!

Well done for getting out of the house,posting is a good way to reflect,as the days pass if you continue posting you can look back as you recover.

Just as a purging exercise,why don't you write him a letter,tell him how your feeling,pour all the hurt out,and when your finished burn it,don't send it,as you write you will cry,laugh and maybe even vomit ( I jest!) but you will feel better.

[positiveparent]

Ive attached 2 files to this post for you to read if you feel like it that is, I feel these files and the information in them may be very helpful to you.

If you don't feel up to reading them at this time perhaps you will at a later date.

I did not say you do not Love your b/f I merely put across what it is to Love another unconditionally, and in my opinion that is the only Love there is or could be.

I know that right now you're confused bewildered and possibly feeling angry and betrayed, I do though feel that your b/f hasn't set out to intentionally hurt you, writing the email he sent to you was possibly one of the hardest things he's ever done.

I also don't feel he has broken his trust, He just wants to do the right thing and that's commendable its also showing him to be mature and responsible. Good Qualities in any relationship.

If in time you 2 do get back together perhaps you might consider taking it more slowly, you said you had a long distance relationship where you only saw one another once a month, which over a 3 year period means in real terms you were only in each others company 36 times, or on this amount of occasions, which is only just over a month. Approx.

I think you would both be doing yourselves and your relationship a favour if you were to spend more time getting to know one another in real time, and then take it from there, you'll be more aware of each others real personalities if you do this, and it will serve to strengthen your relationship.

I wish you well and hopefully this time alone will be good for you and your relationship.

[mc1217]

He called me today & I had to answer. Sorry, I broke "the rules," but he's my best friend & I needed/wanted to talk to him.

He said again that he was not interested in other girls/pursuing them-- I don't know if I mentioned that earlier

He says he still sees me in his future. When I asked "as what?" he replied "as how we've always discussed" (we've always discussed marriage).

But then when I said that I was confused by what he meant, & I asked, "but aren't u taking this break, partly to determine if you want to be with me?" and he said yes-- but then also said "it's not like im sitting here contemplating 'do i want to be with her, do i not want to be with her?'"

He said he was thinking about his future in general/grad school/careers/moving away from home... I said "if the break has nothing to do with me, why take the break?" he said he needs to be alone with this thoughts.

Input?

[talaniman]

What an immature guy, but I think its understandable. If what he says is true he could have said he was going fishing with the guys, so you wouldn't worry, or feel bad.

But it is what it is. He still wants to be alone with his thoughts? Give him what he asks for. I agree with you though, he doesn't need a break to mull himself over, but I guess he is too young, and scared to know better.