[X-stream87]

I am pretty confused on how that works as well.

[excon]

What else does it take then?

Hello again, X:

That kind of love quickly wears off. If you're lucky, it's replaced by a love based on understanding and mutual respect. When those qualities abound, agreements can be made that are based on truth and reason. Then it's the KEEPING of those agreements that count.

But, agreements made (like yours) based on a fear of loss, never work.

She knows it too. Maybe that's why she's not so turned on to you these days. I don't know. But, these problems are only worth working out, as long as, in the interim, you're getting laid, and laid well. But once THAT'S gone, the only thing you're going to get is grief.

excon

[positiveparent]

I just don't understand why so many women are against porn, I like a previous poster often watch porn myself it's a fact of life, we humans are curious about the sex act, and many enjoy watching it and that's all they're doing watching it.

Its not a sin, and if it has led to you being dishonest about this pastime (which is basically what it is) then I would seriously reconsider where you're going in this relationship, I get the feeling your girl is trying to control you, have you suggested you watch it together?

Have you explained to her that it doesn't prevent you becoming aroused with or for her.

Men have always and will always like to watch porn and even buy porn mags for self pleasure purposes,

Involve your girlfriend in this past time she might then look at it in a different light, you can but try.

Good Luck, if its porn she's banning you from this week, ask yourself what will she ban you from doing in the future.

Breathing.

Or you could just keep it to yourself, that's not being dishonest its preventing a confrontation.

What she doesn't know won't hurt her.

Im all in favour of being honest but when it means you are ordered to do this or that then its often better to keep things to yourself.


About (PositiveParenting)

[Jake2008]

I don't think this has anything to do with porn.

It is a convenient excuse to have you stop something that makes her insecurities uncomfortable for her. Conveniently, you taking the bait, pretty much gets her off the hook for answering to why she is so insecure about herself, that she has to control you.

What she has discovered is that it works. She doesn't like the porn, so you stop. Nothing changes, and what does change is that sex is infrequent. And she somehow turns it all into a lie when you go back to porn, and slight her once again.

If it wasn't porn, it would be golf or fishing, or you spending too much time doing things and slighting her. (If it isn't already).

So, if you use porn, and stop, and nothing changes, and you go back to porn, and still nothing changes, I have to ask you, have you considered that porn is not the problem at all?

[DoulaLC]

I agree Jake2008... had to spread the rep... :)

I believe insecurity is likely the underlying issue. Could be she is unhappy about her looks in some way, unsure of her appeal to you... regardless of you telling her that isn't the case, who knows.

Have you come right out and told her that you would like more frequent sex with her? If so, what does she say? Many couples have a difference in their sex drives, but they usually come to some sort of compromise.

Do you know if she had a bad experience with a previous partner and porn?

positiveparent: I think many women don't like it because of self-esteem issues. It is sometimes seen as another way society shows women are only sexy or desirable if they look a certain way. If it's a mutual activity, great... but the problems often arise when sneaking around is involved.

[Homegirl 50]

I think she is no longer into you sexually and and because she wasn't giving it up, you started watching pron again to get off. That's cool, I have no problem with that. She is pissed because you went back to doing what she told you not to do and you promised not to do.

So if your girl doesn't like it and you do, and she gives you an ultimatum, you walk or you do what she says. It's your choice.
When a person says "me or the porn" or "me or whatever" that is about control.

I don't think all women who are not into porn have issues with how they feel about themselves. Some women just don't see the point. It is not a turn on. I don't like watching men prance around in G-strings. A lot of women do. I think they look gay. It does nothing for me. Porn is OK but once you've seen one, no big deal. It is not something I get a kick out of.

[classyT]

I just dont understand why so many women are against porn,


About (PositiveParenting)

Couple things. I can't speak for all women, but I think I can speak for many who don't care for it. It isn't about not feeling LOVED if your spouse looks at porn. It is more that it cheapens it and it makes sex dirty instead of beautiful and intimate. Women are just not as visual as men.

[Homegirl 50]

Couple things. I can't speak for all women, but I think I can speak for many who don't care for it. It isn't about not feeling LOVED if your spouse looks at porn. It is more that it cheapens it and it makes sex dirty instead of beautiful and intimate. Women are just not as visual as men.

I agree. It cheapens it. Takes the beautiful intimacy out of it. I find it tacky.

[Ther4peuticH3at]

It is more that it cheapens it and it makes sex dirty instead of beautiful and intimate.

Why? Why does that have to be the case? In reality, there is no real relationship between a man and his porn. It's just a tool. Jerking off to porn, doesn't make relations with your s/o any less special. The way I see it, the men and women of porn aren't real, they don't exist in reality (in the real world). And because they are not real, and you are having to real personal interaction with them, your relationship with and to them IS NOT REAL, it means NOTHING.

I'll admit, I wouldn't want to think about my girlfriend DJ'in it up to some other dude's cock, but girls are different. I know for her, using imagination to get there is much easier than it is for me. Like I know she can get off on just the thought of me. I can do the same with her... but it takes SOOOOO much longer. And it'd be that way thinking of ANY girl. Porn is just so much easier than using imagination (for guys, or at least for me).

Men and women are fundamentally different. I think the biggest issue here is understanding that, and accepting one another for who they are. She may not be able to fully comprehend what the experience is like for you, but she needs to try. She should be able to trust you when you say that porn takes NOTHING away from what the two of you share.

[classyT]

Why? Why does that have to be the case? In reality, there is no real relationship between a man and his porn. It's just a tool. Jerking off to porn, doesn't make relations with your s/o any less special. The way I see it, the men and women of porn aren't real, they don't exist in reality (in the real world). And because they are not real, and you are having to real personal interaction with them, your relationship with and to them IS NOT REAL, it means NOTHING

I'm happy to answer that. I don't want to hijack the thread but I can give some insight into this I think. Women discuss Everything when we talk.

I agree it has to do about insecurity. Some women don't like thinking that their s/o could be attracted to other women. They KNOW in their mind that men are men but to actually see it can be devastating. To watch him get an erection over someone else... makes them feel insecure or as if they are not pretty enough, sexy enough or whatever. Right or wrong.

Also you say that there is no real relationship between the man and his porn but many women feel their man will want to recreate what they saw. It can be upsetting.

The thing is women and men are wired different... men see it as nothing... women can see it as a threat.

[excon]

The thing is women and men are wired different...men see it as nothing...women can see it as a threat.

Hello again, T:

That's why the EMPATHY word was used. I KNOW wimmin don't get it. That ain't OUR fault. Look, wimmin get all gushy reading about Brett and Scarlett. What's the diff? Men, understand that, though, and it doesn't take anything away from them. Wimmin need to get on board, or they're going to LOSE their man.

excon

[classyT]

Ex,

You aren't being fair to the woman. You are writing her off as insecure and trying to change him. If my s/o felt insecure about something I would want to reassure him. What is wrong with that??

Is porn more important than a relationship with her? Am I the only one that thinks that is crazy?


EX,

LOL LOL.. RHett and Scarlett!

I don't know a guy that can't give up a looking at a naked girl that ain't even real... not sure he is worth keeping.

[Ther4peuticH3at]

Is porn more important than a relationship with her? Am I the only one that thinks that is crazy?

It's not porn... Porn is the just the vehicle that gets a guy where he's trying to go. For a guy, doing it with just your imagination is like going from Detroit to Chicago on horseback. With porn, it's like having your own private jet. It's faster, it's easier, and it's just so much less of a hassle.

But again, it's not that porn is what's important... IT'S GETTING TO CHICAGO.

For most guys, we've been going to Chicago one to three times a day since like fourth grade. A normal guy would much rather go to Chicago with his girlfriend rather than alone, but, she won't always be around, and Chicago is always there... it's a familiar place and we know the route by heart.

[DoulaLC]

I think too it can be an issue of just how much porn viewing is going on. It can be an occasional thing for some or it can be compulsory for others. Some have no "need" for it at all. They may notice a pretty woman walking down the street, but do not feel the need to bring women up online or purchase magazines to look at.

As classyT stated, it often is a security issue. Many women don't understand the reason for it if a living and breathing woman is right there and available. Others may wonder why they aren't enough for their partner if he feels the need to look at other women to get things going.

Self-esteem issues can come into play if their partner is looking at these 20 something's who are always made up, in great shape, no housework to do, no obligations to tend to, no kids to take care of, etc.. Yes, it is not reality, but some women wonder if men are wishing it were their reality and it can really play on their sense of self-esteem if they feel there is no competing with that. Women want to feel that they are enough for their partner, that they are desired by their partner, and that their partner is turned on by them. I know men don't see it that way, however.

I think plenty of women "know" that their partners imagine other people when they are with them intimately, women often do the same, but they just don't want to be reminded of it. Knowing that their partner is looking at porn, getting turned on, and coming to them with that image in their mind can make them feel like the intimacy with, and desire for, them is taken out of it. They are simply a dock for your ship once you've taken this fabulous cruise with some unknown person.

Again, men and women are wired differently. To the OP I think discussing with her point blank that you want to have more sex with her is needed. Trying to work to a compromise so that you both are more satisfied in all aspects of your relationship... perhaps more from a physical standpoint for you and more from an emotional/security standpoint for her.

[DoulaLC]

It's not porn... Porn is the just the vehicle that gets a guy where he's trying to go. For a guy, doing it with just your imagination is like going from Detroit to Chicago on horseback. With porn, it's like having your own private jet. It's faster, it's easier, and it's just so much less of a hassle.

But again, it's not that porn is what's important... IT'S GETTING TO CHICAGO.

For most guys, we've been going to Chicago one to three times a day since like fourth grade. A normal guy would much rather go to Chicago with his gf rather than alone, but, she won't always be around, and Chicago is always there... it's a familiar place and we know the route by heart.

I understand it completely. I think some women are bothered, however, when the fast, sporty Aston Martin Vantage is taken for a spin when the comfy '57 Chevy can get you there just as well. I understand wanting to sometimes arrive faster, and with less maintenance and upkeep involved, but the reliable Chevy is a rare find and requires regular driving as well... ;)

One just has to be sure the Chevy doesn't sit in the garage too long unattended, or that too much time isn't spent tooling around in the Vantage, or the Chevy could be out the door to the highest bidder who will show it the care and attention it deserves... :)

[Cat1864]

I don't think it is about the porn or even the lying. Though, I see it as a broken promise not a lie unless you were telling her you weren't 'looking' when you were. Broken promises can be more damaging than a 'lie' because relationships are built on promises both made and understood.

However, not only do I think she has underlying self-esteem issues, but I think she doesn't have the 'tools' to help build a healthy relationship. I would almost bet that if you looked back over her past relationships (platonic as well as romantic) there is a pattern of 'people letting her down' or huge issues popping up that cause major rifts.

IF you want to try to build a better relationship, you might look into couple's counseling. Even if you don't, I think she needs to talk to someone who does not have an interest in the relationship. Someone like a counselor, therapist, clergy, etc. I would stay away from friends and family.

Quite frankly, I think you need to decide if you want to allow her to fully control the direction the relationship is taking (not healthy for either one of you) or if you want to go about your life with room for her if she chooses to be a part of it. Either way, you need to be completely honest with her and yourself. I am for letting her know that outside help is needed for you both to learn how to set boundaries and compromises and effectively communicate with each other. She has to be willing to work with you or there is no relationship.