[skippy55]

I started dating a girl around 5 months ago and so far everything has been going great for each other. We both are happy in the relationship and certainly don't want this to end... we are in love. However, school is almost over and I'm off to college next year, about 7 hours away from her, and she still has another year of high school. It is also very unlikely that she will ever attend the college I'm at. While we both don't want it to end, we both agreed that a long distance relationship probably wouldn't be a good idea, and we both agreed to mutually end it... however, with a twist, we both promised that whenever life allows us to be together again, we would give it another try.

I had a few questions though, I'm really interested in her, and I think I'm going to end up confirming my suspicions of how great she was when I try dating other girls and they just don't match up. Do you think it is ever likely that we will actually get together again with that promise? Should I keep in contact with her and talk with her occasionally or is that a bad idea?

Basically we both really like what has been going on with us for the past few months, and we wanted to end it on a good note with a chance of trying it again, instead of a possible failed LDR where we both ended up hating each other.

So what do you all think, was this a good decision? Do I have any hope of us getting together again and it working?

[talaniman]

If either of you plans to enjoy the present, you will have to let go of the past.

Neither of you knows what the future holds, no one does, but you do yourself a disservice waiting in limbo if life doesn't bring you back together.

As to a long distance thing, like anything in life, there are no guarantees about anything so you either try or you don't, but you don't close the door on other options, and opportunities should one or both of you decides later to move on.

People change as they grow, and there is just no way to tell how you will feel tomorrow.

[jmjoseph]

Go enjoy your life.

Who knows how you will feel even after ONE year in college.

You'll be just fine.

[Kitkat22]

Yes enjoy life... be happy. Who knows about the future? There may be chance you two have a life together.

In the meantime just chill out, study and get on with your life.

[skippy55]

Apparently both of us agreeing to end it wasn't mutual. She now told me that she thought about it and thinks we shouldn't break up, saying she can't imagine doing anything with another person.

However, I'm worried that trying to take the relationship long distance would make it much more likely to go bad, and ruin any chance at reviving it in the future. Am I taking a reasonable approach by saying that we should just end it on a good note, stay as friends and talk to each other occasionally during our separation, and when life allows us maybe try it again if we both want it?

How can I get her to realize this view without hurting her?

[Kitkat22]

apparently both of us agreeing to end it wasn't mutual. She now told me that she thought about it and thinks we shouldn't break up, saying she can't imagine doing anything with another person.

However, i'm worried that trying to take the relationship long distance would make it much more likely to go bad, and ruin any chance at reviving it in the future. Am I taking a reasonable approach by saying that we should just end it on a good note, stay as friends and talk to each other occasionally during our separation, and when life allows us maybe try it again if we both want it?

How can I get her to realize this view without hurting her?

I applaud your honesty young man and yes you are right. College is going to be a whole different world and I think you're going to do great.
She may be hurt.. but don't you think it's better to do it now with honesty and class?

You sound like a very decent guy and being so far away and maintaining a healty relationship with a girlfriend rarely works. I kow you will make the right decision and she will be hurt for a while, but it's the right thing to do. You know how to handle this without hurting her too much. I wish you luck.:).. Kit:)

[talaniman]

Am I taking a reasonable approach by saying that we should just end it on a good note, stay as friends and talk to each other occasionally during our separation,

Sounds good on paper, especially to you, who will be moving to a whole new world, with new people, and a wide range of options, and opportunities that I am sure she is thinking about.

What's unreasonable is you expecting her to go along with it, and stay friends. If you take a break, since it seems to be you who wants it, make it a clean one, so she, and you, can heal and get on with enjoying your lives apart.

Staying friends. And keeping contact will make someone miserable, and that's worse, trying to be friends with an ex before you're ready. That's worse than maintaining a LDR! So much for breaking up on mutual terms until "life" brings you back together, because that may never happen, so essentially you are telling her stay in limbo, and wait to see what happens later. That will not work, nor is it fair for anyone to be putting their life on hold.

If you don't want an LDR, for whatever reason, then at least be honest with her, and let her go.

[skippy55]

So much for breaking up on mutual terms until "life" brings you back together, because that may never happen, so essentially you are telling her stay in limbo, and wait to see what happens later. That will not work, nor is it fair for anyone to be putting their life on hold.

Thanks for all your help so far, it has cleared up a lot of doubt in me, however I remain unclear about that quoted passage. I'm confused why you think staying friends with her and having casual conversations is making her stay in limbo, or put her life on hold. Both her and I are free to do whatever we want in any relationship we want. She could date whoever she wants, is that putting life on hold?

I think I might understand where you are coming from. If I keep contact with casual conversations she will never really be able to fully move on to another guy?

My motives behind staying her friend would just be because we enjoy talking to each other, nor do I want her to forget about me.

[Kitkat22]

Thanks for all your help so far, it has cleared up a lot of doubt in me, however I remain unclear about that quoted passage. I'm confused why you think staying friends with her and having casual conversations is making her stay in limbo, or put her life on hold. Both her and I are free to do whatever we want in any relationship we want. She could date whoever she wants, is that putting life on hold?

I think I might understand where you are coming from. If I keep contact with casual conversations she will never really be able to fully move on to another guy?

My motives behind staying her friend would just be because we enjoy talking to each other, nor do I want her to forget about me.

Talinaman is right. If you choose to be free of a her, then it should be no contact at all. I think my advice may have been a Little off. If you have been in an intimate relationship with this girl and you want to remain friends, it might be giving her false hope that you two have a chance.

A clean break is what you must do. I don't think the remaining friends thing will work. Break it off completely and tell her why. Don't make promises to her you are not going to keep. Don't say, "maybe we'll get back together"... or "I just need space for a little while". That's a cop out.

Tell her it's over and you are no longer interested. I think in no time at all she'll move on also. Since she is still in High School then she'll have a lot more fun being unattached and she'll realize how great it is to be able to do what she wants with her friends and even date someone else.
Good luck.

[skippy55]

If you have been in an intimate relationship with this girl and you want to remain friends, it might be giving her false hope that you two have a chance.

Tell her it's over and you are no longer interested. I think in no time at all she'll move on also. Since she is still in High School then she'll have a lot more fun being unattached and she'll realize how great it is to be able to do what she wants with her friends and even date someone else.
Good luck.

It wouldn't be a false hope though, we both promised that no matter what we would try it again. It wasn't a maybe we will try again or a I think we should try again, we both said we promise to try again.

"Tell her it's over and you are no longer interested"

I am interested though, I don't want this to end it has been so amazing. However like you said I want her to be unattached from a relationship so she is able to do what she wants. Is just talking to her really going to have her attached to me so much that she won't even want to date somebody else?

Shouldn't the same things be applying to me by her talking to me? I'll still like her and have feelings for her if she talks to me also, but I'm not going to let that stop me from doing what I want and dating other people. If anything, it will only reassure me of how great she is for me... and if I happen to find something I like better then there is no harm in moving on.

[Kitkat22]

You need to let her go and get on with your life and let her get on with hers.

If you truly loved this girl, you wouldn't even be thinking about dating others.

It's better she knows now and you are wanting your cake, but you also want a slice of cake left just in case.

Let her go! She will find someone else and so will you. What if she does agree to remain friends and keeps on hoping for a future with you? Then suppose you fall in love with another girl? Or what if she falls for someone else.

Break it off. She'll heal faster than you think.

[talaniman]

You don't get to half step in the adult world without paying serious consequences. What's the real difference with trying a long distance relationship, with all the risks, and breaking up until someday, if..

What can be gained by one partner still waiting for that day and the other deciding they have something better? How would you feel if your friend no longer had time to be your friend, because she had moved on to a more interesting person?

Don't tell me someone doesn't get hurt by being left behind, and without a doubt, feeling betrayed in the end. And what if this promise between you never pans out at all?

You can't have your cake, and eat it too, nor put things on hold until YOU are ready. Life doesn't work that way, nor can you expect her to be second best to what you want.

Aren't you seeing that the flaw in your logic, has led you to believe the break was mutual, because that's what YOU want, but obviously she doesn't feel the same.

Either you try the LDR, and take a risk, or break it clean, and move on.

Either way feelings will be hurt, because of how you proceed. I think you have to take her feelings into account and either work together, or work apart. But as Kat has rightly pointed out, don't make promises you can't keep.

[Kitkat22]

I hope you do break up with her. After all LDr do not usually last.
By this time next year she'll have someone new and you will also.

High School romance seem so intense at times, but when you get to Clloege and she is on her own, I think she'll be happier.

Then she'll go to College and probably meet the man of her dreams. I wouldn't be too worried about No Contact, it's best all the way around... Good Luck

[skippy55]

I have been involved with a girl for the last 6 months, the last 3 months have been a long distance relationship. Things were going great, we both were having a great time, skyping each other every night. She would always mention things how I make her so happy and we would text each other often. We were both extremely happy, and we would discuss how I was going to come and visit her in December.

However about a week ago things changed, this is when I first noticed the decline she is experiencing. It started when she attended school orientation for her senior year. She is attending a new school this year and she texted me saying how depressing this new school was and she said "it makes me want to kill myself." I reassured her it would be only a year and then she would be off to college. During skype that night she was very withdrawn, like she was purposely not talking to me. She would do one word answers and not show any interest. She also told me how she got pissed off at her pretty much only two friends at this new school and is no longer friends with them.

This made me realize... this girl is withdrawing from all her friends.

Later that night a text came out of nowhere. She said she NEEDS me but she says eventually I will be gone and leave her one day, so she wants to get out while she can instead of later and be even more lost. She says that is her reason for pulling away (im guessing its because I'm going off to college this year, I have no intention of being gone one day and have never lost interest in her.)

The next day was the day that ended it. We got on skype and she told me she doesn't want me talking to her anymore. She wants me to forget her. She says that whatever she has to do in her life she wants to do it completely alone at least for now. She has completely withdrawn herself from anybody she knows at this point. I asked her why she would want to do this, just a few days ago we were so happy. She simply replies "I dont know" lots of I don't know's and says her body is telling me to be alone for right now. I'm completely devastated at this point and confused but I realize there's nothing more I can do. I tried reassuring her I would be there for her. I tried getting her to remember all the fun we have. Eventually I say how I hope she achieves whatever she is trying to do, and when she does let me know.

I ask her if she still loves me. She responds I love you so much, that's why I don't want to get you involved.

I ask her if she is going to keep the picture of me that is on the wall in her room. She responds yes.

At this point I just let her know I'm here to help you if you ever need help getting through whatever this is. She is very confused and doesn't seem to know what she is doing herself. I say I love you, and let me know when you have this sorted.

---

How could this go from us being happy a few days ago, talking about my visit in December, to her being a complete mess who wants to be alone?

Why is she doing this? I ask her and she says she has no idea.

What should I do in this position? I still love this girl and I feel worried for her.

This girl has completely abandoned herself. The signals she has been displaying are eerily similar to the warning signs of suicide.

[skippy55]

I'm confused why this was merged with my old question. This is a completely different question with a whole different situation.

[talaniman]

She has gone through many changes, and you did plant the seeds of break up, but you have obviously decided to try the long distance thing. LDR's are difficult, and not the same as being there, and no doubt, she feels the same about withdrawing from her friends, and comfort zones. It happens.

I think she will adjust. But only time will tell. I understand your concerns, but think she may be a bit depressed over all the changes she has gone through. I don't think you can do much but comfort, console, and reassure her, but she may NOT react the way you want, but I think you try. If you care, and don't put your feelings of shock, concern, or fear of rejection above her needs as she may totally reject your reassurances, and insist on you honoring her wishes.

It's a chance you take if you can handle a very negative outcome, and reaction from her. If you can't... totally leave this alone and let her deal with her issues her way, in her time. Tough situation, and you better give it thought.

I'm confused why this was merged with my old question. This is a completely different question with a whole different situation.

Same girl, and a continuation of the same relationship. If its not, let me know.

[Kitkat22]

Go with the advice you have been given. Tal said it all. You can reassur her, comfort her. She may reject it. She needs a friend.

[skippy55]

I think what I'm confused on the most is the mixed message she is sending:

She says she loves me, but wants to be alone. She keeps my picture on her wall, but asks me to stop talking to her.
My attempts to reassure her failed, she feels like she is dragging me into something bad.

Does she want me or not?


Is this just a phase? How did this rapid change happen in such a short time, I realize that she is going through tough changes, but is it normal to react by withdrawing from everyone even the person you love?

[talaniman]

People react in different ways to stress, or pressure. Some will even shutdown completely. Maybe give it a few days. And see what happens. I know you feel freakin helpless right now.

[skippy55]

Thanks for the help you have been giving Tal.

I agree that it is a reaction to stress Tal, an extremely drastic one. She felt like she would be hurting me if she kept contact with me through this. That is what I wish she would realize isn't true.

I figure I should try to learn from this experience though. Did I do anything to contribute to this? Is there anything I should have done to stop this?

Is this a situation where it would be OK to get back with her if she sorts through this?