[smoothy]

I see what you all mean by gradually moving on not working. After not hearing from him for almost 2 weeks, I finally heard from him. All my negative thoughts about him disappeared when I heard his voice. It's like I forgot everything hurtful that he's done and I focused on how he makes me happy.

I feel like gradually moving on is just going to be a never ending cycle; I am finally ready to move on, then I hear from him and I'm back to square one.

I'm not ready for cold turkey and no matter how many times I am told to do it, I just can't. Is there any other suggestions besides cold turkey that you have heard of or that have worked well in the past??

There is NO other alternative... you HAVE to go cold turkey or all you are doing is blowing smoke.

[Cat1864]

I feel like gradually moving on is just going to be a never ending cycle; I am finally ready to move on, then I hear from him and I'm back to square one.

This is where No Contact comes in. You don't allow him to contact you. You stop giving him permission to use you, your mind, your emotions and YOUR BODY. You delete all forms of contact information that you have for him. You block his phone number, texts, and email. You hang up if he calls from a number you don't know. You delete texts unread. You don't give him a chance to undermine YOUR HEALING.

You set yourself up to move on and heal. You rebuild your self-esteem and respect hour by hour. You do what it takes to make you feel good about you. You redirect the energy that you have put into him into yourself and YOUR LIFE. He should have no place in your life because you have no place in his life.

It isn't going to be easy. It is going to be difficult. It is going to be an hour by hour, day by day struggle until your emotions accept what your brain is telling them.

Think about the consequences of keeping in touch with him. Of when he gets bored and decides you aren't exciting in bed anymore. Of if the worst happens and you end up pregnant. (Birth control is not 100% effective)

[coffeeluver]

So it's been a really long time since the last time I've been on here. I just wanted to update you all on my situation. Unfortunately, I am still getting together with him, but I am finally over it. I snooped around and found out that he lied to me about a few things, but that still didn't keep me away from him.

We haven't been as close as we were when we first met and have been distant. He stopped treating me the way he used to when we first met and stopped going out of his way for me. Not saying he should give me all the time in the world, but this is when I realized how we are we both living in our own worlds and really shouldn't be together.

I know it is crazy that it has taken me this long to realize everything, but I just think enough is enough. At first I told him that we should take a break because the thought of never seeing him again broke my heart. Once I told him this, he obviously tried to suck me back into his little trap like always and said that we can make it work. So I believed him and for a week, he went out of his way, treating me the way he did when we first met.

Of course, the BS has to end eventually, and it happened way sooner than later. The week after he treats me like a princess, he goes back to his real self, not really caring for me at all.

So we've been texting and I asked him how this time is any different than last time. He knows how I feel and I'm sure he knows that I am going to take a real break from him this time. The only thing is I don't want to take a break, I don't want to have anything to do with him again.

I'm waiting until I hear back from him, (if I ever do), to tell him the news. I feel like I have to be the one to start the conversations now, and he doesn't really care to talk to me.

For a while, we were hooking up only once a month. I just don't understand why he would cheat on his wife just to sleep with me once a month. I wouldn't be surprised if he was sleeping with another woman. But anyway his response was that it was worth it to him because I was more adventurous than his wife. That response really didn't make me feel any better, and I still feel like there's another reason..

I just feel like such an idiot. Looking back at everything I have done, I just can't believe it. It's not like me at all. I know it's not his fault for not wanting to give me the time of day considering the fact that he does have a family. I think that I was just hoping that he would and I just realized how I'm not important to him.

I don't want to say that I regret doing any of this, because it has definitely taught me a lesson and I learned so much from this. I'm just not feeling good about it. I just need some kind of comfort while I go through this. I know it's not easy writing back to me, knowing all of the awful things I've done to his family, but I really appreciate any response.

Thanks for listening.

[amicon]

Why wait for this jerk to get back to you?

Go NC right away,change your number and never speak to him again.

[sandalwood7]

You have the power... You have control over the situation... I agree with Amicon. You should not let him dictate your life.
Either tell him it is over and never make contact or accept contact with him again or Just change your number, cut off all contact,and ignore him without giving him any reason (He has never treated you with any respect, so why exactly does he even deserve your patience, understanding or explanation?). Ignoring someone is the ultimate form of disempowerment for them.

Delete your text messages, emails etc so you have NOTHING to hold onto with respect to your past relations. Otherwise it will just cloud your judgment and make it harder for you to move on.

Gosh I sound like a real man-hater (didnt mean to). I just think that respect earns respect and this person who happens to be a man, has earned nothing of the OP's respect.

BE strong. You sound like you have realised the truth and are slowly trying to accept reality. Sometimes logic serves us better than our emotions, and I think this situation fits the bill.

With time you will realise that you are and were only ever holding onto an empty shell of a relationship with this man.You will I am sure, one day meet someone who treats you with love and respect, and it is then that you will truly understand what a farce this relationship was in the first place.

That man will never be happy, because he does not know how to treat people with respect, and will never receive all of the positivity (love, trust, honesty, openess) that he could receive from people close to him, were he to do so. And he will likely never learn this until it is too late. Don't FORGET THAT. Treating people like *h&t only brings negativity into one's life, self and being.

[smoothy]

So... what are you waiting for... To get pregnant? Make it even harder to move on... or do you not think of yourself as worthy of someone better.

[coffeeluver]

I sent him an email. We're finally done. But why do I feel like I did something wrong by ending it?

[amicon]

Because now you have ended something which,however wrong it was,meant something to you.

You did the right thing.

Start healing and start living your own life again.

Read the stickies at the top of the relationship page for more advice on how to handle this.

[sandalwood7]

Every end of a relationship regardless of how functional is was, is hard.

This is a hard time for you but hang in there...

I PROMISE YOU WILL FEEL BETTER WITH TIME...

Whenever you find yourself daydreaming about him or the "good times" just shut it off, take a reality check and think about the times he made you fell bad, feel small, feel worthless, feel unappreciated...

DO NOT accept acontact from him or make contact with him again (chances are he will try his luck). He will not like having no control ofver you (remember that YOU have the control)

Talk to us on helpme... there is always support here from people who have been through similar things. (I have)

Hang out with your friends again and reconnect with peopl eyou haven't seen in a while and your family? You may not realise this yet, but having an affair with a married person is a very isolating and lonely experience. Get back to the good life, YOUR life again, where you don't have to give your time and energy and resources to people who don't appreciate you. ANYMORE!

You have taken a very positive step.

ANd learn from your mistake... MARRIED = OFFBOUNDS. It never made anyone happy to have an affair in the end, even though the beginning seemed so right and exciting.

Remember to take care of yourself... Remember that you should never let anyone make you feel the way he has made you feel... Try and think of anything that turned you off, annoyed you, etc about him (it helps). You have shown that you respect and value yourself by ending this relationship. Even if he left his wife for you, things still wouldn't turn out (most likely). It always was going to be a fruitless relationship with much heartache for you (and why would you want to spend your life with a man who has thinks its OK to treat his wife this way?? )

Good luck and rememember to stay strong in your conviction.

[smoothy]

I sent him an email. We're finally done. But why do I feel like I did something wrong by ending it?

It ALWAYS feels like that when you end any relationship that has lasted more than a few weeks.

Consider it an important life lesson. By getting OUT of a bad situation... you are now available to get into a BETTER situation. And you have the benefit of experience to guide you into what is "better".

It takes a few "bad" experiences to really be able to recognise what a "good" one is.