[Alty]

Ben invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful Ben's roommate, Allison, was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between Ben and his roommate and this only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Ben and the roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, Ben volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Allison and I are just roommates."

About a week later, Allison came to Ben and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. "You don't suppose she took it, do you?"

Ben said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure."

So he sat down and wrote: "Dear Mother, I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner."

Several days later, Ben received a letter from his mother which read:

"Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Allison, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Allison. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom"

[Alty]

A wealthy man came home from a gambling trip and told his wife that he had lost their entire fortune and that they'd have to drastically alter their life-style.

"If you'll just learn to cook," he said, "we can fire the chef."

"Okay," she said. "And if you learn how to make love, we can fire the gardener."

[Alty]

A women was pregnant with triplets.

One day she goes into this bank as it was being held up. She gets shot 3 times in her stomach, but luckily she lives.

She goes to the doctor who tells her her children will be all right, one day the bullets will come out.

So 13 years later, one triplet, a girl, runs out of the bathroom and says "MOM, MOM, I WAS GOING TO THE BATHROOM AND A BULLET CAME OUT!" So the mother tells her the story.

The next day the second daughter comes out and says the same thing, "MOM, I WAS GOING TO THE BATHOOM AND A BULLET CAME OUT!"

On the third day the son comes out and says "MOM, MOM!" she goes "Let me guess, you were going to the bathroom and a bullet came out?" he replies "No, I was jerking off and I shot the dog!"

[Unknown008]

A women was pregnant with triplets.

One day she goes into this bank as it was being held up. She gets shot 3 times in her stomach, but luckily she lives.

She goes to the doctor who tells her her children will be all right, one day the bullets will come out.

So 13 years later, one triplet, a girl, runs out of the bathroom and says "MOM, MOM, I WAS GOING TO THE BATHROOM AND A BULLET CAME OUT!" So the mother tells her the story.

The next day the second daughter comes out and says the same thing, "MOM, I WAS GOING TO THE BATHOOM AND A BULLET CAME OUT!"

On the third day the son comes out and says "MOM, MOM!" she goes "Let me guess, you were going to the bathroom and a bullet came out?" he replies "No, I was jerking off and I shot the dog!"

I was seeing something like this to happen... but actually, shooting the poor dog shocked me :eek:

Good one Alty! :)

[KISS]

WAL-MART INTERVIEW

A manager at Wal-Mart had the task of hiring someone to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes he found four people who were equally qualified. He decided to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them would get the job.

The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table, the interviewer asked, 'What is the fastest thing you know of?'

The first man replied, 'A THOUGHT.' It just pops into your head. There's no warning.

'That's very good!' replied the interviewer. 'And, now you sir?', he asked the second man.

'Hmmm... let me see 'A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know that it ever happened. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of!

'Excellent!' said the interviewer. 'The blink of an eye, that's a very popular cliché for speed.' He then turned to the third man, who was contemplating his reply.

'Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light on the barn comes on in less than an instant. 'Yep, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of'.

The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had found his man. 'It 's hard to beat the speed of light,' he said. Turning to BUBBA, the fourth and final man, the interviewer posed the same question.

Old Bubba replied, 'After hearing the previous three answers, it's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHEA.'

'WHAT! ' said the interviewer, stunned by the response.

'Oh sure', said BUBBA. 'You see, the other day I wasn't feeling so good, and I ran for the bathroom, but before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had already pooped my pants.'

BUBBA is now the new greeter at a Wal-Mart near you!

[carpenter-t]

A man runs into his house a yells hunny pack your bags I hit the lottery.she says should I pack for the beach or the mountains.he says I don't care just get the f--k out!

[Just Dahlia]

A women was pregnant with triplets.

One day she goes into this bank as it was being held up. She gets shot 3 times in her stomach, but luckily she lives.

She goes to the doctor who tells her her children will be all right, one day the bullets will come out.

So 13 years later, one triplet, a girl, runs out of the bathroom and says "MOM, MOM, I WAS GOING TO THE BATHROOM AND A BULLET CAME OUT!" So the mother tells her the story.

The next day the second daughter comes out and says the same thing, "MOM, I WAS GOING TO THE BATHOOM AND A BULLET CAME OUT!"

On the third day the son comes out and says "MOM, MOM!" she goes "Let me guess, you were going to the bathroom and a bullet came out?" he replies "No, I was jerking off and I shot the dog!"

Loved it and I'm cracking up as I picture it:D

[carpenter-t]

Some people laugh,some say eeeuwww then laugh,some just say eeeuwww.but anyway---------------what do you call a hooker with a runny nose?--------------------full.

[carpenter-t]

I forget who told me it was pronounced cesarean bread.but he's no friend of mine.

[Just Dahlia]

i forget who told me it was pronounced cesarean bread.but he's no friend of mine.

I don't get it:o
Help please:)

[Unknown008]

Uh... I know a word in French that has the 'sound' of Cesarean... could it be? But still, I don't get it... :confused: :o

[friend4u178]

Blonde goes to K-Mart to buy curtains.

She says to the salesman, 'I would like to buy a pair of pink curtains.'

The salesman shows her several patterns then he asks her what size curtains do you need?'

The blonde promptly replies, 'Seventeen inches.'

'Seventeen inches?' asked the salesman. 'That sounds very small, what room are they for! '

The blonde says, 'they aren't for a room, they are for my new computer monitor.'

The surprised salesman replies, 'But Miss, computers do not need curtains!'

The blonde says: 'Helloooooo... mine has Windows..! :rolleyes:

[Stringer]

Blonde goes to K-Mart to buy curtains.

She says to the salesman, 'I would like to buy a pair of pink curtains.'

The salesman shows her several patterns then he asks her what size curtains do you need?'

The blonde promptly replies, 'Seventeen inches.'

'Seventeen inches?' asked the salesman. 'That sounds very small, what room are they for !?'

The blonde says, 'they aren't for a room, they are for my new computer monitor.'

The surprised salesman replies, 'But Miss, computers do not need curtains!'

The blonde says: 'Helloooooo .... mine has Windows.....!! :rolleyes:

Yup... blondie. :)

[friend4u178]

THE WIDOW AND THE COWHAND
=============================

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.



She was a very attractive woman and determined to keep the ranch,

but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place

an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.

Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.

She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she

decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have

him around the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and

knew a lot about ranching.

For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.

Then one day the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have

done a really good job, and the ranch looks great.

You should go into town and kick up your heels."

The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.

One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return. Two o'clock and

no hired hand. Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon
entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the

fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.

She quietly called him over to her.

"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.

Trembling, he did as she directed.

"Now take off my boots."

He did as she asked, ever so slowly.

"Now take off my socks."
He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.

"Now take off my skirt."

He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.

"Now take off my bra."

Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told.

"And now take off my thong", and he dropped it to the floor.

Then she looked at him and said,



"If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."

[hheath541]

That's one of the best jokes I've ever heard.

[friend4u178]

Golf Balls ...



A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful blonde.




The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.




Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls".




Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him for a very long time, deeply thinking about what he had said.




After several minutes, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, she asked...



"Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"

[friend4u178]

A man and his wife were awoken at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!"

He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife..

"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.

"Did you help him?" she asks.

"No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!"

"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us?

I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the
Pounding rain.

He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"

"Yes," comes back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.

"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.


"Where are you?" asks the husband.



"Over here on the swing," replied the drunk.






.

[friend4u178]

Comments on this post
Altenweg agrees : LMAO! Okay, that one was good.

LOL... yeah well I sort of had to make up for the last one , I have a Reputation to uphold you know :rolleyes:

[Alty]

Comments on this post
Altenweg agrees : LMAO! Okay, that one was good.

LOL .................... yeah well i sorta had to make up for the last one , I have a Reputation to uphold you know :rolleyes:

Well after last night I'm sure your reputation is safe. :cool:

Oh, wait, were you talking about your reputation as the plucky comic relief? :o

[friend4u178]

I wonder if this is one of Alty's Bunnies :D