[racquel58]

Taliniman,

I was just reading another thread where you listed some of your relationship rules.

One being "never let them break your heart twice." I feel so much guilt with my ex, I broke his heart the first time. Now, this whole year I haven't committed and then I leave again? I don't want to be the one to break his heart twice!

The second being-"when you get dumped, why go back and get dumped again?" I don't want to be some horrible girl that dumps him again. Yet at the same time, I feel like how do I know he won't try control me again? Or dump me for someone more suited as he has said in the past (3 years ago though).

Or do your rules kind of go out the window for abusive relationships?

This Psych thing hhas thrown me again. Maybe I should find a relationship expert Psych? Or abuse expert Psych? Only thing is, the one that I went to that said why not give it a go for a few months, WAS a relationship expert! Maybe she didn't think my case was all that abusive!

[amicon]

The whole point of your therapy seems to be focused on this guy.

Why?

I would have thought the sessions would be about you and your finding yourself,not how to,as a priority,go through the dynamics of one particular dysfunctional relationship.

In my opinion,you might want to change therapists.

To me,you're showing many of the signs of a person who has been abused for years and who has thus come to accept the blame for the same.

His trying to change,which I don't agree that he is, is playing games in my book,and his putting his life on hold are irrelevant.

Its not about him,its about you and your recovery from many years of misery.

[talaniman]

One being "never let them break your heart twice." I feel so much guilt with my ex, I broke his heart the first time. Now, this whole year I haven't committed and then I leave again? I don't want to be the one to break his heart twice!

My rules do not apply to him, they are for YOU! Screw him!!

The second being-"when you get dumped, why go back and get dumped again?" I don't want to be some horrible girl that dumps him again. Yet at the same time, I feel like how do I know he won't try control me again? Or dump me for someone more suited as he has said in the past (3 years ago though).

Again, screw him this is all about you, and your healing, and recovery.

Or do your rules kind of go out the window for abusive relationships?

Talaniman Rule-Love yourself enough to never allow any one to treat you badly

If they do, LEAVE.

Can you tell I like to keep it simple?


I have to add that I think your in flux, between who you were, and what your trying to be. That's okay, its normal when your finding your way. Take your own sweet time and do it right. This is about you so NO HURRY! Just have patients because if you continue down your path, you will get there.

After all, who wins the race, the speedy tortoise, or the slow and steady hare?

It's the process that counts.

From another question about not allowing bad treatment

Question from Raquel,
I agree, though I have a stupid question- How do you disallow it?

First by confronting it, and letting it be known it will not be tolerated, and taking the right actions against it, including removing yourself from the situation.

You just don't let someone treat you badly, because you love yourself too much and KNOW you deserve better so fight for it, and stand up for yourself.

[racquel58]

Amicon, I see what you mean. And unless I work on myself I won't be able to see clear enough to protect myself from abusive relationships. Yet, at the same time I can't seem to see why I should leave THIS time, because I see SOME changes. Its weird. And exhausting. And something I should know!

Also, what do you mean by him putting his life on hold is irrelevant? Also how do you mean that you don't think he is really changing?

I'm so sick of going through therapists. But at the same time I feel I can't NOT get help.

Taliniman- that is exactly how I feel! Just back and forth, back and forth. And even if he has changed, there is still so much mistrust. Which I guess is the whole 'not allowing people to treat you badly'. I DID remove myself, but then to prevent it I should STAY removed. Going back means I have to trust and put myself at risk of hurt again with someone who made not just one mistake but many. How much can one really change!

[racquel58]

Threads merged

Ok, so I am reading the posts where people ask what they should do if their partner says negative things about their body.

I have a huge thread about my ex, but isolating the times he did this I am wondering what other people would do. I haven't linked the threads because I want to treat it separately.

If a partner says to his partner that he prefers her skinny, yet she is classed as petite by most.

Says he prefers a smaller behind than hers/ would be more attracted to her if she was smaller.

Says she has gained weight when she has actually lost weight and says he prefers her skinnier but doesn't want to make her unhappy.

Says the girl he cheated with was thinner and therefore more beautiful

Says he prefers tall, thin girls with less curves and more boobs.

Now you can say that a woman should love her body/ self no matter what, and not allow those comments to get to her. But even if you loved your body, how would you get over the fact that you don't want to sleep with him because he has picked things out? I mean, why does he deserve your body if he is going to be critical and compare you? (especially when you have been told by others that you should GAIN wieght at times as you were clinically underweight).

How do you be with someone that you KNOW thinks these things about you? I mean, that seems to be what people think a woman should do? Just brush off the comments and deal with it.

[J_9]

Personally, and it's just me because I have a strong personality, I would tell the BF to get over himself. He can like me for who and what I am or hit the road.

Relationships aren't built on beauty. Beauty fades. Relationships are based on personality. My man either likes me for who I am or he can find someone else.

[justcurious55]

Uh, no. I'm not sure where you got that impression. There are certain times to brush it off. If he make the mistake of one day telling you that yes, your butt does in fact look big in those jeans or yeah, you're having a bad hair day, those are things to forgive and forget. If he is regularly critical, cheats on you, then has the nerve to compare you to the woman he cheated on you with, he does not deserve to be with you. You should not just brush it off and deal with it. You show him the door and tell him to go enjoy sleeping with a twig... I don't have anything against skinny girls. I do have a problem with guys who insist girls need to be skinny though and that go on to put girls who are skinny enough to their standards down.

Edit: hm. I think its close to my bed time. I could have sworn when I first read your post you mentioned him cheating with a skinnier woman. Now I don't see that. Its still not OK for him to be so critical though

[amicon]

If somebody habitually picks negative things,as you've put it, they quickly become history with me.
In fact,strike two and they'd be out.


Why be with someone who doesn't like the whole packet?

[amicon]

Please see that this guy is n e v e r going to be your Prince Charming,he is,a toad!

You need to see that your not being able to let go of the toxic relationship is one of the things that stops you from moving on.

Like Tal said,screw him.

You DO NOT need him in your life.

[racquel58]

I guess there isn't one post that has said 'oh, well maybe he is changing! You should give him another go!' hah! That should be a clue for me

[amicon]

That,my dear,is a mega clue.

Take it from there!

[talaniman]

I think its goes back to how things are said, how they were received, and the strength of the relationship.

You would have to be a first class boob to be a cheater in the first place, and still make the wife's body the reason you cheated. Don't know a lot of females who would stand for that excuse, without pouring hot grits on a sleeping spouse.

Secondly, gently pointing things out, is a lot different than a barrage of criticism in an uncaring way. Most females would cuss there partners out and dare them to even think about coming at them in that way ever again. The guy is still a class AAA bob for such an approach, unless he knows there will be NO consequences for his actions.

How do you be with someone that you KNOW thinks these things about you?

Got no answer for that question, but it begs another question. How can you be with some one who does those things and not kick his arse when he does it?

I mean, that seems to be what people think a woman should do? Just brush off the comments and deal with it.

If you make him pay for his bad behavior, then you can easily brush him off, because your pizzed that he disrespected you, and you will not stand for it.

This is not just my opinion, but honestly, my wife would never put up with the crap you have at all, without there being hell to pay.

Its much safer for a me to shut up, and be considerate, and respectful, and loving, than going without sleep, for fear of having breakfast in bed the hard way. I ain't that stupid. :D

Bottom line, allowing bad behavior, only invites more.

[CarrotTalker]

Wow this guy sounds like a grade A jerk!
Why are you still dating him??
Kick him to the curb and go no contact.

Find someone who appreciates your personality and beauty.

[racquel58]

OK... I'm going to get yelled at... but...
I am seeing a psych. I told her about the relationship issues. I took advice from here and stated I wanted to work on myself. Thing is... the relationship is still in stand still.

II have been concentrating on restructuring my thoughts, and battling my insecurities, particularly with body image. I find I feel better about myself overall. I think the new job is helping (cross fingers). But when I am with the ex I can't help feeling like crap. Even though he says all the right things now, I concentrate on the things he did in the relationship (2-3 years ago!).

So please bear with me... I have some questions.

Do you think emotional abusers ever change?

He says he can see what he did wrong but he didn't mean to hurt me. He was just 'immature and inexperienced' in relationships.

Do you think younger people are more controlling? My friend says he has probably grown up because men are more controlling around the age of 23. (he is 27 now).

In the beginning of the relationship he said all the 'right' things. 'i want to take this slow, do things properly.' 'i won't mess you around. I'm here for you'. Then, the whole screw up relationship happened. I tell him this is why its hard to trust his lovely words now. But he just states all those things were truthful, he just screwed up and has learnt'. He seems so sincere. I can promise you he is so well liked by everyone. Is quiet, sweet, sincere, compassionate on the exterior to other people. He worked as a carer for old people for years and puts a strong emphasis on 'caring' professions. Yet how can someone like that be so harsh in a relationship? Which again makes me think I caused it. And with his put downs about how I look and me being quiet I feel if I was different the relationship would have been better.

Now I should be 'lucky' and grateful that he has been around for 1 year without sex and commitment. Yet, if I think of sleeping with his again. I literally feel sick...

BUT my psych said I am attracted to the wrong guys because I mistake love for comfort (abusive past) and I should go with people I am not comfortable with... so maybe I am just not comfortable with his because he has changed and is not abusive anymore?

Every time I think of breaking it off I think of how wonderful his next relationship will be with another girl and how I am just a nutcase.

Do you think it is normal for a woman with a relationship past like that to not forgive no matter how much they have changed? And to feel insecure and jealous around that person? (which I am working on)

[racquel58]

he says he wants marriage and kids and doesn't want anyone else (hasnt been out with other women the whole year and no sex from me).

on one hand it sounds lovely. On the other its downright scary (even for the future) because I can't forgive a couple of things he has said from the past! I,e, he may leave me for someone else (which he swears black and blue he wouldn't now) but how would I know that!

trust is so hard to gain back! But I feel I have made him work hard to gain my trust again (to no avail) because he has wasted a whole year on me. Possibly changed. Yet I won't acknowledge it and re-trust him again. And probably leave. Then once again, I'm the big b!tch... maybe I should just embrace that title, hold my head high and answer 'yes?' when anyone swings the words at me =o). And just thank my lucky stars that I had the sense to walk away and not be stupid enough to throw my trust back in him again no matter how much he appeared to have changed.

because I deserve love, trust and respect right from day one. I shouldn't have to 'earn' it over a period of years. And maybe if he has changed, that shouldn't be of my concern because quite frankly I gave it MANY shots and it is too late. My life is too precious to 'wait' around and see if someone has changed.

BUT then... he uses the "i can't tell you the truth/ i can't tell you how i feel because you just get angry". Which I do! But the reason I get angry is because his 'feelings' are that I don't see him enough or say 'no' all the time even when I see him everyday. So it feels controlling.

when we fight. We'll both be tired and ill ask what he wants to do and he'll say just lie and hold me. But I can't do that because I feel too hurt. Then its like I am this big evil cow, and he is so loving. He acts like we would never fight if it was up to him.

he always did say I started all the fights. Which I did. But I guess after reading all my posts it was understandable why I did. Only, the better way to handle it would have been to walk away the FIRST time I was disrespected. Either the cheating or at least the blackmail straight after

[racquel58]

Oh and I have so many doubts about this because when I broke it off with him I had 2 more relationships that were emotionally abusive. So I guess I feel I can't do better. Or that all relationships will be like this one, but at least we have done the hardest part in this one and hopefully made the changes so it saves me from being hurt by someone else and starting over

[racquel58]

I like the sound of that carrotTalker. For some reason though I just don't see that its possible for me! And I know... thats probably why I'm not having any luck. I guess I just feel this kind of behaviour is 'normal' in relationships and every man is goiung to have something negative to say about the way I look (though different things) and therefore I may as well stick with the one I already know... stupid huh

[amicon]

I very much doubt he will ever change and I wonder how much longer you are going to try fitting a square peg into a round hole?

Your therapy should focus on you,not him,its for you to work through your insecurities and find the inner confidence and balance you need to live a happy,fullfilling life.

Remember that.

[justcurious55]

Have you considered personal counseling for yourself? Because no, not every man will have something negative to say about how you look. It sounds like you need a self esteem boost

[talaniman]

You are wrong my dear, not every man is as uncaring and as tactless as the one you have now. Dump him and find out! Or at least tell him to shut the "F" up.

Standing up for yourself is a great ego boost, and self esteem builder.