I really don't know what to do! When I was 19 I broke up with a guy who was emotionally and physically abusive. I was down to nothing. No self esteem. No friends. No family support. I ended up clubbing with my friends a bit and met a new guy at a club. Eager to sooth my emotional pain I started seeing him. He seemed OK at first and we had been seeing each other for 2 weeks. He would constantly make remarks about other girls being so hot etc etc. and our time was always scheduled around him. I didn't love it, but thought that's just how it was whenseeing someone. Anyway, he started to get pushy telling me I had to either go out with him or I couldn't speak to him anymore because he was sick of girls messing him around. I was really delicate at that stage and just needed a friend, or at least tp take things slow (he knew about my relationship breakdown as a friend told him).
I stupidly said yes. He would pressure me to sleep at his house and lie to my family because of it. I would, because I was stupid! So by now we were exclusive. He would still catch up with girls he had just met at work etc. for coffee... I forced myself to be OK with this. He would talk about how they liked him. Still, I was OK. Then one night he said to me 'you have to go home now because I'm going out' and had this smirk on his face. I wanted to ask who with but didn't because I didn't want to be overbearing.
the next day I saw him, he was acting weird and short. I tried to think nothing of it. I slept with him 3 times that day (which wasn't unusual) but when he wanted more and I didn't want to anymore (it was completely removed and unaffectionate and he was so grumpy with me that day) he pulled a guilt trip saying how I wasn't going to see him for a few days and I wouldn't do it again. So. Like a good girlfriend. I did. A few days later he said I would have to make a big decision. I knew what was coming, he told me he cheated and I had to forgive him or let him go with her.
I was really upset but forgave him. He said it was because I wasn't affectionate enough to him (remember I was really down at this time and so nervous to be with this new guy)... I tried to be affectionate but he was always removed and concerned with other people. Even after I forgave him he would say how beautiful this girl he cheated with was, how talkative and sweet and bubbly, and how skinny she was. (she knew he had a girlfriend and was seeing 5 other guys so can't have been that sweet!). It was mental torture for me. I was very reserved at this time in my life because I was so low, and he was making me more down. I didn't think I could hate myself more. But with him, I did..
we were in a relationship for 2 years. In this time he told me I was 'realistic shaped' and bigger than other girls and had a big bum, but he realised it wasn't 'realistic' for me to be thinner. I was 5'3 53kgs, went to gym everyday doing weights and cardio. Was very fit, not wanting to brag but in the past people had liked my fit hourglass figure. I would often get compliments from random people and would be the 'hot one' at work etc. if there was anything I was going to be confident in it was my looks (but very barely).
he tried to see her for 6 or so months. Wanted to go ice skating, I said that's fine but I wanted to come and he wouldn't let me! I thought I was reasonable for letting him be friends after what happened. He would talk about how people at work made jokes about the 2 of them being lovers etc. we would go out and he would point out 'all the beautiful girls' and some in particular. He didn't look at me. Sometimes I would catch exes just giving me a sexy look behind my back checking me out (as bf's do I guess? I see my mates bfs do it to them) but he never did that. He would not look at me in my underwear/naked. Was completely uninterested saying 'ive already seen you and know what you look like'
he would say his friends are 'lucky bastards' because they are in dorms with dancers at uni (I was also a dancer! But he didn't recognise that). He would say he loves how low girls knickers and jeans are on them. I was like 'on me?' he would say 'no, in general'.
I would sleep with him every day 3 times a day, one week I didn't because I went on holiday and he said he often feels like cheating but won't because he is with me. He was at a music festival staying in a girls dorm when he said that. He also said 'one day if we are married I may meet someone else I'm more attracted to, that has the same interests as me (music- he wanted to be a musician... he is 27) and then have to decide to leave you. When I got back from my holiday I was hurt by that and couldn't bring myself to sleep with him. He would tell his friends 'he wasn't getting any' and would ring me up drunk saying 'i want sex'.
he would put me down in front of his mates. Would call in sick for work then ring me and expect me to do the same, or to cancel my day plans because he had for me. (this wasn't discussed, he just did it then expected it)... he was very controlling and I was very down. He would cancel nights for us 2 and go on 'boys nights' which I understood, but then would go to girls houses. When he studied music it tore my heart up because of the comments he said about meeting someone else. Yet I kept my mouth shut because I didn't want to ruin his dream and wanted to support him.
he would see posters when walking past lingerie shops and literally stop in front. Cross his arms, look it up and down and smirk while nodding his head, when he was with me.
he would comment on me eating too much... even justfruit. Yet say it was because he didn't want me to get fat and get upset.
because I was so low, I did some stupid things when I was drunk. We had a fight and I smashed a plate, another time I lashed out at his friend (his friend would always make snide remarks that I wasn't a good enough girlfriend to him because we always fought)... and one time I was too drunk and lashed out. I felt bad and apologised both times profusely (sp?) and saw a counsellor... she explained to me how his behaviour was controlling. After 2 years I finally broke it off... I did so while on holiday. I went away and realised I could live and be happy without him, I was going to wait until I got back but it would be 2 months so did it over the phone (which he never lets me forget)- I do feel really guilty for it to this day. We didn't talk for a year (I had 2 other bad bfs), then we got in contact again (3 years on from when we met). He says he sees the wrong from the past (which sometimes I believe) and some things have changed, yet some things haven't. We have been in contact for a year now, me deciding whether to go back with him. I feel myself esteem has plummetted again, but its my fault.
he says he did used to think badly of my body and did think my bum was too big but now he doesn't. I feel like I should be happy with this but it feels like he is running salt into the wounds, just another chance to say 'yeah you were never good enough for me, but ill accept you now, aren't you lucky!' I feel like I should be happy with this but I feel so angry from the past. At the same time I feel so guilty about the things I did. I feel guilty that's its been a year and I have only slept with him twice. I feel like I owe him for 'waiting for me' yet I cent get over the past. Especially wnen he says that he didn't think I was good enough back them (even though all his friends used to comment how hot they thought I was and how did he get me etc). I told him we can try it out for a month, then he took that as an opportunity to say 'from now on then I am going to record evertime you are angry at me'... I feel that is controlling and MAKES me angrier. I do get upset a lot from the past because he tells me to 'get over it' and I feel like I shhould but something inside tells me not to.
he will go out clubbing and not reassure me that he isn't chattiing other girls up etc. his ex love interest (who he wouldn't deny being over when he was with me, also saying she was a 'diamond in the rough' - different girl from the cheating one) would contact him calling him his nickname and he couldn't see anything wrong with that. He would add random girls onto his fb. Even though most things seem to have changed these things still upset me because of the past! I just don't know how to deal with it and get over it and forgive him (I can forgive him when we are not together, but when we are I start to hurt again and wonder why I wasn't and still can't seem to be good enough),
because I haven't slept with him this year he says I have low libido, yet he still doesn't look at me or seem interested in me especially if other girls are around. I was also house sitting, he said his parents were kicking him out, he asked if he could stay with me. At first I said yes, then 2 weeks before I moved into the house we were fighting a lot so I said its best if he doesn't stay. He put the guilt trip on saying he was counting on me and has nowhere to go. Turns out, 6 months later he is still at his parents and has offers to move into his mates but won't because girls live there and he doesn't want to upset me. Truth is, before he said that he said that it was too small and messy and that's why he didn't want to live there.
his friends all think I am this controlling cow because of the crazy things they seen/ heard of me do when drunk (twice) yet they don't see everything he did. But I feel I am in the wrong and need to change. But I don't know how to feel secure with him!!
oh also when we origibally went out he would talk about moving away and travelling the world/ working away for months and months with no thought of me.I was expected to stay behind and wait for him. This would come up every few months when I was trying to get over 'my insecurities' after he would put me down etc. he also went on a holiday with his mate and didn't tell me when he was coming back, just expected me to wait. Then he came back on a big public hol when all the highways were closed, I was at a party. He wanted me to leave, to get him at the airport because he spent all his money on alcohol. I left the party to go, then something held me back (probably closed highways!) and he put the guilt trip on. Magically he 'found' money in his pants to get him home... the night before he left to go on this trip (which had no time limit) he wanted to see me, yet he needed to go to his friends party because his friend made him 'promise that they would go to each others' I said that's fine but he expected me to pick him up an hour away when he was drunk so I could see hime the night before he left (note:him being drunk). I had to work the next morning and said no. he expected me to get work off and said I didn't care because I wouldn't make time for him!
he also had a birthday party the week before this. I told him not to have it on one particular night because it was a mates 30th... he made it that night. He expected me to forfeit the 30th... I just went to the 30th late, but the principal annoyed me. We had been together for 2 years and still there was no thought in this! He still sees nothing wrong with this.
I need to decide now to be with him or not. I have dragged it on for too long! But I am afraid I will never find anyone else and all him and his friends will blame me...
