[babygurl1977]

My boyfriend and I have been together for 9 months now and we live in different cities like an hour away from each other I don't feel like I'm rushing anything asking him to move in but he is also using his parents as an excuse not to. And I'm getting aggitated I feel like he doesn't want to move forward with this relationship. I don't know what to do. He keeps coming out with excuses I don't want to move because I don't know if my parents could make it financially, I have a beat up van I don't know if it will make it back and forth everyday to work , id like to find a job where you live first. OK but first of all his parents raised him so I'm sure they can make it on their own and probably can't wait for him to get the hell out! As far as his van is concerned and being afraid it won't make it every day for the 1 hour travel find a job where I am!! He drives fork lift and I told him there are plentyyyyy of those job offers here but then yet another excuse... I want to go higher in life I don't want to be in that job forever blah blah blah so I gave up and told him you know what I don't want you to live here anymore so forget the whole thing!! Someone have any advise? I'm losing my mind thinking about it...

[justcurious55]

Have you considered that maybe moving in with is a big step to him and you are rushing things? How old is he anyway that he's still living with his parents? And where are you living that everyone is hiring? I might just send my boyfriend away to find a job... everywhere we go, NO ONE is hiring. Anyone who has a job is doing everything they can to keep it and starting over at a new place just isn't a good idea in the economy we're in.

And yeah, so his parents raised him. What's that got to do with anything? A lot of people have run into problems financially. Do you know for a fact, beyond a doubt, that his parents really would be OK if he moved out and he were no longer there to help them?

Whatever his reasons are, I think his point it clear. He does not seem ready to move in with you at this point in time. I think you need to accept and respect that or move on to someone who is willing to rush into things with you regardless of if they're ready or not. Maybe this is really a blessing. If he moved in when he didn't really want to, he'd probably grow resentful and your relationship would be doomed.

[babygurl1977]

He's 33!! Years old! I think its time he left the nest I really don't think I'm rushing things I've done and said everything I can to make him feel comfortable here I've even given him a key! He comes and goes here as he pleases and I think by just respecting that and letting him continue doing this he's going to think great! She's dealing with it so now I can just keep on going like this and she's not going anywhere. You know what I mean? There will never be a change its always going to be like this and honestly I want someone who will take that chance and want to live with me regardless of the economy and whatever else I offered him a sweet deal to come live here and I would keep paying for everything I do now and he can still take care of his parents if need be. I think I've been very respectful to his needs where is my respect?

[talaniman]

Is it worth it to twist someone's arm to move in when he is obviously against it?? That's a recipe for disaster.

If he thinks its to soon for such a move, then it is. And in that case you are rushing him.

Maybe later IF things are going good between you, he may change is mind, and quit his job ( thats a really big thing to think about, and not as easy as you think) to start over with moving in with you, but for now, forget it!

Ever think he wants a lifetime commitment, or something more solid to believe in? That takes time my dear.

[friend4u178]

I have no idea what his reasons are for not wanting to move in with you yet , but the bottom line is if you force him to it will only create some resentment towards you. That's not a good thing so early in your relationship.

Give it some time , it's only 9 months and some people take a lot longer than that to make such a commitment.

I really believe if you push him too hard before he's ready all your going to do is push him away.

Just my opinion.

[I wish]

Unfortunately, if you're not on the same page, this relationship is going to end one-way or another.

It's obvious that you want to take the next step in this relationship. But where does he stand? He might not want to commit to you today, but is he open to the idea in the future? Is he waiting to make a stronger connection before committing?

Though I agree that you should focus on strengthening your relationship first before taking the next step, but I see a bigger issue.

It sounds like you're not happy with the progress in the last 9 months. Is it a result of your high expectations or the fact that he's just not the guy for you?

Also unfortunately is that if he's 33 and still living at home, then it's not going to be easy to get him to move out. It really does sound like you're going to have to force him out and that's definitely a recipe for disaster. If you can't find a way to get on the same page, then I suggest you go your separate ways instead of forcing the issue. You'll only end up being unhappy.

[babygurl1977]

Unfortunately, if you're not on the same page, this relationship is going to end one-way or another.

It's obvious that you want to take the next step in this relationship. But where does he stand? He might not want to commit to you today, but is he open to the idea in the future? Is he waiting to make a stronger connection before committing?

Though I agree that you should focus on strengthening your relationship first before taking the next step, but I see a bigger issue.

It sounds like you're not happy with the progress in the last 9 months. Is it a result of your high expectations or the fact that he's just not the guy for you?

Also unfortunately is that if he's 33 and still living at home, then it's not going to be easy to get him to move out. It really does sound like you're going to have to force him out and that's definitely a recipe for disaster. If you can't find a way to get on the same page, then I suggest you go your separate ways instead of forcing the issue. You'll only end up being unhappy.

Thanks your post was a lot of help and makes me think about what is best :)

[babygurl1977]

I've been dating this man for about 9 months now and recently have seen changes in him he's become more and more abusive verbally mentally and some times physically by physically I mean grabbing my arm when I walk away from an argument we are having or sitting me back down when I want to stand when we are arguing grabbing my face to look at him things like that friends are telling me it will only get worse I know this sounds very stupid but he was never abusive when I met him nor has he ever been that way with ex's (so he says) and the way I'm thinking is that it's been 9 months now if he was going to be a threat wouldn't something bad have happened already? I've never been in this situation before so I don't know what to look for as for signs and whatnot . Just 1 example of what I've experienced with him... This past weekend we went out to a club with my cousin and her boyfriend, I was dancing with my boyfriend and then saw that my cousin was looking gloomy and went over to dance with her my boyfriend started arguing with me about how I was just dancing with him and left him there to go dance with her and that it isn't right and how would you like it if I did that to you all this while backing me into a corner. My cousin said he was yelling at me so loud she heard him over the music! At that moment he was yelling at me I knew I'd had enough I never felt so embarrassed or humiliated in my life and thought to myself I am not going to let this happen anymore every time we go out to have fun this is what takes place always an argument over silly things such as me dancing with my girls not even on other men but females!! That to me is ridiculous and today I made an excuse to get my house key back and he gave it to me . I'm just asking for advise on how to break it off because that is what I have to do no matter how much it will break my heart because he is so good to me and my son and I keep thinking is this what I really want to do ? Do I really want to live without him he's so good to us maybe I'm overreacting maybe things aren't as bad as they seem? I'm losing my mind over it its crazy but I can't go on like this anymore plzzz help! Before I lose all my strength and end up staying with him.

[Larken85]

Yes you need to leave. You are totally right. He is going to be abusive, more and more as the years pass and he gets more possesive. He is dominating you and he is treating you like a child in front of people he doesn't even know. I say get rid of him and keep him gone. Its going to be hard, I can almost promise he will over step his bounds when it comes to the break up, but you got to leave before he really hurts you. Tell him he needs to get help. That is all you can and should do for him. Do not stick around and wait for the results. If somewhere down the line he has gotten treatment then you can talk to him again but it is best to go totally no contact for now.

I hope this goes easy on you and I wish you safety

[Larken85]

I just also want to add this question, Is he the type of man that you want your son to grow up to be? Does he treat you like you would want your son to treat his wife?
\If you do not stand up for yourself and get out of there your son will eventually disrespect you too. They are very impressionable. TOSS HIS SORRY @$$

[Larken85]

I know it just seems like arguments now, but I see definite scary implications in his actions. Very aggressive. And yeah, you do not want your son to grow up thinking this is the way people are supposed to be treated. I know it'll be hard, I'm sorry.

[amicon]

Babygurl-I read your previous thread where you asked advice for a friend-the advice is the same-leave-ASAP.

Abuse escalates.

You need to get out,now.

[roxypox]

I agree with the others you need to leave him!

Like amicon said, abuse escalades! It really does, it starts small and then grows...

I think its good that you got to see this bad side now, contra seeing it when you live with the person!

Its good that you got your keys back! That's a good first step!

Also keep holding on to the thoughts that are connected with WHY you don't want to be with him and DON'T think about WHY you want to be with him... cause if he's like this now, he ain't going to change!

Best of luck though!