[If_only]

I don't even know what I should write here because everything has gotten so overwhelming but I will type as I go.

My boyfriend and I broke up in Dec. He was my first real relationship and also my first sexual partner. In the beginning everything was perfect and he understood that I was new to this and he would be cooperative. I wasn't his first and I was OK with that. After a few months a long the line, we would have arguments often and it was because he is not very communicative. He would let me think whatever I want and was hardly there to clear out any misunderstandings, he basically changed and didn't keep his word. I would always have to chase him for answers and it would come to the point where I would come off as being "annoying" and he got mad about that. The thing is even in the midst of the relationship, he would want to end things and I would really have to beg and plead for him not to and he would give in. Then something else would happen and the cycle would continue.

It was his birthday in Dec so I took him out after work (this was while we were together). I took him out for dinner, then desert then gave him his present which was $350, and a cologne set. He said it was too much but I refused to take anything back and we agreed that we would go shopping with that money and we did. Two days later we went to the mall and he got himself clothes and stuff. Now here is where the downfall started. After another 5 6 days, I approached him with a question through bbming. I'm not sure if you guys are sure what that is but its basically a way to text if both parties have blackberries. I was on his fb at that time there was this girl that would always comment on his wall and he even told me about her briefly but I noticed how she would change her display picture with them two together but she would crop him out but you can still see some of his body parts so I asked him when he hangs out with her for them to take pics because for the most part he was always honest with me and told me where he was going and kept me up to date. He never lied to me. The only problems we would have were communication problems because he would just take me off bbm or even at times put me on block from texting and calling him. I would get desperate when he wouldn't answer my texts or anything so I would go crazy texting and calling-yes I know not a good thing. Well when I asked him it became a big thing and he was like it's not a big deal and that I shouldn't ask him stuff like that because he doesn't and I made it clear to him that I don't give him a chance to think anything of that sort and that I was always straight forward to him and I had nothing to hide. He met all my friends-my 3 best friends but I never met any of his. I knew about them and supposively they knew about me but I was never formally introduced to them which is another thing that bothered me in the relationship but to him it wasn't a big deal. For the most part it was always what he wanted and I was the one always chasing him. Well he took me off fb and said it was causing problems. It bothered me a lot because it wasn't even like I was accusing him of anything, I happen to be very open minded and I always told him that it was OK if he had a lot of female friends and if he hung out with them just as long as I know and I would do the same with him and he respected that in the beginning.

Well he broke up and again I begged and chased after him a lot. I always blew up his phone and at times he would just put me on block that way he wouldn't have to deal with it and again I would have to beg and chase him. He told me he wanted to "be free as a bird" as if I was holding him down from doing anything. I never put any restrictions on him and I never stopped him from doing anything but he never understood me and always took me the wrong way but because I really loved him, I tolerated his behavior. Well on the first of Jan we met. It was New Year's Eve the night before so he went out with his friends. We weren't together at this time. Another thing I'd like to mention is that I made this fake fb and added some of his friends and I would pretty much "stalk" him. Yes I know its not a good thing and I am wrong for doing so but I've been restricting myself. We met up and we out for dinner. He told me what he did the night before, and when I asked him he told me who he went with and of course he only named all his guy friends. I knew that girl would be there also but he didn't mention her name. So after dinner we went over his house and even though we shouldn't have, we slept together. I ended up coming home and the next day he was going back home. I came home and I felt stupid. I didn't feel good about myself for sleeping with him without us being together but I thought maybe he would change his mind so I confronted him again via texting. We hardly talked on the phone because he stopped calling. I asked him if we were together and he gave me vague answers like yes I would like to. Then before his flight I asked him if we were together and he said he didn't want to rush into things. This was the day after. Again I felt stupid because I saw the New Year pics on his friends fb and that girl was there. They took some pics together that I wasn't really fond of but I didn't say anything. He said he loved me and that he would call me after he got there. Well he called me after he got there and I asked him again what he wanted and he was like well I told you and I'm like ? He's like why do you want to rush things and after I said something like well it's OK for you to sleep with me but you can't be with me? Because he's stubborn, he was like OK we can be friends and after I was arguing about it, he was like we need to stop talking and again I started begging and what not. Mostly it was because I was mad he didn't tell me that girl was there even though I asked. I asked him if there was anyone else and he said I was stupid for thinking that and that there isn't anyone and because I think that way, we can't be together.

I went crazy looking at those pics and I did something really stupid. I added his friend who put up those pics on msn, made up ANOTHER fake fb and started questioning his friend about my ex. He told me they were dating and that got me really mad. Then I guess because I made it too obvious that it was someone who was just investigating and not some stranger out of the blue who friend requested me, he started playing mind games with me. He started saying oh they both are married and they got married in Japan and all this rubbish. I figured out that this guy knew that I was someone who knew his friend and that I was just investigating so I got myself out of that whole mess by signing off. I was afraid he would tell his friend (my ex) about it though. Well the next day my ex calls me from overseas and he was acting normal. But I knew something was up but I didn't say anything. So the next day my ex texts me and tells me that he knows that it was me and that he was on the phone with his friend at that time and his friend told him what was going on and my friend totally lied to me about everything and that he got my IP address which proves it was me. Well afterwards I admitted it was me and that I did it because he lied to me when he didn't have to and he made me feel like I was worth nothing after doing it with me but not giving us a title. This went on for 3 weeks I texted and called him back and forth and yes that raised my cell phone bill which was totally not worth it. It was very hard getting in contact with him once again and that made me more furious. I would only get to talk to him for 2 3 minutes if I got lucky and then he would just hang up on me. He told me they are just friends and he didn't tell me because I was already on her case and it wouldn't help if he told me. He was OK towards the end and then he hit me up when he arrived back to New York. We talked fine as friends but I wanted to confront him face to face because it was bothering me. Honestly I felt really stupid because I realized I gave her way too much importance. So we met again for dinner after me begging and chasing him again. He told me how stupid I was and how she's not his type and she has a boyfriend and that she's nothing compared to me so I shouldn't even stress about it. He told me I was a very nice girl and he loves me but at times I just go crazy. Well once again we ended up doing it that night. YES ANOTHER FAULT OF MINE. I would come home and then start the whole "do u do it with me because u feel pity for me" and stuff like that and he would say no it's because he still has feelings for me and so on.

The thing is he would still act like we were together like he would flirt and tell me how he wanted to do it with me and how he wanted to go away for the weekend and stuff like that but at the same time he wouldn't call or update me like before so I already knew we weren't together. I basically showed him how desperate I was so I guess he thought I would always be there no matter what. I kept telling him that whatever he thought about me was wrong and that I'm not psycho and I'm not crazy but it's because we just don't communicate and he just believes what he wants and that'sthe problem. Again we would have fights and again he would block me and the cycle would continue.

Now recently we got into an argument and again he put me on block where I can't call him or text him. The next day I added him on bbm and he denied it a few times and then he got mad and said if I get taken off one more time he wouldn't add me back on. I left him alone for the day and later I apologized for stressing him out and thanked him for putting up with me. Before this last argument which was 2 weeks ago, we were talking fine. He told me he didn't hate me because I asked him but I said he acts like he does because he would always say something negative or at least I thought he meant it in a malicious manner and he would just be like I think too much. The next day I asked if he wanted to go see a movie which we both were supposed to see together and he said he was busy and I got a little mad and I said busy doing what, ignoring my existence? It bothered me how everyday he was mad at me for the most stupidest things. It wasn't that I wanted to get back with him, but because he was my first and we got along fine in the beginning, I didn't want to lose him as a friend. Then he proceeded to tell me how he doesn't like me anymore because of my behavior and that things aren't the same. I was confused because I was only talking about being friends so I don't know why he said he doesn't like me anymore. I asked him what he wanted and he said we can be friends and I was like how can we be friends if he just can't be cool with me and stop being mad and he said we are OK but I said how are we OK if he's constantly thinking something of me which I'm not. I told him I was tired of him always not understanding me and I always chased him because I'm really not that bad. Well he took me off bbm and this was two weeks ago and I have not heard anything about him ever since.

I went crazy and emailed him because he blocked me from calling and texting (sms) but I got no response. He even told me earlier that he would block my email addresses, I don't know if he has. I even made my friends text him but got no response. I added him on bbm but he denied it. Then I texted from my friends number saying it wasn't fair to me for him to just walk away and he couldve respected me a little to just tell me himself he didn't want me in his life. I told him I felt like he hated me and I didn't want that and perhaps maybe he would get a restrainging order against me. I said a lot-mostly to get his attention, some out of anger and some of it was how I felt. He disappeared a month ago but after 10 days he came back but again we fought and I kept texting him and he said he wouldn't ever again. Now its been like 2 weeks. I'm not sure if he will contact me again ever. I really miss him, I did a lot for him and never expected anything in return. He wasn't always romantic and never went out of his way to do anything special for me and I was OK with that but the way he treated me is ridiculous. My friends said he will contact me sometime but I should not speak to him again. What are your thoughts? And sorry for the long post.

[If_only]

I forgot to add, the last conversation we had where he said he doesn't like me anymore and that we can be friends, he said to not expect us to hang out because things end up happening between us two and he doesn't want that. I told him it wasn't hard for him to hold himself back and that made no sense. I honestly don't know what this guy wants but I am tired of looking into it and looking for answers when he should have the decency to give me closure himself.

[emopunk7]

Just leave him alone andlearn to not be so dependent on somebody. It's not very attractive. Be cool and find someone you naturally feel comfortable with. Work on yourself a bit and have fun as you do it. I'm wishing you the best.

[If_only]

Do u think he will try contacting me again? This is the first time we've lasted this long from speaking to each other. Will he miss me if I don't contact him? I haven't said anything to him for almost 10 days now.

[emopunk7]

You are in still wanting him and you don't get that he doesn't want you. Why do you still want him to call you? That's being needy and this is why you should work on yourself to no longer be that way. you can do it. I know its hard but you can do it. Don't wait around for a call. How is anybody suppose to know if he will call? I do know that you shouldn't wait around for one.

[Kitkat22]

Why in the world would you want to be with somebody who doesn't want to be with you? He has made it very clear he is through with. What is this need you have to be with him?
You are not only throwing away your self respect you are starting to annoy him?

What is this guy going to have to say to you to make you leave him alone? He doesn't love you and he has told you that! :confused:

[talaniman]

Time to walk away.

[If_only]

He could've shown some respect and tell me himself he didn't want me in his life rather than telling me we can be friends. I don't feel too good about it.

[Kitkat22]

Life isn't fair kiddo. This won't be the last disappointment you have.
Hang in there and leave him alone.

[If_only]

Thanks for your advice. I don't plan on contacting him myself ever and plan on doing the whole NC for the most part. Hope he realizes he went hard on me for no reason.

[Kitkat22]

You'll do fine!

[amicon]

You do NC for yourself,to help you heal from the breakup.

It doesn't matter what he thinks or how he feels-its over and you should concentrate on yourself and getting over him so you can move on.

Take care.

[Kitkat22]

Hey.. It's his loss! Move on and in a year , you'll wonder what you ever saw in the guy! Blessings

[If_only]

Deep inside I know it's his loss but at the same time I can't help but think about everything over and over again and regret the mistakes I made. I keep thinking IF maybe I didn't say that or do this maybe today we he would be in my life. It's just that now I just got tired of always chasing him and waiting for answers.

At times I wonder why he lasted this long when all he wanted to do at the end was to just block me and disappear. He vanished before for 10 days but came back and again we started that whole cycle which I admit isn't healthy at all but I don't know I still feel incomplete. Hopefully this NC thing will help me overcome all this. I feel bad for the next girl in his life because the dude is extremely stubborn!

[Kitkat22]

Deep inside I know it's his loss but at the same time I can't help but think about everything over and over again and regret the mistakes I made. I keep thinking IF maybe I didn't say that or do this maybe today we he would be in my life. It's just that now I just got tired of always chasing him and waiting for answers.

At times I wonder why he lasted this long when all he wanted to do at the end was to just block me and disappear. He vanished before for 10 days but came back and again we started that whole cycle which I admit isn't healthy at all but I don't know I still feel incomplete. Hopefully this NC thing will help me overcome all this. I feel bad for the next girl in his life because the dude is extremely stubborn!

Then stop it. If you two are meant to be , it will happen. Take some time for yourself. Don't contact him!:) Blessings

[ClassySassy]

I definitely think it's time to let go and walk away. It almost sounds like he kind of enjoys you being so twisted up over him and therefore is finding some kind of morbid enjoyment in tormenting you by saying you can be friends so he can get a piece when he feels like it. He is treating you like a rug, and you are letting him. It's time to move on, and let someone into your life that will treat you better.

[Kitkat22]

Thanks for ur advice. I don't plan on contacting him myself ever and plan on doing the whole NC for the most part. Hope he realizes he went hard on me for no reason.

I hope so too! Let us know and keep in touch. Blessings:):)

[bidingmytime]

Ah man, that sux when you really like someone and it turns out like that. =o(

I think he did what he did because he didn't know how else to handle the situation. Deep down inside he does care about you and that's why he said "i want to be friends" but he knows that he can't see you any more because you two do not have a "friend" relationship. And you can't be just friends till enough time has passed so that you no longer have feelings for him(probably 2 years in this case).

You need to get over him. Don't contact him, try your best not to think about him, and go out on a few dates with other guys.

Maybe in a year and a half or so, you can give him a call and still be friends (when you have a new boyfriend)

And, if you do start dating someone else, don't get so attached! Don't let yourself get in a situation where you are so emotionally wrapped up in someone. And when they say the first time "I want to break up" let them go. Never call or text someone lots and lots of times. If you do that, some guys will find you less attractive. If you kind of ignore the guy a little, he will really like. That's just the way it works. =o)

[Showme_urmove]

I know you are feeling lots and lots of pain at this moment. Im going through one right now! Hang on there and you will move. It was your first true love and relationship so its understandable why you acted that way, learned from it and move on. I know its easier said then done but the more you hang on the memories the longer it will take you to heal. His a guy so any chance of him having sexual interaction he will take it doesn't matter if his attached or not. Give yourself a favor and just move on, and when you do find someone else learned from this and let that guy chase after you. I am really sorry for you feeling this type of pain, it is one of the most painful thing you can ever counter in your life.

Stop thinking about all the good times cause all your doing is peeling the scabs and it will be hard to heal. Good luck and if you need help moving on just let us know!

[Larken85]

OK OK sorry. I just read through this whole thing and I am actually kind of regretting the time it took to do so. You could have summed it up by saying my boyfriend has been driven into maddness and I can't stay away.
The reason he can't be friends with you is pretty simple in my opinion. He can't stand the fact that you are always begging him for attention. Here is my thoughts on begging, there are only two times in your life that begging is acceptable. 1st, you life is being threatened by someone t, 2nd is when you really really screwed up with someone you love and you need their forgiveness. This does not mean making the same mistake over and over and over and over again. Your mistake was bothering him every second of every day and not at all in any way trusting the poor guy.
I mean you say that you said his activities were fine and all that but your actions speak much louder in that he was not free to do anything he wanted to do if it did not include you. He kept taking you back because you made it so hard to leave but my theory is that if he could have gotten away clean he would have long long ago.
Begging people over and over for the same thing is just shamful. Get your life together and stop depending on a man to make you feel better. Go talk to a professional about yourself worth and become a stronger person. And lastly, stay single for a while and enjoy freedom even if its not your ultimate goal. You'll find that you love life without a boyfriend that you feel you have to control.

Oh yeah, you calling him stubborn is like the pot calling the kettle black.

Sorry it was harsh but this is something you needed to hear but everyone else is far to nice to say. I won't call anyone a psycho stauker ex-gf but you sure do make that hard not to say.