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Originally Posted by Altenweg
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A New Zealand husband walks into the bedroom with a sheep on a leash and says... "Honey, this is the cow I make love to when you have a headache." The wife, lying in the bed reading a book, looks up and says, "If you weren't such an idiot, you'd know that's a sheep, Not a cow." The guy replies, "If you weren't such a presumptuous b1tch , You'd realize I was talking to the sheep." |
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A little boy living with his newly single mother wakes up in the middle of the night and has to go to the bathroom.on his way he passes his mothers room.the door is open a little he see her running her hands around herself saying I need a man I need a man.he thinks nothing of it goes to the bathroom and goes back to bed.the next night the same thing happens she saying I need a man I need a man.again he just goes to the bathroom and goes back to bed.the next night he's walking by her room and sees a man in there with his mom,he forgets about the bathroom runs back to his room jumps up on the bed and starts rubbing himself all over saying I need a bike I need a bike. |
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A guy came into a bar one day and said to the bartender, "Give me six double vodkas."
The bartender says, "Wow! you must have had one hell of a day." "Yes, I``ve just found out my older brother is gay." The next day the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks. When the bartender asked what the problem was today the answer came back, "I``ve just found out that my younger brother is gay too!" On the third day the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas. The bartender said, "Jesus! Doesn``t anybody in your family like women?" "Yeah, my wife..." |
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Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. They loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farm house and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night. "I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained, "and I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house." "Not to worry," Jack said, "we'll be happy to sleep in the barn, and if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light." The lady agreed and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared and they got on their way and enjoyed a great weekend of skiing. About nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he met on the ski weekend. He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked: "Bob, do you remember that good- looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north?" "Yes, I do." "Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and fool around with her?" "Yes," he said, a little embarrassed about being found out. "I have to admit that I did." "And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?" Bob's face turned red and he said, "Yeah, sorry buddy, I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask?" "No need to apologize, Bob. She just died and left me everything!" |
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An tourist is sitting in a bar in irland notices the man next to him looks bummed out,so he ask what's up.the man says see this bar I built this bar you would think people would call me o'brien the bar builder but no.look out that window see that fence I built that fence you would think people would call me o'brien the fence builder but no.and see that barn beyond the fence I built that barn you'd think people would call me o'brien the barn builder but nooo. But you f__k one sheep. |
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A Montana rancher got in his pickup and drove to a neighboring ranch and knocked at the door. A young boy, about 9, opened the door "Is your Dad home? " the rancher asked. "No sir, he isn't, " the boy replied. "He went into town. " "Well, " said the rancher, "Is your Mother here? " "No sir, she's not here either. She went into town with Dad. " "How about your brother, Howard? Is he here? " "No sir, He went with Mom and Dad. " The rancher stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other and mumbling to himself. "Is there anything I can do for you? " the boy asked politely. "I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one. Or maybe I could take a message for Dad. " "Well, " said the rancher uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter, Jasmine, pregnant. "' The boy considered for a moment. "You would have to talk to Pa about that, " he finally conceded. "If it helps you any, I know that Pa charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the hog, but I really don't know how much he gets for Howard. " |
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