[tinyt]

I moved in with my now husband of 7 months almost 2 years ago. I made the difficult decision to move from California to New York to be with him and also made the mistake of moving in with him and his family. I thought this was a temporary arrangement that would end as soon as my husband graduated from Law School and got on his feet with his career. Now we are married and we have a baby on the way and we still live with his parents. We just bought our own home but his parents are coming with us because his father is ill with cancer and they are in deep financial trouble. This would not be a problem if she was not so controlling and if my husband started depending on me more then his mother. I feel as though I am his sister and not his wife. He relies on is mother for just about everything from laundry to simple errands. She packs a breakfast bag for him daily and also takes him to the train. Every time I have tried to take on some responsibilities it's as though she thinks she does it better and beats me to it. I feel useless as a wife and I have expressed this to my husband. He basically says that she is more efficient and he knows that she will get the things done he needs. In my opinion their relationship is unhealthy and abnormal especially since she has two other sons that she does not treat this way. He is 27 and I am 23 and I just do not understand why he is so dependent on his mom instead of his wife. How can I end this nightmare?

[tinyt]

I have been with my now husband for almost 2 years and we have been married for 7 months. We are also expecting our first baby shortly. My mother-in-law continuously mentions his 2 ex- girlfriends and has since we have been together. She speaks of them as though they are my sisters or relatives. She is also very good friends with my husbands ex girlfriends mother and they go out to dinner every week. Some of the things she has told me about them are extremely inappropriate and have given me a ton of anxiety. I hear about an ex on a daily basis and at the beginning it did not bother me but I just do not see the point now that we are married with a baby on the way. I do not want to be disrespectful and I do not know how to approach the issue. I just wonder if I will be hearing about these 2 girls for the rest of my life. I have tried to make subtle hints such as I was in a relationship for 6 years and my parents never utter this mans name out of respect for my husband. I am so confused, help?

[justcurious55]

Mind if I give you another point of view? Some people wish there parents would do half that much for them! :) it is a little strange to me that she still packs his lunch and takes him to the train, I haven't had anyone pack my lunch since I was in 3rd grade. And rides to school ended in middle school. It sounds like he must be his mother's favorite. Is he the youngest? You might not want to make too much of a fuss just yet. You mentioned a baby on the way. You might appreciate her help when the baby is born and you can focus on your baby while she takes care of everything else.

[Cat1864]

Until they get merged: https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/marria...aw-449872.html

It sounds like you and your husband need to sit down with a marriage counselor. Your mother-in-law is being inappropriate in several ways and it is your husband's place to explain to his mother that she over-stepping the boundaries of your marriage.

I would also suggest family counseling with his mother. It seems she is a bit stuck in the past. Unfortunately, I can understand part of that as her way of dealing with her husband's illness.

Parenting classes and Lamaze would also be good ways to build the bond between you and prepare for the new life you are bringing into the world.

[cdad]

Just tell her outright to stop. To some people it seems subtle means hitting them with a sledge hammer. She needs to know and respect your boundries.

[justcurious55]

That second post shows a totally different story. Now I see why her over-helpfulness is rubbing the OP the wrong way. I'd be upset with the mother in law and the husband too.

[justcurious55]

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/marria...ip-449866.html

I think we need both for the whole story here

[Cat1864]

that second post shows a totally different story. now i see why her over-helpfulness is rubbing the OP the wrong way. i'd be upset with the mother in law and the husband too.

Mom is definitely having problems adjusting.

[tinyt]

Mom is definitely having problems adjusting.

He is not the youngest but the middle child just like me. Although she is very helpful in many ways I feel as though she is keeping him from becoming a husband and more importantly now a soon to be father. I am afraid that this will eventually cause major problems in our marriage. All my images of my first year of marriage have been squashed by both her and my husband. I just imagined me burning his workshirt and running him late to the train, just trying to figure life out together. I now know this will never happen because my husband's mother will always take care of everything. She makes me feel so disconnected to him because she is involved in everything.

[Cat1864]

He is not the youngest but the middle child just like me. Although she is very helpful in many ways I feel as though she is keeping him from becoming a husband and more importantly now a soon to be father. I am afraid that this will eventually cause major problems in our marriage. All my images of my first year of marriage have been squashed by both her and my husband. I just imagined me burning his workshirt and running him late to the train, just trying to figure life out together. I now know this will never happen because my husband's mother will always take care of everything. She makes me feel so disconnected to him because she is involved in everything.

Have you told your husband all of that? I suggested counseling to give you a safe way to tell him how you feel without turning a discussion into a fight or argument. A counselor can also give you both tools to use to be able to communicate better with each other. As parents, you are going to need those communication skills.

[tinyt]

Have you told your husband all of that? I suggested counseling to give you a safe way to tell him how you feel without turning a discussion into a fight or argument. A counselor can also give you both tools to use to be able to communicate better with each other. As parents, you are going to need those communication skills.

Yes, on several occasions. It has been the root cause to all of our fights. He is not a fighter so he just shuts down and ignores what I am saying. I know I have allowed my emotions to get the best of me and have said some stupid things like you might as well had her carry your child, or I would not be surprised if you would rather her breastfeed our baby. I know they are cheap shots but I have been so frustrated with this. I even packed up my life and said I was leaving him to raise my baby alone in California because this was too much for me to handle.

[tinyt]

mind if i give you another point of view? some people wish there parents would do half that much for them! :) it is a little strange to me that she still packs his lunch and takes him to the train, i haven't had anyone pack my lunch since i was in 3rd grade. and rides to school ended in middle school. it sounds like he must be his mother's favorite. is he the youngest? you might not want to make to much of a fuss just yet. you mentioned a baby on the way. you might appreciate her help when the baby is born and you can focus on your baby while she takes care of everything else.

Yes I agree she certainly does a great deal for us and I am sure I will appreciate her help when the baby arrives. Sometimes when I have given my husband a job to do he passes it on to her or she does it and says her son would not know what do. I am so worried that this will be the case with our child and she will just take on any parental responsibilities my husband should be doing as a father.

[Fr_Chuck]

I would say time for husband to make some choices and you to start demanding them. You have to take charge and control of your own home. And remind husband that you are his wife, and need to be treated as such.

[tinyt]

I would say time for husband to make some choices and you to start demanding them. You have to take charge and control of your own home. And remind husband that you are his wife, and need to be treated as such.

I have tried to do this and it only leads to a huge fight and me getting so upset and threatening to leave. I know this is not the way I should handle this situation because I know that marriage requires work but I feel as though I have made all the sacrifices and he has not. His life has been the same since he was 5. The only difference is he now has a job and a warm body next to him at night. Nothing has changed since he was 5 years old. He is still on his parents cellular account, credit card account, and insurance. All things you should share with your wife, but he doesn't see this as a problem

[Gemini54]

Of course this situation is unhealthy. What's more it is horribly corrosive to your marriage.

Marriage traditionally means separation from parents and the start of a new life with your marriage partner. A husband's priority should be his wife, not his mother, and mothers should let go of their sons and allow them to carve a new INDEPENDENT life with their wives.

This is just not happening in your case, and so the boundaries have become all confused and you seem to have simply taken on the role of providing a warm bed and sex.

I honestly don't know how you break this unhealthy connection between the mother and son. What I would strongly suggest is that you go to a counselor on your own to work through what your options are, and how you might approach this situation.

I suspect that even living separately, it would still be somewhat 'incestuous' between them. The pattern of dependence has been set and neither of them has anything to gain by changing it.

It might eventually mean you have to give him an ultimatum - it's either you or her. And, you need to be mentally and emotionally prepared to deal with his choice - especially if it goes against you!

[Jake2008]

He seems to have his pecking order all lined up, and you are somewhere under the importance and value of his mother.

I cannot imagine living my life with a man who is so emotionally attached to his mother, especially at his age. It is unhealthy for both of them, and as someone has said, it passes all boundaries, and is terribly unfair to you.

It is bothersome that you will also be taking them on in YOUR home when you move, and that they have great financial difficulty, which means that you will likely be providing for them, and their needs.

With your father in law being ill, this situation looks like it's shaping up to be permanent.

It is possible that he cannot break these bonds with his parents, and his mother in particular. To have him start his marriage with you, and put your needs first is questionable.

I agree with Gemini, that you should go to counselling and talk this out. You need to be able to assert yourself enough to gain your independence (particularly with a baby on the way), set some ground rules, and have a relationship with your husband. If that isn't going to happen, figure out your options, and make a decision whether to stay or not.

I really wish you well, and I hope you gain some support from your family and counselling.

[tinyt]

Of course this situation is unhealthy. What's more it is horribly corrosive to your marriage.

Marriage traditionally means separation from parents and the start of a new life with your marriage partner. A husband's priority should be his wife, not his mother, and mothers should let go of their sons and allow them to carve a new INDEPENDENT life with their wives.

This is just not happening in your case, and so the boundaries have become all confused and you seem to have simply taken on the role of providing a warm bed and sex.

I honestly don't know how you break this unhealthy connection between the mother and son. What I would strongly suggest is that you go to a counselor on your own to work through what your options are, and how you might approach this situation.

I suspect that even living separately, it would still be somewhat 'incestuous' between them. The pattern of dependence has been set and neither of them has anything to gain by changing it.

It might eventually mean you have to give him an ultimatum - it's either you or her. And, you need to be mentally and emotionally prepared to deal with his choice - especially if it goes against you!

Thanks so much for your advice.

Every time we argue about this his answer is that he hasn't changed so it should be no surprise to me and that he doesn't understand why I'm now getting so upset about it. Although that is a valid point it never occurred to me that a married man could behave in such an abnormal fashion. I guess I just figured as soon as we said our I do's he'd cut the umbilical cord with his mom.

I have found a counselor to talk to but have chickened out on many occasions. Going on my own is a good idea though because I have tried everything on my own and its obviously not working out for me.

[tinyt]

He seems to have his pecking order all lined up, and you are somewhere under the importance and value of his mother.

I cannot imagine living my life with a man who is so emotionally attached to his mother, especially at his age. It is unhealthy for both of them, and as someone has said, it passes all boundaries, and is terribly unfair to you.

It is bothersome that you will also be taking them on in YOUR home when you move, and that they have great financial difficulty, which means that you will likely be providing for them, and their needs.

With your father in law being ill, this situation looks like it's shaping up to be permanent.

It is possible that he cannot break these bonds with his parents, and his mother in particular. To have him start his marriage with you, and put your needs first is questionable.

I agree with Gemini, that you should go to counselling and talk this out. You need to be able to assert yourself enough to gain your independence (particularly with a baby on the way), set some ground rules, and have a relationship with your husband. If that isn't going to happen, figure out your options, and make a decision whether to stay or not.

I really wish you well, and I hope you gain some support from your family and counselling.

Yes its pretty frustrating but the wierdest part of all this is that he does not have a particularly good relationship with his mother. They rarely speak to one another but it's as though she is obsessed with him and he still depends on her for everything.

He is more family oriented then his brothers and refuses to abandon his parents when they are in need which is admirable but its getting in the way of him starting his own family which is well underway.

Thanks for the advice I am def considering meeting with a counselor to deal with this. Her relationship with her husband is very bizarre and I am worried that my husband may think that this is an acceptable way to be.