[rhinoa]

Here is my situation. I need help and any insights would be most welcome. And apologies for the long recap.

We were/have been together for over a year now. This is her most serious relationship to date. I am more of a moody, depressed type whereas she has been the more caring supportive one. We did not have any serious arguments until this date. She, as she explains, takes everything in her stride and keeps a cool face while I express my feelings instantly.

Since the last 6 months or so, I have been practically living at her house (where she lives with her flatmate) mostly as a result of her insistence that we spend more time together. She loves/loved me and I still love and care about her.

Last week, I took a sick leave from work for a couple of days and I stayed at my own flat to recuperate. During that time she only called me once and seemed distant. I made a big deal out of it and confronted her. On the phone, when I asked her she missed me, she said she did not know, she felt sort of apathy at everything around her, including me. Out of an instant thought, I told her to tell me straightly that she wants to break up with me and I would not bother her. She said she did not know and was confused. She said she was scared of breaking up with me because if she did, and then later she decided being with me was what she wanted, I would not even talk to her.

That night I went to her place to talk. When we talked face to face she had sort of a melt down. She said she was feeling restraint and bored with her life. That she was unhappy. That she was always a loner and that was how she defined herself, a strong, independent person. And being with me and feeling this way for a person confused her and sort of endangered her perception of herself. Because whether she wanted or not, she could not help being worried about me if I was away (e.g. what I'd eat, whether I'd look after myself). She also said being together all the time was not for her. She wanted to do all the things she did before we were together (e.g. going out every night with friends, not worrying about or caring about anything). Also, she maybe wanted to go away for a year, or who knows how long etc. She said she did not know what she'd do if told her such things. She also said she was so sorry that she were breaking my heart like this. But she felt good feeling this apathy and was not sure whether this or a relationship was what she wanted.All the while, she said if she chose to be alone what would she do when she is, say, 50?

I think she is bored with her life, and confused and since I am part of her life I am part of the reason she feels this way.

I asked whether me or my actions were reason for her feeling this way. She said she did not know. I told her I valued her and loved her very much and would be by her side if she needed help from me. Then I suggested giving each other some time to be alone by ourselves. If it worked out then great, if not it could be better for both of us to live through such an ordeal to find happiness (either alone or together). She said if I acted all mean and not say all these things, it would make everything that much easier because then she would blame me. I said if that will make it easier for you then I can say all those things you want me to say. She said no, because she did not know what she wanted.

Then I told her I'd better pack my stuff, she said not to take all of my stuff and I agreed (wrong action?). It was late and I wanted to sleep on the couch. She said my back would hurt and we slept on the same bed. She was physically close while sleeping- though not as close as most of the times. In the morning I took most of my instantly needed stuff from her place, still have the keys. I was not sure of whether keeping the keys. Because she left her keys at work, I gave my keys to her she locked the door. I was waiting for her in the elevator, did not ask for the keys but she put the keys on my coats fron pocket and zipped up the pocket. That was last Thursday and we did not have any contact whatsoever until today.

If you were kind enough to read all this, please share your insights and what you think I should do?

Thanks a lot.


Also, she said she would normally get fed up with her partners and flee the scene, never looking back and not caring about them. And it was the first time she opened up her feelings to someone.

[talaniman]

>Harshness Warning<

I think you started a big fat drama over nothing at all, and should be ashamed you acted like a big needy baby, who was spoiled, and didn't get enough attention.

[Jake2008]

I think what you may have done is just confirmed her doubts.

You made this all about you, and it was really all about her, and how she has changed.

It didn't necessarily have to be an all or nothing situation. Had you just listened, and agreed to give her space and time, that may have been all she needed.

You put the issue of breaking up out there, which says you didn't understand what she was saying, and then forced the issue to where you are now.

You have confirmed her thoughts that you are needy, and in my opinion, immature in handling a crisis in a relationship.

It may be that you need someone who is more dependent upon you, or you may need someone who is willing to accept that you being needy is just the way you are.

Then again, perhaps the relationship was heading toward the end a long time ago.

Before you begin a new relationship, I hope you would do some serious reflecting on what you bring to the table, and what you are looking for in a partner.

[rhinoa]

Thanks a lot you guys. It is harsh but I think this is what I needed to reflect on myself and future relationships


Having said that, I am still confused. Should I try to contact her (and show her I'll be there for her if she wants) or let her take as much time as she needs and contact me if she wants to?

[amicon]

Stick to the no contact-give her space and don't hang around waiting for her to get in touch-get busy doing your own thing and working on yourself.

[talaniman]

Leave her alone, plain and simple.