[A4Effort]

Do you think you might be trying too hard to find love? Just a question to guide your thought process.

I think so. I do not know why. The thing is I do not feel alone when I am single. Well that may be a lie from time to time but for the most part its true. I am so busy (full time college student, 3 jobs, martial arts training, psychology lab, student newspaper, photographer, etc.. ) that I am always busy. I am very extroverted and always have friends around when the time is appropriate. I can stay in and read a book alone and I can also be dancing away the night on a dance floor. I just do not know why I am this is so important to me. Maybe it has something to do with my parents and their divorce. I don't know.

Thank you Yosomoton for the question.

[Yosomoton213]

Haha well then stop it. You seem like you have a lot going for you, and a lot of stuff on your plate as well. You're going to be fine. Just take a chill pill and relax.

I mean, still go out and dance, and do the things you do. But you don't have to be searching for a soul mate, especially in college. I'm graduating soon, and I see all of these girls and guys who... really have no business together based on their histories and past experiences, really being pressured into marriage after graduation. I think of all of these, 2-3 may last through the engagement.

Just be real and set reasonable expectations for yourself. There shouldn't be any pressure to go out and find a mate. Go out and have fun.

[UnluckyDucky]

I feel as if I need to continue doing this in order to learn what really love is. I know what I am about to say will sound pessimistic but I feel as if its true. When you first start getting involved in serious relationships you do not have a clue as to what love is. Then you experience your first true love and everything is grand. Then the break up comes and you experience the pain that so many have felt. From there your idea of love gets distorted. You think of love in a more logical and rational way. The doves fly away, the dreams turn to reality, cloud 9 sinks to the earth, and the little guy with the love arrows flies away. As you start dating again and experiencing new relationships you experience love differently. No more love at first sight. Its more about having similarities. Love becomes defined by concrete ideals such looks, finance, commonalities, etc.....You try to see if you are "compatible." Love becomes the composition of many little commonalities. The more you date, the more you get hurt, the more you think logical. So why bother? I know I can make myself happy. I know I can be single and be ok with it. Why do we continue to love? We can be around with friends to share our feelings, we can go to a movie to make ourselfs laugh, we create art to express ourselves, and we can read books to gain knowledge.

I miss the days where "true love" roamed through my head. I miss being ignorant when it came to knowing what love meant. I can tell that I have not grown up yet. I can tell that I have much to learn. I can even tell myself that everything will be alright. But it still sucks. It is still frustrating when you put yourself out there. When you finally hear your heart beating louder because you get excited every time you hear her voice.

The idea of love spans across many cultures. There are countless poems, stories, and other forms of art that seek to describe, explain, and express it. You're certainly not the first to wonder what love really is, and you will not be the last either.

It is true that while our own experiences over time will define and shape what we see love to be, I would hardly describe this process as distorting it. Through these experiences, we reach different stages of understanding of what love means to us and it is at these deeper levels of understanding where we see the true beauty and amazingness (yup, just made that word up) of what love really is as well as gain a greater appreciation of it. Let me put it this way - I would GLADLY give up the shallow understanding of love I had when I was younger and naïve any day of the week compared to what I know now. When you reach the same level of understanding, you'll know exactly what I mean. They say ignorance is bliss - but in reality I say that people don't know what they're missing out on... :cool:

Why bother you ask? Why date and get hurt? It's quite simple really. I date, but I don't get hurt because I have zero expectations. I have a very fulfilling life as it stands right now, and will continue to - regardless of who enters and leaves my life. Dating helps people identify traits which they would appreciate in having in a potential partner. In fact, the way I see it every girl I date is a step closer to finding someone who I can share my life with on a more long term basis.

[A4Effort]

So, how can I learn to go on a date and have zero expectations?

If I go on a date and start to like the girl, I instantly start to have expectations of something more. Aka relationship.


How do I turn this off?




Oh and this is totally off topic but I was thinking to myself and came up with this funny statement:

I took a stab at love but all it did is stab me back. Good thing I know self-defense.

[UnluckyDucky]

Doesn't happen overnight, believe me, but it will come in time. I've learned to just enjoy the moments and enjoy the process of getting to know people. Have I liked some of the women I've gone on dates with? You bet. Have I considered some of them as potential relationship material? Of course. I am blessed to have the perspective that my life is perfectly dandy without a significant other. I'm well on my path in life and while I enjoy female company I'm not in a rush to get into a relationship. I still have a lot that I want to accomplish before I settle down - getting into a serious relationship right now would hinder that.

Have you thought about your path in life? What do you plan to do with your life? Where are you going? Are there things you want to experience?

Sounds like you could turn that into a bumper sticker...

[A4Effort]

Have you thought about your path in life? What do you plan to do with your life? Where are you going? Are there things you want to experience?

Well, grad school is a must and eventually my long-term goal is to earn my Phd/PsyD in psychology and open my own private practice. I want to travel some more too (going to Barcelona this summer).

I want to continue meeting new people. I want to continue learning. I want to continue my art/ photography. I want to receive my master rank in taekwondo. I want to meet someone special I can spend the rest of my life with. I want to be successful, healthy, etc... There is so much I look for. I love experience new places, foods, people, ideas, sports, etc...

[bswc]

Going tough down the road A4, I'm in the same situation as you are. My exes are still in the fairy tale state while I'm moving on with deeper understanding of love, it is painful when u can't see what u saw.

[UnluckyDucky]

Well, grad school is a must and eventually my long-term goal is to earn my Phd/PsyD in psychology and open my own private practice. I want to travel some more too (going to Barcelona this summer).

I want to continue meeting new people. I want to continue learning. I want to continue my art/ photography. I want to recieve my master rank in taekwondo. I want to meet someone special I can spend the rest of my life with. I want to be successful, healthy, etc..... There is so much I look for. I love experience new places, foods, people, ideas, sports, etc.....

And you're only 21? I know people in their 50s who don't even have half of the goals you do (or strive to do). You're off to a great start and I can honestly say you were much further along your path than I was at 21. Like many I didn't even know what I was going to do at that age. Meeting someone special comes with time - and when you least expect it. Put a different way, why not meet someone by chance doing what you love to do anyway?

Keep doing what you're doing. My Magic 8 Ball says that your future prospects look good. ;)

[A4Effort]

Thank you ducky. These are the exact answers/questions I need in order to learn. I am only 21 and I do not need to look for someone who I will settle down with right now. I do need to take a chill pill when it comes to this subject and just focus on my own personal happiness since I am the one in control of it.

A new semester starts next week so here I come. I will focus on myself, my work, my friends, and just having a good time in college.

[amicon]

Bingo! :-)

[A4Effort]

Well, I have been thinking about this whole ordeal. I am not going to lie but I am a bit afraid of what I have to do.

I have no problem being single because I keep myself busy all the time and I always have friends around for social support. But I am afraid of not finding someone I can spend the rest of my life with. This is a dumb thought to think because I am still so young but it still runs through my head. Not to be egoistic but like some of you and others have said, I have a lot going for me. The other day my taekwondo teacher/friend told me that I am a guy with a good heart and that I have a lot of integrity. Others say that I will do great in life. I am very thankful for those comments and I try to always improve myself and learn as much as I can.

But still, for some reason I am scared of taking this step. I am scared that I will grow old and not have found the one. I know that I am solely responsible for my own happiness and so far I have made myself very happy. I am proud of every single accomplishment and step that I took. I am proud to have conquered some tough obsticles in my life. When I failed, I always got up. Never have I thought of giving up.

But in the end I will take this step because I know many of you have and clearly you all seem pretty darn happy. This is just a personal reflection and it really helps me figure myself out through writing it down.

Also, all of you reponses and encouragements really do help. I am glad that I am able to actually talk this through and ask for advice because for almost my whole life I have always bottle up all of my feelings.


Any comments regarding this post will also be greatly appreciate.

[amicon]

You are doing the right thing by not bottling your feelings up anymore.
We grow as human beings by opening up and sharing our emotions with others.

Don't worry about not meeting the right girl,you will,when you're ready.

[Something_Here]

No way are you not going to find someone. Just be patient though, there's no rush. You seem like a pretty resourceful guy, so I'm sure you'll do well for yourself. By the way, I love your whole 'I'm in charge of my own destiny' attitude, it's actually pretty inspirational.

[kctiger]

I'm a lot older than you are and I haven't found that "special" someone yet, the person I will grow old with, and believe me I'm not freaking out. Regardless of what you say to yourself, it still sounds to me like you are afraid to be single, or alone. That is all right, but it is a fear that you need to tackle. There were a lot of contradictions in your "self reflecting" post which I will not point out. Bottom line, you have a legitimate fear that you need to ensure doesn't manifest itself into anything more than a foolish afterthought. You need to stop quantifying everything you have accomplished into an open resume for why you should have found someone by now. It doesn't work that way. Just continue to tackle goals in your life and the rest will fall into place.

I too haven't figured myself out, but I am not an over analytical psychology major like you are either. All I know is that I enjoy things to the fullest and I will continue to define myself in a positive and caring manor.

In the words of the immortal Joe Dirt: "Life's a garden man, dig it!" :)

[A4Effort]

I too haven't figured myself out, but I am not an over analytical psychology major like you are either. All I know is that I enjoy things to the fullest and I will continue to define myself in a positive and caring manor.

Hahaha yeah I think that is the problem right there. I analyze everything way tooooooooooo much. Sometimes I feel like I just need to go with the flow. But I got nothing to lose by staying single and someone will come along eventually.

No way are you not gonna find someone. Just be patient though, there's no rush. You seem like a pretty resourceful guy, so I'm sure you'll do well for yourself. By the way, I love your whole 'I'm in charge of my own destiny' attitude, it's actually pretty inspirational.

Thank you. I am very big on exploring life and trying on new boots. I love trying new activities and just broadening my knowledge of the world.

[A4Effort]

Rant, don't pay any attention to it. Just... letting things out and processing...

The last two days kind of sucked emotionally. Since the original break-up I really have not given myself time to heal because I was jumping around way too much. I tried to meet so many new people, go out to tons of places, and get many girls to like me just because I felt so insecure right after the break up.

This is one of those days where you remember the good times with the ex and how much you miss her. But no worries, I am following NC and have no intentions of breaking it. But I will break it next weekend without my choice (well sort of). I signed up for this Social Justice retreat that my school is offering. I went to it last year and had an amazing time. I learned so much from others that I really wanted to go again. So I signed up and out of the 1000+ people who signed up, only ~60 made it. So here I am all excited only to find out my original ex is one of the facilitators. I really wanted to back out to keep the NC but I cannot let her control my life this way. So I decided to go through with it and will be going to this retreat next weekend.

All these girl problems have really taken a toll on me emotionally. I realize now the importance of working on oneself after a breakup. I realize the importance of being stable and happy. Throughout the last 3 days I kept on telling myself that I am solely responsible for my happiness and that I need to continue with my life.

I have been also distracting myself with my photography. I finally finished my photography website and have been putting in some hours the last few days to get it up and running. (If interested in seeing my work, let me know and I will send you a link). Also, I have been preparing my work for my second gallery opening which is coming up in a few days. I mean everything is going well and I really shouldn't have any reasons to complain. I know what I need to do and I also know that these feelings will go away. I guess just writing this down and reading it makes me realize it even more so. I cannot believe just how much of an impact one person can make on another. Love is one powerful emotion.

[amicon]

I hope the retreat goes well,no reason why it shouldn't.

You've had a couple of rough months,but I'm sure you've learnt a lot about yourself during the process.

Love surely is powerful and having loved enables us to love again.

[A4Effort]

I just don't know what has gotten into me. After work today. I stayed in all day in my room. I didn't do much of anything. I tried to distract myself but my body wouldn't allow me. I am not the one to be so secluded. Friends invited me to go out but I refused. I know this is temporary but it is so odd that this is happening. I feel like I want to cry but I am not.

The fact is that I know it will get better, I know these feelings will subside, and I will be happy soon. I just overanalzye myself way too much. Oh psychology!

[amicon]

I think we all have days like that and of course it'll pass.

Crying's a good way to relieve tension so why not cry if you feel like it?

And,yes,psychology,my degree as well,so I know where you're coming from on that one!

[A4Effort]

I think we all have days like that and of course it'll pass.

Crying's a good way to relieve tension so why not cry if you feel like it?

And,yes,psychology,my degree as well,so I know where you're coming from on that one!

In the last 5 years of my life I cried twice (when my parents divorced and when my first ex and I broke up).

It is not so much of a masculinity thing. I don't really know why I can't. I think its because I deal with my emotions in different ways.


I just want to be normal again. I do not want to have to continue in this already 60+ page thread. I want to be the old self. I have learned so much and I love it. Never have I had such understanding of life and love as I do now. It really helps me see the person I am and I am liking what I am seeing. Before the break up I thought I was all grown up and ready to be an adult. Now, I realize that I am still learning. For the most part I feel as if I am an adult. But I enjoy how I am still learning. Yes, it is through mistakes, rough times, and confusion but I love the result. I can see that no matter how how life can get (and this is nowhere near as hard as past events) I always manage to stay positive and keep my chin up.