[imculdude4u]

This may sound like a classic case of husband cheating his wife but I can certainly use some advice from you.
I have been married for 9 years. Have a 3 year old kid. For last 5 years there has been lack of intimacy between me and my wife. We both do our duties towards the family. She takes care of home and kid and has an nice active social life. I work, help her with household chores and all social life needs. But for last 5 years or so she has lost the desire in bedroom. We have had several conversations and fights but her understanding is that whatever we have is adequate and she cannot do anything more than that. I suggest that once in a month or two is not adequate enough for me and I feel disconnected from her if there is so much time lapse. All conversations would leave me unhappy and unresolved. Every time we would talk she would tell me that I am obsessed with sex and never happy with what I have. I stopped talking about intimacy altogether. By the way, where I come from we do not have sex before marriage so we don't know what each others needs or capacities are. The first 4 years of marriage intimacy was fine. But now, I got frustrated and started to see girls outside, pay them and get my physical needs met. But it further frustrated me because I started to feel like a bad and lonely person. Stopped it and turned to porn. Made me feel more and more unhappy and alone. Now, my wife continues to think that everything is hunky dory but inside I am feeling like a hole is growing bigger and bigger. I have suggested that we take some therapy or see someone who can help us with the issue but she is unwilling. I put on a happy face in front of her so that she can be happy and not troubled my trouble. She can't help me because she has no interest in it. We talked and made a plan that we would attempt to get physically close at least once in 2 weeks. I plan and arrange for a nice time, romance, everything but she would put in zero efforts. I am convinced that she has now become asexual and does not need sex. I thought maybe I am not meeting her needs in other aspects of relationship and that is why she is not interested in coming close to me. Indeed she had some things that she wanted better and I worked dilligently on making sure I meet or exceed her expectations. I believe that I am meeting her expectations. I have tried pretty much everything to bring the intimacy back but it hasn't happened. I am coming to believe that my luck is not with me in this regard. I feel like that particularaly because on every occiasion when we have planned or special occasions like honeymoon , valentines day, our anniversary, my wife has had some problem and we have not had sex. It like I am cursed. What shall I do?

[sabrewolfe]

Find someone else. Part of a marriage is making each other happy and she is being very selfish. You have tried talking to her, making changes to please her, and suggested getting counseling. As it is a husbands duty to make his wife happy and fill her needs, it is also a wife's responsibility to do the same for her husband. Your marriage is a contractual agreement which she is not fulfilling. If she won't care about you, then find someone who will. You cannot go on the rest of your life feeling this way, it will only tear you down.

[Gemini54]

I don't think that the problem in your marriage is sex. It goes deeper than that. The problem is that you don't connect and that you can't communicate.

She's not prepared to invest anything more than she already has in the marriage and she's happy to just cruise along, seemingly happy with the status quo. Your focus is on sex, thinking that it will provide you with the connection that you desire - but it won't.

If you keep pretending that you're happy, so you won't upset her, how will she ever know that it's affecting you so deeply?

I think that you need to lay your cards on the table and tell her honestly how unhappy you are at the lack of connection between you. Don't talk about sex. Talk about your desire to connect with her beyond the daily humdrum activities.

Tell her that you want to go to counseling because all the things you've done so far to connect with her don't seem to be working. Tell her you love her and that the future of your marriage depends on you BOTH making an effort. Tell her that a good marriage depends on BOTH parties contributing to each others happiness. You want it to be a good marriage and you want to feel as if you're valued and loved.

Going to counselling is your only option - there is no magic wand that can be waved to re-ignite the connection between you.

In the meantime, stop trying so hard. Back off a little and see if she will meet you half way on a day-to-day basis. Try and let go of doing things to get sex (which you don't) and just do things because you care about her. Allow her the space to care for you in return without feeling like she is under some obligation to reciprocate sexually.

[Jake2008]

I don't think that the marriage is over yet. There is a lot of good as you've said, and you have a child to consider here too. Too many positives to split because there is a sex/intimacy problem.

If she were to attend counselling, would you be willing to admit to the hookers and porn? Have you gone further than this with women on the side?

I am trying to see this from her perspective, and when your needs aren't met and you do bring it up, it results in arguing, and nothing is resolved.

You both need counselling as Gemini said. This stalemate has to be resolved. You can't negotiate a schedule for sex, demand sex, or ring up a hooker when she doesn't comply.

While you may have stopped doing these things, the fact is that you did, and I can only imagine the pressure that was on your wife before you did so.

I do hope that if she is unwilling to attend counselling, that you go yourself. If she sees that you are serious about addressing intimacy issues, maybe she will go too.

[SVImager]

Is she being satisfied during sex?
Is she getting the big "O"?
What worked 5 years ago doesn't count today... you can't do the same thing over and over again. She needs something different from the first time you met her.

You may be having sex with her, but if she is not getting the big "O" she isn't having sex.


Anyway, Cheating is not a good idea... it will only bring you pain and emptiness. Sex without Love is empty. That is why your paid sexual encounters still leaves you disconnected.

If you go too far on the sexual experiment outside of marriage... soon you will find you are too far away for your wife to catch up. That will be another set of problems.

[Cat1864]

How old are you both? Did something happen five years ago to affect her way of viewing 'intimacy'?

Do you use any form of birth control?

Does she have any health issues or is she on any medications that could be suppressing her libido?

What is your definition of 'intimacy'? Does it include showing affection like hand holding or cuddling? Does she have the impression that if she shows affection to you, you expect more?

After your paid encounters, have you been tested for sexually transmitted diseases?

What are her feelings about porn/erotica? Do you know?

[talaniman]

Make love to her mind, and the body will follow. Even if its not often, you'll appreciate the connection, and get more than just sex.

I don't think the disconnect is just physical, that's only a symptom of a greater need to be filled. Not just in the bedroom, but in the mind.

Dig deeper into her mind, and soul, and you will find some things you need to know. I guarantee it.