[Waiola]

I am 28 years old, but have an abusive father who disapproves of and has been threatening my boyfriend. My father has had anger management issues for as long as I can remember, and has been extremely controlling of my mother and me. His outbursts have typically been limited to destruction of physical property, but he has been physical with my mother in the past and has made the occasional threat of extreme physical violence.

I’ve been dating my boyfriend for 2 years and we are considering marriage, but just broke the news of our relationship to my parents last month. Because my boyfriend is a divorcée with a young child, both my parents disapprove and refuse to meet him. My father has threatened to do anything in his power to make sure we do not stay together. The severity of threats he has made make me fear for my boyfriend’s life, as well as the safety of my mother, though I cannot be sure if they are empty threats.

For the time being and just to appease his anger, I told my father that I’m no longer seeing my boyfriend (which is not true). My father has driven 2 hours to my place of work during the workday to check for himself and has no qualms about showing up unannounced. He also knows where my boyfriend works, and at this rate, both of us are constantly looking over our shoulders. We want to try to ease things in with my mother first, but fear that she will not be able to hide her knowledge about our relationship from my father. Despite the years of abuse from my dad, my mom does not consider divorce an option. Also, although my boyfriend and I feel that we can eventually get through to my mother once she sees how happy we are, we know that she would object to our relationship simply because she fears my father’s violent temper and threats.

My father has a pattern of threatening violence to get what he wants, and there is no reasoning with him. I know that as soon as he finds out that we are still seeing each other, he will initiate a physical confrontation, the outcome of which I am deeply afraid. I also fear for my mother’s safety, since she still lives with my father. Breaking up with my boyfriend is not an option I am entertaining. At the same time, I do not want to become estranged from my mother and fear for the lives and safety of everyone involved. I am at a loss as to what to do…any advice would be much appreciated. Thank you.

[Cedarln2265]

There should be a local Domestic Abuse help group in your area. You really need to call them and discuss with them your options. Usually there's a hotline number in the phone book. Good luck

[dkatia]

I have an abuse father too I talk to my mon tell my mon everything and I think she can divorse with him but she still love him ,I know if my father found out I am in love he will give me problem and I don't want more probleme in my life the probleme of abuse father it too much for me and I want to protect my Mon and my sister , I am fell sad a lot , so I am in love now I just run-away with my father and move to my boyfriend and I was don't let my father have authority with me because I am adult and I 21 years and I was have a job and do whatever I want to do . So your mon is in love with your Dad you can not do nothing betweem them you can just tell your what do you think and your Mon everything talk to her don't be lie to her .you are too young to do what do you want.

[JudyKayTee]

I have an abuse father too i talk to my mon tell my mon everything and i think she can divorse with him but she still love him ,i know if my father found out i am in love he will give me problem and i don't want more probleme in my life the probleme of abuse father it to much for me and i want to protect my Mon and my sister , i am fell sad a lot , so i am in love now i just run-away with my father and move to my boyfriend and i was don't let my father have autority with me because i am adult and i 21 years and i was have a job and do whatever i want to do . So your mon is in love with your Dad you can not do nothing betweem them you can just tell your what do you think and your Mon everything talk to her don't be lie to her .you are too young to do what do you want.

Again - on your other thread you don't live with your boyfriend. Then on another thread you do. On this thread you've moved in with your boyfriend.

Which is it?

You have posted that you are 21 and do what you want. You have advised this person, who is 28, that she is too young to do what she wants.

What?

[artlady]

Your mother and the rest of your family are not your problem and frankly neither is your father.

The problem is that you have all allowed his behavior to go on unchecked for so long.

Your mother is an adult and all you can do is support her if she decides to leave him.His reign of terror should have been stopped years ago.

The fact that he has been allowed to continue has only given him more power.

You are 28 and you need to practice some tough love.

If he has made threatening statements than you need to document them and get an order of protection.

That and your total absence in his life may be the wake up call he needs.He is a bully and he needs to be stopped.Since no one can do it within the family ,seek outside legal help.

It is not difficult to get an order of protection.

That is the only recourse I see that you have.
Perhaps if you start the ball rolling Mom will jump on board and put an end to her own living hell.

[Gemini54]

Threats of extreme physical violence are totally unacceptable and are punishable by law. I would be speaking, not with your local domestic violence center but with the police or a lawyer. If you don't stop it now when will it stop? When your mother has been beaten to a pulp? When your home is burnt to the ground? When your BF is attacked at his work place?

I agree absolutely with the idea of an Order. In Australia it is called a restraining order and it stops the person from having physical or verbal contact with you. But I would take it further and document with a solicitor/police everything that has happened.

Your father has a serious problem and it has the potential to seriously affect your physical well being. The only thing that he will understand is the full force of the law or a more serious bully beating him to a pulp.

I'm sorry but I don't see any other solution except cutting off contact from your parents for a while. I understand that you are worried about your mother, but she has made her choice. You are now an adult, with your own life to lead and are more than capable of making your own decisions - I would not be talking to any of them, including your mother about what you plan to do with your life for quite a while. Be realistic. What other choice do you have?