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 Originally Posted by Clough
I avoid underwear. You never REALLY know what's been on them. Stealing socks is just funny. You have one, but WAIT! Where did the other go? Could have sworn you put them in as a pair. |
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Female Drivers
I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver cut right in front of a pickup truck causing him to have to drive on to the shoulder.
This evidently pissed the driver off enough that he hung out his window and gave her the finger. “Man, that guy is stupid” I thought to myself. I ALWAYS smile nicely and just wave whenever a female does anything to me in traffic and here’s why: I drive 38 miles each way every day to work, that’s 76 miles. Of these, 16 each way is bumper-to-bumper; most of the bumper-to-bumper is on 8 lane highway. So if you just look at the 7 lanes I am not in, that means I pass something like one car very 40 feet per lane. That’s 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles. That works out to be 982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars. I figure I pass at least another 4000 cars on the areas not bumper-to-bumper. That brings the number to something like 36,000 cars I pass every day. Statistically, half of these are driven by females, that’s 18,000. In any given group of females 1 in 28 are having the worst day of their period. That’s 642. According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life as dissatisfying or unrewarding, that’s 449. According to the National Institutes of Health, 22% of all females have seriously considered suicide or homicide, that’s 98. 34% describe men as their biggest problem, that’s 33. According to the National Rifle Association 5% of all females carry weapons and this number is increasing. That means that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at least one female that has a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem, has seriously considered suicide or homicide, is having the worst day of her period and is armed. No matter what she does in traffic, I wouldn’t DREAM of giving her the finger |
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Phone Repair
A Kansas farm wife called the local phone company to report her telephone failed to ring when her friends called - and that on the few occasions, when it did ring, her dog always moaned right before the phone rang.
The telephone repairman proceed ed to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile lady. He climbed a telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house. The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned and The telephone began to ring. Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairm an found: 1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire with a steel chain and collar. 2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose. 3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the number was called. 4. After a couple of jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate. 5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring. Which demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by pissing and moaning. Thought you'd like to know |
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A Small Collection of jokes.
Q: How many men does it take to open a beer?
A: None. It should be opened when she brings it. ---------------------------------------- -------------------------! -- Q: Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman? A: Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you. ---------------------------------------- --------------------------- Q: Why do women have smaller feet than men? A: It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink. ---------------------------------------- --------------------------- Q: How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart? A: When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me..." ---------------------------------------- --------------------------- Q: How do you fix a woman's watch? A: You don't. There is a clock on the oven. ---------------------------------------- --------------------------- Q: If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? A: The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in. ---------------------------------------- --------------------------- Q: What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig? A: A woman who won't do what she's told. ---------------------------------------- --------------------------- I married a Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always. ---------------------------------------- --------------------------- Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%. It's called a Wedding Cake. ---------------------------------------- --------------------------- Why do men die before their wives? They want to. ---------------------------------------- --------------- ------------ Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy. ---------------------------------------- --------------------------- In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God created Man and rested. Then God created Woman. Since then, neither God nor Man has rested |
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A Beatuiful Voluptuous Woman went to a Gyno
A beautiful, voluptuous woman went to a gynecologist.
The doctor took one look at this woman and all his professionalism went out the window. He immediately told her to undress. After she had disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh. Doing so, he asked her, “Do you know what I’m doing?” “Yes,” she replied, “you’re checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities.” “That is right,” said the doctor. He then began to fondle her breasts. “Do you know what I’m doing now?” he asked. “Yes,” the woman said, “you’re checking for any lumps or breast cancer.” “Correct,” replied the shady doctor. Finally, he mounted his patient and started having sexual intercourse with her. He asked, “Do you know what I’m doing now?” “Yes,” she said. “You’re getting herpes; which is why I came here in the first place." |
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Originally Posted by Clough
I figured, if the trolls are stealing the underwear, they might as well be blamed for the socks too! I also spread a rumor around about dryer gnomes too. My friends believe it. :D Tee-hee-hee |
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The Hotel Bill
Next time you think your hotel bill is too high you might want to consider this...
Husband and wife are traveling by car from Key West to Boston After almost twenty-four hours on the road, They're too tired to Continue, and they decide to stop for a rest. They stop at a nice hotel and take a room, but they only plan to Sleep for four hours and then get back on the road. When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them A bill for $350.00. The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms Certainly aren't worth $350.00! When the clerk tells him $350.00 is the standard rate, the man insists on speaking to the Manager. The Manager appears, listens to the man, and then explains that The hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference Center that were available for the husband and wife to use. 'But we didn't use them,' the man complains. 'Well, they are here, and you could have,' Explains the Manager. He goes on to explain they could have Taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. 'The best Entertainers from New York , Hollywood and Las Vegas perform Here,' the Manager says. 'But we didn't go to any of those shows, 'complains the man again. 'Well, we have them, and you could have,' the Manager replies. No matter what amenity the Manager mentions, the man replies, 'But we didn't use it!' The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the man gives up and Agrees to pay. He writes a check and gives it to the Manager. The Manager is surprised when he looks at the check. 'But sir,' he says, this check is only made out for $50.00.' 'That's correct,' says the man. 'I charged you $300.00 for Sleeping with my wife.' 'But I didn't!' exclaims the Manager. 'Well, too bad,' the man replies. 'She was here and you could have.' |
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Pregnant Woman
> A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the
> man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another > seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The > man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out > laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested. > > The case came up in court. > > The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say > for himself. > > The man replied, 'Well your Honor, it was like this, when the > lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat > down under a sign that said, 'The Double Mint Twins are coming' and I > grinned. Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, ' Logan 's > Liniment will reduce the swelling,' and I had to smile. Then she placed > herself under a deodorant sign that said, 'William's Big Stick Did the > Trick,' and I could hardly contain myself. But, Your Honor, when She > moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, 'Goodyear Rubber > could have prevented this Accident'... I just lost it.' > > 'CASE DISMISSED! ' |
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George Bush Dies and Goes to Hell
George Bush has a heart attack and dies. He goes to Hell where the Devil is waiting for him.
"I don't know what to do," says the Devil. "You're on my list but I have no room for you. But you definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got three people here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves." George thought that sounded pretty good so he agreed. The devil opened the first room. In it was Richard Nixon and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty handed over and over and over, such was his fate in Hell. "No!" George said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and I don't think I could do that all day long." The Devil led him to the next room. In it was Tony Blair with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time. "No! I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day!" commented George. The Devil opened a third door. In it, George saw Bill Clinton lying naked on the floor with his arms staked over his head and his legs staked in spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best. Bush looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said, "Yeah, I can handle this." The Devil smiled and said, "Monica, you're free to go!" |
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