[Synnen]

Of course you're still going ot worry about her! You were with her for a long time!

Just don't let your worry for her derail how YOU are doing.

[rainedonman]

This whole thing is just so ed up, now I feel sorry for her as if I was the person in the wrong. She is in bits, and would love to come back, but cant, she says she can't as there are too many bad things she has done.

Thing is I'm not sad, I feel tall... and I love my life... I suppose this is a phase?

[Synnen]

No one can tell anyone how they are "supposed" to act in a given situation.

If you're in a good place, and you're not doing/saying things that hurt yourself or others---well, then that's the most anyone can expect from another person.

Don't look for "normal". Look for what works for you.

[1800proof]

I feel for you brother! By not chasing and allowing her to leave, she realized that the grass is not greener on the other side. You're a strong person, and if you decide in your heart that you can forgive her allow her back into your life, that is OK, too. It sounds like you're taking care of #1 (yourself), and everything else will fall into place.

Please keep this thread going... I'm going through a marriage crisis myself, and this is most helpful for me. I wish I were as strong as you...

[Alty]

I feel for you brother! by not chasing and allowing her to leave, she realized that the grass is not greener on the other side. you're a strong person, and if you decide in your heart that you can forgive her allow her back into your life, that is OK, too. It sounds like you're taking care of #1 (yourself), and everything else will fall into place.

Please keep this thread going... I'm going through a marriage crisis myself, and this is most helpful for me. I wish I were as strong as you...

Why not start your own thread about your situation, you'll get a lot of advice, a shoulder to lean on, helpful tips.

[rainedonman]

The grass is browner on the other side, on the other side she is no longer number one, she is after his kid, and his parents take his ex wife to heart as she has the grand children.

I seen it coming, and let her go, she left her kids, he left his, then they will slowly die, you can't just live without your family. Its like the flower separated from the stem, it tries, it wilts it dies... Viva la Vida... Live the Life

[rainedonman]

Well interesting she is round more now to spend time with the kids, and says that she has 'me' but the 'older' me she lost 10 years ago, that she loves me for who I am abut loves him in an uninhibited way.

No idea what that means, and no longer care, just know that I am over it and when I do meet someone, I think that's when she will know loss, strange really life...

YouTube - The Stone Roses - This Is The One

Life is for living...

[jham123]

Yeah Rain... I hear you loud and clear. Married my High School Sweetheart. She kept messing around and doing stupid things (no kids with her) after a while... I just didn't care anymore what happened to her... there was no future... I married her and things still didn't work out... where else to you go from that point?? How do you escalate things when you've already reached what is supposedly the "top" of the relationship peak?

When I detached from my Ex... I was DONE and she apparently was not... The look of shock on her face, after five years of on again off again, she just expected that we would continue with that cycle... she like the "make-up" sex... She moves out to an apt, then starts banging some dude... I could care less and I did not react like I always did... no "make up" sessions...

This confused her to no end... then she comes back to me after 8 months or so and claims that I NEED to help her... Cause she is pregnant... with some other dudes baby no less...

I showed no expression... it was her issue at that point and I was not going to "rescue" her.

This is EXACTLY what your Wife is doing to you... she wants you to "rescue" her and you are not reacting.

I can't tell you your next move... 15 years and two kids, you'll never be rid of her.

back to me... other than "Four" encounters with my Ex after she moved... I've never had to see her again. But we had no kids... and we were just kids ourselves.

I do feel good about myself for never going back to "that' again....It did take a few months....I will tell you what helped me the most during that stage....I re-arranged our house and made it "mine". I had no money to do anything drastic but just little things like re-potting plants really gave me ownership and gave me something to ground myself with....a foothold if you will.

Your resentment will only grow if you do not get distance from her and give your self time to heal....maybe then you can start to date again and see where you land.

I do like one thing you said.....You said that "You have mourned that relationship" That was strong as hell and resonated with me very strongly

[rainedonman]

Well... At home and get called by the Ex, who wants me to tals about some program that's on TV, and which actors are hot...

Now I said that she was being a bit 'silly' however she persisted and it ended with her crying her eyes out.

Something tells me that there is some sort of underlying issue/problem that perhaps needs examined.

I have the kids, and think that perhaps a part of her can't take her new life anymore.

[talaniman]

Or she is looking for a comfort zone.

[jham123]

Well... At home and get called by the Ex, who wants me to tals about some program thats on TV, and which actors are hot....

Now I said that she was being a bit 'silly' however she persisted and it ended with her crying her eyes out.

Something tells me that there is some sort of underlying issue/problem that perhaps needs examined.

I have the kids, and think that perhaps a part of her can't take her new life anymore.

You have to make a choice at this point.

1) The feelings of "relief" after she had gone... have they subsided or did you get a knot in your stomach as she was crying her eyes out? Have you made progress since she has been gone? If your answer is yes, then you should really really reconsider entertaining this woman one more minute.

Everything that you had to endure will all be for naught. All the progress you have made in becoming a healthy man will crumble once you allow her back in... you'll be going backwards and without massive... well I am not sure how she could make it up to you at this point... what would be good enough to atone for what has transpired?

2) You could take her back and try yet again to be a family. Maybe she got it out of her system. Maybe she values you again as a man and life on the streets of dating is not as glamorous as she anticipated.

You'd have to be one tough tough man to be able to take the high road here. I'd admire you if you did that is for sure. The kids may learn something and I am sure that they would like to be a whole fam once again as well.

If you take her back, remember you chose to do so. No whining afterward about this episode... so my advice would be this...

If in fact she would like to reconcile with you, Don't allow her to just drive over and unload her car full of possessions and resume her place in the house.

You are hurt and damaged. You need to be sure that this is not going to occur 3-4 months later when she has had time to recoup from the debacle she just created. You need to hear from her all the things one needs in order to believe that she is sincere... if you don't you still be resentful and angry about this whole episode.

You two should go out to eat for dinner for a few weeks and see if it is true what she says or is she interested in coming back in from the muddy cold that she created.

There is a huge difference there...

She may be very SINCERE about returning to the role of Mother and Housewife... but that is un-interesting to you at this point... What should interest you is whether she is interested in returning to being your wife...

That is the only position you have an opening for at the moment... the house is getting cleaned and the Kids are being fed...

So, no, you do not need a person to fill the role of "Mother" nor do you need a "Housekeeper"...

Any sign that she is not willing to start filling the role of "Wife"... turn your back. You've come too far and done too much to just throw it all away over her whims...

[rainedonman]

Nope she can't come back, I have noticed a new world of opportunity out there, new friends and indeed a new attitude to life itself. When I see her now all I see is the person who decided to destroy a family unit for her own benefit/happiness, and if after 19 years that's what she wanted, then that's what she has.

I have no idea as to whether a 'person' is worth all of this, my take on it all is as follows:

If I was having an affair and was found out I would apologise and stop it, explain why it happened and ask for forgiveness help. I would not go listing blame, I would not LEAVE my family.

From the OP's POV I had not been found out, therefore I would never leave my wife and child and quickly try and put an end to it.

I wold not do the 'Running Away' bit as that is simply madness.

So no she cantcome back as I think from what I have seen there is an element of mental breakdown here that I frankly don't need for me or my children.

This is thye end of this thread, its been good speaking to all of you, I have moved on... Just had to get my head in the right place, and move fast...

Rain...

:)

Some people come into our lives for a reason
And some leave footprints on your heart and sometimes soul...

Thanks everyone!!