[talaniman]

If I was guilty of something I would walk away and know that I failed the relationship, in a way, I have failed the relationship, but not in an unfix able manner.

You're a friend, and a colleague, but it was a red flag that you should pay attention to, when his reaction was the way it was, basically kicking you out, and ending the relationship.

Sure it was innocent (your so called mistake!! ) and fixable to your mind, (mine too), but I think he was harboring those feelings for a while, and will for some time to come. He is using this episode as his opening to make a major change, as a committed couple would have easily solved this glitch with a calm word and dropped it, trusting the partner to correct whatever it was. Maybe I read this wrong, so correct me, as he wasn't even there, so his knowledge is second hand, which raises another red flag to me, as his reaction was blown out of proportion, and he didn't bother getting your side of it.

He needs to stew in his own juice, and you still need somewhere to go, you and your child, and that's the saddest part to me, making an arbitrary decision that affects not just you, but all others who live with you, in such a dismissing manner.

Be logical later, handle your business now. If he is unwilling to talk... then your decision is to take care of you, and yours.

It takes you both to be willing to fix things, and for whatever reason, he is NOT!

(48 hours to leave? That's callous and cold as it gets. To many red flags waving to ignore. Sorry)

[Justwantfair]

I don't have 48 hours to leave, when he read it (2 days ago), he gave two weeks.
When we talked last night, he was less angry and stated he still wanted to end the relationship but that I had time to get things in order before I go. That we can keep things civil, but that he wasn't discussing this topic anymore, he made up his mind that he wanted to end the relationship.
Am I niave and hopeful just thinking that this is still too fresh for him.
He can still spout off what I wrote line for line.

[amicon]

You're a wise lady and you ve posted loads of great advice here-if this were my post what would your response be? I'm sorry this has happened to you and as usual there s no magic wand-but I don't think he s going to change his mind in the near future and after a period would you want him to?

[talaniman]

He gave two weeks.

That's ridicules. Even the law gives 30 days.

Am I naïve and hopeful just thinking that this is still too fresh for him.

Not naïve, in shock over his reaction maybe. I would be too.

[makapuu]

In my relationship, I am the insecure one. Therefore, I can understand why your boyfriend would give you a two week notice after he finds out you've flirted with someone else.
I've left my boyfriend several times over his "friendships" with his ex's, but we've always managed to get back together because I know that he doesn't love them like he loves me.

I stand by my original assessment that "commitment phobia" is temporary. It only lasts for as long as you are with the wrong person.

[Justwantfair]

I stand by my original assessment that "commitment phobia" is temporary. It only lasts for as long as you are with the wrong person.

So after five and a half years, that would definitely make me the wrong person. :o

[talaniman]

Or it makes him the wrong person for you.

[makapuu]

Or it makes him the wrong person for you.

Exactly! Finding the wrong partner is easy. The right person takes time. Many people would rather stay with the wrong partner than risk being alone.

It is my opinion that when two people truly love each other, they will do whatever it takes to keep the relationship together. There have been times when I've been so mad at my boyfriend that I've moved out of his apartment on the spot, but I'm always back within the week with all my stuff. So now, we just give each other space after an argument/misunderstanding, because we would rather be mad at each other but still together, than to be mad at each other and apart.

[12th House]

Justwantfair, this is my first post to this forum. I found this site while researching the reason I feel the way that I do about my own personal relationship.

I am going through a similar situation to yours. I feel and empathize with your situation. How are things going now?

I am at my wits end...

[amicon]

12th house please post your story for more specific advice.
Thanks.

[12th House]

12th house please post your story for more specific advice.
Thanks.

Hi amicon, thanks for your response. I am not ready to post my dirty laundry as of yet. Since my situation resembles Justwantfair so much, I was actually concerned about her and asked her how she was doing.

I am concerned simply because I understand and empathize with the situation. It seems as if she is living the same scenario as I am. Therefore, it wasn't actually a comment but more so a status check from a concerned individual (which probably isn't my place as of yet), but I was hoping that she is OK and not beating herself up emotionally and spiritually.

Thank you,

12th House

[amicon]

No problems welcome back when you are.

[Justwantfair]

Good Morning 12th House,

I am doing okay, I am not sure which piece of the puzzle you empathize with, but I am finding the commitment phobic person to be more and more common. Healthy relationships, one goal oriented and one stagnent party.

I would love to help and talk about your story, this is the most wonderfully supportive forum for discussing situations, I hope that soon you decide to share with us.

It also helps me to hear about other situations.

To update the most recent problem, my partner apologized about how he handled this situation, it meant a lot. Now I am just working on rebuilding the trust that I destroyed.

[12th House]

Thanks Justwantfair, I sympathize with your situation in a lot of ways. I've been with my partner for 4 years, I have two children as well (18 & 17 yrs old). I am also divorced, for a great many years.

And yes, my partner is commitment phobe and has been for a very long time. My partner is hot and cold with me (changes daily). One minute he dreams of kids and marriage and the other he wants out of our relationship, ignores my needs and lacks the ability in making my feelings a priority. He insists that he loves me but his actions say differently. I am fed up and I would rather stop now than commit myself to another 4 years of the same.

I'm glad that you are doing better and I hope that upward swing is sustainable.

p.s. don't want to highjack your thread :P so kept it brief as possible :D

[Justwantfair]

You will get the most help by starting your own thread, when you are ready. When you do, be sure to let me know.

I completely have been through this for going on six years next April. Some I don't even put out here because while I have tried to be understanding and accepting, I don't understand but accept this situation. I think I had all sorts of warning signs to get out of this relationship sooner, but the relationship itself is very healthy and functioning. With the exception of the occasional disagreement, that while this time was an exception, typically disagreements are handled with utmost respect of the other person and care for their feelings. He is in fact my best friend, but this is a difficult side to be on, especially when you try every direction, the talking directly about the situation and the avoiding talking about it to remove the pressure.

We have now watched everyone get married around us. Our friends talk about it all the time because they think we are great together. When he told me about his sister getting engaged, he knew and I couldn't control crying for nearly an hour following the news. I make excuses for his inability to commitment but I myself don't even understand it.

[amicon]

I'm happy for you that the recent upheaval s being sorted out. As regards the commitment issue what s his point of view?
What are his ideas and feelings about marriage?

[12th House]

Justwantfair;
You will get the most help by starting your own thread, when you are ready. When you do, be sure to let me know.

I completely have been through this for going on six years next April. Some I don't even put out here because while I have tried to be understanding and accepting, I don't understand but accept this situation. I think I had all sorts of warning signs to get out of this relationship sooner, but the relationship itself is very healthy and functioning.

With the exception of the occasional disagreement, that while this time was an exception, typically disagreements are handled with utmost respect of the other person and care for their feelings. He is in fact my best friend, but this is a difficult side to be on, especially when you try every direction, the talking directly about the situation and the avoiding talking about it to remove the pressure.

I will definetely let you know :) when I post my situation. *get ready though... its looong LOL!*

In reading your posts (in regards how you betrayed his "trust"). It seems to me that there is a shift of responsibility and while yes, you have taken ownership of "betrayal," the shift of responsibility has been put on you to fix the situation in your relationship. In other words you now have to try harder to demonstrate to him that you worthy of his commitment. But in all reality, haven't you been doing that for 6 years?

I'm pretty sure you stated in your earlier threads that he wants children, etc. (Forgive me if I'm wrong, but this is something I'm pretty sure I read in one of the 18 pages of this thread! LOL!)

I question this because marriage and children are a lifetime commitment. At your age, if you were to take all the necessary steps to become fertile with the grand prize of ultimately becoming pregnant, and the average time it takes to raise children that are self sufficient is about 20 - 25 years, then that will make you appr. 55 - 60 years old by the time you are done raising the child you conceived together. That pretty much sums up that you are making a lifetime commitment to your relationship and yes, him.

Therefore, if he is unwilling to give you a lifetime commitment, how can you continue to hope that this man will come to his senses in time for you to take on the arduous task of continuing in a relationship where there is no solid show of commitment to you?

[Justwantfair]

What are his ideas and feelings about marriage?

According to him, as of two months ago, he is just not ready to get married.

That is a 34 year old man, with a house, a stable job, a family that supports us, friends that would like to see us married and two children that think of him as a father figure.

My son this summer at his sister's wedding caught the garter belt and handed it to my partner and told him now he did not have any excuses for not marrying his mother. :(

[Justwantfair]

Therefore, if he is unwilling to give you a lifetime commitment, how can you continue to hope that this man will come to his senses in time for you to take on the arduous task of continuing in a relationship where there is no solid show of commitment to you?

I agree 100%, I have wasted six years devoted to someone who hasn't given me the respect in return.

While I own my mistake, I am not doing anything other than assuring that when I talk to men it's respectable of our relationship. If the shoe was on the other foot, I would have been hurt with him talking to another female the way I had talked to another man. Outside of that, it's the only consideration, as I haven't ever been anything except devoted to him.

I know things are civil and calm, but I don't know what our future holds. Right now would disrupt the children's lives to move and because of my custody battle, I am not financially on my feet. Next spring will bring a true evaluation of our future.

But I have given all I am capable of.

[12th House]

I understand you and I truly wish the best for you are yours. I think you're a rad chick! LOL! I know this cause I am too :)

The love and devotion of a woman is a gift that is limitless and indefinite of our physical body. Only when the comfort of our warmth is lost does one come to realize that they did not appreciate the gift and have left the ultimate and grandest prize of all slip through their fingers.

I'm sorry to hear about what happened with your son. I can relate to that too. It must have hurt you deeply to see that your son understands and sees right through you and your pain more than you expected him to. I remember once upon a time when my children were younger my son wrote a letter to Santa and in that letter he asked Santa to send me someone that I can love (I get all misty when I think of that). I've been a single mom my entire adult life, I've been to the circus and I've seen the clowns (ha! Jerry mcguire) and one thing I have come to realize is that people will only go so far as you allow them to.

In other words, women train men on how they are to be treated. It starts from the moment we begin friendships, if we allow others to give us scraps then that is all we are entitled to because we ultimately have demonstrated to them that that is all we are worth and all we demand.

We have reduced our own self worth in exchange for a few crumbs of hallucinated temporary happiness and inclusion in the heart of someone else. Everything that he has stable job, home, etc. you can get on your own (in due time). Don't short change yourself. The family that supports you is the family you are raising, it is through their young eyes that they will learn what the love of a woman is worth. I know this because I am raising men, I am the anchor of our family that demonstrates to them the value, tenderness and devotion a woman deserves.

When it comes time to re-evaluate don't short change yourself, you are demonstrating to them how OK it is to accept emotional scraps.

Have you ever read "Think like a lady, Act like a man" (Steve Harvey)? If not, pick up a copy ($13) and read it. You'll understand why...