[Cat1864]

I do think I need to give more time, but what I don't know is how much and why should I keep being punished. I have admitted to my mistake, asked for forgiveness. I'm not saying I'm sorry anymore.

How long are you going to keep punishing yourself by staying?

[may162009]

How long are you going to keep punishing yourself by staying?

Are you a man or a woman?

[Justwantfair]

Are you a man or a woman?

How will the answer to this change your response?

[asking]

You husband sounds like a jerk. But there's no need for the drama to continue. He might like that, but what are you getting out of it?

Start a new and better life.

[may162009]

How will the answer to this change your response?

It won't. But it seems as though men who have had an affair get off easy because the woman/wives are more foregiving and willing to work it out. Whereas men who have been cheated on are so stubburn and not willing. Which shoe do you wear.

[Justwantfair]

It won't. But it seems as though men who have had an affair get off easy because the woman/wives are more foregiving and willing to work it out. Whereas men who have been cheated on are so stubburn and not willing. Which shoe do you wear.

A generalization about the sexes isn't accurate.
If you want to be able to forgive yourself and not continue to have your indiscretion used against you, then you will find your way out of this relationship.
I believe that there is a strong possibility that you can not face your reality without another man to take your husbands place, but the facts are unchanged.

You aren't happy (or there would not have been an affair).
Your husband has not forgiven you (or he wouldn't have said he needs a threesome to be even).
Your husband is deluted enough to believe that he can even the score.
You are deluted enough to believe that your husband should be allowed to even the score.
You are only willing to stay in your marriage because you no longer have an affair to leave for.

There are not any reasons to work out this marriage from the feelings you have listed.

[may162009]

A generalization about the sexes isn't accurate.
If you want to be able to forgive yourself and not continue to have your indiscretion used against you, then you will find your way out of this relationship.
I believe that there is a strong possibility that you can not face your reality without another man to take your husbands place, but the facts are unchanged.

You aren't happy (or there would not have been an affair).
Your husband has not forgiven you (or he wouldn't have said he needs a threesome to be even).
Your husband is deluted enough to believe that he can even the score.
You are deluted enough to believe that your husband should be allowed to even the score.
You are only willing to stay in your marriage because you no longer have an affair to leave for.

There are not any reasons to work out this marriage from the feelings you have listed.

You are right about so many things. I just know couples that the man has had an affair and the they get a second chance without as much backlash. Of course I don't live with them. Right?
Funny I wouldn't be leaving my husband for another man now, I don't have one waiting for me. The man I had an affair with is married (25 years) and still with his wife and working it out. We never planned to leave our spouses for each other and run away together.

Is there a time frame? Some people have said they gave 5 more years and still got divorced. I won't do that, I'll be 50. I don't want to get into a committed relationship, I won't marry again. Didn't tell this group of chatters this is my 2nd already.

[Justwantfair]

It probably makes your situation harder because you see your ex-affair able to work out the relationship with his 'forgiving' wife, but you are right about not seeing behind those walls and probably not getting the best information.

Affairs leave behind major battle wounds for both parties, but it takes two people recommitted to the relationship to see a light at the end of the tunnel. You can not do this alone and from the sounds of it, your husband isn't at a point where he can face this. He is just looking for his payback because the wound is so fresh.

You can't turn back the hands of time, but you need to appropriately assess your relationship and the likelihood that there is a light at the end of your tunnel. I don't see one, but you are closer than I am.

The hardest thing to hear is the truth as others see your relationship. There isn't emotional dust to settle on our perspectives, we see the damage, hurt and see a likelihood of a benefit for the difficult effort of rebuilding relationships. Your husband has to be on the same page and I don't see that. Counseling was of no value when you were hiding a crucial piece of information from the counselor.

[may162009]

It probably makes your situation harder because you see your ex-affair able to work out the relationship with his 'forgiving' wife, but you are right about not seeing behind those walls and probably not getting the best information.

Affairs leave behind major battle wounds for both parties, but it takes two people recommitted to the relationship to see a light at the end of the tunnel. You can not do this alone and from the sounds of it, your husband isn't at a point where he can face this. He is just looking for his payback because the wound is so fresh.

You can't turn back the hands of time, but you need to appropriately assess your relationship and the likelihood that there is a light at the end of your tunnel. I don't see one, but you are closer than I am.

The hardest thing to hear is the truth as others see your relationship. There isn't emotional dust to settle on our perspectives, we see the damage, hurt and see a likelihood of a benefit for the difficult effort of rebuilding relationships. Your husband has to be on the same page and I don't see that. Counseling was of no value when you were hiding a crucial piece of information from the counselor.

Thank you for your honesty. Talk more later.

[smoothy]

There are guys as well as women who can put something aside and move ahead... there are others who can't get past an incident. Man or woman.. if one partner can't get past something and isn't willing to even try, then it's a lost cause. I does take BOTH parties to try to mend what was broken.

[may162009]

there are guys as well as women who can put something asside and move ahead...there are others who can't get past an incident. Man or woman..if one partner can't get past something and isn't willing to even try, then its a lost cause. I does take both parties to try to mend what was broken.

Amen

[Cat1864]

May, let me try saying it this way:

You both need space to find a way to work it out if that is what you both want.

The best advice that I can give you (and this is what I would have said before you had an affair) if you can't communicate with your husband and you are being verbally and emotionally abused, then at the very least you need to separate. I am not saying that you have to get divorced. However, you need time and space to decide if the price you are paying for staying in the relationship is worth what you are getting out of it.

Try this, "I can get along without you. When you calm down and want to talk, I will be at the marriage counselor's office. Until then we need time and space to decide what the next step is."

You need to work on the self-esteem that he seems to be trying to emotionally and verbally beat out of you. As long as you stay in the same house as he is, it is just going to get worse.

Staying in that type of atmosphere is punishing yourself.

[may162009]

may, let me try saying it this way:

You both need space to find a way to work it out if that is what you both want.

The best advice that I can give you (and this is what I would have said before you had an affair) if you can't communicate with your husband and you are being verbally and emotionally abused, then at the very least you need to separate. I am not saying that you have to get divorced. However, you need time and space to decide if the price you are paying for staying in the relationship is worth what you are getting out of it.

Try this, "I can get along without you. When you calm down and want to talk, I will be at the marriage counselor's office. Until then we need time and space to decide what the next step is."

You need to work on the self-esteem that he seems to be trying to emotionally and verbally beat out of you. As long as you stay in the same house as he is, it is just going to get worse.

Staying in that type of atmosphere is punishing yourself.

I was actually all set to move out 8/15/09 w/my daughter to a townhome. Mondy down and the whole bit. When he kept saying he didn't want me to go but didn't want me to stay either. He needs time and space. So I let it go and stayed. Then he tells me after I let it go that if I had moved out that would have been it. What does that mean really.
The outbursts of his pain and anger have gotten better but yet the silence is obnoxious. We are separated within the same house, me moved into the lower bedroom about 3 months ago. I don't like it. He's a car guy, so I'ved used the statement, "you can't fix or maintain the car if its not in the garage". But he won't come back to our bedroom,yet.
I don't want a divorce yet, I do love him, but its getting harder every day.

[Cat1864]

I don't want a divorce yet, I do love him, but its getting harder every day.

May, as we have said, he is still angry. There is no quick fix. No set time limit. No forgive by date.

The only thing that might help is communication and counseling. Neither of those two things seem to exist at this time in your relationship.

You are only hurting each other and your daughter. Does he even think about what all of this is doing your (as in the plural) daughter?

You can try communicating again without anger, hurt, yelling, etc. Listening to each other and attempting to move forward together.

You can try existing the way you are with separate lives under one roof and wait for him to forgive you. That may take decades. I have seen it happen before.

You can accept that staying isn't working and actually move out knowing that it may or may not be permanent, but giving you both time to come to terms with starting a new chapter in your lives.

No matter where you go from here, you need to work on you. Do you have a life outside of work and the house? Some type of hobby that makes you feel good?

[jmjoseph]

Did you talk to him about trying to make it work, and go to counseling BEFORE you had an affair?

Everything you've told us is negative about him. I know he has his faults, but did HE have sex with someone else?

If I missed something I'm sorry.