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Alty · Aug 23, 2009, 01:16 PM

Tal you made me giggle. I do remember the good old days, when we first started.

I remember wondering how we were going to afford junk for our junk drawer. You know, tape, string, twist ties, elastic bands. Everyone has a junk drawer, but it takes time to put in the "essentials" and I was so worried about it. Looking back, I can't believe I was that obsessed with a junk drawer. Now I have too much junk, in fact, I have two drawers. Still can't find tape when I need it, but I could run elastic bands around my house twice. ;)

The first years are hard, but working together, living within budget, doing without the things you don't need, it brings you closer together.

When we started we had my parents old couch, the springs were shot, if you sat in it the wrong way you may lose the ability to have children later on in life. It was ugly as sin, but functional... ish. We had that couch for the first 3 years of our marriage. When we finally got a new one I was thrilled. It meant so much more because we had to wait for it, work for it.

So many things we did without. We didn't have a TV for the first 3 years either, then, after we got one, we didn't have cable. I thought that TV and cable was a necessity, but when you're without it you realize that it's not at all important. In fact, I miss those days, we talked more back then, not just during commercials. :)

The thing is, we worked together, we continue to work together. Even after 14 years of marriage every day is still a work in progress. Combining two lives, two very different people, learning to listen to each other, talk to each other, exist with each other, it's a learning process, a continuous one.

You don't give up every time there's trouble, you figure out a way to survive, together. That's marriage. :)

jenniepepsi · Aug 23, 2009, 01:17 PM

Originally Posted by talaniman

What a thread, and does it ever remind me of the good old days (being bah-roke). It ain't easy, but the one thing you can control, is your attitude, and since you take trazadone, which I did for a while, I'm sure you have to follow the prescription as its an anti-depressant that has to build up in the body to be effective.

This will help you stay calm, and have better reactions, and you can see where your over reacting and that does no one any good. Staying calm does, so take your meds and keep working toward a better day. It will happen, its just hard to see right now. Tell hubby to stretch his cigarettes out and shave with soap and water like the rest of us hairy slobs until he can afford shaving cream.

Make him a lunch for work, thats what we had to do, and keep pressing on.

Honestly, most young couples are supposed to struggle in the early years (as you are in), so they can have something to look back on and laugh about. Its all in how you deal with it, and only you can control your attitude.

His cigarettes should be in his budget, and when he runs out, tough. Been there, done that. (stilling doing it too, Hmmmm!)

The others have been giving you some great advice, so deal with your situation with the right attitude. You can do this, I know you can, as we all started with nothing, too!

No I don't take trazadone for depression, I take it occasionally for sleep.

HelpinHere · Aug 23, 2009, 02:50 PM

Sorry if I've missed this anywhere (don't think it was mentioned yet) but, Jennie, have you tried Craigslist?

craigslist: phoenix classifieds for jobs, apartments, personals, for sale, services, community, and events
(Craigslist for your city)

Post your qualifications to babysit or whatever under Services AND Resumes, and look under Jobs also.

A little tip: If they don't say their company name in their ad for a job available, it is spam.

Also, if you have anything of any value laying around the house, Craigslist is a good way to sell it. I just sold two metal trashcans that I never used (came with the house) for $5. Got them out of my way, and got me a little pocket change. (Yeah, $5 isn't much, but in your situation everything counts, even that 12c)

88sunflower · Aug 23, 2009, 06:01 PM

By the way everyone is saying how they struggled in the start of it. Well I have been with my husband since 1991. We moved in together in '92, married in '96. Not yet have we been able to buy our own new furniture. Ever. Couch and loveseat are from his brother, recliner from my mom, kitchen table set from his mother. My sons bed is the one I had as a kid. Living life is hard. Some make it, some just get by, and some struggle. Just be happy to have a wonderful husband who can provide, a beautiful daughter and family to go to when you need it. The reason I have a computer today is because my mom let me use her credit card to buy it. No other reason. Look to the bright side and smile that you have someone and together your making a family.

jenniepepsi · Aug 24, 2009, 08:16 PM

Hello everyone.

After much thought and prayer (sorry, don't mean to offend anyone but I am christian and that's what I do :p)
And talking and praying with my aunt, who is also a strong christian, we talked for a long time.
And I am going to take her advice.

I gave issac his debit card. I gave him a written list of our bills, and showed him how to use quicken, and showed him how to use the budget feature on quicken.
He is now in charge of EVERYTHING.

I am incharge of buying grocerys with our food stamps, taking care of our home and daughter, and I will be getting a job as soon as I find one (which is beginning to get on my nerves lol) and in which case, once I have a job, my money will be deposited into our account and he will be responsible for all of our bills.

Either we lose everything, or he learns how to do it... thats the way its got to be or this marriage won't work ever. He has got to understand that it was not easy for me (a comment he had made this morning was 'how hard could it be to get bills paid) nor was it making it any easier for me when he was spending nearly 50$ each month in junk food.

I will be praying for him, that god takes him down the correct path in taking care of his family... (again, not trying to be offensive, its just me and my own beliefs)

So... those of you who do, please pray for us. And those who don't, keep your fingers crossed.

Hopefully this will take away some of the tension in our marriage... at least it will take away from his complaint 'i never see any of MY money that I work for'

Thanks for all the support everyone. Yes, even the harsh slaps in the face ;)

JoeCanada76 · Aug 24, 2009, 08:32 PM

Maybe actually working on the budget together as a couple would be a better idea. Need to learn how to work together and do things together as a couple. Especially budgeting. Although myself personally tend to do most of it, I sometimes wonder if we would be better off if we did it together as a couple.

Of course, my prayers are with you but trying to put that all on his shoulders to see if he fails or not. Then that gives you an excuse to get out of the marriage if he does not succeed. I do not think that is fair either.

So I am just being honest and giving my own opinion and thoughts on this. Yes, I believe in prayer and I do believe that God works in each of us a plan. We all have things to learn in life but it is much better if you learn them together as a couple.

Goodnight..
Joe

88sunflower · Aug 25, 2009, 06:29 AM

I agree with Jesushelper. Don't set him up to fail so you can find reasons to leave or to nag. This is a good start though for him to see first hand where the money comes from and where it goes. This is something he will learn with trial and error. If you do lose everything, then start over as a couple. Don't hold it against him for something he failed at. Stand by him and help him and give suggestions. But don't tell him what to do or point fingers. He will need to learn this in his own way.

Best wishes Jeni. There are a lot of us pulling for you.

jenniepepsi · Aug 25, 2009, 07:15 AM

I never said that if he failed I would leave him...

I'm going to help him. I told him that if he had questions I'm here for him. But the responsibility of getting it done is his responsibility. I'm not just handing it over and saying good luck. I will tell him HOW to do things, and if he need me to, WHEN things need done. We went through all that last night.

We have tried doing it togetehr before (maybe I didn't say that before, I've been saying a lot to a lot of people)

Every time we have sat down together and talked about it together and did the bills together he simply differs to me, tells me to do what I think is best, still spends money we don't have, and then still blames me for not having any extra money.

This is the only thing we haven't tried before. We have tried us doing it together, we have tried me doing it and keeping him informed, we have tried me doing it and simply telling him we don't have money, we have tried EVERYTHING that people have suggested, I have thought of, and HE has thought of. This is the ONLY thing we haven't tried yet.

*hugs* thanks everyone

JoeCanada76 · Aug 25, 2009, 07:20 AM

Quote " That is the way its gotta to be or this marriage wont work " These are your own words Jennie.

So yes, you pretty much said if it does not work out then the marriage is over. No more excuses Jennie.

No matter how many times you try, you have to keep trying. Marriage is more then just giving up and yes you might not have tried this. I hope it works. Your determined to do it this way.

Good luck. Best wishes again with your tough love. As Sunflower has said you know what, If you guys do lose everything. Then rebuilt everything Together as a couple.

What was your previous signature??

I am out.

Justwantfair · Aug 25, 2009, 08:32 AM

I would remove the note about the signature, I don't think that makes it less offensive, in fact now it just draws more attention to your previous signature.

talaniman · Aug 25, 2009, 08:59 AM

I think letting him have the responsibility of paying the bills is a very good idea, because fail or not, he will learn something he needs to know. Hey if you have nothing, what can you lose.

Just make sure you step back, but support him as a good wife should.

Confession- I learned my lesson very well, and I suspect so will he.

artlady · Aug 25, 2009, 09:03 AM

Jennie ,where I live they are always looking for home aides.
The training is paid and they try to work with you to send you to places that you can travel to on a bus.

They also work within your schedule,so that would be good for your daughter.
You can work as little or as much as you need.

Basically,you do some personal care,bathing and such and light grocery shopping and housecleaning and perhaps make a light meal and do laundry.

I know there is a large elderly population in Arizona so they may have a substantial need for aides.

Just a thought.

You can also use your training to work in a nursing home or residential facility for the disabled.

jenniepepsi · Aug 25, 2009, 09:43 AM

That's what I think tal, whether he does it, or fails trying, he will learn something from it. If nothing else he will learn WHY we have no extra money for him to be spending freely.

That's an excellent idea arty I will look into it. I volunteered at the school this morning, and found out from the lady who organizes the volunteers that SOME positions are paid. The cafeteria isn't hiring right now, but there are office jobs that may be hiring, and janitor jobs, and classroom aides (not teachers aids, as that requires a degree) that are paid. Granted they aren't paid much. But its some. So I will be talking to the lady who handles all of that this afternoon after school (she isn't there early in the mornings)

bettybranch · Aug 27, 2009, 08:42 AM

You can do bad by yourself. In fact, you might find that you will do better without him. Do you have a job? If not, then get one or go back to school if you have not finished. A working mom in school qualifies for so much financial assistance... furthermore you may qualify for foodstamps and other social services without him. A friend of mine had a similar situation to yours. Her husband wanted to live a lavish lifestyle in a house they could not afford and refused to sell. He wanted extravagant trips, parties, and clubbing, but they couldn't afford groceries and their bills even though they worked everyday. She left him-took her kids and moved to a 1 bedroom apartment. Everyone thought she was crazy-3 kids in a 1 bedroom apartment. She scaled her lifestyle back and lived that way for over a year until she had enough money to buy a small home for herself. I'm an advocate of marriage, but if he's a looser that is unwilling to change and not bringing in enough money to make an impact in the family budget you can do fine on your own. Have the courage to become empowered to do it by yourself. His child support payments will help you. Your daughter will respect you for it one day.;)

One more thought on this.. regarding your daughter. I'm a mom too-have a five year old. I understand the thought of moving her is difficult, however young children are amazing at adjusting and recovering. Better to do it now than wait until she's older. Older children have a more difficult time and do not adjust a quickly. Young kids make friends easy.. bigger kids have more difficulty in leaving old friends behind. You got to think long term.

B

jmjoseph · Aug 27, 2009, 08:56 AM

Originally Posted by bettybranch

You can do bad by yourself. In fact, you might find that you will do better without him. Do you have a job? If not, then get one or go back to school if you have not finished. A working mom in school qualifies for soo much financial assistance...furthermore you may qualify for foodstamps and other social services without him. A friend of mine had a similar situation to yours. Her husband wanted to live a lavish lifestyle in a house they could not afford and refused to sell. He wanted extravagant trips, parties, and clubbing, but they couldn't afford groceries and their bills even though they worked everyday. She left him-took her kids and moved to a 1 bedroom apartment. Everyone thought she was crazy-3 kids in a 1 bedroom apartment. She scaled her lifestyle back and lived that way for over a year until she had enough money to buy a small home for herself. I'm an advocate of marriage, but if he's a looser that is unwilling to change and not bringing in enough money to make an impact in the family budget you can do fine on your own. Have the courage to become empowered to do it by yourself. His child support payments will help you. Your daughter will respect you for it one day.;)

This guy is NOT a "looser", he is mentally retarded. He does the best he can, and should be commended, not left out in the cold. Please read the entire history of a post before making accusations.

bettybranch · Aug 27, 2009, 01:29 PM

Originally Posted by jmjoseph

This guy is NOT a "looser", he is mentally retarded. He does the best he can, and should be commended, not left out in the cold. Please read the entire history of a post before making accusations.

First of all, this is my first day ever using this site. I responded to what I was able to see. If he is mentally retarded he should be commended; however that does not change her situation. She appears to be struggling with a person that does not bring value to the relationship. Instead it appears that he brings stress. It's not cool to have to live in debt and ask others for assistance all the time. If she wants to continue in her marriage with him, then they both need to make some sacrifices and some changes.

nikosmom · Aug 27, 2009, 01:45 PM

Originally Posted by bettybranch

First of all, this is my first day ever using this site. I responded to what I was able to see. If he is mentally retarded he should be commended; however that does not change her situation. She appears to be struggling with a person that does not bring value to the relationship. Instead it appears that he brings stress. It's not cool to have to live in debt and ask others for assistance all the time. If she wants to continue in her marriage with him, then they both need to make some sacrifices and some changes.

The posts are there for you to read, just take the time. You will have a more complete view of what is going on rather than only what's on this last page and jumping in and calling him a "looser". If you go back and read the whole thread, you will see that he does bring value to the relationship if for no other reason than being a willing partner. This person is here asking for help in making her marriage work because she doesn't want to leave him if they can work through this and she needs guidance on how to do it; something more substantial than essentially saying "Leave him".

Justwantfair · Aug 27, 2009, 01:47 PM

Originally Posted by bettybranch

First of all, this is my first day ever using this site. I responded to what I was able to see. If he is mentally retarded he should be commended; however that does not change her situation. She appears to be struggling with a person that does not bring value to the relationship. Instead it appears that he brings stress. It's not cool to have to live in debt and ask others for assistance all the time. If she wants to continue in her marriage with him, then they both need to make some sacrifices and some changes.

You should probably read the complete post before you respond.
It does change her situation. She married and was aware of the additional challenges that she could face in marriage. She stepped up to the challenge when she said 'I do'. There isn't anything really to indicate that her husband isn't trying with her. He just isn't understanding that he is busting his hump, she is at home and he can't even get shaving cream without permission.

Her husband is also not Ayla's father, so she can't receive child support from him. By the way, Jennie, why are you not receiving from Ayla's father. You should also be pursuing that.

What is he 'looser' than? You call someone a loser and it is you who can't even spell it?

Alty · Aug 27, 2009, 01:52 PM

Originally Posted by bettybranch

First of all, this is my first day ever using this site. I responded to what I was able to see. If he is mentally retarded he should be commended; however that does not change her situation. She appears to be struggling with a person that does not bring value to the relationship. Instead it appears that he brings stress. It's not cool to have to live in debt and ask others for assistance all the time. If she wants to continue in her marriage with him, then they both need to make some sacrifices and some changes.

The previous posts are there for a reason. It's never a good idea to go to a thread with many responses and just pass over them.

The responses tell the whole story, it's important to read them, that way you don't say something someone else has already said and you don't make hurtful comments either.

Calling someone a loser when he's doing his best to support his family, not cool.

He is the only working member of his household, he brings in very little and doesn't really ask for a lot. If an occasional meal at McDonalds makes someone a loser, then sign me up.

jenniepepsi · Aug 27, 2009, 03:07 PM

Thanks for the support everyone. I wasn't entirely sure what to say to 'bettybranch'

Justy, her biological father has a court order to pay 158 a month for child support, and he did for a few years into her life, but stopped completely. From what I understand, they don't know where he is. *grr* I don't know where he is, but I know from his myspace that he has a new girlfriend who he is getting married to (or has already married) so, if she is working, and he is not, that would explain why his wages aren't being garnished anymore. Very frustrating.