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Tando, be strong, let her be, let her go to her rebound guy, 90% of rebounds fail. Find your happiness, show you can live without her, I told my ex to forget I ever existed, I did NC for 5 months now, I made the mistake to see some pictures on Facebook of her friends birthday cause some of her friends are still on my list. This brought me back to 2 months of healing which I have regret. So do not go in the past anymore, move forward. If they think the grass is greener with someone else, let them go see for themselves, sooner than later it will fade away... Remember that what 2 people had together is a unique experience and they will not find that easily with another partner. Show you can be happy, confident, strong self-esteem, that's the best revenge you can have, being all this without her. Good luck brother, I am going through the same thing... |
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Hey my friends, I had a couple of rough days again... but yesterday was okay. I am trying again to concentrate on myself, my duties, my life and my healing. It will take a long time from here, but time (as you all say) will do its good work eventually... if I allow it to :-). Yesterday a very good friend of mine (somehow my mentor in life), who is talking a lot to me to assist me exiting my deep stage of depression and who I respect very much, told me that she was not unhappy for the relationship to break since she believed I made myself small there in comparison and she strongly believed that neither of us would've been happy eternally. Her words struck me and through her, I am trying to change my perspective, become more positive and leave it all behind... Many many steps to take from here, but this may be the first and the most important one. We'll see. Tomorrow morning I will drop off the last few things at her house (only in a plastic bag) and then it is over and done... just need to get rid of all the pictures in my family home which I am visiting on Friday and then I want to try and heal. Go really NC i.e. not talking about her with friends and trying to cut her out of my thoughts and life slowly. I was not able to do so by now and it will be hard still... at least I manage to avoid direct contact with her so far and this is a good thing. I long for it, but (at least today being a bit clear) I see no point again... I humiliated myself badly and I may have destroyed her still somehow positive picture of me after the break-up but these are things I do not want to worry no more. We disconnected ourselves from each other and this is it... Will drop her a last, very last few words with the stuff and then try to let go... slowly... very slowly... One thing about NC... it is said, that there is absolutely no contact i.e. no emails, messages etc. Now, it is her birthday on September, 21st. Although a lot of $hit has been going down the road, I still would like to congratulate her since I still do appreciate her as a person. Do you think a short e-mail here would pull me back again badly?! I consider this a deed of respect for her... All right... a new day has started and I am trying to be more active today and get some stuff done... Thank you guys... Really... |
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I think you know the answer to that. I once sent a birthday card to an ex, way back in the day, and when I didn't even get a thank you, boy was I PO'd for a while. Even if she does say "thank you", it will still stir up emotional feelings again. Until you have dealt with your feelings now, or at least have learned how, between now, and then, any contact will set your healing process back, even something as innocent as a birthday greeting. I advise against that. Respect, or not. This is about YOUR healing. |
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Hey guys, Thank you for all your good advice. The worst part of all is that, as you said Tal, I do know what to do but I cannot motivate myself. I am lethargic, in negative thoughts all day long, beating myself up about all the things I should've done different and wonder why I couldn't. I'm too critical with myself and am lost in my maze of thoughts, guilt and depression. I cannot accept my failure, I cannot accept what happened. I cannot forgive myself for messing up so badly. I am stuck... really badly... I am suffering from major inner misery and distress - not knowing who I am, why I am, what I am, how I reacted to so many things in the way I did and why. Questioning every single part of my personality, putting it on a scale and usually weighing it badly. Hardly get out of my room into the real existing world... My world revolved around my ex and yet, I was never capable of looking after my world properly. I tried to love her with everything I have but it wasn't good enough. She said it right the last time: "You are not the right man for me." It hurt me badly... and I thought about it and realised that I would not be the right man for any woman since I am so unbalanced and out of touch with reality and myself - it is not funny anymore!! I am stuck and don't know my personal way out. I do not know how to protect myself emotionally, how to make myself feel happiness with myself, how to let go of all the crap I did. I am so freaking disappointed in myself and I keep disappointing myself over and over again. I lost self-respect... ... I am struggling with life - or at least what I consider life to be... I look around me and see all the people managing somehow and then there is me... wasting away... ... and this is killing me from the inside... I am fighting with myself... and I am losing over and over again... "One's quality can really be seen under suffering situation or pressure. So, processes are as important as results to shape up oneself to the better." Reading the above proverb, I disillusioned myself again. If my quality is seen under suffering situation like the one I am in right now, then I am so incredibly weak... and that also is because I make myself weak... I do not allow myself to be empowered and continue life with myself and detach from other people who mean the world to me... my world revolves around her still and I am only a bystander... I sometimes can't feel myself at all... ... I am so freaking lost... so freaking lost... so freaking lost... |
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Hey Tando,
I came across your thread, and you and I are in pretty similar situations - I'm about 2 months ahead of you though. Let me tell you - it's a CONSTANT battle. Every day is a completely different emotion - I can be on top of the world one day, and one small reminder of my ex pops up and the next day I'm in a terrible mood. Just remember it's normal to be like this - slowly (and I mean really slowly) things start to become normal again. I've been doing NC for 20 days now, and it was easy at first and as the days go along, it was getting a little hard, but I think it will only get harder before it becomes easier. Unfortunately I have to run into my ex tonight for the first time in 20 days, but I'm going to try to just keep my distance. I'm not mad at him - I just know that nothing good will come of me talking to him, or lingering around him. I'm still going through the same thing where you think if you talk to them it will make a world of difference in how much you hurt. I've realized though, that he isn't in the same place as I am emotionally. He moved on before even telling me we were breaking up, so he isn't going to be much help to me - and he won't be able to understand what I'm going through if I talk to him - nor will he care. I constantly think - he used to care, we didn't break up for any bad reason - why shouldn't he care now - well he does care, but not the same way - and there really is nothing he can say to me that will make me feel better. If he says something nice - I will get my hopes up then be crushed - if he says something mean I'll be crushed. So take my advice, and just stay away - maybe in a year or something when all of the dust has settled will you be able to have a conversation, but right now - you hurt way more than she does - its in your best interest to take care of yourself and think of yourself only. Her thoughts and feelings aren't your priority right now. Just work on becoming confident in yourself and your abilities again. This takes time, but it's the best way to get back on your feet. We are all loveable human beings - it takes time to find the right person. Think about it, if it was easy to find love, or to break up with someone - why would there be sooooo many songs on the radio about love? Its hard for a reason - but we will all learn from our own mistakes, and move on. :) Oh also, just take care of yourself - eat well - invite friends over - go for walks - find a new hobby - learn to cook - go to the gym - make new friends - just keep busy and time will fly by and all of a sudden you won't worry so much about her anymore. Limit the amount of time you think about her each day, so it doesn't become an obsession. |
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Bella, Thank you very much for your response. Once again it is good to hear from someone who is in a similar position and to receive all the good input. I am willing to move on (clear head) but my heart, tummy and messed-up head (thoughts of guilt especially) are giving me so much trouble... Your last sentence also struck me... it is an obsession already and I need to make sure to let go of that obsession and stop being addicted to her. Worst thing is... I know everything but cannot act... I tried and tried and will try again... but my will is not strong enough yet... not yet... |
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Hi Tando, I am also in a similar situation, what helped me to don't obsess about it anymore is talking about it with other women and they all said I should have ended it a long time ago... Another thing that helped is a site about sign compatibility. It was written that my sign virgo is not compatible with Gemini. She was a very difficult gemini who always wanted to be spoiled and entertained, so it was like having a 2nd job. Find all the negative stuff you had to endure about her. Check out this site and put your sign and her sign and see what it says. Zodiac Sign Compatibility Don't feel anymore guilt, they are the ones that left us... |
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Hey there, I am Sagittarius and she is Virgo... headline of compatibility: Two signs that CAN heal each other! (With exclemation mark!) "A very interesting, exciting but risky combination" Both of us are very much like the Zodiac signs. And that is how I feel, as well. She tried healing me and I tried as well, but we tried the wrong way... or another personality test I made was saying, that my "immature" me is tiring the other part out. And I did, not even realising what is happening... was so stuck in my thoughts, my world, my eyes on the partnership so that I wasn't able to look at reality and realise her pain and all the $hit that is going wrong. She is a wonderful person and has a wonderful personality. I know she has her mistakes, but the main issues were with me and we were not compatible in our time. I'd say: "With my current knowledge and her support, we'd be able to make it together..." But I reckon this is something most of the breakees are saying. Maybe there would've been another chance down the road of life IF I'd have reacted differently to this break-up and carry me with much more pride, acceptance and not allowing to almost drown in sorrow and depression but go on with my life - even without her. I presented myself just the way she expected me to and I validated her picture of me big time... and even humiliated myself by meeting her again and showing that she was/is right... ... is there a more stupid way to manipulate myself and really cut the last strings?! I did E V E R Y T H I N G, literally E V E R Y T H I N G to completely mess up the situation and I don't understand myself and why I did that. It had to end in a break-up, there was no way around by the way it went along and I know that. But I also know that only two or three minor changes on my side would've been able to either turn the tables or at least make it a cleaner break-up. It was time for her to let me lose and move on since I was not right for her... it is hard to know that there was a true chance that I was not capable of holding on to... ... seriously... ... she fought for me so badly throughout the partnership... stood up for me in her family... tried everything possible to get through to me... openly told me what is on her mind and what is bothering her... and me, moron, wasn't able to react to it, sometimes not even able to understand what she is talking about... I avoided every conflict possible... because I can't deal with it... I never could and I need to learn... I need to learn to interact with other people properly, to allow emotional attachement from my side and allow another person into myself, my thoughts, my feelings, my dreams and be more open to other ideas, discuss the differences and grow together... In the end I did everything wrong that I could have to make it a proper, prosperous, healthy and lasting relationship... This one is on me!! And it hurts so much to know that I destroyed and spoilt my chance with an amazing woman by simply being myself... ... and everybody is telling me... great that you realise and great that you know... but it is time to accpet it, move on and make it better the next time... ... and I know all of them are right... ... I know it but acting accordingly is so difficult for me... ... my mind and head has arrived long time ago, but my will is weak, my heart is captured and my spirit has vanished... ... sometimes I feel that I gave up on myself... and that is a major turn-down... |
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Hey, Don't blame this all on yourself. It takes 2 people to make a relationship work, and I'm sure there are things that she could have don as well. Its natural to blame yourself and forget to see the things that the other person did wrong - its natural to wonder what you could have done better. I do it constantly. You can't change what you did or what she did, so its best to just leave it in the past. Also, you have her up on this high pedestal. I think its time you start knocking her down a few pegs in your mind. There must have been things you didn't like about her or that irritated you about her. Write them down on a piece of paper and look at it frequently. No one is the "perfect person". I have a hard time with this myself because I keep thinking that my ex was sooo great, and no one will compare. But honestly, he was incredibly selfish - he may have been good looking but that's not enough to keep a relationship together. I'm having a hard time myself today because I just found out that my ex is already in a relationship with another girl - and its only been 4 months. It hurts because I feel like I was so easily replaced, but not much I can do besides just think about all of the negative things about him that now the new girl has to deal with. Sucks but its time for me to move on. This set me back a few weeks of emotional healing, but I'm determined to just move on. That's the best revenge - moving on - being happy with yourself and your life. Keep at it - its hard not to obsess - I'm guilty of obsessing over my ex way too often, but I'm trying to keep myself occupied. Keep trying. |
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Yea this is pretty tough for me - not going to lie. I really want to just start over with a clean slate - just move on - I'm going to make it happen. I haven't been able to convince myself to delete him as a friend or block him, but I did block her so at least her pics and posts and stuff on Facebook won't pop up. I'm also going to stay away from Facebook for a few months. Now I just have to try not to run into the 2 of them out. Its so hard to believe that he is going out with another girl - theya re having fun together while I'm just miserable. I don't want to be, and I'm going to try hard not to think about them. I still just want to cry - I'm so good at giving advice - and I know what I SHOULD do - its just so hard to get your heart to start believing it too. Its hard not to obsess over someone. But he isn't mine anymore - its done - time to move on. So much easier said than done. :( |
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 Originally Posted by bella99
I agree 100% with Bella, we are blaming ourself forgetting all the $hit we endured with them. Because love makes us blind, we think we are the problem and we blame ourself for the breakup. It was'nt entirely our fault. And your right about looks, you can't stay with someone just because they are good looking. If they have a bad attitude and they know it but use their looks to control you, that is just evil. There is nothing worse then dating someone who is selfish because all the things you do for them, is like they don't even notice or don't care. I felt whatever I did for her it was never enough. All she cared was about her happiness, not our relationship. I think if she really cared she would have sticked by your side to make the relationship work not bail out. Do not blame yourself, guilt is just torturing yourself for nothing. Take her off that pedestal and see the reality of things, she didn't care that much, especially if they found someone else right after... We will find someone better more compatible with us. I know it's hard to believe this right now, but one day it will happen. If it takes more time to find someone else, it's OK, it's not a competition to who finds a replacement first. Chances are our ex is dating a rebound, so it won't last long. |
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