Check out some similar questions!

vanheart · Aug 10, 2009, 08:09 PM

"I was so consumed with making the relationship work especially since it was long distance (which requires A LOT of work) that I ignored my own life."

This says it all.
I did the same thing.
And look what happened.

Now, turn it around and work on yourself and getting rid of this BS.

She wanted greener pastures. Now its time to find yours. And time is what it will take.

And to answer your question. There's girls everywhere. We all want to be liked, attracted to and have fun. The important thing first is to not bring this into a rebound.

Work on knowing you YOU really are.

laxman526 · Aug 10, 2009, 08:21 PM

You're absolutely right, van. Its just getting the energy and motivation to put the pieces together and make sh*t happen, that's frustrating. Its hard to deal with things when you feel so crappy. I did my part, she didn't. Get over it. <sigh>

Yea, a rebound would be a big mistake. I've had opportunities to date girls lately and I've had to tell them that I just can't do it right now. My head is elsewhere. I don't believe in leading people on. I usually know within the first couple weeks to a month whether I want someone. I guess women can hold out longer and make that decision. LOL! But it does feel good to still have that game, but I'm definitely not ready to date. But to meet new friends, I'm always up for that, and if something happens, it happens. Thanks again for the swift kick in the caboose.

Gemini54 · Aug 10, 2009, 08:25 PM

Originally Posted by laxman526

Here we go for a second time. For some reason my lengthy post didn't get posted. So frustrating....

Anyways, well, I'm pretty bored and felt like venting out some emotions. Tomorrow marks 4 weeks of NC. This has been a personal goal of mine and I achieved it, yet I feel about as lonely as I did a few weeks ago. Today was a tough day. Most likely b/c I was hungover. Yesterday my roomie and I decided to go to the pool and then got wild hairs up our you know whats and went to the same bar we were at Friday night. We had a BLAST and met all kinds of cute girls. Got some girl's number. Her and her friend asked us to go up the street to another pub, but we played it cool and said we'd call em this week. So we're gonna try to meet up this weekend. We shall see.......

I think I have probably been drinking too much during this past month. It all seems like such a blur. I know its really bad, but it does help numb the pain, but I know that it is temporary. Anyone have any ideas on how to meet single ladies with out having to drink all the time or go to bars? I'm curious....

But I guess the reason for this post is the fact that it has been 4 weeks (tomorrow). I'm just really sad that I lost a g/f and a great friend (for those that haven't been following we were friends for 4 years). It sucks to high heaven that we were so close and then in a flash, it's gone. This past month has sucked really bad with finances, my car, etc. I have a decent job, but I have grown increasingly unhappy. I'm thinking about seeking other opportunities, but the economy sucks. Everyone is at a standstill. I think this breakup has surfaced some underlying issues with myself and reality is smacking me in the face. I was so consumed with making the relationship work especially since it was long distance (which requires A LOT of work) that I ignored my own life. It could be a blessing in disguise, but right now I don't see it that way. I told myself I would never get hurt like my other ex did to me, and now here I am again, in this same situation. Uggh....When it rains it pours. Now I don't have that person to confide in when I am not feeling my best and it feels really sh*tty. This sucks. I miss her......

Well, I just want to say thank you to whomever reads this. Any advice or encouragement is definitely welcome. :) I've also found that helping others has been a great way for me to move on. So if there's anything I can offer anyone, I'd be happy to help. Stay strong everyone, we'll get through this!!!

I really feel for you. Part of the problem with situations like this is that you NEVER get to know what was in the other person's mind, what they were feeling, what their motivation was for the break up.

We always feel betrayed for the love we gave them, the effort we made, the energy we expended in maintaining the relationship. Then bam! In a flash of smoke they are gone. It isn't fair, and it's not right - but that's just how it is.

What's difficult is that it's still only 4 weeks. You're still grieving and will probably do so for some time to come. You can keep going to the gym, meeting cute chicks and downing a few beers but you can't avoid the process of mourning for someone and something that you cared about. Time is the greatest healer - corny, but absolutely true.

Yes you feel hurt, but that also means you are human. Feeling hurt won't kill you and it shows you have emotions and feelings, and that you're able to love. Would you want to be a cold, hard automaton? I'm sure you wouldn't.

Feel proud of the fact that you were able to give freely and generously of yourself, feel proud of the fact that you loved someone, feel proud of the fact that you're healing.

Love is a rare and wonderful thing - when the time is right, don't be afraid to do it again.

I thought that you might appreciate this extract from a poem written by Alfred Lord Tennyson in 1850:

I hold it true, whate'er befall;
I feel it, when I sorrow most;
'Tis better to have loved and lost
Than never to have loved at all.

vanheart · Aug 10, 2009, 08:35 PM

So true.
Sometimes without sorrow, there is no enlightenment. Let that sorrow breed goodness in yourself, even though that sorrow is painful and unexpected.

Project yourself into the future. Who are you? What do you see?

Thinking that has helped me.

Lessons are only learned if we have the strength and volition to accept.

laxman526 · Aug 10, 2009, 08:55 PM

Thanks y'all. Actually I love that quote. That quote actually convinced me to take a chance on this relationship to begin with. No joke. :)

Van--I guess I don't know where I'll be and I have to work on that and find that in time. Right now I just see myself sort of as a shell of my former self. But working out and hanging out with friends is slowly working. I just need to get my sh*t together and suck it up and fix the problems that are looming at the moment. My roommate and my cousins have been the biggest help and are always there for me. I'm also disappointed that my mom only responded via text to what was going on and hasn't reached out to me (this will have to be a diff. post, lol). We don't have a solid relationship but that has nothing to do with this. I just feel disappointed with women all around. I give and give and try to help, but I always end up shattered. But I AM learning something out of this. Believe me on that. I just need to learn how to approach things differently and love myself first. I guess I'm always the "fixer" in a relationship and that is probably annoying to the other person. I also tend to date strong minded, independent women (like my mom, go figure. Sigmund Freud is a genius, LOL) and I seem to always date them during an unstable period of their lives. It's just timing that kills me? Who knows? But enough excuses... I need to MOVE ON!

Gemini--thank you so much for your kind words. They really did put a smile on my face. I am trying my darnedest to heal and who knows, maybe in a couple weeks things will just start to flow again, and XXXXXXXXX will be a fleeting memory. Only time will tell, right?

vanheart · Aug 10, 2009, 09:06 PM

I am glad that your friends are there for you.
Don't worry if your Mom is, she may not have the skills.
My mom never really did either & that's OK.

But you have the skills. Use 'em and hone them.

Don't disregard women in general for that or you being the constant "fixer" That's a cop out. Ive said the same things.

Maybe think about that and why you always feel that way. Who's unstable?

"Fix" yourself if that's the case, and yes keep the flow going

laxman526 · Aug 10, 2009, 09:25 PM

Van, I get the impression that you and I are a lot alike. What are you doing to pass the time and to heal? How are you doing? Certainly your pain must be more than mine as you were in a relationship that was 5 years, so I can't imagine your loss.

vanheart · Aug 10, 2009, 09:54 PM

Ive been working really hard to get over this.
NC without question.

Doing for myself, working out, biking, beach, reading, having social times and mostly some serous self reflection and trying to dig deep into who I am. I write notes down, even simple ones. Then new notes. Every day. But that's me.

Its been frustrating, and enlightening. Ups and downs. I even posted here myself tonight cause I was feeling so angry about something I heard.

Im not through the door yet, but getting close.

I was actually thinking in between our posts, that denial is so destructive.
This breakup made me realize that so much.

Over a month ago, I thought about every single person that has ever been in my life and how I interacted. Both good and bad.

A good start for understanding the "fixer" need. We tend to ignore our lifelong influences.

Sometimes, as together as we think we are, we are in total neglect.

Look at it this way, nows your time to get aware. I know its early and for me, after a month, I was still in the dumps. But made a decision to myself to be steadfast and use the pain.

I hope you do the same. This is an episode, and a hurtful one right now. There is a future, and that is what you make of it, regardless of her or anyone else.

After all it is your life. Not hers.

laxman526 · Aug 10, 2009, 10:08 PM

After all it is your life. Not hers.

Wow. Those words are very powerful and thank you for that.

I recall reading a post where you mentioned some books you were reading. I can't remember (I've read a ton of posts, lol) which one. I'm not much of a reader, but lately I haven't minded it. Is there a book that perhaps you could recommend? Perhaps something that helps with self-confidence? I have struggled with this my entire life. Not sure where it stems from. But I am absolutely certain this is the reason that I have relationship issues. I don't really think I acted too needy in this particular relationship and I've handled this break up as best as I think I could have (not desperate, begging, etc.), but I can say though that I think I may have spooked her at one point. I took a risk, and just like poker, you go all-in, you're not always going to flop your top pair. Life is a gamble...

Going to bed now. Long day again tomorrow, but I will read your threads to gain further insight. Thanks again for the continued support.

vanheart · Aug 10, 2009, 10:20 PM

Yup, giving your heart is a gamble. We just need to be self aware and the risk becomes more of a perfect hand. We just need to read our self and our partners at the table.

Self confidence? Yup.

Here's a good book, not a self help one, but one that I take to heart:
Harold and Maude

Amazon.com: Harold and Maude (9780380003853): Colin Higgins: Books

laxman526 · Aug 13, 2009, 08:19 PM

So... life is REALLY giving me a test. I totaled my car after work yesterday. I only have liability insurance. GO FIGURE... <sigh>

As if I couldn't be kicked while I'm down anymore... But thankfully I have family and friends that are helping me through this, but the anxiety of everything seemed to double today. Friends on here and in my personal life have been great though!

But you know the one positive of all of this NEGATIVE SH*T?! I am forced to focus on MY crap now more than ever, and now my ex is nothing but a pissing memory. I've realized she could care less about me at a time like this anyway, so what's the point? I don't want to be with someone like her anyway. She's too self indulged in her own crappy life living at home at 25 (no offense to anyone out there) after being independent in NYC. Screw you! HAHAHAHAHA!! Feels good...

Lots of work left in ME! Big day tomorrow, have to drive to Alabama to look at a car, have a half day at work tomorrow. WISH ME LUCK!! There may be a light at the end of this tunnel after all, even though I have to go into debt with a car loan to get there! ;)

vanheart · Aug 13, 2009, 09:00 PM

Sorry to hear.

Things tend to snowball when your focused on negative BS.

BTW thanks for the post on my thread.

Sounds to me like you know the facts & are moving forward with them.
Just truly believe them & stick to it.

You may be way further than me, if so, rock on buddy.

No denial. Just NC. And yourself.

Sounds like your car is more important than her. Nice one. KILLER!!

amicon · Aug 13, 2009, 09:07 PM

Good luck with new wheels-a symbol for your new way of travelling through life!and I'm sure you ll meet someone who s not an emotional incompetent sooner rather than later.

laxman526 · Aug 13, 2009, 09:13 PM

Well, I think your situation is a bit more complicated. You dated yours longer than I even knew mine. She has been coming in and out of my life throughout the past 4 years. Looking back now, I'm not surprised at her actions, esp. from what her friends have told me anyway, unfortunately. She's a flake. Freaks out very easily. I was her longest relationship at 6 months, and it really wasn't a "real" same town relationship. I took my chances, thought she grew up, but she only regressed. <sigh> what can you do?

I still think I'll have my up and down moments. I did have those moments today, because I relapsed and looked at her FB page last night. I accidentally skimmed through my updates and saw that she created an event. She's in the music biz. It wasn't even a big deal, but I had that sick feeling that she'd moved on, even though it was work related. I think the only reason I was upset was it stirred up history. She really didn't change much on her page since we were dating. But I know now NOT to look AGAIN!! But it was a minor step back, and I think I can move forward from here.

If there's anything that I want out of this bullsh$t, is to be smarter, more confident, and be able to help people that are dealing with the same crap. You and everyone else here has helped me tremendously. Thanks for that.

vanheart · Aug 13, 2009, 09:15 PM

New wheels for sure.

I'm not worried about that. I learned my lesson.

laxman526 · Aug 13, 2009, 09:16 PM

Originally Posted by amicon

good luck with new wheels-a symbol for your new way of travelling through life!and I m sure you ll meet someone who s not an emotional incompetent sooner rather than later.

Thanks amicon!! I am also starting to feel like this could be a wake up call to FOCUS ON ME!! There's no other choice, right? I'm forced to now. I have to look for another job to pay for the car payments, but I'm not upset! I WANT TO BE BUSY, so I don't have to dwell on this crap! I'll keep everyone posted!

vanheart · Aug 13, 2009, 09:19 PM

Don't look her up.

She's already moved on. That's what hard to swallow whether 6mo. Or 5 years.

For me now is the rejection and habit. Got to gid rid of that.

Sounds like you already have those words. Not follow them throgh w/ your actions and self-understanding of who you are. That's a big part of this recovery stuff. REALLY knowing.

Starry nights · Aug 14, 2009, 12:47 AM

Originally Posted by laxman526

Well, I think your situation is a bit more complicated. You dated yours longer than I even knew mine. She has been coming in and out of my life throughout the past 4 years. Looking back now, I'm not surprised at her actions, esp. from what her friends have told me anyways, unfortunately. She's a flake. Freaks out very easily. I was her longest relationship at 6 months, and it really wasn't a "real" same town relationship. I took my chances, thought she grew up, but she only regressed. <sigh> what can you do?

I still think I'll have my up and down moments. I did have those moments today, because I relapsed and looked at her FB page last night. I accidentally skimmed through my updates and saw that she created an event. She's in the music biz. It wasn't even a big deal, but I had that sick feeling that she'd moved on, even though it was work related. I think the only reason I was upset was it stirred up history. She really didn't change much on her page since we were dating. But I know now NOT to look AGAIN!!!! But it was a minor step back, and I think I can move forward from here.

If there's anything that I want out of this bullsh$t, is to be smarter, more confident, and be able to help people that are dealing with the same crap. You and everyone else here has helped me tremendously. Thanks for that.

Laxman526,you sound like a very matured,life-loving person who's just been unfortunate to see a side to life that you weren't expecting and actually didn't know had to go through.

Its more frustrating when you don't see it coming,don't know why it happened and what you are supposed to do with all the memories and the dreams.

You actually feel like life's ended and there's nothing ahead that can quite give you the hope and joy you once had.

In times like these,you do what's being told to you in form of advice,suggestions,posts on forums like these.You also do what you believe is good for you and try to heal and become strong again.

The crux is,you are thrown crap you didn't expect,then you are supposed to get out of it stronger and wiser for more crap that life will dish out in future:)LOL!

I hope I don't sound bleak as I say all this but the point is,at the end of the day,everything most certainly has a reason or purpose behind it and who knows one day maybe we get the real meaning behind all of it too.

So the idea is to just keep going,like you are doing,keep growing,keep believing that things will change,because they do eventually.One of my favourite one-liners is from Forrest Gump(I keep quoting from that movie since its got some beautiful messages to offer):Life's a box of chocolates,you never know what to expect.

As we get the brickbats,so do we get the bouquets too.As there's sadness and tears and partings,so are there happiness and joy and new beginnings.

Keep healing and recovering as you need to keep yourself prepared for all the good stuff too:)

All the best.

laxman526 · Aug 14, 2009, 07:15 AM

Thanks Starry! I'm just taking it one day at a time. I think another thing bothering me, which will pass, is that when she was going through all of her own drama when we were together, I was her go-to guy for anything that she needed to vent: losing her job, roommate problems, money problems, moving, etc. It just sucks to know that now I'm going through so much, and she could care less. Where's my go-to person for support? You know what I mean? I guess I'm just very disapointed and hurt. Its hard when you've given so much to someone that you cared about. But I am moving on as hard as it is and trying to meet people and trying to stay positive. It's definitely is a work in progress.

Starry nights · Aug 15, 2009, 12:38 AM

Originally Posted by laxman526

Thanks Starry! I'm just taking it one day at a time. I think another thing bothering me, which will pass, is that when she was going through all of her own drama when we were together, I was her go-to guy for anything that she needed to vent: losing her job, roommate problems, money problems, moving, etc. It just sucks to know that now I'm going through so much, and she could care less. Where's my go-to person for support? You know what I mean? I guess I'm just very disapointed and hurt. Its hard when you've given so much to someone that you cared about. But I am moving on as hard as it is and trying to meet people and trying to stay positive. It's definitely is a work in progress.

Look around Laxman and find new go-to persons,am sure you just need to reach out and find those people who can become your support system.Else,you always have your best friend with you 24x7 365 days--YOU.Look deep within,all the answers you ever want to find are present there.

Sounds deep but sometimes when our backs are against the wall and somehow even our best of friends and most caring family members fail to understand our pain and hurt,its only ourselves we got.Just take a very deep breath and shift your focus in talking to your innermost self.You know,when I am really down in the dumps ,I try having these chats with myself.Ask myself what's bugging me,what's making me so sad,in short have it off my chest.

(If I feel like crying a bit,I do that too LOL! ).Then I ask myself what would make me feel better.It could be anything like calling up a friend,going out for a movie,reading a book,listening to some music,go window shopping,gobbling some of my favourite ice-cream,the list is endless.Sometimes I just sleep it off.

My point is Laxman,before I learnt this art of looking within and trying to sort things out within myself,I used to rely too much on external factors and people to make me happy or lift my spirits,provide me with encouragement.I used to find out that more often than not,instead of feeling refreshed or happy,sometimes that used to work against me because maybe a friend I called up when upset could not give me the time or the words I wanted to hear.People on this forum have taught me to focus on myself,something I have started making a habit of cos end of the day that's the only thing in my control.And only I have the sole power to change things for myself.

Whew--this turned out to be a looooooong post but I really wanted to get this "look within" thing across to you simply cos if we manage to do it well,its all we need to lead life.Just an example,I am not well for the past few days,there's too much work at the office to settle,too many phone-calls and conference calls(on top of a very sore throat),then there's this best friend of mine who got married recently,which stirred some uncomfortable thoughts in mind(I won't really go deep into this just that when your closest pal gets married,it makes you realise your support system is depleting,people become busy with their own lives post marriage etc,and then one thing leads to another and you feel like you're the one out of your gang who'll probably end up an old maid)--so the list,in short,is endless:):)Out of old habit,I was looking for someone to vent,something to perk me up,tell me not to worry,everything's going to be fine.All that mush.

Then last evening the house was empty and I was all by myself.It was pouring outside and things were as bleak as could be.Then I reminded myself that I was the only person who could make myself feel better.I did all the things I love doing,read a book,watched reruns of my fav shows on TV,just let go.And end of it,found that I managed and coped well.Without anybody's help.That isn't no mean feat,what say?

Of course,your situation is completely different than mine and I don't want to even compare.But,all this ranting is just to make you feel that you have yourself you can go to anytime you feel let down by the world.Of course we are here to help you as best as we can but trust me,when you feel sad and depressed and the memories hurt too much,always remember,YOU are the only one who can change that.Only you.