[taoplr]

thank you all for the inspiration and approval. Means a bunch.
Although i might be having second thoughts at times, i made up my mind. If she chooses the bad road, then so be it. But only when that is 100% certain can i quit.

That's a clear, courageous decision. You might declare it to her as a commitment that you will be there unless she tells you it's over, which she could do by choosing her habit over you.As I rote earlier, it will be hard for her to put you first, but there's a chance.

She does see me as some sort of authority and i can see the resentment in her eyes. Mostly due to my controlling behaviors which only became evident now. I will try my best to just enjoy the ride. Overall this is something i have not been able to do in a while. Just go with the flow so to speak.

This raises an important point. If you are to be a force for sobriety, you will need to set boundaries (limits) regarding acceptable behavior (how you treat each other), nights out clubbing (Yer not 18 no more, dude) amounts of drugs (your goal is near zero; hers has no shape yet), and consistently reinforce them. She will repeatedly test those boundaries and see you as both a pain in the butt for holding to them (the authorities) and a source of stability, comfort, and safety for being reliable with them. (a beacon)

At the same time,"going with the flow," which you state is not your greatest skill, is necessary. To lead the two of you toward addiction's exit door, you need to join with her first, mentally and emotionally, and then move yourself toward the door. You have already been doing both of those: joining with her and planning your separation from substance abuse. To the degree that she is attuned to you, she will follow. You will walk a fine line between pacing (moving in synch with her) and leading (changing the pattern). If you lose her, or when she relapses (not "if") your first action must be to go back to pacing. You can't pull her out of the pattern she is in by yanking on her from above, from some superior position, but you can move shoulder-to-shoulder as a gentle leader-follower pair. If she also makes the commitment, there will be times in which she might lead.

What i am trying to get her to understand is that it is not the drug itself that bothers me, but more the following days after use where i come 2nd to her next high, the mood swings and the constant tiredness when coming down.

Sorry to hear this Fuzzy. funny you should say that you thought about not loving her anymore. I feel like that sometimes, until we have a huge fight then i realize i still do. :/

She is starting to realize and admit there is a problem which is a good thing. People change as they grow, so although it might be wrong of me to expect change, at least i am hoping for positive changes in lifestyle. I do not expect her to stop clubbing at all. That would just be wrong. But surely i can look forward to the day where we are both sober.

I told her last night i am stopping pot and everything. Will lead by example as suggested. Damn its hard growing up. Can hardly look after myself and now i tackle this. And just for the record, our communication is actually picking up. We are talking more openly than ever before which gives me comfort for what the future holds.

I compromised a lot this weekend. We actually went out Friday Saturday and Sunday. Can really do with sleep. I think it should become easier with time to enjoy her activities almost as much as i enjoy the quietness of the bush veld.

To traverse this terrain, you will need rest and nourishment. Some of that can come from a few of my favorite authors:

This blogger is a close friend of mine. Greg and I grew up together. We think alike:

Brodsky’s Better Being Blog

and

senseofbalance2002

If you are tense when you drive: tccdriving

This will tell you about love:

Amazon.com: A General Theory of Love (9780375709227): Thomas Lewis, Fari Amini, Richard Lannon: Books


Any book by this author will save you hundreds of hours spent in unnecessary anguish:

Amazon.com: Byron Katie: Books, Biography, Blog, Audiobooks, Kindle


You might be chronologically too young for this next book, but it will help you address what you are dealing with:

Amazon.com: Finding Meaning in the Second Half of Life: How to Finally, Really Grow Up (9781592402076): James Hollis: Books


Both of you will benefit from Tolle's perspective:

Amazon.com: A New Earth: Awakening to Your Life's Purpose (Oprah's Book Club, Selection 61) (9780452289963): Eckhart Tolle: Books


The generosity of your heart will be reflected in this great book:

Amazon.com: The Gift: Imagination and the Erotic Life of Property (9780099273226): Lewis Hyde: Books

That's a lot to think about. You will need it and more. Yes, growing up is hard work. The alternative is a living hell in which your body matures, but your mind stays in the past, never finding the truth of your existence, never "getting it." Fortunately, you don't have to do that.

tao

[fuzzychin]

thank you all for the inspiration and approval. Means a bunch.
Although i might be having second thoughts at times, i made up my mind. If she chooses the bad road, then so be it. But only when that is 100% certain can i quit.

She does see me as some sort of authority and i can see the resentment in her eyes. Mostly due to my controlling behaviors which only became evident now. I will try my best to just enjoy the ride. Overall this is something i have not been able to do in a while. Just go with the flow so to speak.

What i am trying to get her to understand is that it is not the drug itself that bothers me, but more the following days after use where i come 2nd to her next high, the mood swings and the constant tiredness when coming down.

Sorry to hear this Fuzzy. funny you should say that you thought about not loving her anymore. I feel like that sometimes, until we have a huge fight then i realize i still do. :/

She is starting to realize and admit there is a problem which is a good thing. People change as they grow, so although it might be wrong of me to expect change, at least i am hoping for positive changes in lifestyle. I do not expect her to stop clubbing at all. That would just be wrong. But surely i can look forward to the day where we are both sober.

I told her last night i am stopping pot and everything. Will lead by example as suggested. Damn its hard growing up. Can hardly look after myself and now i tackle this. And just for the record, our communication is actually picking up. We are talking more openly than ever before which gives me comfort for what the future holds.

I compromised a lot this weekend. We actually went out Friday Saturday and Sunday. Can really do with sleep. I think it should become easier with time to enjoy her activities almost as much as i enjoy the quietness of the bush veld.

Hi LJDK, I'm so glad you've realised you still do! I didn't realise, which led to our breakup in the end. I'm really glad she's beginning to realise there's a problem. The important thing for you to do is to keep that problem in perspective, and in reasonable, manageable chunks in her mind. Be ready for her to flip out and become miserable because of how upset she's made you. Of course it may never happen, but it did to me. Just so you know. If she sees the full extent of the problem straight away, she may shy away and believe there is no solution but to leave you and stop causing you harm. Remind her why that's the worst thing if it ever happens.
Sorry that's quite long, and involves more of my experiences than yours. But, hopefully it'll help. Of course she may well see the whole problem and deal with it instantly - all people are different.
All the best.

[fuzzychin]

To traverse this terrain, you will need rest and nourishment. Some of that can come from a few of my favorite authors:

This blogger is a close friend of mine. Greg and I grew up together. We think alike:

Brodsky’s Better Being Blog

and

senseofbalance2002

If you are tense when you drive: tccdriving

This will tell you about love:

Amazon.com: A General Theory of Love (9780375709227): Thomas Lewis, Fari Amini, Richard Lannon: Books


Any book by this author will save you hundreds of hours spent in unnecessary anguish:

Amazon.com: Byron Katie: Books, Biography, Blog, Audiobooks, Kindle


You might be chronologically too young for this next book, but it will help you address what you are dealing with:

Amazon.com: Finding Meaning in the Second Half of Life: How to Finally, Really Grow Up (9781592402076): James Hollis: Books


Both of you will benefit from Tolle's perspective:

Amazon.com: A New Earth: Awakening to Your Life's Purpose (Oprah's Book Club, Selection 61) (9780452289963): Eckhart Tolle: Books


The generosity of your heart will be reflected in this great book:

Amazon.com: The Gift: Imagination and the Erotic Life of Property (9780099273226): Lewis Hyde: Books

That's a lot to think about. You will need it and more. Yes, growing up is hard work. The alternative is a living hell in which your body matures, but your mind stays in the past, never finding the truth of your existence, never "getting it." Fortunately, you don't have to do that.

tao

Wow, I learnt a lot there too! Most of it I knew, from my own thoughts. However, in the heat of things it's easy for one's own thoughts to go astray. I did the emotional link thing with ease, but didn't set boundaries - just clearly stated how upset her negative behaviours were making me. She kept getting through eventually, but there were always more hoops to jump through, and eventually it broke down. I wasn't strong enough to pull through and enjoy the ride at the end (I'd slipped a lot).

DO NOT GIVE UP YOUR LIFE FOR HER. You won't anyway, but just to be sure. Hiking and the like are your life, and you must live it at all times, no matter her needs. That's how I lost out. Good luck.

[LJDK]

Thank you all again for the great advise and input. Also those references are great.

I just got off the phone with my fiance; she said she wants to go to her buddy quick. I asked her if it because she wants to make a line again. She said yes. I am kind of furious at this moment considering she wanted to blow off dinner with my parents for her habit. I do not understand considering it has been more than a month now since she used, and now all of a sudden it has become an issue again. But after I told her, you know what... do it, she then changed her mind.

I told her a few nights ago I believe she is only trying to escape dealing with her emotions. She then burst into tears and agreed with me and told me she hates dealing with her emotions.

I really do want to stick this out and ride out the rough oceans, but I am on my emotional downer at this point in time and I really do not feel like I have the energy to continue. I feel burned out. Constantly compromising etc.

What also gets to me, is that the last few days she was extremely irritable, snapping at me constantly which made me believe she is using again. Perhaps I should assume less. I just do not know how to go forward now considering she already told me she wants to, and I assume she most likely did use again.

Now I am super irritated, and knowing myself I cannot act like all is fine and dandy. It is hard trying to act like I do not care in order to prevent arguments or prevent her from feeling comfortable enough to tell me in the future. Sigh.

What caused my emotional downer is she told me last night I am a bore. So I asked her if she thinks we will work out, she replied yes and asked me the same thing. I said no I have doubts considering I am a bore and she is a party animal.

She is furious... but hell, I have the tendency to be brutally honest. Perhaps this is what spurred her sudden interest in using again. I do not know. All I know is despite my previous enthusiasm, I am losing all my energy on this. This was mostly a rant. Kind of feel better, all that is left to do know... is go for a run. Great stress reliever.

[N0help4u]

Her being furious is again HER putting her first.

A toxic relationship will suck the life out of you because you constantly give in and lose a good part of YOU. You end up giving over your personality, your needs, your wants, your desires, until you are spiralled down to no self image or self worth.
No matter how much you want a relationship when it means your sacrificing YOU you do not need it. You NEED OUT.
Then you can rebuild yourself.
Then you will come to look back and wonder how you made it through what you did

[amicon]

Good luck. I suggest she tries therapy and maybe rehab. All drugs are addictive. Take care.

[talaniman]

Do yourself a big favor an educate yourself as to what a person suffering from addiction is all about. Alanon is a great place for that education. You need facts to get understanding, and obviously you don't have the facts. Google Alanon.

[taoplr]

Thank you all again for the great advise and input. Also those references are great.

I just got off the phone with my fiance; she said she wants to go to her buddy quick. I asked her if it because she wants to make a line again. She said yes. I am kind of furious at this moment considering she wanted to blow off dinner with my parents for her habit.I do not understand considering it has been more than a month now since she used, and now all of a sudden it has become an issue again. But after i told her, you know what... go ahead and do it, she then changed her mind.

This says that you don't understand what's going on in her. She will blow off everything for her habit. EVERYTHING. She has no choice at this point, at least from her perspective.

A month without using is a start. After 18-24 months one might start to expect her to stay clean.

And, why in the world would you tell her to go ahead and do it? Sarcasm doesn't work in this situation. You have no chance of helping her unless your position is clear, consistent, and on message: You Want Her To Stop.

I told her a few nights ago i believe she is only trying to escape dealing with her emotions. She then burst into tears and agreed with me and told me she hates dealing with her emotions.

That's a big piece of all this: she can't cope emotionally. You can't teach her that and you can't take that away from her. She has to learn, and she has to do that clean.

I really do want to stick this out and ride out the rough oceans, but i am on my emotional downer at this point in time and i really do not feel like i have the energy to continue. I feel burned out. Constantly compromising etc.

What also gets to me, is that the last few days she was extremely irritable, snapping at me constantly which made me believe she is using again. Perhaps i should assume less. I just do not know how to go forward now considering she already told me she wants to, and i assume she most likely did use again.

Now i am super irritated, and knowing myself i cannot act like all is fine and dandy. It is hard trying to act like i do not care in order to prevent arguments or prevent her from feeling comfortable enough to tell me in the future. Sigh.

What caused my emotional downer is she told me last night i am a bore. So i asked her if she thinks we will work out, she replied yes and asked me the same thing. I said no i have doubts considering i am a bore and she is a party animal.

She is furious... but hell, i have the tendency to be brutally honest. Perhaps this is what spurred her sudden interest in using again. I do not know. All i know is despite my previous enthusiasm, i am losing all my energy on this. This was mostly a rant. Kind of feel better, all that is left to do know... is go for a run. Great stress reliever.

You know where this is heading. She will crap on you whenever she feels like it, using or not. You will be boring unless you are distracting her from who she is. Stay in this relationship and you're screwed. She will suck you dry like a vampire, without even trying. It's no effort for her, because you are doing most of it yourself.

You have bitten off more than you can chew.You can't save her, period. Get out and tell her why.


Tao

[fuzzychin]

Thank you all again for the great advise and input. Also those references are great.

I just got off the phone with my fiance; she said she wants to go to her buddy quick. I asked her if it because she wants to make a line again. She said yes. I am kind of furious at this moment considering she wanted to blow off dinner with my parents for her habit. I do not understand considering it has been more than a month now since she used, and now all of a sudden it has become an issue again. But after i told her, you know what... go ahead and do it, she then changed her mind.

I told her a few nights ago i believe she is only trying to escape dealing with her emotions. She then burst into tears and agreed with me and told me she hates dealing with her emotions.

I really do want to stick this out and ride out the rough oceans, but i am on my emotional downer at this point in time and i really do not feel like i have the energy to continue. I feel burned out. Constantly compromising etc.

What also gets to me, is that the last few days she was extremely irritable, snapping at me constantly which made me believe she is using again. Perhaps i should assume less. I just do not know how to go forward now considering she already told me she wants to, and i assume she most likely did use again.

Now i am super irritated, and knowing myself i cannot act like all is fine and dandy. It is hard trying to act like i do not care in order to prevent arguments or prevent her from feeling comfortable enough to tell me in the future. Sigh.

What caused my emotional downer is she told me last night i am a bore. So i asked her if she thinks we will work out, she replied yes and asked me the same thing. I said no i have doubts considering i am a bore and she is a party animal.

She is furious... but hell, i have the tendency to be brutally honest. Perhaps this is what spurred her sudden interest in using again. I do not know. All i know is despite my previous enthusiasm, i am losing all my energy on this. This was mostly a rant. Kind of feel better, all that is left to do know... is go for a run. Great stress reliever.

Listen to me. Please. A relationship cannot be built on this. Not straight off: she must realise who she is, without the drugs. My ex's problem was computer games. You will find yourself in doubts about her, whether you love her etc. This will tear her to pieces if she finds out, but it will be honest at least. Unless you can see through (find the strength).
Ideal situation: you helped her see what she wants. Now you have to help her believe there is a way to get it. At the moment, she doesn't - not really: after a month nothing much changed (it's not long enough to realise anything's different after a long time in a habit).
So, a downer you will be on (I was too).
Next: when she knows what she wants and that she has the power to get it (and has begun to have hope because of things she's initiated herself), you must leave her alone to get it. That way, she will become herself and you will become yourself (post-downer), and once it's blown over you should meet again and fall in love proper.
After habits come beauty hardly ever seen in this world: they've learnt life's most valuable lessons the hard way.

Best of luck.

[LJDK]

As much as I do want to get out I can't. I am scared I am using this addiction as an excuse to bail for fear of commitment.

She did use again last night and I joined in so she would not feel alone and so that I do not look like an authority. She threw away the rest after 1st use and said she let herself down. So there is still hope.

I think my depleted energy levels are mostly from work, then I blame my frustrations on the relationship. But there are things that I am not 100% comfortable with. For instance, the last few days / week she has been very irritable, snapping at me etc.

We hardly talk anymore. It's like we have nothing to say to each other. I am scared we are drifting apart. Then I took her caving last night now we talk again a bit more. But I phoned her earlier and then again, we have nothing to say to each other. I do not know why this is happening. But it is usually one sided conversations.

She tries to initiate it one day, then I give 1 word answers killing the conversation, and then other days its vs. I don't know if perhaps I am feeling we are drifting apart because I am emotionally distancing myself from her. I do not do this on purpose, it is just when she goes into her silent irritable mode, I automatically pull away.

Perhaps I assume too much, but I have always been a firm believer I can sense others emotions. In fact I have been told my entire life I am "sensitive" to others emotions. And I cannot help but feel there is something wrong between us. Like she is holding something against me. I asked her what is is but she denies it.

Or is it normal that couples goes through a dip where there is not much conversation going on? She tells me it is comfortable silence. I do not feel comfortable if it lasts a week.

[N0help4u]

Joining in so she doesn't feel left out?
How do you expect to get anywhere positive with excuses like that?

That is as bad as me saying that I don't want my kids feeling bad so I will join in in cussing the neighbor kids out.

You need to get a good perspective and a good grasp on exactly how you need to go about bringing about changes. Joining in in the problem will never solve anything.

[LJDK]

I have to become her partner in crime again, and lead her out. It's the only logical option. Either that or I must tell her it is over.

I can't sit back and keep telling her no, because it only hurts me. Thus the only solution is to not make it an issue until she gets over it, or I must break this off and explain to her I need stability and someone who knows what they want in life.

[N0help4u]

I have to become her partner in crime again, and lead her out. Its the only logical option.

So you become her partner in crime then she gets over her addiction and you end up hooked and then she dumps you.

[amicon]

Please seek help you can't handle this alone.

[LJDK]

Perhaps you are correct. Perhaps I should get help. Damn I hate it when things go south. But that is life... can't be moonshine and roses all the time.

[N0help4u]

Better South than in oblivion!
Get help for both of you

[amicon]

Good luck.you can do it.

[fuzzychin]

Hey. There is an answer, you just have to be strong enough to leave. She now wants something from life, and she doesn't yet have *quite* the means to get it herself. You can instill those means with the last essence of yourself. It will then take time and effort to keep yourself alive and kicking, but you can do it.
This is not an excuse: it is method, and it can work.
You pull away rightly: it's a signal that it's time for you both to live your own lives, and remember how wonderful you are as individuals. A relationship can come once you both have that from within yourselves - it will never happen if you stay together. This happened to me as well, but I wasn't strong enough to leave. She believed I no longer loved her, and because I was in no fit state to argue (I half believed that myself), she left. This same path is what awaits you if you stay together now, most likely as far as I (and everyone else, by the seems of it) can see.
I forgot to mention last time: there is hope. Reason I say this: as soon as we'd split, I felt absolutely terrible. Everything went straight to sh*t and I died inside. I told her so, by writing on Livejournal (she knew my account, and we'd used it at times to communicate when verbal broke down); and by crying down the phone. That was the time she first reached out to me, and made everything better. I believe your lassy will do the same. You must prepare both of you for it, and realise the reason you are pulling away: subconscious things happen because they should happen - but if you realise that, you can often work out your subconscious' master plan ;)

Jesus you're similar to me. I was always sensitive to the emo's of others too! And, this started drifting away once I got to about your stage. I couldn't see through her anymore, like she was an open book to me and no one else. I also lost sight of my goals, and why I was doing it. Yet, I carried on for fear that leaving was weak, leaving was going to break her, and leaving would mean the end forever. It turned out to be the other way around. If I'd left her, we'd still have had the pick-me-up from her to me, and we'd probably be madly in love right now.

Remind her of where the keys to her life are, say you cannot develop as people without the drugs while you are together, and that that is the *only* reason you have to split. Also that you should keep in touch, especially when the chips start turning down. You can still pick each other up, but only when it's really needed - not everyday or every time.

I wish you the very best, and I think you've found someone seriously special. She doesn't realise how special she is yet (and it's not really one of those things you can be told - you have to find out for yourself), but when she does you'll instantly fall back in love with the person you first saw when you met her - and you might even be a bit more open to things like clubbing after!

[LJDK]

Thx Fuzzy, that is quiet an insight. I told myself this was the last time. We are going through the constant tired, irritated and angry phase now due to her relapse. She said this is the last time, like she did the other times.

But I promised myself regardless of how much I love her, care for her and want her... if she relapses again then I will explain to her nicely that iti s obvious she is not ready to settle down or capable of dealing with her emotions.

I just reached that point where I can no longer tolerate it and resentment is starting to set in deep now. Which is never a good thing.

Thanks for all the advise everyone. I know what I have to do now. Now its just a waiting game. Maybe by some miracle this was truly her last time and we can start growing as individuals again. But for now, less focus on her, more on me. Selfish? Perhaps. But I tried my very best.

[talaniman]

I have to become her partner in crime again, and lead her out.

Sorry guy, but your lack of knowledge is part of the problem, and has made you an enabler, and that does more harm than good.

It's the only logical option. Either that or I must tell her it is over.

The logical option is to get information, not enable her by using with her.

Either that or i must tell her it is over.

That's what I recommend, as your trying to do something you know nothing about. Better to leave, than send the mixed signals your sending, because you can't help without guidance.