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Dark but not Heartless · Aug 3, 2009, 01:44 PM

I have a close friend who comes to me with issues/questions about things that happen in her life. The majority of these issues revolve around her ex-boyfriend. Recently, she confessed to me that she performed oral sex on him, despite them having broken up. She explained that he told her that she owed him for something, which bothered me deeply. Also, it should be noted that this girl is blatently obsessed with her ex, and constantly wishing he would take her back, even though he has expressed to her a desire for nothing more than to remain friends. In the past, she has also recalled to me occasions where he became harsh to her, making her feel insecure and self-loathing. Hearing her tell me these things was especially painful, being that her ex-boyfriend happens to be my best friend.

I know that he is abusing her psychologically, and I'm doing my very best to help her. But now I believe he has violated her sexually, and I'd like to know if using her vulnerability and obsession to take sexual advantage of her constitutes as rape. If so, I would think the best course of action would be to go to the police, especially because she is under age. But did he really break the law?

danielnoahsmommy · Aug 3, 2009, 01:46 PM

Nope! He made her feel guilty so she went with it. He did not threaten or hit her. She felt no physical threat she felt obligate. Therefore no repe! Was it right to do? no... but not criminal!

nikosmom · Aug 3, 2009, 01:51 PM

You said she's underage... how old are they both?

danielnoahsmommy · Aug 3, 2009, 01:53 PM

Oops, missed the underage it may constitute statutory rape if he is as of age.

BABYGIRL09 · Aug 3, 2009, 01:55 PM

No I don't think so! For me, once it was against a person's will, it is classified as rape. From your message, it was a clear that she wanted to do the oral sex, regardless of the fact that he told her she owed him. Once he never "forced" her to do the act it was willing. I'm not justifying his "playing" with her- it was wrong, but not illegal

BABYGIRL09 · Aug 3, 2009, 01:59 PM

However, the fact that she was underage is illegal, but then they broke up so long. How will she prove she had sexual relationship with "him" and not some other guy? What if he denies it? And then those sexual relationships seemed to have happened some time ago. Why wait until now to want to prosecute, simply because you feel cheated and rejected

s_cianci · Aug 3, 2009, 02:01 PM

You say she is "underage." How old is he? Depending on their individual ages, the age difference between them and the laws of your particular jurisdiction he may be guilty of statutory rape. But "rape", in the ordinary sense, implies force or the threat of force. Convincing her to do him orally because he claimed that "she owed him for something" or taking advantage of her "vulnerability and obsession" doesn't constitute forcible rape in my estimation and I think any prosecutor would have a hard time convincing a jury that it does. So, take into account their ages and check the laws regarding statutory rape for your state/province. It sounds like that's how it'd be possible to make a legal case against this guy.

JudyKayTee · Aug 3, 2009, 02:14 PM

Are you asking if the oral sex was rape?

HelpinHere · Aug 3, 2009, 03:52 PM

Besides the possible statuatory, if she agreed to pay back what she owed then it isn't rape.

JudyKayTee · Aug 3, 2009, 04:12 PM

Originally Posted by HelpinHere

Besides the possible statuatory, if she agreed to pay back what she owed then it isn't rape.

It is if she's under age - she's too young to enter into a contract which is what saying you will pay someone "back" is.

I still don't know if we're talking about intercourse or oral sex.

HelpinHere · Aug 3, 2009, 04:20 PM

JKT, I can see two points in what you said. Not sure which you mean, so I'll address both.

I said besides the possible statuatory because if she is underage and he is over, then that has already been answered.
I said "if she agreed to pay back...". Yes, legally she can't enter a legally binding "contract" in this manner, but the key word was agreed, meaning she gave her consent, and it is therefore not rape.

jmjoseph · Aug 3, 2009, 04:24 PM

Please tell us both of their ages. I'm quite sure you can get a helpful, intelligent answer here if you give us that information first. If they both were over 18, then no, I don't think that it's RAPE. I just think that he's being very hateful to take advantage of her like that. I think she should treat herself better, and have enough self respect as to NOT allow some A$$ to get away with that.
If he's is 18, and she is say... 15, then it IS statutory rape in most places here in the states.

So help us with the ages, please.

JudyKayTee · Aug 3, 2009, 04:36 PM

I thought - and here we go again - you meant that she could consent to sex in exchange for money she owed him. First, that's prostitution; second, if she's underage it's a contract to which she cannot agree; third, if she is under age and gives her consent, it's still rape.

I just don't know what ages we're talking about as well as the specific sex act. I do notice OP has asked about other friends with various problems and I don't know if this girl is one of those friends or someone else.

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/teens/...ml#post1425822

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...ml#post1145660

letmetellu · Aug 3, 2009, 07:41 PM

In Texas there is not a law called Rape anymore it is all listed under the title "Sexual Assault" which would include oral sex.

N0help4u · Aug 3, 2009, 09:21 PM

He has definitely violated her if she is underage according to your state
She is definitely being psychologically abused even if she weren't a minor.

What state is this and how old are both of them?
IF they are both minors then it may be harder to prove she was raped.

smoothy · Aug 4, 2009, 05:00 AM

Lot of "it depends" here.

Depends on her age, depends on his age...

Statutes vary state to state so that's important as well.

Assuming the state statutes allow it based on age... then there is no rape here. Stupidity is not a rape defense. Particularly if she is the aggressor, and she is obsessed and that makes her the aggressor.

Dark but not Heartless · Aug 6, 2009, 06:48 PM

I was under the impression that oral sex was classified as a sexual act under the Pennsylvania legal system. I do know that they engaged in conventional intercourse some time ago, but that didn't involve him taking advantage of her. Additionally, I don't know when this occurred, so it may have happened when they were both underage. To clarify for those of you who asked this, he is of age and she is not at the time of the specific incident referred to in my question. Therefore, I'm sure that it counts as statutory rape. However, what I was asking was if it was illegal for any other reason besides that.

On the other hand, the fact alone that it is statutory rape should be enough to prosecute him, which, in retrospect, seems to make the rest of my question pointless.

N0help4u · Aug 6, 2009, 06:51 PM

You still haven't given ages of what age he is or what age she was when they did conventional or oral

If she was under 16 then even with her consent it was illegal.
AND if she was 16 and he was over 4 yrs older than her then again it is illegal.

If you give ages for both then it would be easier to explain.

JudyKayTee · Aug 6, 2009, 06:51 PM

Originally Posted by letmetellu

In Texas there is not a law called Rape anymore it is all listed under the title "Sexual Assault" which would include oral sex.

I cannot find oral sex which doesn't involve violence to be classified as a sexual assault in Texas.

Please give the site where you find this because I'm obviously missing it.

smoothy · Aug 7, 2009, 11:48 AM

Originally Posted by N0help4u

You still haven't given ages of what age he is or what age she was when they did conventional or oral

If she was under 16 then even with her consent it was illegal.
AND if she was 16 and he was over 4 yrs older than her then again it is illegal.

If you give ages for both then it would be easier to explain.

There are two state I believe that the number is as low as 14, and a few its 18. THe state they live in as well as both their ages must be known for any advice to be even remotely accurate.