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pagoda · Jul 25, 2009, 02:50 PM

My parents have been divorced for almost 15 years. They have both since remarried and have moved on completely to different lives. I am the youngest of three kids at 21 yrs old. My sisters and I recently discussed with our grandparents, on our dads side, whether to invite our mother and step father to their beach house for the weekend, where only us kids and our kids would be staying. We agreed since our grandparents who own the house were agreeable to it. After one day my father calls my sister and yells for quite some time. Claiming since we know how he feels about our mother, we are selfish and have spit in his face by letting our her at his PARENTS house. He even went so far as to say he was DONE with us and how disrespectful we all are. And how disgusting he found the whole situation. His birthday is in a week. How do I handle this?

Fr_Chuck · Jul 25, 2009, 03:04 PM

1. ingore him on it and let him rant
2. all children make one voice and explain that you love both mother and father and he is selfish trying to act this way.
3. or myself, I would yell back, tell him to call me back when he grows up.

jenniepepsi · Jul 25, 2009, 03:12 PM

Hey chuck, wouldn't this cause more problems and stress between them? (not saying your wrong hon, just curious)

Padoga, sorry if I'm misunderstanding you, but have you and your sisters ever sat down and explained to your parents this exact situation and how it bothers you? Not complaining, not beatng around the bush but coming right out and saying 'it REALLY bothers us when you do this"

Sometimes parents do not even realise they are doing it until it is pointed out.

Again sorry if I misunderstood and you have already done this :) good luck.

Fr_Chuck · Jul 25, 2009, 03:17 PM

More stress perhaps, I am one that likes to "clear the air" get things out in the open and let it fall where it can.

Keeping feelins bottled up normally does anyone any good.

jenniepepsi · Jul 25, 2009, 03:19 PM

Ahh I understand :) good point. Especially since she is an adult.

taoplr · Jul 25, 2009, 05:54 PM

Originally Posted by pagoda

my parents have been divorced for almost 15 years. they have both since remarried and have moved on completely to different lives. i am the youngest of three kids at 21 yrs old. my sisters and i recently discussed with our grandparents, on our dads side, whether or not to invite our mother and step father to their beach house for the weekend, where only us kids and our kids would be staying. we agreed since our grandparents who own the house were agreeable to it. after one day my father calls my sister and yells for quite some time. claiming since we know how he feels about our mother, we are selfish and have spit in his face by letting our her at his PARENTS house. he even went so far as to say he was DONE with us and how disrespectful we all are. and how disgusting he found the whole situation. his birthday is in a week. how do i handle this?

Dear Dad,

We are sorry that you are upset and want to set things right as soon as possible.

None of us imagined that you would find it objectionable for Mom and StepDad to stay at Grandma and Grandpa's house for the weekend with us and our kids. We didn't dream that our grandparent's home would be forbidden territory to our mother. No one meant to offend you in any way.

We love you and we love our Mom, and it hurts to see you so distraught after 15 years apart from her. We had hoped that you would move beyond your anger, since you both have happy marriages now, and didn't know that the symbolism would mean something insulting to you.

We care about your feelings, and want to know them. We hope you want to know ours. We take your words to heart and think about them and look into ourselves to see if what you have expressed should be acted upon. We ask that you look into yourself as well. That might not seem fair to you, since you are our Dad, but we are all adults now, and need to know each other as adults. To us, seeing eye to eye with you goes two ways.

We hope that having gotten this off your chest will make it easier for you to let go of what happened between you and Mom, and we ask that you accept a state of peace throughout our family, including StepMom and StepDad. Please let it go so we can enjoy being a family. Let's celebrate your birthday!

Love,

All 3 sign

You get the idea. Say it in words that he will hear and that express the truth.

If you take the position that the three of you are responsible, thoughtful people for whom the role of being his children is changing, you can take a step forward. He needs you to set boundaries, to tell him no without adding to his self-inflicted wounds. He will be upset. But you can derail that with gentle insistence that he not derive meaning for you that you don't have, and then get upset because he believes his projection.

Good luck!

Tao

Jake2008 · Jul 25, 2009, 08:28 PM

Everybody is an adult here, and he is acting like a 10 year old.

Because the beachhouse actually belongs to your grandparents, and it was with their permission who the house guests would be, your father needs to grow up and show a little respect for all concerned.

It is none of his business who is at the beachhouse, which does not belong to him. And it had nothing to do with you girls; who, by the way, acted very maturely in inviting your mom and her husband in the first place.

If he is still burning bridges after 15 years, I suspect this is not the first, nor will it be the last, of his selfish actions. As you said, 'long time divorced parents still putting children in the middle'.

As adults, I would not address his boorish behaviour, or give him any credibility for his actions. If he questions any of you again, or interrogates you, tell him to simply take it up with his parents, and leave it at that.

As to his birthday coming up, let him know you are planning a party or whatever, and if he shows up, fine, and if he doesn't, have a great time anyway.