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speedy009 · Jul 16, 2009, 01:09 PM

Originally Posted by BMI

Sorry Speedy, but going out to have sex in order to get it out of your system or "get in" on what your missing is in stark contrast to saying you love this girl. Basically your saying I want to let loose a bit before I commit to the love of my life.

Also, even if you were able to go out and "get it", it's not something that goes by one and done. You'll be tempted in the future no matter what you do.

Women my friend, they do not stop looking great and driving us mad...EVER!!!

Basically what I'm saying is that before I got back with the woman FOREVER, I want to have my own private bachelor party because she got her bachelorette party ahha...

speedy009 · Jul 16, 2009, 01:13 PM

Originally Posted by Romefalls19

Man, I went back to my first "love" so many times, after she cheated on me, would take "breaks" the same time we had breaks from school so she could hook up without any guilt and each time I thought "she changed" and "this is true love" not even close.

Of course she is going to tell you EVERYTHING you want to hear, why would she tell you this "I'm only back because this is familiar and when things get hard again I'm going to spread my legs for another bloke" when she wants to get back with you?

I know you just think of her as another girl that will screw any guy that she wants, but she isn't like that at all. She really was heartbroken from our relationship and she really did try to move on but she is still in love with me. She did call it quits on us but I honestly understand why and don't blame her for it. I have broken up with before, but only to get some space and not to really break up with her and see other people, but she didn't take it that way...

kctiger · Jul 16, 2009, 01:13 PM

Originally Posted by speedy009

Basically what im saying is that before I got back with the woman FOREVER, i want to have my own private bachelor party because she got her bachelorette party ahha...

Sounds like a mature way to handle things... :rolleyes:

You guys break up for one of two reasons:

1. One of you need space and therefor break up
2. One of you want to test the waters

Sounds like an equation of a match made in heaven if you ask me... good luck on the divorce. In all seriousness, please evaluate EVERYTHING before diving into this.

speedy009 · Jul 16, 2009, 01:14 PM

Originally Posted by kctiger

Sounds like a mature way to handle things...:rolleyes:

Sarcasm I guess??

s_cianci · Jul 16, 2009, 01:14 PM

It actually sounds like she wants to use you as the rebound; since her thing with this new guy didn't work out, she's running back to you as 'plan B.' I'm sorry, I don't mean to sound unkind but that really sums it up. Incidentally, her having slept with another dude is not "clouding your judgment" at all. You're actually being very prudent taking that into consideration. I think the handwriting's on the wall here and I think you know it too. Good luck.

kctiger · Jul 16, 2009, 01:16 PM

Originally Posted by speedy009

Sarcasm i guess???

Winner, winner chicken dinner!!!

speedy009 · Jul 16, 2009, 01:17 PM

Originally Posted by s_cianci

It actually sounds like she wants to use you as the rebound; since her thing with this new guy didn't work out, she's running back to you as 'plan B.' I'm sorry, I don't mean to sound unkind but that really sums it up. Incidentally, her having slept with another dude is not "clouding your judgment" at all. You're actually being very prudent taking that into consideration. I think the handwriting's on the wall here and I think you know it too. Good luck.

All opinions are welcome. Otherwise I would not have posted on a public forum. I think I might need to talk with my ex in person to really find out for sure if I want to be with her again...

speedy009 · Jul 16, 2009, 01:46 PM

Originally Posted by kctiger

You guys break up for one of two reasons:

1. One of you need space and therefor break up
2. One of you want to test the waters

Sounds like an equation of a match made in heaven if you ask me...good luck on the divorce. In all seriousness, please evaluate EVERYTHING before diving into this.

Thanks, I know most people here are giving really good advice, and showing me tough love because that's what I need to hear. I am not rushing anything and just need to think carefully about what I should do...

Romefalls19 · Jul 16, 2009, 02:43 PM

Originally Posted by speedy009

I know you just think of her as another girl that will screw any guy that she wants, but she isnt like that at all. She really was heartbroken from our relationship and she really did try to move on but she is still in love with me. She did call it quits on us but I honestly understand why and dont blame her for it. I have broken up with before, but only to get some space and not to really break up with her and see other people, but she didnt take it that way...

Read that from 3rd person perspective. Look at how you are making excuses for her? You want to know what I think of when someone breaks up with me, using reasons like "I can't handle this" "I'm really stressed out" "I need space", when I hear that all I hear inside my head is "I'm not just giving up on us, I'm giving up on you" and no offense, if someone wants to give up on me, I don't need them in my life. I'm a firm believer in, stand by myself or stand with someone else, either way I will always get up one more time than I fall.

talaniman · Jul 16, 2009, 02:51 PM

I am a big believer in facts, and not just feelings when making big decisions, so the facts you have are
>First time long term relationship, and you were virgins. So that's one strong attachment after 8 years in a young life.
> You were young, but for whatever reason, those 8 years didn't give you a better set of coping skills, nor did you work well enough to stay together.
>Those 8 years didn't give you the right basis for honest communications
>Those 8 years never taught you how to make adjustments, or want to. Immaturity, maybe, but you grew apart, and broke up
> You handle yourself, and your emotions better than she did, and got further along in the healing process after the break up.
>She didn't heal, and only confused herself even more. That often happens when we jump from one relationship to another, expecting to be happy.
> That's not the worse part, what is, that instead of learning from her mistakes, she comes back to you to be happy. Thats because she has never healed, and needs someone to make her happy, first another guy, and now you......AGAIN
>She still is no closer to healing, than she was when you left
>The issues that broke you up in the first place are unresolved, and still there
>You have new issues to resolve
>You have grown, she has not, and all the love you have won't change that.

Sorry guy, but with just those facts, I would be very cautious if I were you before jumping back into something that has little chance at this time to work.

One thing for sure that you know as a fact, she isn't ready for a relationship with anyone at this time and does need time for herself, so she can get her head screwed back on.

That's reason enough to leave her alone to do so, without your influence.

Give it a year, and then see if she has made progress, on her own, and if you both will feel the same.

Takes two healthy adults, for a healthy adult relationship. Whats the real hurry to make sure what you do next, is the right thing? Take your own sweet time to get ALL the facts, and make a good decision for yourself.

s_cianci · Jul 16, 2009, 02:54 PM

I think I might need to talk with my ex in person to really find out for sure if I want to be with her again...

You're certainly free to talk with her if you want, but I honestly just think you'll be wasting your time.

Romefalls19 · Jul 16, 2009, 02:57 PM

I bet you will raise your concerns, and she will tell you how it will all be okay and that she's changed. You're the one she wants to be with, get married with, have a family with and grow old with.

I've been involved in this type of conversation before

speedy009 · Jul 16, 2009, 03:19 PM

Originally Posted by talaniman

I am a big believer in facts, and not just feelings when making big decisions, so the facts you have are
>First time long term relationship, and you were virgins. So thats one strong attachment after 8 years in a young life.
> You were young, but for whatever reason, those 8 years didn't give you a better set of coping skills, nor did you work well enough to stay together.
>Those 8 years didn't give you the right basis for honest communications
>Those 8 years never taught you how to make adjustments, or want to. Immaturity, maybe, but you grew apart, and broke up
> You handle yourself, and your emotions better than she did, and got further along in the healing process after the break up.
>She didn't heal, and only confused herself even more. That often happens when we jump from one relationship to another, expecting to be happy.
> Thats not the worse part, what is, that instead of learning from her mistakes, she comes back to you to be happy. Thats because she has never healed, and needs someone to make her happy, first another guy, and now you......AGAIN
>She still is no closer to healing, than she was when you left
>The issues that broke you up in the first place are unresolved, and still there
>You have new issues to resolve
>You have grown, she has not, and all the love you have won't change that.

sorry guy, but with just those facts, I would be very cautious if I were you before jumping back into something that has little chance at this time to work.

One thing for sure that you know as a fact, she isn't ready for a relationship with anyone at this time and does need time for herself, so she can get her head screwed back on.

Thats reason enough to leave her alone to do so, without your influence.

Give it a year, and then see if she has made progress, on her own, and if you both will feel the same.

Takes two healthy adults, for a healthy adult relationship. Whats the real hurry to make sure what you do next, is the right thing? Take your own sweet time to get ALL the facts, and make a good decision for yourself.

Thanks, I have read your advice on other topics as well and you seem like you are just a straight up person that looks at the facts instead of emotions.
You make a very strong argument that I should just leave her alone, because she might be confused still.
Im just torn between my head and my heart now...

speedy009 · Jul 16, 2009, 03:27 PM

Originally Posted by Romefalls19

I bet you will raise your concerns, and she will tell you how it will all be okay and that she's changed. You're the one she wants to be with, get married with, have a family with and grow old with.

I've been involved in this type of conversation before

And Im assuming that it didn't work out because the same problems were still there?

Romefalls19 · Jul 16, 2009, 03:35 PM

Nope, didn't work. You can only sweep problems under the rug before you start to trip over the dirt.

artlady · Jul 16, 2009, 03:44 PM

She says that this guy was sooooo "perfect" but she just couldn't commit to him because she was still in love with me...

I think she is playing you like a Kentucky fiddle.
I bet this guy that was sooo perfect(she did not have to play that lame card) dumped her.

Gemini54 · Jul 16, 2009, 04:35 PM

Originally Posted by speedy009

Thanks, I have read your advice on other topics as well and you seem like you are just a straight up person that looks at the facts instead of emotions.
You make a very strong argument that I should just leave her alone, because she might be confused still.
Im just torn between my head and my heart now...

That's always the difficult part - the argument between the head and the heart!

I'm glad the posters gave you something to think about. The consensus seems to be that you need to give yourself some time to think, so instead of feeling that you HAVE to make a decision - why don't you do that? Deal with your own confusion first, and leave her to deal with hers on her own.

speedy009 · Jul 16, 2009, 04:46 PM

Originally Posted by artlady

I think she is playing you like a Kentucky fiddle.
I bet this guy that was sooo perfect(she did not have to play that lame card) dumped her.

No, I know for a fact that she dumped him and called it quits on him. She is a really sweet and beautiful person.

speedy009 · Jul 16, 2009, 04:53 PM

She has never lied to me about anything while in a relationship with her. I even tested her a couple times on things that she thought I didn't know and she is always truthful to me.

She felt like she had to tell me everything before I got back with her because she didn't want to hide anything from me and start a relationship based on lies and secrets..

susangpyp · Jul 16, 2009, 04:57 PM

This seems like an uphill battle to trust her again and to even get to a place where you would be comfortable. Is it really worth the trouble? At your age you have so much living to do and don't really need that kind of baggage. I would ask a lot of hard questions to see if it's worth it.

Just because you still love someone doesn't mean that you can give up peace of mind. It's really not a good trade-off.