[Justwantfair]

You read the first and last post correct? You skipped everything in the middle ;).
This wasn't a fight.
I am aware of the little to no progress.

[88sunflower]

Oh Justy I am so sorry to hear this. I was kind of hoping for something more positive. But keep in mind what you said last week about in the end positive will come out of this. If your living like a married couple but he doesn't want to marry then to heck with him. Maybe its not true in any way, but my first thought was not marrying he is keeping his options still open so he can walk away with less hassle. I hated to write that to you but that's what came to mind. Its going to be so hard but take this as a step towards a new and happier life.

A big hug your way...

[I wish]

You read the first and last post correct? You skipped everything in the middle ;).
This wasn't a fight.
I am aware of the little to no progress.

I read the first page and the last page (and now I read a few more pages) and saw that there was no progress anywhere. Just something I wanted to help point out.

You already know this, but if there's no progress after all this time, how do you know things will get better later? It definitely won't fix itself overnight. If you're willing to continue to put your life on hold and wait it out, I'm sure we'll all support you. But we also want you to be happy!

I'm sure you know this as well, but I still feel the need to point it out. The longer to keep hanging on to something that isn't going to turn out the way you want, the more you will miss out on.

[Justwantfair]

Oh Justy I am so sorry to hear this. I was kind of hoping for something more positive. But keep in mind what you said last week about in the end positive will come out of this. If your living like a married couple but he doesnt want to marry then to heck with him. Maybe its not true in any way, but my first thought was not marrying he is keeping his options still open so he can walk away with less hassle. I hated to write that to you but thats what came to mind. Its going to be so hard but take this as a step towards a new and happier life.

A big hug your way...

Yeah, I agree that seems to be the only valid reason for not stepping up to the plate he already eats off. I know that I don't have it in me for any more patience. I love him, this isn't what I wanted or expected. I did yesterday learn more about the role I have been playing in the most recent frustrations. I did walk away knowing that this would be a failure of both of ours, not just his. There seemed to be a lot that he has been frustrated about that he communicated and I wasn't listening to, which I had thought we communicated well, but in hearing some of how he interprets my responses (which haven't been positive lately) I completely understand why he feels like it will be a difficult relationship to repair.

It made it a bit more clear how he was pushing away rather than drawing closer.

[Justwantfair]

I read the first page and the last page (and now I read a few more pages) and saw that there was no progress anywhere. Just something I wanted to help point out.

You already know this, but if there's no progress after all this time, how do you know things will get better later? It definitely won't fix itself overnight. If you're willing to continue to put your life on hold and wait it out, I'm sure we'll all support you. But we also want you to be happy!

I'm sure you know this as well, but I still feel the need to point it out. The longer to keep hanging on to something that isn't going to turn out the way you want, the more you will miss out on.

I understand this, I am working on letting go of the last five years.
Walking away from five years with two children involved isn't my favorite option.
The progress has been there, it just isn't marriage, it's progress of learning to communicate and handling some highly stressful custody situations with a man who already has a commitment fear. This has been a trying year, but not just between us.

[88sunflower]

Its been a long road, its trying just like you said. But take it as a learning lesson and use what you have learned and hurt from to move forware.

Do the kids know yet? How is this going to be on them? What if they want to continue to see him what will happen then?

[I wish]

It takes time, but you'll get through this. You've come a long way and will continue to get stronger. Make sure that you're surrounded by friends and family for support.

We're always here to give you objective advice and support!

[Justwantfair]

Its been a long road, its trying just like you said. But take it as a learning lesson and use what you have learned and hurt from to move forware.

Do the kids know yet? How is this going to be on them? What if they want to continue to see him what will happen then?

I guess a part of me says that it's still a relationship in progress with the potential to be a great relationship, the part of me that has seen us make it through some tough times and a part of me that sympathizes with his issues and the progress he has made for me. The other part of me wonders how long I can give.

The kids have no idea, we did everything together as usual this weekend. I am not stirring that pot until I absolutely have to. My daughter will be devastated, her father's wife recently separated and moved out of her father's house. That was devastating to a little girl with more compassion in a little finger than some have in their whole body. My son will be pretty upset also. I know this will be a long road for three (4) people. I wouldn't stop a relationship between my kids and him. He is a wonderful role model and he has made great progresses with my son, who father was absent most of the time until the last year when now he is the video game father. ::sigh::

I know on that end it's easy. At times I remember that I think it's easy, but I always feel like I am walking away too soon. I honestly wondered two years ago, if we would ever get to the point of living together, we had been together for three years at that point. His progress is dismally slow, but it has been there. It's just required every ounce of my patience.

[88sunflower]

Well maybe with luck on your side this split can happen and be some eye opener for him with little effect on your kids. What would happen then. If you were a single girl again knowing what you know of him would you date him?

[Justwantfair]

Without the history we have, I wouldn't get involved.
I know if I walk away, I don't look back.

[88sunflower]

See maybe that's what you need to keep in mind.
Either way you're a smart and beautiful girl. You will come out a shining star after all this. I just hope your kids will to and can still have a solid relationship with him.

[talaniman]

You are one tough cookie my friend, just remind me never bet against you.

[Justwantfair]

I don't feel tough, I feel untough... :confused:
Words are important, I have to think about the words.
Thank goodness break ups aren't often.
I will never break up again, after this. ;)

[makapuu]

Sometimes it's the pressure of marriage that destroys the relationship.
I am very secure in my relationship with my boyfriend. We made a commitment to each other, we love each other dearly, and I already wear his ring. We both don't want to get married because there's really nothing it would do for us that we haven't already done. When I think of marriage, I panic. We both have a lifetime of properties and investment/retirement accounts that would all have to be changed to identify a change in status. At this point in my life, I don't want to deal with all that.
I suppose you pressured him to marry you because he had become a step-father to your children. Maybe his own family pressured him against marriage.
5 years was a long time, but better late than never to figure it out.

[88sunflower]

That's so true. The pressure of marriage destroys a relationship.
I guess for me its one of those statements that make you go hmm...

[Justwantfair]

You sound like where he is, think of marriage and panic. We just aren't on the same page, I don't feel like my motives are poor for not wanting a marriage commitment. Sometimes I feel like it is a financial thing because he is very financially sound, where as I have been a single mother and although I don't bring debt forward, he is well into a solid nest egg. There is a level of commitment, very similar to marriage, I trust him completely, he is faithful to our relationship, we are great friends and companions, some communication is lacking but other communication is high.

I highly believe that his family had a huge influence until recently I have made huge strides to be accepted by his very devote nuclear Catholic family. His mother about eighteen months ago told him that she was concerned that I was a gold-digger... shortly after I moved in. :confused: :eek:

[88sunflower]

A gold digger? You dated some time before you moved in didn't you? That's poor judgement on her part. Maybe she is afraid of losing her little boy to another woman. Just stick with what your dreams are and don't look back.

[Justwantfair]

A gold digger? You dated some time before you moved in didnt you? Thats poor judgement on her part. Maybe she is afraid of losing her little boy to another woman. Just stick with what your dreams are and dont look back.

Yeah, it was poor judgement, we had been together for about three years at that point. She said it because he had bought me a washer/dryer set, that I paid him back for at Christmas time, she had been with at the purchase. He set her straight, but he is a Momma's boy and I know her opinion is highly influential, but I think his Mom and I are pretty good now. I think she would be the most surprised by this.

[Romefalls19]

Wow, I'm gone a few days and I miss this. I am so sorry to hear about this, you have so much on your plate but known that you are truly strong, true strength comes from within. You made a good choice as you saw no satisfying end to the relationship for you, so you did wha you had to. Keep your head up!

[nobabes]

Thank you for posting on my similar situation, I've read your story, I think your really brave and I really respect you. I wish I had the same willpower. But I don't know if I could pick myself up after 9 years of investment. I find it difficult to understand how people can afford to break up. If we split I would have to find a horrid grotty flat and give up my car, and all the other little luxuries! How do people do it?

Good on you though justy x