[vanheart]

Hehehe, I was saying that to everyone...

[vanheart]

Felt a bit better last night, put all of my notes and advice in a stack made a list for today & tried to give my mind a rest. Woke up super early again by a nightmare about her followed by some more bad dreams after that and then an anxiety attack. I know it sounds dumb, but I still miss her and feel so hurt. My mornings seem to bring the most despair. This will be my 9th day of no contact & can't help feeling like yesterday's news..

[kctiger]

Dude there were mornings I almost had to vomit when I woke up, especially after I found out she was dating another guy. Mornings and nights sucked... keep it together, I know it's hard.

[vanheart]

Yup, that's me right now.

[vanheart]

We had a bunch of plans this summer out here. 2 weddings (her friends) and other events. Now, I feel totally excluded and her reasons for traveling here are no longer about me. She can still feel excited about coming here.
I hate the fact that this pain keeps emerging & it seems as soon as I start to make strides, I seem to experience the pain all over again.

[chuff]

Look how I turn this around and make it a positive.

We had a bunch of plans this summer out here. 2 weddings (her friends) and other events.

Great, now you don't have to buy gifts for somebody you didn't know. Nor will you have to sit in a hot church for hours thinking to yourself, "can we hurry this up, already."

Now, I feel totally excluded and her reasons for traveling here are no longer about me.

She gets to deal with them alone and you are free to do what I want.

She can still feel excited about coming here.

Because when she gets here there will be reminders of me everywhere and karma will catch up to her then.

I hate the fact that this pain keeps emerging & it seems as soon as i start to make strides, I seem to experience the pain all over again.

Awesome, you are normal functioning human being capable of love and even though she is void of that concept your brain is doing what it was designed to do, not only protecting your feelings but using this time to make strides which you recognize and that is coming with some occasional pain that will lead to a stronger you. This break up has provide me with so much already, I've found a great website and learned a just how tough I am which will not help me now but for the rest of my life.

Any negative you can give, I can and will find a positive in it. I'm not doing anything special, just being using the same thing you are and looking at it differently. Any negative you have, search yourself and your brain will give you the positive in it.

[vanheart]

Thanks Chuff, I appreciate that. I try to really stop thinking about everything, but it seems there's a new set of things and reminders that emerges every day.

[chuff]

Thanks Chuff, I appreciate that. I try to really stop thinking about everything, but it seems theres a new set of things and reminders that emerges every day.

The reminders will be there, the thoughts will be there, it's what you make of them that counts.

[vanheart]

That's true. Im feeling pretty low today, almost numb and empty

[chuff]

Thats true. Im feeling pretty low today, almost numb and empty

You appreciate that your brain recognizes the emptiness and the range of emotions that it offers you, now you will do something for yourself.

Negative into positive.

[vanheart]

Thanks. I'm trying.

[chuff]

Thanks. im trying.

Which is better then you were a week ago, so you've already improved.

Negative into positive.

[vanheart]

I guess so, just doesn't feel that way.

[Romefalls19]

Little by little you get better, it's not waking up one day and everything is cured, it's a process. It's like a detox from a drug, gets easier with each passing day, even though you feel you haven't made progress, you do

[taoplr]

... a new set of things and reminders that emerges every day.
... nightmare ... bad dreams ... anxiety attack. ...cant help feeling like yesterday's news..

Van,

I posted my opinion early on, and have casually but keenly followed your conversation. You have been getting some really good advice and amazing support, and because of that, I had nothing to say until now.

You have been facing reality and dealing with it as well as one could expect. But, it occurs to me that you have two directions you can take now, both of which will relieve you of some of the pain, maybe all of the pain, you have been experiencing. It's worth looking at the openings you will create for yourself by exploring these options.

In simplistic terms, the two directions are in and out. I believe that you have been stuck in between them, turning within yourself, trying to break free, but struggling because you haven't gone far enough in either direction.

"Out" means getting out of yourself, expanding into new, positive actions, attitudes, and interests, going beyond the old you, learning from this experience and moving on... in general, taking a healthy, productive stance that gets you to drop your attachment to her and get about your life. All good.

"In" means—and this is what I believe will be new—going into the depths of your mind at levels that have nothing to do with her, or anybody else for that matter, but instead reveal your own inner reality to you in ways that you can use to grow with respect to the whole of your life, engaging this experience as a catalyst for self-discovery and self-understanding, following the trails left by your dreams and anxiety attacks, becoming an explorer of your psyche and discovering long-standing blocks in your heart and mind, maybe dismantling a block or two, but mostly just knowing who you are deep down. Maybe it won't be obvious at first glance, but this direction is all good, too.

Moving your attention and emotional commitment in either direction will get you out of yourself (your day-to-day self) enough to free you from obsessing any more about this relationship. You can lose yourself, even forget that you exist as a separate entity, in something bigger than you (Out) and in the smallest, most tender parts of your mind. (In. Note that small doesn't mean "weak.") The inward focus will make you aware of things you either took for granted or didn't know existed in you and having new choices as to how you express them. Either way, you win.

Does that make any sense?

Tao

[vanheart]

Deep down I believe that, right now minutes feel like days. As much as everyone has helped here & the research Ive found about her personality, I still feel pretty broken.

[vanheart]

Yes, tao. It does and I have been obsessing due to the shock which I guess I know is more about her & why/how. If you can offer up any methods to help, I would appreciate it. I really don't want to be in pain anymore and am frustrated with myself for reverting when new insecurities arise.

[taoplr]

i still feel pretty broken.

What part of you, specifically, is broken? This might seem like it should be obvious, but ask yourself the question, please.

[talaniman]

I think that being proactive with your healing, by making a plan of ACTION, that allows you to replace the old memories, and feelings, with new ones, is the best way to go. It's the doing for yourself, that heals, and makes the time go by faster.

Have you read the stickies at the beginning of this forum? They are a must read, with some excellent suggestions, and insights, you can use.

They also will let you know, you are not alone in your situation, and this can be dealt with, and make you a stronger, better, more aware person.

Above all, be patient with yourself and let the shock of the break up wear off. It will.

[vanheart]

I guess if I had to pinpoint this it would be confidence, esteem, focus. Forcing emotions that I don't wish to possess like jealousy and insecurity. I suppose this all stems from the shock & lack to closure at this stage as well as the deceit.