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gtsi98 · May 19, 2009, 11:15 AM

I am getting on in years and won't be around much longer. I've always had doubts about my adult son being mine because we are nothing alike, either mentally, emotionally or physically and his mother fooled around. We have been divorced for 30 years. I want to have a DNA test to determine paternity, but I don't want my son to know this in case I am wrong. What are the chances this can be accomplished?

LearningAsIGo · May 19, 2009, 11:25 AM

Since your son is an adult, it is unlikely you can test him discretely.

I can understand your curiosity, but is it really worth bringing up after all these years? If he isn't yours after all, does that matter at this point? What would change by knowing?

I suggest thinking about the consequences of knowing with 100% certainty. If its really worth it to you, be honest and ask him to participate willingly. It may hurt him deeply, which is something you need to think about while deciding if you really want to go through with this.

gtsi98 · May 19, 2009, 11:52 AM

My relationship with my son has been strained for many years and I suspect its because of my doubt. If Dna testing proved he was mine, I think we could have a much better relationship. If dna testing proved he wasn't mine I wouldn't disown him or even tell him. But the relationship would continue to be strained.

Justwantfair · May 19, 2009, 12:04 PM

I think the cons highly outweigh the pros of curbing your ideal curiosity.

DNA is not the only make up of a father and that if he shares your DNA would make you more willing to accept him as he is, is a thought that as a fellow parent, wrenchs my stomach. CON

If you found out you had been deceived all those years ago, yes your anger would be greatly increased and your acceptance that is apparently already limited would become even more so. CON

If you were to even suggest such a thing to your son it would bring all of these feelings to the surface furthering the wedge that you have already allowed between you and your son. CON

Curb your curiosity PRO

Your curiosity to establish parentage of an adult child who has been raised by you and thinks of you as his father is only self-serving CON and would have only negetive reprocussions CON.

Maybe more effort should be spent accepting your son just as he is and quality bonding with him as an individual.

N0help4u · May 19, 2009, 01:16 PM

Also I see the problem as you in affect are placing the blame of the mother onto the son because your relationship is strained because you suspect that he is not your son.
NO fault of his own.

nikosmom · May 19, 2009, 01:54 PM

Originally Posted by gtsi98

My relationship with my son has been strained for many years and I suspect its because of my doubt. If Dna testing proved he was mine, I think we could have a much better relationship. If dna testing proved he wasn't mine I wouldn't disown him or even tell him. But the relationship would continue to be strained.

In the end what do you really hope to accomplish? Will the results change how you view him? You've both thought you were blood-related for so many years so unless you're planning on cutting him out of your will I don't know what you expect to happen.

DNA doesn't necessarily ensure a great relationship.

If you want to go through with this, sit down with him and have an earnest discussion about it. Be prepared that it may cause more strain on your relationship. But who knows, he may go along with it willingly so that he'll know the truth as well.

Miss Helpful · May 19, 2009, 01:58 PM

You will know if someone is your son if you wait to get married to have sex. Shame on you.

nikosmom · May 19, 2009, 02:01 PM

Originally Posted by Miss Helpful

You will know if someone is your son if you wait to get married to have sex. Shame on you.

Did you even read the question? Apparently not. The OP said he was married. Not that it has anything to do with his concern.

Please refrain from posting if you have nothing helpful to add and haven't even bothered reading the original post.

liz28 · May 19, 2009, 04:46 PM

Okay you stated regardless of the outcome you wouldn't disown your son so why even take the test?

I understand the relationship with your son isn't perfect now but wasn't you the one raising him from birth? Wasn't you the one he called dad? If the relationship with your son wasn't strained would you be thinking about a dna test?

My daughter looks nothing like me or her dad and she has her own personality so don't think he isn't yours because he doesn' look nor act like you.

Also, if this issue consumed you so much why didn't you get one years ago? Especially if you knew your wife was out playing the field.

I just someone get the feeling your putting so much thought into because you and your son relationship isn't so great.

Also, you can't do a sneak DNA on your son. If he got sense he is going know what is up once a doctor say open your mouth so he or she can get a sample.

Try to rebuild a relationship with your son. Btw, are you and your wife still together?

nikosmom · May 19, 2009, 05:00 PM

Originally Posted by liz28

Btw, are you and your wife still together?

Nah, he said they divorced over 30 yrs ago. So this son is good and grown.

YeloDasy · May 19, 2009, 05:42 PM

Your son has one father, and that is you. YOu took on that role many years ago. You are all he has. You married your wife, you had sex with her, you could have children with her. If she fooled around, you stuck around. Now there is an innocent person here... you strained the relationship, you need to mend it. It should not take a DNA test to do that. If you love him, you will want the best for him, you will care for him, you will want to see him happy, and you will be his role model. Who cares if he is your DNA. He is your son. You are his father. DO you want him to remember you this way? Or do you want to have a good relationship?

My guess is you want a good relationship. Otherwise you not even be in this situation. So make it happen. You have to change your thinking. Make your life what YOU want out of it. Again, you have a son who loves you and wants a father! Be there for him. Every bopy deserves to feel love from his dad.

Fr_Chuck · May 19, 2009, 05:53 PM

What do you hope to prove from it, do you wish to leave him out of the will perhaps.

To be honest after 30 years you are the child's father

LearningAsIGo · May 29, 2009, 12:12 PM

After all these years, you can still turn things around. Reach out to him... you are the only father he's ever known. Its never too late to work on the quality of your relationship with him.

You must love him, despite the doubt. Let the past go and live for the future. :)