[Mrs Woman]

I have been married for 16 years and have a son aged 14 and a daughter of 11. Although we still live together my husband and myself have had many problems in the past but have stuck together. We don't sleep in the same room and have more of a 'mate' relationship.

My problem is my son. He is a lovely, bright, caring 14-year-old boy with a heart of gold and although he struggled for a few years, is now doing really well at school. He keeps out of trouble and teachers and other people have commented on what a lovely polite boy he is. However, at home he is the complete opposite - not all the time, but when he gets into a mood he is like the devil, he calls names and is very abusive, he normally gets himself grounded and loses privileges and after a week or so he is calm again and things go back to normal.

But what I have noticed more and more is that he seems to have absolutely no respect whatsoever for his father. If he is rude to me he will apologise eventually, I have seen the way he looks and know that he feels bad. We have a good chat and get things sorted. We have a good relationship I guess. But he seems to despise his father more and more as he gets older, he has absolutely no fear of him at all and has often said if he lays a finger on him he will hit him back! They argue like mad!

What I will say is that his father has a pretty aggressive manner, he 'barks' at my son rather then talk and his excuse is that he is angry with him - I don't believe in this attitude, as far as I'm concerned he is still a child and needs us so we should try and support him and not take his bad moods personally. They disagree on everything, my husband does not trust him and thinks everything that comes out of his mouth is a lie - even though our son has proved us wrong time and time again, he just won't trust him.

A few years ago my husband was quite a heavy drinker and would often come home legless and there were many times things got out of hand and there would be violence - between the 2 of us rather then on the children. He no longer drinks but is very moody most of the time. He has been out of work for 4 years now and uses every excuse in the book not to work. This puts a tremendous amount of stress on me, I work part time and pay all the bills etc. My son throws the fact that his dad has no job in his face at every argument. I am also now wondering whether my son remembers the 'bad' times when his dad was always drunk, this was when he was up the age of around 8 or 9, the worst being when he was 5/6. My mum thinks this has a lot to do with it and that my son is 'paying him back' for all the bad times.

Even if I am telling my son off and his dad says something out of hand to me, my son will immediately jump in and defend me. Even if we have had a row and he has sworn he will not speak to me or his dad he will always come to me with a kiss goodbye and say sorry but never his dad.

The thing is he is not a bad boy in general; he does well in school and is not one to hang around the streets or with the wrong crowd – as far as I know all his friends are pretty nice kids. But I am now terrified that he will change for the worse – I have visions of him running away from home because of the constant conflict with his father, or something worse. I am just waiting for a phone call from the school to say he hasn't turned up or has got into some sort of trouble.

The thing is I know deep down I should have thrown his father out years ago when things were really bad, he made our life hell and was violent. But he did make an effort and stopped drinking but now he just won't work so the pressure is still there but in another way.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated I’m at my wits end :(
Is my mum right? Does my son remember things and is paying his dad back?

[LUNAGODDESS]

I been there and understand your situation... this is going to be painful but I write this for the support of you... never have your child disrespect their parent... it is best when they become adults and understand the situation better... they will end up blaming you for the problems in their life... for one reason... it is your fault in not leaving or having their father leave in the place.. I understand the financial reasoning could be behave your allowing him to stay... I support that opinion.. after all you have children... now that he is out of work and I hope through no fault of his own... you are considering leaving him or kicking him out of a house that both names are on the mortgage... problem will develop from an already angry man... he truly does not care about the situation that his is causing his family... if he did he would be getting help to support those efforts of his... what is it you can do about the family problem... talk the situation over with the children... your daughter will side with the father and considers any efforts on your part demeaning of her father... and will dislike you for awhile... or until she understands the situation and views it with a mature eye and mind... your son will continue with conflict with his father... this could lead to extra pressure on your son for the male needs to prove himself powerful and extraordinary will be his guiding force to prove who is the alpha male of the household... you will never forget the problems... women usually blame themselves...

So first get out the blame game it is not your problem... it is your husband and he needs to go somewhere to get his anger issues (and others) under control.

Do not create an atmosphere of hostility for the man... so stop the children from showing disrespect

Create a daughter day for your child... tell her that she should not accept disrespect in any form... from any man... that would include humor... for humor in many cases is a disguised of something deeper.

Let your son know that getting angry at the helpless is not productive... in many cases abusing are a learned response... do your best to discourage negative behavior... have conversations about women and men relationship... of courses start slow until you reach an understanding that your children can take a more mature outlook on life... it is coming soon.. usually hits at 12...

You take some time out yourself... go for a walk... talk on the computer with experts... this usually helps... create yourself a supportive community... hear the good , the bad and the down right I just you did not express that It me... these things are find... I know I will try to use discernment in my response... for behind some experts are some that know more... keep in touch and let us know what is going on...

I have a feeling there is a little more you want to express... eyes and hears and mouths are wide opened... Humor good for the soul... if it hurts a feeling do not allow it to continue... worry more about the children... stop the cycle of abuse of all kinds... begin with children... for I fear it has already begun...

The husband /father his problems are his own... focus on your children... if he is awake he will notice and do something positive about his situation...

Never ask some one to tell you to leave... that decision is yours to make and at the right time for you...

[s_cianci]

I think so. I think you have identified the basic problem at hand. He is angry and resentful towards his father for his past "indiscretions" (that's putting it kindly) and he makes no bones about it. Obviously your husband doesn't have good communication skills, at least not where your son is concerned and that compounds the problem as well.

[Crybaby9112001]

I know this must be hard for because you must feel that you are in the middle... it is normal for your son to show his anger in what his father did but it is not normal the way he is letting it out... Unfortuantlly this is a problem that the father and son have to resolve on there own. Your husband needs to understand that he is the role model and even though he has made mistakes in the past it doesn't change the fact that he is the father and the Mentor for his son. Try and tell the father to go out with his son for a weekend or two... anywhere. When the father goes to the store or to the park have your son go with him to give them time alone together... slowly your son will have to talk to him and see him for who he is now. Understand that if you husband is the controlling type then your son knows this by now and will just have a wall up now and is ready to explode when the father is there... give them time alone so that your son isn't so attached to you and protective... it will give them time to think about a lot of things.

[J_9]

Read your post again. It sounds as though you already know how to resolve the problem. The answer really is in your post.

Now on to your son and husband. Your son acts the way he acts because his father taught him to. Yes, he is resentful, and in my opinion, has every right to be.

I can't believe you work only part time and your husband has not worked for 4 years. I am wondering if your husband is extremely depressed. The actions that I am reading of your husband represent the actions of a depressed person.

I believe your husband and son may need some counseling. BTW how is the effecting your 11 year old daughter?

[bhayne]

A child (especially a boy) with a bad father is 100X better than a child with no father.

Threatening to hit his father is much easier than actually doing the dead. That is because, deep inside, the conscience play a big role. You'll discover that your son will become like your husband- it just happens. So if you want to help your son, you must go to the source- help your husband!

If you lose your husband and your boy turns bad, you'll find yourself saying, 'he's just like his dad."

[jalnia]

I think now days WAAAAY too many people think it is okay to "stick it out" for the children. Children come to us as blank slates. If you show a child through your behaviors that it is okay to live in a disfunctional state, then how can you expect a child to function properly? Do you really want your son, or your daughter for that matter, to live their adult years in a family such as you have shown them? If not maybe it's time to take a deeper look.

This is reaching, but have you thought possibly your husband being mad at you has led to his aggressive behavior towards the children? This is no excuse for his behavior, but maybe you are contributing.

Parenting is very hard and requires much sacrifice, but the result of a healthy functioning adult is priceless. It can also be painful at times because it requires us to reflect on our shortcomings, and make the proper adjustments.