[Tphi]

:oI have been with my husband for 9 years. When we were dating I made it clear to him that I am aware that men look at porn and I can accept it if that is something he is going to do. I also explained to him at that time that it will cause problems between us if he chose to hide or lie to me about it for the simple fact that it would make me wonder what else he may hide or lie to me about. He knew that I was not a very trusting person because of what I had been through growing up. We lived together for about 3 years before I discovered he was looking at porn. When I found out, immediately I was very upset and luckily he was not home so I had time to cool off and talk to him instead of going off on him. When he came home, I told him that I found porn and I needed to know why he lied to me about it for so long. Why he made me think that he never needed porn? The conversation quickly turned into an argument because he was being so defensive and getting mad at me like I did something wrong. Finally when he calmed down, he finally confessed that he was afraid of what I would think of him and I had to remind him of the conversation we had we were dating. I told him that we are both human and have needs. If he feels the need to look at porn, then look at it, jerk away.. lol. I further told him that I want to believe he loves me and does not wish to be with anyone else, just because he masturbated or watched porn while he did it, that does not mean he does not love me, that is, if he is doing it because he has to do it, but when it keeps him from doing for me what I do for him that means we do have a problem with our relationship. He did not agree that we had a problem. I told him well, it is a problem because he lost my trust and if he loves me I need to know what he wants to do to gain it back. He understood where I was coming from and he told me he won't look at it anymore. I tried to tell him that is not what I wanted to hear, all I wanted to hear was I won't lie or hide anything from you from here out, but he insisted to make that promise as well. I said fine we shouldn't have any problems if that is what happens and there should be no need for him to erase any history on our computer... Well, here I am seven years later and we still have the same issue. Honestly I am scared to know how deep the rabbit hole goes on this one. I wonder if he knows he has a fetish that he knows I would not get down with. In that case, why is he still with me? We have off and on through the years argued over this issue, he tells me one thing and does another, I am still with him because we really don't have any other problems... nothing is perfect, we have our battles... pretty normal ones I think. However, when I have explained myself to him over and over... I know by now, he understands that I only get mad if he tells me he won't or does not watch porn and then he does, or I find out he was spending time watching porn after I fell asleep at night when we both have to go to work the next day and I have to spend half an hour trying to wake him up in the morning putting me into an unnecessary rush to work, or I come home and the house is a mess (he doesn't help out) because he was alone and took advantage of that time to masturbate instead of helping me out. He is still trying to convince me that he doesn't not look at porn and I know he does now (again), but I would have believed him again about 3 months ago. Very recently I just got a brand new laptop.. it is supposed to hold up to 20 days of history on it and 2 nights ago, after I fell asleep, he was up all night on it... he asked me for my password just last night to get into Internet properties "because he had a problem connecting to the internet"... I didn't give him my password.. I signed in and then gave him the laptop... my history was cleared out at that time last night. It is pretty obvious, not to mention I seen he went to brazziersmobile.com on his blackberry and the time stamp was when he was home with me. It is not like we never have sex... this past year has been on the light side because I have been working and going to school, but I am never cold to him. Outside of the porn issues, I would say we have a good sexual relationship and before I was going to college I think we had a great sexual relationship and he told me he thought the same thing, but he still looks at porn when he could be with me or when he should be doing something else. At this point, I want to go on just not caring about the whole thing because we have made it this far, I don't think he has cheated or wants to cheat on me.. I really do believe he loves me and I know I love him.. but how do I get him to just not lie about it? I have even went as far as telling him I would be willing to watch it with him, but he doesn't want to watch anything with me. I am out of ways to go about building this bridge with my husband. I don't want to go through this with him again. The conversation is old, but I can't escape my feelings, I am hurt when I find out he lies. After 9 years.. I know what he looks like when he is lying and he thinks I am clueless. I have always been an open book to him.. I don't expect him to tell me every detail... just be honest. I am hoping to hear back about my issues.. I am hoping I hear that this is common and I really don't have anything to worry about, if that is the case I will learn to deal with my feelings, but if I have a serious problem on my hands... I have no way to know. I have no one to talk to about this. Please help?

[Jake2008]

He's been looking at porn for 9 years now. You know he looks at porn, he knows you know he looks at porn. You want him to be honest about it.

Just what do you expect him to do. Report to you when he does? Why do you need to know when he looks at porn at all, if it's okay with you anyway.

I think you need to get over this control thing you have going on with this non-issue, in my opinion.

Would he have to report to you every time he read a Playboy magazine too?

Maybe he just wants his privacy, and doesn't want to have to feel like a schoolboy getting caught with his finger in the cookie jar.

If it isn't an issue, and right from the getgo before you married him, you said it was okay with you, he is not breaking a confidence. This thing you have with him being honest about it, only suggests that you want to know when he does it.

Maybe if you didn't make it an issue, he wouldn't feel the need to hide it.

[bronzebabe]

I totally agree with Jake 2008. You KNEW he looked at porn, he is STILL looking at porn. You aren't his mother OR drill sergent, so why is he having to okay it with you everytime he looks at it? That's silly. You knew he did it, why is this an issue?
Stop thinking about the porn as an issue. It's there, he's a human male, and he's gonna look at it.
He loves you, he married you. It's not really about you.
There are bigger things for you to worry about.

[Catsmine]

Yes, dear.

I got up at 4:00 and took care of the dogs, made coffee, and signed on. I looked at seven porn websites and 9 thumbnail pages. I then updated the business mail and signed on to AMHD. I spent two hours there and then my wife woke up.

Now you know more than my wife does. She's happy, are you?

[Gemini54]

Look, I think that lots of women seek this fantasy of perfection in their relationships, although like you they deny it.

You say that you have a good marriage, that your sex life is good, that apart from this porn issue you're happy. Well, be happy. Stop living in a fantasy - nothing is perfect, but you know that.

Give thanks for what you have - does he belittle you, beat you, drink too much, have sex with other women? No, he looks at porn. It's a fact of life and it's not a big deal.

Just let him have his porn. He's with you, he loves you, he's proved his worth over your marriage. You don't have to control him. He doesn't have to tell you what sites he accesses.

Stop obsessing. You'll destroy what you have. Let him be and give yourself a break. You'll be a lot happier - and so will he.

[stevetcg]

So let me see - YOU can have a password protected computer that he is not allowed access to... but you want everything about HIS adventures to be open? Doesn't sound fair to me.

Do you read romance novels? Watch soaps? Watch romance shows (Bachelor, etc?) Cause they have often been likened to porn for women. Its all fantasy.

If you have an issue with porn (and you do, despite what you are telling him), its your issue not his. If you truly didn't have an issue with it, he wouldn't feel the need to hide it and you wouldn't feel the need to snoop on him.

[DoulaLC]

I think you really would rather he didn't look at porn but since you gave the OK when you first married, you are now caught dealing with your emotions over it. I think you would still not like it even if he gave you a record of each time it was viewed. Deep down you would still wonder why he feels the need to view it when he could be with you, or doing something else. Part of you acknowledges and understands that some men look at porn, but another part of you really wishes your husband wasn't one of them.

Maybe you ok'ed it because you were hoping you could really become OK with it, maybe it was an attempt to get over what the issues were in the past that you had experienced.
There is nothing wrong with not liking him looking at porn, the problem comes from telling him that it was OK with you in the first place. Either you truly are, or you aren't.

If you don't like it, then tell him... if you had thought that you would be OK with it and now realize that you really aren't, speak up and tell him.

[smoothy]

You know this is HIS sapce... so to speak. Do you tell him everything you do, everyone you see and everything you say? Or watch on TV, do you watch soap operas... examine your feelings when you watch them... do you watch movies? Tell me you don't like certain actors and that they don't elicit an emotional response from you ever?

Starting to see my point here... Some things just are... guys like viewing porn... It doesn't matter if you are a supermodel or not. It has nothing to do about you...

And unless you are willing to account for every moment of your day... and everyone you speak with during that day to him, then WHY should he do it to you?

MOST people get pretty darn touchy when someone makes demands of them as to what they can and can't do... or has to account for everything they do. After all being an adult means you don't have to anymore.

If however you wish to create issues... friction and discontent in your marriage... procede as you have been. You will eventually find yourself in an unhappy marriage with a man who resents you, or divorced.

[DoulaLC]

You know this is HIS sapce....so to speak. Do you tell him everything you do, everyone you see and everything you say? Or watch on TV, do you watch soap operas....examine your feelings when you watch them....do you watch movies? Tell me you don't like certain actors and that they don't elicit an emotional response from you ever?

I agree to a degree, but there is a fair amount of difference between porn and soap operas as well as the sort of response most are likely to get from an actor on a television program or movie compared to those in porn simply by its very nature... otherwise, what would be the point of viewing it?

[Synnen]

Doula, the difference is this:

Porn is the kind of fantasy that men have about the sexual side of relationships. Maybe it's nothing more than a fantasy, but it's still a fantasy.

Romance novels/soaps are the fantasies that women have about the emotional/romantic side of relationships. Again, maybe it's nothing more than fantasy, but it's still there.

Expecting real women to be like porn stars is JUST as unreasonable as expecting real men to be like the heroes in soaps/romances.

[smoothy]

I agree to a degree, but there is a fair amount of difference between porn and soap operas as well as the sort of response most are likely to get from an actor on a television program or movie compared to those in porn simply by its very nature....otherwise, what would be the point of viewing it?

Not really, women may want to believe that buit its not true at all. Women and men are not wired the same way... and I've personally seen enough women's reaction to Brad Pitt, and George Clooney to know I'm dead on with that assessment. Same with soap operas... Guys are yeyed by what they see visually... woman work the emotional end of things which is exactly what most soap operas or romance novels do. Same response just that the stimuli for men and women are different.

[DoulaLC]

It is dealing with the sexual fanstasy that causes many couples problems, especially when one is not happy about it such as the OP.

I would hazard to guess that few relationships are broken up over the woman reading romance novels compared to those that end due to a partners desire to view porn.

Many woman naturally feel comparisons are being made because that is a major way in how women are viewed... by their looks.

If both people are comfortable with it, there is no issue at all. However, since the op is not comfortable with it, then it needs to be addressed. If a partner continues a behavior that they know causes the other to be upset about, that is a concern. In this case, she said she was fine with it, but apparently is not, so it needs to be discussed between them.

[smoothy]

It is dealing with the sexual fanstasy that causes many couples problems, especially when one is not happy about it such as the OP.

I would hazard to guess that few relationships are broken up over the woman reading romance novels compared to those that end due to a partners desire to view porn.

Many woman naturally feel comparisons are being made because that is a major way in how women are viewed...by their looks.

If both people are comfortable with it, there is no issue at all. However, since the op is not comfortable with it, then it needs to be addressed. If a partner continues a behavior that they know causes the other to be upset about, that is a concern. In this case, she said she was fine with it, but apparently is not, so it needs to be discussed between them.

If guys got as anal retentive about romance novels as many women are about guys seeing another female body... you would have the taliban running the world and the only fashion Industry that would exist would be the Burlap sack industry.

[DoulaLC]

Not really, women may want to believe that buit its not true at all. Women and men are not wired the same way....and I've personally seen enough womens reaction to Brad Pitt, and George Clooney to know I'm dead on with that assesment. Same with soap operas...Guys are yeyed by what they see visually...woman work the emotional end of things which is exactly what most soap operas or romance novels do. Same response just that the stimuli for men and women are different.

Sorry, I just don't see them as the same thing. I don't think women are watching his movies because they are turned on by him and because they get aroused by watching him, they watch his movies because they think he is a good actor and attractive. If he was a lousy actor, (which some may already think so) no one would watch. The fantasy may be a response to the viewing but unlike porn it is not sought out for that reason.


Porn is designed to elicit a sexual response... Brad Pitt movies are not. Put him in a porn movie, then sure... it would be expected. People can be, and often are, lousy actors, but that is not what they are being viewed for. The reasons for watching are different.

I guess we will have to just agree to disagree... :)

[Synnen]

Let's not turn this into ANOTHER debate about porn, please.

Keep in mind the OP's original question.

Personally, I think the issue is that she can't trust him because he SAYS he won't look at porn, and then looks at it anyway.

I'd say that if he can't just say, "Okay, I occasionally look at porn" and leave it at that, then there will CONTINUE to be an issue in this relationship. He doesn't have to REPORT to her, but he shouldn't LIE about it, either.

[Justwantfair]

You want him to be honest about looking at porn...

Then you turn around and have all these rules about when porn would be acceptable to you. Like only when you aren't available and only if there isn't anything else he can be helping with around the house, only if he will get up without your half an hour of effort to get him out of bed in the morning...

My gosh, I am a female and I couldn't live will all the conditions of being allowed to masterbate. Either you accept it or you don't, there isn't a both sides. I accept it only if you are honest about porn and if you only do it when I think it's acceptable.

Everything else in your life is going well. Let go of the small things. Weigh what the real issue is here. You feel insecure that porn is more important to him then you are. That really isn't what porn is means to a relationship. Why not incorporate porn into the bedroom once in a while. Education about porn is the best solution to tolerance/enjoyment of porn, not as a threat to a relationship.