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Cdnlady4 · May 17, 2009, 06:16 PM

My boyfriend and I had a serious fight. He won't talk to or see me, and gets angry if I try approaching him. I apologized to no end, but he asked "is this what you think I want? That I want you to be submissive?". So I've tried to avoid contacting him. I want to so much though, to tell him what he means to me. This man means everything to me, so what has happened is killing me. We live together and I see him every single day. He moved into his parents place after this happened. I want him to come back!
One of the things that came out when I tried talking to him on the phone a couple days ago, just to see how he's doing, is that he needs "distance". He then said, because I had called him, that I'm not "respecting the distance."
My question is... if I send him an email, one he doesn't have to reply to, is that considered "not respecting the distance" too? I love him, and I need him to know that, and to know where he stands. I figure if I send him a message telling him how I feel, that maybe, if he's on the fence about me, he'll come back.

Wondergirl · May 17, 2009, 06:21 PM

He knows you love him. Leave him alone. Absolutely NO CONTACT! If you can do that, it will show him you are not a wimpy, whiny, needy little girl.

Gemini54 · May 17, 2009, 06:54 PM

Look, he's asked for distance. You're feeling crazed and desperate and you want him to know how you feel. I can understand that.

But. And it's a big but. By contacting him you are disrespecting his request. Let him figure out what he needs to. He'll respect you much more if you leave him alone. Sometimes respect is more important than love.

I know it's uncomfortable and scary, but sometimes we just have to sit with the discomfort and feel it. Sometimes we have to respect what other people want of us. Be mature and exercise restraint.

IWHO · May 17, 2009, 06:58 PM

Very good response... very wise...

Cdnlady4 · May 17, 2009, 07:32 PM

Ohh. :( So basically, even if it takes a week, a month, whatever, under no circumstances should I contact him, I have to let him come to me if I want him to stay? It's already been a week... :(

JoeCanada76 · May 17, 2009, 07:34 PM

Yes, Even if it has been a week.

There is no guarantee either way. He might come back, he might not. You push too much, that will push him away further. There needs to be that fine balance. Respect his need to have his distance.

Joe

Gemini54 · May 17, 2009, 08:42 PM

Originally Posted by Cdnlady4

Ohh. :( So basically, even if it takes a week, a month, whatever, under no circumstances should I contact him, I have to let him come to me if I want him to stay? It's already been a week... :(

Try and remember that it's about him, not about you. Yea, it's hard, but it's important that you respect what he has requested of you. By contacting him you will be trying to control the outcome, over which you can actually have no control. You'll feel better if you stop trying to control what's happening.

Romefalls19 · May 18, 2009, 05:54 AM

He wants space, give it to him or you will push him even farther away

No EMAILS!

kctiger · May 18, 2009, 06:27 AM

This is an interesting situation that always begs the question: How long are you supposed to wait around while he calms down?

What did you two get into a fight about that was so serious and so life altering that he had to move to his parents for awhile? Giving him what he asked for is of course the right move, but at what point does it become a bit too much? It has been a week already, which seems a bit extreme if it goes any longer. This is life, you don't just get to take a time out whenever an argument or some other thing gets in the way of happiness.

talaniman · May 18, 2009, 07:38 AM

I agree with KC, it must have been one doozy of a fight, to send him packing that way, in which case the No Contact is permanent and you need to move on.

Cdnlady4 · May 18, 2009, 10:22 AM

That's just it, that's what I want to know is, how long do I wait? I don't want to wait forever, but I don't want to give up on him yet either. So how much space is normal?
The fights never are about anything big, that's just it.
He made a comment that if I ever got pregnant he'd leave me. He's a big family man, so that comment really shocked me, and I said 'seriously? You would?' He said 'yeah, I don't need another B*** around ruining my life' (he had an ex-gf that he stayed with longer than he should because she got pregnant, and he stayed for the kids). And I said 'seriously, I can't believe you would do that.' Then he got mad, and said 'you really think I would do that? That I'd walk out on my own kid, abandon it?! ' I said 'no, so why did you say that? Why, if you were joking, would you joke about a thing like that?' He said 'stop, just stop, you're pms-ing, stop before you make it worse.' So I bit my tongue and said nothing. Then he said 'i honestly have no idea what I would do.' And he went silent and was very angry. I left, and then a few minutes later I came back and said 'you're right, I'm sorry, I'm pms-ing, I wasn't thinking.' And that's when he threw the submissive comment at me (the one I mentioned in my original post). Then he became very angry and silent, I kept apologizing, saying I'm sorry. He wouldn't say a thing to me, and gave me the silent treatment for the next few days. Then after a few days of the silent treatment, I tried talking to him about normal things, just to see if he'd snap out of it, and that's when he packed up and moved out.
I don't understand. :( I regret the conversation, I should've just let it go when he first said it, instead of responding, and none of this would have happened. I can't believe I was so stupid. I think the conversation set him off because his ex is trying to make everyone think he's a deadbeat dad when he's not (he sees his kids as much as she will allow, never misses a payment, never misses a school function or family function, etc.), and that's one of his biggest fears is that he is one, so maybe it hit a nerve? But then I don't understand why he doesn't just say so. Or why it's become this.

talaniman · May 18, 2009, 11:03 AM

Yeah you hit a nerve all right, but it has nothing to do with you, just his past baggage. You said your sorry, and he chose to act like an idiot, so you got some insights into him that shows his true character, and how he handles things.

Not very well in my opinion, and why I strongly advise you let him go. Hurts now but in time, you'll see its for the best.

Don't be confused, be glad that now you know.