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artistgirl · May 16, 2009, 08:16 PM

I'm newly married and have to initiate intimacy with my husband 99% of the time. It's frustrating. I try to figure it out. Is it my appearance, my attitude, his stress, his work, money problems? He does yoga everyday and is very calm and even-tempered, so once he told me he has just always controlled his emotions... I've talked to him about it and he says it's his problem and that we will fix it. After talking about it, the next few days get better but then the cycle starts again. We could go weeks without sex and he'd be completely OK with it. Sometimes if I try to initiate sex or make him in the mood, he just tries to ignore it and goes do something else. I'm 24 and he's 26. I thought guys his age were supposed to want sex!

Apparently, lots of married couples have this problem?

Catsmine · May 17, 2009, 04:27 AM

Do y'all have stress, money problems, etc. My first thought is that he has fallen for all the political correctness hype about date rape and marital rape and the "any and all sex is rape" BS.

Do y'all want kids? If you're not using contraception he might think he's not ready to be Daddy yet.

Does you asking excite him? Might be a subconscious kink here.

One thing is certain. It is no longer just "his problem." Y'all are a partnership, a team, now. If it affects one it affects the other. Be subtle, us guys have fragile egos, but start working toward more "we" and less "him and her."

letmetellu · May 17, 2009, 12:50 PM

What was the sexual activity like when you were dating. If you did have sex did you see then any of this type of action.

If he was really after you all the time to have sex while you were dating and it has changed now I can see that maybe something has changed and needs to be worked on but if he was this way while dating it is possible that he is one of those people that just does not have a strong sex drive.

I think I would try to have him be evaluated by a Dr. Maybe he does not know himself why he is this way.

taoplr · May 17, 2009, 01:52 PM

Originally Posted by artistgirl

I'm newly married and have to initiate intimacy with my husband 99% of the time. It's frustrating. I try to figure it out. Is it my appearance, my attitude, his stress, his work, money problems? He does yoga everyday and is very calm and even-tempered, so once he told me he has just always controlled his emotions...I've talked to him about it and he says it's his problem and that we will fix it. After talking about it, the next few days get better but then the cycle starts again. We could go weeks without sex and he'd be completely ok with it. Sometimes if I try to initiate sex or make him in the mood, he just tries to ignore it and goes do something else. I'm 24 and he's 26. I thought guys his age were supposed to want sex!

Apparently, lots of married couples have this problem??

Yes, lots of married couples have similar problems. They get used to each other and the thrill of discovery goes away. But that shouldn't happen to newlyweds.

Consider the possibility that your hubby might have overdone his emotional control. His default state could be some form of "trained stillness" which keeps him from initiating sex or responding to your overtures. Left alone, he might just "be there" with no sexual charge. The question is, what is his natural state? (yes, 26 year-old guys are typically horny.)

Did you have lots of passion before you were married? Others here have asked you that, and it is relevant. If you both did, he might be caught up in an idea about marriage that cools of his sexuality.

When you do have sex, what is his level of excitement? Does he control himself or let go? Does he try to control his ejaculation?

Finally, do you flirt, play, joke, tease, hint, and otherwise engage in mind games that make turning each other on more probable. You obviously have more charge than he does, but what is the dynamic between you?

Tao