14 and out?

Angrychair · Apr 14, 2009, 08:35 PM

There is more to this than I am saying. Trust me I am keeping this in play for very good reasons. My wife is possession and money driven and without going into too much detail she would have the upper hand financially if we were to divorce and then she would have free range to do whatever she wanted with my daughter. I am well aware that this is a dangerous situation but I have very good reasons to keep her as close as I can for now.

Jake2008 · Apr 14, 2009, 08:41 PM

OK, I thought there must be behind the scenes power plays going on. I don't want to know the detail, I just hope that things are moving along legally for you to protect yourself and assets.

Angrychair · Apr 14, 2009, 08:47 PM

Im not sure what a legal separation is. I think this may be a viable option at this point.
I have heard this mentioned several times. I hate to sound ignorant but my lawyer only discussed divorce

Jake2008 · Apr 14, 2009, 08:52 PM

You need to get your lawyer to explain the laws applicable to your State. It does vary.

Tips for Filing Legal Marriage Separation - Associated Content

N0help4u · Apr 15, 2009, 05:18 AM

Yeap I would do the legal separation AND specify NO CONTACT as long as she wants somebody else. Then later take it a step further (divorce) if necessary.

talaniman · Apr 15, 2009, 06:54 AM

She makes more money?? Make her pay child support, or maintenance.

Angrychair · Apr 15, 2009, 09:37 PM

For some reason today has been especially hard to deal with. I guess it is reality setting in that it is truly over. I called her today to discuss the plans with my daughters school and I heard "The other man" in the background my heart sank so low then I finally got it she is GONE. I don't think that I can shake this feeling of loneliness I miss her more than ever.

artlady · Apr 15, 2009, 09:59 PM

Originally Posted by Angrychair

For some reason today has been especially hard to deal with. I guess it is reality setting in that it is truly over. I called her today to discuss the plans with my daughters school and I heard "The other man" in the background my heart sank so low then I finally got it she is GONE. I dont think that I can shake this feeling of loneliness I miss her more than ever.

Now that you have accepted what she has been showing you ,you can begin the work you need to do to get your life back.

It isn't easy and it sucks but believe me ,it is better than being used as someone doormat and being emotionally abused.

You have shown incredible patience and strength,now you must show those things to yourself.

Angrychair · Apr 16, 2009, 05:07 AM

Healing, how do you begin to recover from this. What do you need to do to make this deep agonizing pain stop. I thought earlier when I began these posts that I was semi strong enough to weather this, now I know that I am not. I know people around me are sick of hearing my sob story.

N0help4u · Apr 16, 2009, 06:08 AM

You need moral support and encouragement from friends and family. Take the necessary steps to put her in the past and find new friends, hobbies and groups that can help you start a new life.
I know it is easier said than done but you can't lie around crying while she is out living it up. In the end she could end up with everything if you don't fight for your own.

We aren't sick of it... you can always come here.

Justwantfair · Apr 16, 2009, 06:59 AM

Originally Posted by Angrychair

Healing, how do you begin to recover from this. What do you need to do to make this deep agonizing pain stop. I thought earlier when I began these posts that I was semi strong enough to weather this, now I know that I am not. I know people around me are sick of hearing my sob story.

No one in here is sick of hearing your "sob story". Your emotions will be all over the place for a while. You have just lost someone important to you. You will alternate from strong to weak, until your weak time lessen and your stronger times are greater.

We have all been through a break up, we have all felt the pain you are going through. We will provide all of the emotional support that we can. Continue to vent and also take a look around the site at other break-up and relationship posts, you will see you are not alone and there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

I feel sorry for your situation. We are all hoping for the best and I personally know the healing process in just talking about it and feeling heard.

DoulaLC · Apr 16, 2009, 08:23 AM

It is literally a grieving process... and there is no time frame for that. You will have good days, where you feel sure of yourself and confident in your decisions... and bad days, where the feelings are still raw and you feel like you are backsliding.

Allow yourself to have those moments where you just can't be strong all of the time. "Talk" on here, find a friend who will just listen when you need to purge the hurt and anger, write things down, whatever you feel helps.

As Justwantfair said, the hard times will slowly start to diminish and the stronger times will increase.

Unfortunately there is no quick fix... some people will forge ahead quickly, others will find they slip back and forth for awhile, but you will make it through... you will start to feel more of those stronger moments, and your heart will start to heal.

Talking to others who have gone down that path before you can be very helpful... they know what you are feeling, they know what you can expect, and they know how it feels to move forward. A part of it will always be with you, it's another dimension to who you will become, but in time you will be able to see the lessons that can be learned from the relationship and the experience.

For now, in this early stage, focus on taking care of your basic needs, spend time with family and friends, and sort out what you need to financially and so forth.

DoulaLC · Apr 16, 2009, 08:34 AM

>>>>artlady agrees: The first days are sometimes just about being able to get out of bed.

Definitely... I remember those days very well...

Justwantfair · Apr 16, 2009, 08:43 AM

Originally Posted by DoulaLC

Definitely....I remember those days very well........

Somedays I didn't. It's so difficult, but you find a way and you remember those people who depend on you and you just keep moving forward.

Time to learn to love yourself again. :D Plus what a wonderful time to spend all the quality time with your child(ren).

I hope he is listening. I hope that you are getting your financial situation straightened out and ready for that legal separation. The sooner you can stop contact the sooner you can start healing. Every contact is a new, fresh wound to be dealt with.

artlady · Apr 16, 2009, 08:52 AM

Originally Posted by Angrychair

Healing, how do you begin to recover from this. What do you need to do to make this deep agonizing pain stop. I thought earlier when I began these posts that I was semi strong enough to weather this, now I know that I am not. I know people around me are sick of hearing my sob story.

Believe me,no one is turning away from you here.We are not sick of anything.

How you make the agonizing pain stop is sometimes ,one minute at a time.You just have to put one foot in front of the other and take baby steps.Try to eat well,try to get out and exercise.As has been said,right now just functioning on a basic level is hard and so all you can expect from yourself right now is being able to keep yourself afloat.

I know the feeling of walking zombie like through life,thinking how can the birds still sing,how is life going on outside when everything inside is dead.

Come here and share you pain and confusion and I think now would also be a good time to share with your friends and family.Let them know what you are going through.

Don't try to tackle everything at once.Be patient with yourself and know that this will pass.I promise.

Jake2008 · Apr 16, 2009, 09:01 AM

I agree that the support is very important, and the ups and downs will be enormous for some time. It is not easy letting go.

That being said, I worry that the lack of effort to protect yourself legally is perpetuating the dream that she will come back, and things will be okay.

Remember that anything you do to protect yourself now, should she come back and you accept her, can be undone.

I think yourself esteem and confidence will grow when you have at least a legal separation in hand. That sets some boundaries and distance between you, and that is a good start.

Angrychair · Apr 18, 2009, 03:25 PM

I brought her some items that she left behind and saw her. It has been a week and now and I had a heavy heart seeing her. She looked fantastic and seemed happy to see me I can't explain the joy and sorry I had at the same time. I need serious mental help

DoulaLC · Apr 18, 2009, 03:39 PM

I'm so sorry you are having to go through this... I know it is not easy. She has already gone through some of the separation process as she has already distanced herself from the relationship through her actions. For you it is still the beginning stage.

It does get better; hard to see that just yet though. It's normal to expect some bad days along the way... many in the beginning. Sometimes it may seem as though you are on autopilot... just going through the motions... some extra sleep can be an escape right now... that is OK. At some point, you will see a difference as the healing progresses.

Do what you can to focus on your needs... spend time outdoors if that is something you enjoy, watch a movie to take yourself away for a couple of hours, get lost in a book for awhile, hang out with some friends. Speaking with your doctor or counselor can sometimes be helpful as well.

Alty · Apr 18, 2009, 03:59 PM

Originally Posted by Angrychair

I brought her some items that she left behind and saw her. It has been a week and now and I had a heavy heart seeing her. She looked fantastic and seemed happy to see me I can't explain the joy and sorry I had at the same time. I need serious mental help

I will admit that I didn't read all the posts, not enough time, but I did read the first two pages and the last. I hope I don't repeat what's already been said.

The end of a marriage is like a death, it involves grief, time, and lots of tears. This won't be a quick ordeal, it won't be something you get over overnight. In some ways the grief will always be with you, but it won't rule you forever, I promise.

She has made her bed, for better or for worse, now you have to make yours. Will you live the rest of your life mourning what you lost, or will you move on, make the best of it, find the happiness you deserve, and live!

Only you can be responsible for you, no one else. She is no longer your responsibility, only someone you're connected with through your children.

You're beginning a journey, the hardest of your life, and like any other journey, it begins with the first step. Once you take that step, there will be hurdles, there will be times when you want to turn back, not go any further, there will be hills, and obstacles, but, if you keep walking, you'll get to the end.

This site is wonderful, lots of caring people, many of whom have been in the same boat, or are in the same boat that you are in. You don't have to take the journey on your own, you have support, and we'll never tire of helping you, it's what we do.

So, whenever you feel you've reached a point that's too hard to handle on your own, then ask for help, we'll be here.

Good luck.

artlady · Apr 18, 2009, 05:45 PM

Originally Posted by Angrychair

I brought her some items that she left behind and saw her. It has been a week and now and I had a heavy heart seeing her. She looked fantastic and seemed happy to see me I can't explain the joy and sorry I had at the same time. I need serious mental help

If you feel that you need serious mental help, I agree.

You have stuffed SO MUCH that I feared for your state of mind for some time.
I think you should call your counselor and tell her how you are feeling.
I would do that real soon.
We are in your corner,I so wish I could do more to help you.

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