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Naniie_Baybee · Apr 3, 2009, 09:27 PM

Well here's my short story...
My mom and l don't agree with many, many things and she doesn't trust me at ALL.
Lm 15 and she doubts everything l do.
L try to talk to her about what's going on in my life, but it doesn't seem to be working!
My main conflict that l'm trying to get advice for, is that l want to talk to my mom about Boys and Dating. She insist that l need to do school instead of dating and lts not fair. Everyone date's at my age, there's completley NOTHING WRONG with that. Help please!

mudweiser · Apr 3, 2009, 09:40 PM

Well usually when a mom hears dating they hear, sex sex sex sex sex. So we make the common mistake of destroying the whole dating option. Perhaps this is what your mother is worried about; sex and it's responsibilities and consequences.

Trust is very iffy. You need to earn trust to get it. Have you done anything to break it? If so it's time to earn it back.

You also said you spoke with your mother, how have you spoken with her? Was it an argument and in the heat of the moment you yell out "you don't let me date- my friends all have boyfriends!" or something of the sort- well if you do, here is some news: it doesn't work like that.

Try and have a conversations with your mother [and if your father is around maybe include him in this too] in a relaxed time, not when she just came home from work or during a busy period in your home. Ask her early in the day if you can speak to her later on this afternoon before bed. If you want to be treated like an adult you have to be an adult. Although your still 15 you can be mature like an adult in which your mother will give you more privileges and enable you to do more things. If possible try having a mediator in the conversation; another relative, a pastor, a therapist, or maybe even a school councilor.

As far as dating goes, I believe that most girls are usually [most of the time] focused on boys, it's a constant thing- but then again you do have those crazy hormones. Try getting involved in after school activities [i.e. debate team, a sports team, school council, etc.], volunteer [this will help you in the future], get a part-time job, participate in community events. By focusing your time on other things you will gain responsibility, get some personal growth, make new friends and even meet a good guy that you can introduce your mom [or dad] to.

Also, when talking about dating to your mother try asking her if group dates would make her feel more comfortable. It's better to go on group dates than no dates! Plus, you also get time to enjoy the company of your friends.

Good luck to you!
MRS.S

Fr_Chuck · Apr 3, 2009, 09:46 PM

Well of course not all people date at 15, so please don't go there. As soon as any teen says "everyones doing it" all parents merely shut down for several reasons,
1. they don't care what other parents do or don't do
2. and they know it is not true

So most likely many of your close friends are dating, and you have some boy you wish to date.

At this point it is letting the parents get to know the boy ( assuming it has good character and is not that much older than you.

So going with a boy to group events, to youth activities of your religious group or things that are well supervised.

And to the other part, she is right, school is the most important things, so your grades need to be up.

Naniie_Baybee · Apr 4, 2009, 07:22 PM

Ok Thanks. That's not the rest of my life story so maybe your just not understanding (my fault.] my mom doesn't trust me for a huge problem that happened because of my father. Also, because ever since that day she disliked me in a way so now she won't let me do crap. L don't know why parents think wrong because its not always what it seems. L feel like l don't have a social life because l can't even talk to boys on the phone because she thinks bad. L always have to sneak things around and that's not helping.

Wondergirl · Apr 4, 2009, 07:37 PM

Originally Posted by Naniie_Baybee

Ok Thanks. Thats not the rest of my life story so maybe your just not understanding (my fault.] my mom doesnt trust me for a huge problem that happened because of my father. Also, because ever since that day she disliked me in a way so now she wont let me do crap. l dont know why parents think wrong because its not always what it seems. l feel like l dont have a social life because l can't even talk to boys on the phone because she thinks bad. l always have to sneak things around and thats not helping.!

So tell us what happened that your mom doesn't trust you. (And sneaking around REALLY helps your cause a lot... yeah, right.)

HelpinHere · Apr 4, 2009, 07:41 PM

It seems to me like your mom won't even let you talk to her.

One good tip I picked up, that has helped me is this:
One day, when she doesn't have work/errands/etc, and you are off to school, leave her a note.
Explain your feelings: You want to date. That you don't want to do it just because everyone else is doing it, but because you feel you are ready and need to discover yourself. (or whatever the case may be for you)
Explain to her that you wish for her to trust you, and that whatever "a huge problem that happened because of my father" doesn't affect you in that sense now, and that you feel you can move on, so she should too.
Also, mention anything else that you cannot say to her. Just when you leave/get dropped off/etc. give her the note. That way, she will have enough time to think about without all of the arguements/disagreements/etc. and you can talk to her about it in a civilized manner when you get home.

R-J-S-InLove · Apr 5, 2009, 03:27 AM

Instead of trying to tell your mother I want this I want that, first try and find out what's in her mind, there are different ways of saying the same thing, maybe if you ask for dating and stuff in a way that doesn't make your mum insecure about you and your future she'd eventually allow you to do things your way...

Try and regain her trust dear

I went through the same thing at your age, though I won't say I fully succeed but now at least my mother trusts me a lot more than what she did before

Best of Luck!!

Naniie_Baybee · Apr 5, 2009, 07:03 AM

Ok, I'll try. She's not that easy to convince, she's hardheaded and manipulative. Most of the time she takes over the conversation. L started!

R-J-S-InLove · Apr 5, 2009, 07:13 AM

Just curious

Where are you from??

DiannaMoon · Apr 6, 2009, 08:18 PM

My mother and I went through the same thing (maybe even a little worse) when I was actually a little bit younger than you. It got to the point where she almost sent me away simply because she couldn't handle me.
All I am going to say is that over years of sitting down and calmly talking about it we became the best of friends (we still have our little fights of course, but we both know we love and care for each other and all that great stuff)
So have hope! Things more often than not work out perfectly in the end.

mizz_on_her_own · Apr 7, 2009, 08:53 AM

I am going through the same situation. Just be patient. Depending on if this incident happened recently then I would suggest that you wait a little while before you talk to her about much to let her calm down and et her thoughts together. I have realized, after all the arguing and struggiling to form a relationship between me and my mother, that you must give one time to relax, calm down, and get their thoughts together before conversing because it will just cause more stress and unpleasant talking. After the incident is not so fresh, you should talk with her.
My mother is the same way, VERY hardheaded and doesn't listen very well and when she does she takes it the wrong way but we are working on that.

Good luck I hope this helps!