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Alicia68 · Mar 19, 2009, 06:33 AM

I am just at my wits end with this lying, whining, manipulating 12 year old. He acts and gets treated like he is 3. My Boyfriend has had sole custody of his son since the boy was 8 months old. We only get a break from him every other weekend, when he goes to his mothers house. My boyfriend even had to fight in court to get her to take him once and awhile. I have been in the picture for over a year now and I have watched this kid twist his father and everyone around him up in a web of lies and hate and discontent. The kid literally looked at his father last night and told him " I wish you were DEAD, and I already know how I want to do it! " I want to stab you in the eye with a screwdriver when your sleeping! " But then went on to change how he wants to kill his own father! " I guess that's not the way I want to do it, I will use a baseball bat, that way you won't be blind and can see me doing it!" Now, will someone please reassure me that this is very sick and this kid needs some therepy! I am starting to be afraid to go to bed at night, but all his father says is..." It's just a faze, he will get over it!" Now to me, this is warped!!! He has absolutly no friends at school, refuses to do homework, will do absolutly nothing unless made to, including showering and brushing his teeth! He is obssesed with killing and war games, all his talk, (when he does) is about pictures he draws all day in school of swords and guns and weapons. Oh yeah, and telling me of course that I am "WHITE TRASH", and am only here to take care of him! He is totally disrespectful of anyone! He tells me that he is going to smear cat poop all over me while I am sleeping. He has hit me, he makes continual faces at me, all of course when Dad's not looking! So when I get mad and tell my boyfriend to do something about this little demon, he looks at his father and says she's lying Dad! I didn't do anything! And He believes him every time! I am so ready to leave this place because of this boy! I love his father so much but I think I really do hate this child! Any advice? PLEASE!!

HistorianChick · Mar 19, 2009, 06:43 AM

Ummm... yeah. This child needs to talk to someone about his problems. Yikes! I'd be afraid of sleeping, too! Hide the toolboxes, OK?

Does your boyfriend see this as a problem? Did he hear his son say these things? If the Dad is not acknowledging this as a problem, the son will think that it is OK and will "get away with it." And that can only lead to tragedy.

I'm sure that if he is vocalizing these things to you and his father, he is also vocalizing them to other people in other situations. Has he had any problems at school?

Please, tell your boyfriend your concerns and get this child to a therapist. For your own safety.

JoeCanada76 · Mar 19, 2009, 06:44 AM

I honestly can not blame the child about certain behaviours. Is he allowed to play video games, is he allowed to watch movies that are not his age level. It sounds to me that this boys father has no control over him what so ever, and does not even try.

Being brought back and forth between parents is messed up and who knows the influence this boy gets from other people. This boy needs routine and this boy needs to learn that he can not get away with everything. At the same time, it is NOT UP TO YOU TO DO THIS.

It is up to the father to wake up and realize that this is not just a faze and if he does not put his foot down he could become the devil incarnate. Is a counselor needed, I agree there needs to be intervention for this child.

Yes it is VERY DISTURBING THAT A 12 YEAR OLD WOULD SAY THESE THINGS AND YES IT IS SICK, BUT QUESTION IS WHERE IS HE GETTING IT FROM??

Honestly, you may love your boyfriend but you need to do what is best for you. Maybe he just is Jealous of your relationship with him and that is why he is acting out to try to get you to leave so he has his father to himself. Lots of jealousy here as well.

I do not know what else to tell you but yes this kid needs help... Maybe this kid wants you to hate him?? Anyway please take care...

If the boyfriend is always going to be in denial this boy will never get the help he needs but it is up to him as the parent to make the change.

Best wishes to you. Maybe what you should do is get him to read your questions here and read all the responses. Maybe that will give him some more insight and less denial?

Joe

Alicia68 · Mar 19, 2009, 06:51 AM

Originally Posted by HistorianChick

Ummm... yeah. This child needs to talk to someone about his problems. Yikes! I'd be afraid of sleeping, too! Hide the toolboxes, ok?

Does your boyfriend see this as a problem? Did he hear his son say these things? If the Dad is not acknowledging this as a problem, the son will think that it is ok and will "get away with it." And that can only lead to tragedy.

I'm sure that if he is vocalizing these things to you and his father, he is also vocalizing them to other people in other situations. Has he had any problems at school?

Please, tell your boyfriend your concerns and get this child to a therapist. For your own safety.

He hears all of it! He just refuses to think that the kid does any wrong. In his eyes he will grow out of it.

talaniman · Mar 19, 2009, 06:52 AM

This kid needs some help, and your boyfriend doesn't know what to do. That's the problem. You better tell him, or lose the child, or worse.

Originally Posted by Alicia68

He hears all of it! He just refuses to think that the kid does any wrong. In his eyes he will grow out of it.

Your boy friend needs some help himself doesn't he?

Alicia68 · Mar 19, 2009, 06:56 AM

Originally Posted by Jesushelper76

I honestly can not blame the child about certain behaviours. Is he allowed to play video games, is he allowed to watch movies that are not his age level. It sounds to me that this boys father has no control over him what so ever, and does not even try.

Being brought back and forth between parents is messed up and who knows the influence this boy gets from other people. This boy needs routine and this boy needs to learn that he can not get away with everything. At the same time, it is NOT UP TO YOU TO DO THIS.

It is up to the father to wake up and realize that this is not just a faze and if he does not put his foot down he could become the devil incarnate. Is a counselor needed, I agree there needs to be intervention for this child.

Yes it is VERY DISTURBING THAT A 12 YEAR OLD WOULD SAY THESE THINGS AND YES IT IS SICK, BUT QUESTION IS WHERE IS HE GETTING IT FROM????

Honestly, you may love your boyfriend but you need to do what is best for you. Maybe he just is Jealous of your relationship with him and that is why he is acting out to try to get you to leave so he has his father to himself. Lots of jealousy here as well.

I do not know what else to tell you but yes this kid needs help... Maybe this kid wants you to hate him??? Anyway please take care...

If the boyfriend is always going to be in denial this boy will never get the help he needs but it is up to him as the parent to make the change.

Best wishes to you. Maybe what you should do is get him to read your questions here and read all the responses. Maybe that will give him some more insight and less denial??

Joe

Thanks. He is not aloud his games any longer, nor TV, the only thing he hasn't had taken away is books. He is aloud to read and that's it. But even his books are all sci-fi. Jealousy is not an issue and the boy has made it quite clear of that. He has flat out told us he wants to move out of here, that he hates his father. But NO-ONE including his own mother wants him to live with them. They don't even want his over to visit. He is just way to rude for people to even deal with and to want around other kids.

HistorianChick · Mar 19, 2009, 06:59 AM

Originally Posted by Alicia68

He hears all of it! He just refuses to think that the kid does any wrong. In his eyes he will grow out of it.

Unfortunately, we have several examples of children who have been "left alone" to feel these things and say these things... I shudder to think of the kids in the media that have actually acted out upon these thoughts towards family and teachers.

This isn't something that he will "grow out of"; it needs to be addressed.

I hate to say it, but if your boyfriend refuses to acknowledge and do something about these threats, I would say that you need to seriously consider leaving him.

You're putting feelings above your safety - and that is never good. Ever. If you feel threatened, you need to do everything in your power to protect yourself.

Alicia68 · Mar 19, 2009, 07:02 AM

Originally Posted by talaniman

This kid needs some help, and your boyfriend doesn't know what to do. Thats the problem. You better tell him, or lose the child, or worse.

Your boy friend needs some help himself doesn't he??

Indeed... and I have mentioned that and it got me nowhere. He thinks councilors are a waste of money. It's all about the money... the kid hasn't been taken to the dentist or the doctors in almost 3 years. He is a very cheap man and doesn't spend a dime of money unless its on something he wants or needs.

Romefalls19 · Mar 19, 2009, 07:02 AM

Get this kid some counseling, point blank. He could feel hurt because, well it's been made evident that nobody wants him. That has to be hard on a 12 year old. How would you have felt at his age if you mom or dad said "I don't want him, you take him" divorces are messy things, and often times we get so caught up in hating the other spouse we neglect the children involved and they see it the most. Sure you might not voice it in front of him, but kids can read emotions and tones better than adults. He needs to talk to someone, and be reassured he is wanted and loved.

Alicia68 · Mar 19, 2009, 07:24 AM

Originally Posted by Romefalls19

Get this kid some counseling, point blank. He could feel hurt because, well it's been made evident that nobody wants him. That has to be hard on a 12 year old. How would you have felt at his age if you mom or dad said "I don't want him, you take him" divorces are messy things, and often times we get so caught up in hating the other spouse we neglect the children involved and they see it the most. Sure you might not voice it in front of him, but kids can read emotions and tones better than adults. He needs to talk to someone, and be reassured he is wanted and loved.

Thanks for the reply... I was this kid as a kid. I was trown away in the middle of divorce too, that's why I can say that He is not just a product of a messy divorce... this kid is evil. He tries to hurt everyone and anything around him. I even have to watch out for my little puppy because he is always picking him up and trying to BODY SLAM the pup too! He just seriously has some sort of disorder and I am soooo hoping that some one on here might be able to relate to this type of disfunctional personality.

Alicia68 · Mar 19, 2009, 07:39 AM

By the way Thank you all for the input... but I think I get it now by reading what I wrote and what the replies were! The boy is not the problem... it's the Dad! Maybe I do need to move on! Thank you all!

unspeaken21 · Mar 19, 2009, 09:23 PM

You the dad is the problem and so is the mom...

But the boy has some major issues..

Since you don't want to take him to counseling then a good idea would be for you and him to bond.. you can play football, soccer, baseball.. or any other sport.. it won't be easy, but try... go with him to a park and just try, without the dad... and take his favorite food with you so you guys can have a picnic..
He really just needs attention...

And I think its best you give him back his console game or whatever he has that he plays around with... because a few months ago there was this kid who was obsessed with playing shooting games (he was also a loner and had no friends) and one day his parents grounded him and took the console game away from him, (he was older than 12) and latter that night his parents went out... the kid searched for the console game and found it lying next to his fathers gun.. he took the gun and the game.. when his parents came back and were lying on their bed he goes to their room and shoots them both.. the father survived but the mother died... it was on the news a while ago.. but this is all I remember... so I suggest you be careful with this child... and I don't mean to scare you...

And if you decided to bond with him and play sports make sure you will be committed to the family because he will get attached to you and you will mean a lot to him.. so for the first time go alone.. and the next time go with the father... but if your afraid of going alone then go with the father...

Just try to do activities with him...

Good luck... I understand what your going through is rough...

GeorgeMcCasland · Mar 20, 2009, 09:17 PM

Many women take on the role of stepmom every year. Unfortunately, far to many fail. I was raised by my stepfather. Here's something I wrote about him for Dear Abby.

As for whether you SHOULD is another matter. The boy is acting like over 80% of the children of split parents, that develop behavioral problems.

I recommend that all men, and women, who are considering being a stepparent take the time to answer a series of questions produced by a professor at the U of Missouri in Columbia. It's a stepparent work sheet. You answer the questions and review your answers using their guide. You can find it in the file section of Dads House in Yahoo Groups.

Dare81 · Mar 21, 2009, 02:03 AM

Originally Posted by Alicia68

Thanks for the reply... I was this kid as a kid. I was trown away in the middle of divorce too, thats why I can say that He is not just a product of a messy divorce....this kid is evil. He trys to hurt everyone and anything around him. I even have to watch out for my little puppy because he is always picking him up and trying to BODY SLAM the pup too! He just seriously has some sort of disorder and I am soooo hoping that some one on here might be able to relate to this type of disfunctional personality.

The kid needs to know who the boss, right know he thinks he's the boss,

Jake2008 · Mar 21, 2009, 02:22 AM

I realize you've only been in this child's life for only a short time, and I'm not sure that he is, as George said, "The boy is acting like over 80% of the children of split parents, that develop behavioral problems". I hope that statement is not accurate! If it is, we're all in trouble.

Did this behaviour start immediately after you moved in, or was it a gradual process that has reached the boiling point.

With you and the boy locking horns, dad in the middle is balancing the needs of his son, himself, and you. He needs direction, and the THREE of you need to be in counselling.

It is unfair to expect that the blame lies entirely with anyone in this relatively new family.

I doubt that what you are seeing now isn't something that can be addressed, and regardless of how you see your relationship, or how in love you are, your relationship is not going to improve without the dynamics of all being considered and worked out.

If it were me in that situation, I would insist on it.

GeorgeMcCasland · Mar 21, 2009, 11:15 AM

Originally Posted by Jake2008

I realize you've only been in this child's life for only a short time, and I'm not sure that he is, as George said, "The boy is acting like over 80% of the children of split parents, that develop behavioral problems". I hope that statement is not accurate! If it is, we're all in trouble.

Stanford University
Divorce, Nontraditional Families, and Its Consequences For Children
"We know that children of divorced parents have more emotional and behavioral problems and do less well in school than children who live with both their Parent."

Jake2008 · Mar 21, 2009, 11:31 AM

George, that page came up 'Page Not Found'.

If you have something regarding such a high percentage of children of divorced families ending up with behavioural problems, I'd like to read it.

80% is huge.

Thanks.

GeorgeMcCasland · Mar 21, 2009, 11:37 AM

Originally Posted by Jake2008

George, that page came up 'Page Not Found'.

If you have something regarding such a high percentage of children of divorced families ending up with behavioural problems, I'd like to read it.

80% is huge.

Thanks.

Sorry, copied the link wrong. Divorce

Jake2008 · Mar 22, 2009, 09:19 AM

George, I can find nothing that backs up your statement:

"The boy is acting like over 80% of the children of split parents, that develop behavioral problems"

In fact, the article you provided says pretty much the opposite, in the large UK study done.

I think these types of statements cause unnecessary worry for people.

Homegirl 50 · Mar 22, 2009, 10:33 AM

Originally Posted by Alicia68

By the way Thank you all for the input....but I think I get it now by reading what I wrote and what the replies were! The boy is not the problem....it's the Dad!! Maybe I do need to move on! Thank you all!

Smart girl!
You can tell what type of man he is by the way he treats his kid. There is no reason unless he is just poor, this child should not have never been to the dentist or the doctor, there is no reason this kind of anger should be ignored, or he be allowed to disrespect you.
They both have problems. You need to be away from there.
I wish you well.