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Rachellebell1 · Mar 4, 2009, 06:56 AM

My parents were married 45 years when my father passed away. Less than a year after he passed my mom starting dating. She found an 81 year old man whom we all came to accept as if he were a member of our family. He has done so much for my mom and our family - not materialistically but mentally and emotionally. We feared she would curl up after my dad passed but she did the exact opposite thanks to this man. Two weeks ago he went into the hospital for a special procedure on his heart. He was discharged four das later and his only complaint was being so tired. That same night he got up to go to the restroom and fell. He is currently in a coma. His family came in from all over the world to be by his side. The doctors have done everything they can and still there are no signs of improvement. My mom said that the night before his surgery they had talked about the possibilities of complications and he told her that he did not want to be on life support. He told her if he couldn't play golf, couldn't drive a car and couldn't take care of himself that he didn't want to live. He has a living will stating the same. The problem here is that his family refuses to let him go and he remains in the hospital on life support. My mom is devastated by this and finds it too painful for her to see so has stopped going to the hospital. What is going through his families minds? Why won't they let him go? Why are they disrespecting his final wishes like this? He has lived a very full life and will never be the same again - why can't they let him go and let my mom move on? HELPPPPP

JudyKayTee · Mar 4, 2009, 07:09 AM

I preach this all the time - PUT IT IN WRITING! Your blood relatives will make choices for you. Not girlfriends, not friends, not distant relatives. PUT IT IN WRITING AND HAVE IT SUPERVISED BY AN ATTORNEY.

Your mother has no legal standing here. I've been on both sides of this argument. I don't know how long your mother has been in his life. His children will argue that they've been in his life X times longer, that they know far better than she does what he would want, that if he wanted her (or you) to make the decision he would have PUT IT IN WRITING.

I went through this - my husband HAD it in writing and I still had to go to Court to remove him from life support. It was a religious issue as well as a "not being able to let go" issue. And what do I tell people? Don't give people authority to make that decision unless you really, really trust them (and my husband trusted me, indeed, with his very life) and to the people who have the "power" - there will be times in your life, possibly forever, when you will look back over your shoulder and wonder, "what if - ?"

There are probably a lot of reasons his family isn't letting go.

Have the Doctors said that there is no hope, that this is time to make a decision or does his family think you are pushing the issue?

ebaines · Mar 4, 2009, 07:17 AM

I agree whole-heartedly with JudyKayTee. My father suffered a massive brain hemorage, and thankfully he had a living will that the hospital already had a copy of (from when he had been in the hospital earlier). As a family together with his wife after much discussion and reflection we all agreed that per his written wishes the life support would be removed, and he died a few hours later. Having the living will not only protected the hospital legally, it also helped relieve all of us a bit from the emotional issues - if he didn't have that living will I'm not sure the entire family would have agreed.

JudyKayTee · Mar 4, 2009, 07:51 AM

Originally Posted by ebaines

I agree whole-heartedly with JudyKayTee. My father suffered a massive brain hemorage, and thankfully he had a living will that the hospital already had a copy of (from when he had been in the hospital earlier). As a family together with his wife after much discussion and reflection we all agreed that per his written wishes the life support would be removed, and he died a few hours later. Having the living will not only protected the hospital legally, it also helped relieve all of us a bit from the emotional issues - if he didn't have that living will I'm not sure the entire family would have agreed.

I'm so sorry you went through this. I think until you've been there it's hard to appreciate what standing there with someone's life - literally - in your hands is like. My husband was similar to your father at the end of his life. Even his brain stem had died, he was in a fetal position, he was gone from me - and I still wake up at night and think, "What if?" In theory I wouldn't be a widow; in theory I would be able to touch and see and visit him and talk to him. Of course, he would be suffering and I know that and I know it's not a practical thought but I still have those nights when I second guess myself.

My sympathy to your family on your loss. I'm sure you know how special your Dad was to make those written choices to spare his family.

Rachellebell1 · Mar 4, 2009, 07:07 PM

THANK YOU ALL FOR YOUR HELP; This afternoon we got word that the family had finally decided enough was enough and told the doctors to let him go. We are waiting for the pronouncing which hopefully will be soon. THANKS AGAIN

JudyKayTee · Mar 5, 2009, 07:02 AM

Originally Posted by Rachellebell1

THANK YOU ALL FOR YOUR HELP; This afternoon we got word that the family had finally decided enough was enough and told the doctors to let him go. We are waiting for the pronouncing which hopefully will be soon. THANKS AGAIN

You are in my thoughts -

Rachellebell1 · Mar 5, 2009, 06:30 PM

Thank you - this is an awesome forum - I appreciate all your suggestions and help - oh yes, P.S. THere is a Living Will and the family didn't honor it - due to Orthodox Jewish ways.

Fr_Chuck · Mar 5, 2009, 06:48 PM

Remember it is not the family that is suppose to have to honor it, the hospital and doctors have to honor it, even if family against it, if it is done in writing and done correctly.

JudyKayTee · Mar 6, 2009, 06:48 AM

Originally Posted by Rachellebell1

Thank you - this is an awesome forum - I appreciate all your suggestions and help - oh yes, P.S. THere is a Living Will and the family didn't honor it - due to Orthodox Jewish ways.

My husband was also an Orthodox Jew, spoke Hebrew, all that goes along with that but had "joined" a Reformed temple. Same argument - family would not "allow" him to be taken off life support because he was "only" brain dead. His heart had not stopped beating.

I am Christian. He was, in fact, in a Catholic Hospital. I knew his wishes. I had his signed consent. I prevailed but it was a very difficult battle.

But, yes, religious beliefs very often enter into the process. I do not fault anyone who fought with me over this issues as they were following their religious beliefs, although those were no longer the beliefs of my husband.

I also did not understand the one year period before the body and soul separate and couldn't understand why he told me not to go to the cemetery for that year - someone on the board explained that to me.