[smalltowngal]

Since you would so easily drop things like studying, maybe she feels that you don't take life seriously enough. I can understand changing plans with friends now and then in order to be with her, or better again, have her join in with your group. Cancelling study plans is never a good idea. In a healthy relationship, you don't have to sacrifice the things that should be priority. You instead find ways to compromise.

[talaniman]

Sometimes you just have to accept their feelings have changed and no matter how you sacrifice and compromise, you are not as compatible over the long run. I think until you are the one who have a change of heart, you will never understand how she feels, or why she left, despite your best actions and intentions. Its one of those things that you have no control over.

[mrpigz]

The first break off she say " she is very happy with me, but am really exhausted."

The second break off came about with me letting her go because she feel very frustrated and feel very comfortable with me. Once she saw me, she would become frustrated.

Anyhow, guys thanks, but i hope i can still ask all of you a question. hope you guys dont find me irritating...haha...

Recently i had met up with her again for a short meal. I found that she had changed alot, really not like what i used to be with anymore.

Previously during the first few weeks of the 2nd break off, she would still sms me now and then, but now she doesnt.

Actually deep inside, i somehow feel got some feelings for her, because she is the first women that i love and really spend alot of effort into the relationship.

Should i move on? should i adopt the no contact rule? I don't know what i should do now. When i see her, i would have mixed feelings.

Thank you for all your response in advance. :)
Hope you guys had a nice and wonderful weekends.

Sorry guys, could anyone, please advice me on what should I do now. Should I still keep in contact with my ex? I am confuse... thanks all

[kctiger]

sorry guys, could anyone, please advice me on what should i do now. Should i still keep in contact with my ex? I am confuse... thanks all

No... move on with your life. It is you first love, so you are going to be blinded by emotions, but don't let the emotions carry you away.

[kp2171]

You need some time apart. She's quick to change directions. You are all over the place. You both need to step back.

Is she online trying to salvage this relationship? How hard is she trying to convince you that you are right for her?

If all you are doing is trying to keep her close, then you are doing all the work... and at this point, I think she needs some distance. You might think stepping back means you let her go... not so much. Stepping back means you and she face reality... that things aren't quite right at this moment and you both need to think about yourselves, not the relationship.

She might have an honest change of heart. Or not.

But id absolutely be polite and kind, but step away some. The sudden ups and downs aren't OK. You might be worried about her moving on without you... what about her? Is she worried about you moving on? At this time, probably not.

So step away, reduce or stop contact, focus on yourself and not her.

Stop being there to please her. Stop being an emotional butler. Your job is not to "make" her happy... it is for you to be a happy person that she wants to be with, or not, but nonetheless... for you to be happy with yourself.

I know, its oversimplified. Being with another person adds other dimensions... and most relationships involve some kind of compromise... but she's acting like you are smothering her and she's acting like she needs some space.

Give it. Even if you don't want to.

[mrpigz]

is she online trying to salvage this relationship? how hard is she trying to convince you that you are right for her?

Hi Kp2171, yah since the first break off, I had been the only one who want to salvage the relationship. I promise to change, change to meet her demands to meet the changes in her. I plead , I beg , I cried, I try to change whatever I could so that she could be with me again because I love her , I so think that she is the one that I want to settle down with.

I am blinded by my emotions, because everytiime I want to move on, I would think of her, the greats times that I had with her and the old her... the nice and sweet old her.

Most people think that I am clingy, needy, it is true. But since the patched back, I hardly demand anytime from her, only when she wants to meet me. I gave her space that she wanted, we only would sms each other or meet up with each other once awhile, when she is free.

But in the end, I still was unable to cope with her sudden throw of tantrum. She can suddenly get frustrated and angry with me. And if I show that I am upset or pissed off too, she will say that she needs time alone from me again.then I will be left in a confused state again without knowing why, since I cannot ask her why.

[Ana52408]

You sound as if you were a very good boyfriend.Your post is not whiny or boring :)

There is a saying *nice guys finish last*.

What that means to me is that the nice guy gets taken advantage of and a man that is always subservient to a woman is often not respected as a *man* by the woman.

Many women sees this as a weakness.

Many young woman want the bad boy type.Whether it is because of the challenge or because they think they can change them,I don't know.

As women get older and mature I think this type of behavior lessens. It is then when they can get nothing but the bad boys they regret the nice one that they rejected.

Maybe you were too giving and she she saw this as a weakness.

I would not change who you are.There is someone out there who would truly love to have a man who is kind and understanding.

Not everyone is out to find *someone better*. Just selfish people who have over inflated egos and think the world revolves around them.

Take this painful experience and learn from it and I suspect in the future you will make someone very happy.

Good luck!

I mean "he" by mr. pigz by the way

[mrpigz]

Friends and everyone who viewed my thread, thanks. This is an update of what's going on.

Recently, I visted her myspace. She seems so happy meeting new people and going out with her friends. Previously when we met or got to communicate with one another, she would somehow mention to me about her guy friends. Things like what her guy friends mention to her , giving tickets to her guy friends, meeting them more often etc.

So far, I think she had really move on. Got busy with her studies and also going out to have fun.

Come to think of it, its really very sad, that previously whenever I asked her out, she would say she is busy with schoolwork etc, busy with family. But somehow when I left her, she is not that busy anymore, she could take out time, go out more often and have fun. Haha

So I think I am the most convenient source of reason for her stress and sadness. I sux big time. Haha

Thoughts still floods in my mind, the day that I let go of her because she is tired of being with me. One of her family members told me, " i think she still likes you, can you please dont rule out the possibility that you 2 will patch back?"

I Had mixed feelings, I am angry that she could just dump me and the relationship away so easily, where in fact when she throw tantrum or get depressed or when I felt tie down by her quick change of emotions, I never had any intentions of leaving her but to bear with it and try to compromise. However,I am still grateful and so in love with the old her.

[mrpigz]

i mean "he" by mr. pigz btw

Hi ana, sorry but what does that mean? Haha... =X

[Ana52408]

Look at the first post by art lady

[talaniman]

mrpigz;1574817, Friends and everyone who viewed my thread, thanks. This is an update of what's going on.

Recently, I visited her myspace. She seems so happy meeting new people and going out with her friends. Previously when we met or got to communicate with one another, she would somehow mention to me about her guy friends. Things like what her guy friends mention to her , giving tickets to her guy friends, meeting them more often etc.
Its a big red flag when exes start to confide in you about others guys. Thats what GIRL friends are for. So now you have been demoted from boyfriend to ex-boyfriend, to girlfriend, and thats not good.
So far, I think she had really move on. Got busy with her studies and also going out to have fun.
Thats what she wanted to do and is doing, and why not??
Come to think of it, its really very sad, that previously whenever I asked her out, she would say she is busy with schoolwork etc, busy with family. But somehow when I left her, she is not that busy anymore, she could take out time, go out more often and have fun. Haha
Surely you don't expect her to give up her freedom, do you?? Not while she is enjoying herself! That makes no sense since she can do what ever she wants now.
So I think I am the most convenient source of reason for her stress and sadness. I sux big time. Haha
Thats a possibility, a very strong possibility.
Thoughts still floods in my mind, the day that I let go of her because she is tired of being with me. One of her family members told me, " i think she still likes you, can you please don't rule out the possibility that you 2 will patch back?"
You haven't let go of anything and thats the bad part, because if you did, you would be doing a lot of other things with other people and leaving her alone. Doesn't matter what her friends say, because if they really knew what they were talking about, they wouldn't be stirring up false hope in you.
I Had mixed feelings, I am angry that she could just dump me and the relationship away so easily, where in fact when she throw tantrum or get depressed or when I felt tie down by her quick change of emotions, I never had any intentions of leaving her but to bear with it and try to compromise. However,I am still grateful and so in love with the old her.
Its all well and good, but it really is time to see the bigger picture and really let her go. Fine to have good memories, but remember the tantrums and mood swings you had to go thru. They are gone to, so now you can heal, be healthy, and be in a healthy relationship with a happy healthy person who cares for you, but first YOU HAVE TO LET THIS ONE GO.

[mrpigz]

Thanks talaniman.

Anyway, I just find it very hard , that first she is my first love. Second, I had put in so many effort and love in this relationship. Third, she could just go off so easily.

The feelings really sux big time, I feel like a fool. An idiot.

Guys, what do you do? If the love that you had constantly put in effort in, is lost.
The love one just simply CAN leave you so easily.

After forcing you to break up with her then tells you that you are still her friend and then moving so well.

Throughout my relationship with her, I always had given her my attention, my assurance that I would not leave her for better, no matter what happens to her, and be always there for her.

I still remember,when I was working part-part, I would every time run to her when I got my month pay. I would treat her to hotel's high tea buffets, buy her things that she like, because I want to share the joy with her and make her happy.
But now, she never thinks of all the good things that I had done to her anymore.

Sorry guys, I think I am grieving about the lost. But I just cannot help it, because it hurts so bad under the circumstances that she is my first love and I am so serious in this relationship.

I fear that I cannot find my true love.

Also, I really have a phobia now. Its like if you treat someone you loved wholeheartedly without holding back anything, she will run away from you. Is this true?

Sorry guys, is it OK for me to grieve and share my feelings here?

[smalltowngal]

Yes, you can grieve and share your feelings here. And you are absolutely NOT an idiot or a fool. This just simply wasn't the right girl for you. That's all there was to it. There's nothing you did or could have done that would have changed that fact. And when the next relationship comes, you should continue to just be you and do all the things you want to do to show her your love. When you do find the right girl, she will appreciate all of those wonderful qualities that you have and she will love you for being so good to her. It's okay to be sad. Only a cold and heartless person wouldn't be.

[talaniman]

That first break up sucks for sure, but they all do! I kissed a lot of frogs before I found my queen, so will you. Never be ashamed of showing your love, as with the right person, its well worth the risk. She didn't appreciate what you did, that's her loss, not yours. Your free to find a better partner, and be happy, after you have healed.

Soon you will see that being single is great, and you'll look deeper into the next one, and decide is she worth the risk or not. Like the healing process, choosing a good partner takes time, and there is no hurry.

The really good news is you can date them all, and then make a choice, if you take your time by being true to yourself, and willing to share your happiness. Heal, and go kiss some frogs.

[kp2171]

i fear that i cannot find my true love.

Also, i really have a phobia now. Its like if you treat someone you loved wholeheartedly without holding back anything, she will run away from you. Is this true?

So after my first Big Love ended... a girl with whom id planned a life with, altered schools for, altered life plans for, and talked in detail about marriage in the later years of that 6 year relationship... I found myself one night seriously wondering

"am i ever going to find someone again? ever going to have this kind of relationship again? and am i going to be alone?"...

Well... yes. no. yes and no.

Yes... I found other loves. Sure it took time, but there's a few billion people on this earth and there is no One that is your Soul Mate, in my opinion. There might be a lot of people who won't fit into my life quite right, but there's more than one person out there for me.

Now... I'm married. My wife is too. (joke) but I don't say that to diminish my relationship. I just know she's a good woman and could find another good man, in time, if I wasn't around. "soul mates" is a term people use to elevate a relationship about those that other mortals have.

I don't buy it.

Every woman I loved dearly, I loved differently. No relationship will be the same... and that's good. I mean, if it were the same, itd end the same.

I could finish the sentences and thoughts of my first big love, I knew her so well. My next big love had a playfulness about her, and we had a sexual tension that was just amazing, and then the next love connected more with me intellectually and spiritually... each love was different.

As for the issue of holding back... hard to answer this simply.

I do think it's a mistake to completely open yourself up to a person in the context of wanting too much too soon. A little mystery is good.

Everybody is different in their likes, but I've always been most attracted to strong women who are driven, who have friends, lives, careers, who didn't want to make the relationship The Reason to be together. It wasn't about working hard on the relationship... it was about having good, natural overlap.

When I was younger and inexperienced, I spent more time and effort into trying to perpetuate relationships... which causes you to lose yourself if you aren't careful... later on I learned that, yes, every realationship take work and effort, but the best relationships (for me, at least) are designed around being both an individual and being together.

So... will giving all of yourself to another person drive them away? Perhaps, if done too soon.

Don't forget, you need to be "chased" too... you need the girl to want to be with you, to need to be with you... and often people are happy when both sides are willing to chase a little, and then be chased some.

At least that's what works for me.

[mrpigz]

Thank you guys for all the encouragement. I really appreciate it and really need it. Now I know what I need to do. I need to find closure to end of my current relationship. But the problem with me is , I had not totally let go yet. Some stupid part of my brain, still hoping she will regret the decision of leaving. I really don't know when I could stop thinking about this. I hate myself for thinking and thinking about her.

Guys, I am having NC with her now. I will try my best to stick to it.
However I do have a question. :confused:

When she dumped me, she apologize and said that we can still be friends. So all along, I am trying to act as a gentleman to be friend with her. But whenever I saw her or talk to her, my feeling will have a rollar coaster ride again, up and down.

Is it very petty or heartless if I go NC with her totally? But thinking of how she dump me and break the promise of being together, and how she make me break up with her, I find her heartless too. :(

Also, Guys, today, I went school and happen to saw her again. Then after that, I felt so miserable again. I suddenly drop my tears on the bus when I am going home, when I thought of how me and her spend time together in school. I guess my male hormones are declining... haha :eek:

Anyway, I really hate myself, that I still hoping that she would regret leaving me. I want to move on... :(

[mrpigz]

I am once a humorous person. But after she dump me, the feelings is just so devastating. I feel like I am no longer attractive, I am useless, I am boring, I am nothing but an emo guy with no good personality.

I am slowly becoming more withdrawn from friends. Not as chatty as before. I don't know what I should do.

[mrpigz]

Hi all, just an update, currently I am feeling so much better. I am slowly recovering and I am gaining back my confidence in myself. Busy with my own work and spending time with my old buddies and family.

I had being adapting back to my usual single life . With no worries, doing what I want. Haha... previously, when I am attached, I'm always doing everything for her, everything I did she would be my first priority.

But right now I do really understand that, I am the sole of my own happiness. And in order to make other people happy, I should be happy first.

Thank You everyone for the advice.

Anyway, recently, my ex had drop me a short sms, asking how am I, and whether I am doing my school work well, encouraging me not to give up on my school work.

Is she concern or just being guilty that she had dumped me?

Guys can you all comment on this please ?

Thank you in advance.

[talaniman]

At this point, take it as concern for a friend, and NOTHING more.

Remember always that she has had a head start in healing, and dealing with the shock of a break up and you have a ways to go. Its normal to be confused and easy to see false hope in any little thing she says and does. That's why no contact helps you get beyond that confusion, and false hope, so you can see things in a more realistic light, and cope with the truth of the situation.

Dumpers generally hate break ups too, but on an entirely different level. She may feel guilty for hurting your feelings, but she ain't changing her mind. Which is what the one dumped hopes for.

[BrokenHeart89]

Hey Mrpigz,

I'm going through a similar thing. I'm starting to get the sense that I was holding my girlfriend to close and suffocating her. My ex however already had a new guy lined up right after me. She basically moved in with the guy. She said that he told her she can't always have her way and she changed for him. Is willing to do more things with this guys that she didn't do with me before because she was selfish and life seemed to revolve around her. It hurts that she made it seems so simple that all I had to do was talk to tell her she can't always get what she wanted.

And yeah I too find myself getting angry she is willing to do this for a new guy so quickly. But she wasn't really open to new ideas or things I wanted to go out and do while we dated.