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ChihuahuaMomma · Feb 24, 2009, 03:09 PM

My sister is always trying to start fights about something. So she just sent me an email telling me how greedy and selfish I am, because I sent a thank you card instead of calling when she sent me a box. Now, she asks me to be honest about the clothes that she buys me. SO I tell her that I didn't care for the shirt and that everything was a size bigger than I told her I wore ((because she says I don't look like a medium)).

Not to mention she yelled at me about never visiting, even though its been her turn to visit me for almost a year now. And she has been in Portland four times since then and couldn't even make time for lunch with me. This all started because I was 100 miles from her house and didn't come visit..

How do I make her realize that she is hurting my feelings and trying to make me look like the bad person here. How do I make it stop?

twinkiedooter · Feb 24, 2009, 04:01 PM

You really can't make her "stop". I'll just waive my magic wand over the head and turn her into either a toad or a nice person. I can't guarantee which she'll be though.

Do you even have an idea just what brings out the "nasty" in your sister? Is this spite, jealousy or is she just a nasty critter all on her own?

I'll trade you sisters, OK? Mine used to con either me or my mother out of money and then disappear for years on end. This last time was 12 years ago and haven't heard from her since.

ChihuahuaMomma · Feb 24, 2009, 11:47 PM

I have a mother that is like that, I don't need a sister like that, too.

The only thing that I can think of is that she tries to make me look like a bad person to make herself look better in the eyes of our family.

It's just really annoying that my own sister is trying to compete with me for no reason.

twinkiedooter · Feb 25, 2009, 04:03 PM

Well, she's just that way. There is nothing you can do about her behavior towards you at this point. I'd just steer clear of her as much as possible and ignore her nasty comments in the future. Maybe she just likes to put down people and figures you are an easy target.

You are much too nice to be treated like that. Next time she does say nasty stuff to you, confront her and tell her that kind of behavior is not acceptable to you. It just might get her to back off.

humble10 · Feb 25, 2009, 04:17 PM

First of all, start thinking about what you can do to really show that you love her, buy her a gift that you feel will touch her heart.Tell her that you love her, and that you are sorry that you hurt her, and you want to improve your relationship with her.She seems to be angry,that's why she is not nice to you. God bless you!

artlady · Feb 25, 2009, 04:42 PM

They do say you get further with sugar than vinegar so try to be kind despite her problems.She sounds like she wants a closer relationship with you and maybe she feels like you are rejecting her.

Your sisters, that is an important bond you should never disregard.You need to sit down and have a long chat.Maybe there is some imagined slight or something from the past that she is clinging to but you will never know if you don't communicate.

I just get this feeling that she wants to be close and feels rejected.

Nothing was ever achieved by trying to sweep it under the rug.
Talk it out.

Ask her what she wants and expects from the relationship and then tell her what you want and expect.See if you can't make a compromise that keeps that sister bond intact.

Cheekedee · Feb 25, 2009, 07:57 PM

Originally Posted by ChihuahuaMomma

I have a mother that is like that, I don't need a sister like that, too.

I knew it that there must be a (her) mentor in the family! :p

Okay… What about you email her, highlighting every single thing that you would like her to know? About your feeling, about how terrible she hurts you and your expectation for this relationship. Seeing face to face, talking about this matter might lead to more severe dispute, since you mentioned that she is a kind of argumentative. Written communication, for me, is ‘gentler’ than verbal communication as you’ll not be hearing her flay and strike back. :cool:

dontknownuthin · Feb 26, 2009, 02:34 AM

You can only control your responses. Invite her to your home - if she doesn't come, be gracious about it. Go to her home when you want to go and can be in the area... if you're invited and want to go. If she puts the pressure on otherwise, just say, "I'm sorry your disappointed...hopefully I can make it another time". As for being honest about not liking gifts from her? That's a trap... don't be honest, just exchange them. If she asks where something is, just let her know, "I really loved it but it was a size too big, and they didn't have my size, so I got this other shirt I just love. Thank you so much for thinking of me...it was really thoughtful!"

Don't worry what she says to your mutual family - they know both of you and will figure it out.

She is in steep competition with you. Build her up instead of engaging in arguments. "Wow, you havef such a gorgeous home...you have a real knack for htis" or whatever. When she tries to start something stupid over you sending a note instead of calling, just let her know, "well, I've always thought that a card is like a more personal touch...it takes more effort to write than call and all. I was just trying to really show you how much I appreciated the gift, but if you preffer phone calls, I can certainly call next time."

ChihuahuaMomma · Feb 28, 2009, 10:06 AM

Originally Posted by humble10

First of all, start thinking about what you can do to really show that you love her, buy her a gift that you feel will touch her heart.Tell her that you love her, and that you are sorry that you hurt her, and you want to improve your relationship with her.She seems to be angry,that's why she is not nice to you. God bless you!

This is my everyday behavior to her, and that's what I get in return. I just sent her a box full of clothes...

ChihuahuaMomma · Feb 28, 2009, 10:07 AM

Originally Posted by Cheekedee

I knew it that there must be a (her) mentor in the family! :p

Okay… What about u email her, highlighting every single thing that u would like her to know? About ur feeling, about how terrible she hurts u and ur expectation for this relationship. Seeing face to face, talking about this matter might lead to more severe dispute, since u mentioned that she is a kind of argumentative. Written communication, for me, is 'gentler' than verbal communication as you'll not be hearing her flay and strike back. :cool:

My Mom or sister? And I'm confused by what you mean by "mentor"...

ChihuahuaMomma · Feb 28, 2009, 10:10 AM

Originally Posted by dontknownuthin

You can only control your responses. Invite her to your home - if she doesn't come, be gracious about it. Go to her home when you want to go and can be in the area...if you're invited and want to go. If she puts the pressure on otherwise, just say, "I'm sorry your disappointed...hopefully I can make it another time". As for being honest about not liking gifts from her? That's a trap...don't be honest, just exchange them. If she asks where something is, just let her know, "I really loved it but it was a size too big, and they didn't have my size, so I got this other shirt I just love. Thank you so much for thinking of me...it was really thoughtful!"

Don't worry what she says to your mutual family - they know both of you and will figure it out.

She is in steep competition with you. Build her up instead of engaging in arguments. "Wow, you havef such a gorgeous home...you have a real knack for htis" or whatever. When she tries to start something stupid over you sending a note instead of calling, just let her know, "well, I've always thought that a card is like a more personal touch...it takes more effort to write than call and all. I was just trying to really show you how much I appreciated the gift, but if you preffer phone calls, I can certainly call next time."

Thank you, that's some good advice.

Cheekedee · Feb 28, 2009, 03:12 PM

I knew it that there must be a (her) mentor in the family! :p >>> I know that there must be someone in your family, in someway, has 'taught' her to be like that- argumentative.

Okay… What about u email her, highlighting every single thing that u would like her to know? About ur feeling, about how terrible she hurts u and ur expectation for this relationship. Seeing face to face, talking about this matter might lead to more severe dispute, since u mentioned that she is a kind of argumentative. Written communication, for me, is ‘gentler’ than verbal communication as you’ll not be hearing her flay and strike back. :cool: >>> This was an advice for you to mend your relationship with your sister.

Cheekedee · Feb 28, 2009, 03:17 PM

'Her' in the first paragraph is referred to your sister.

ChihuahuaMomma · Feb 28, 2009, 11:49 PM

No, she learned this by being spoiled. My mother wasn't in her life too much. I raised her mostly.

I've emailed her that precise email and she hasn't responded.