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asking · Feb 9, 2009, 12:09 AM

Well now you know how we would react. He's lucky to have someone who thinks he's so funny.

I'm curious. Can you tell him he's weak and lazy and does he laugh? He should be able to take it as well as dish it out. Try it some time and see what he does.

talong89 · Feb 9, 2009, 12:13 AM

Yes. As I believe I have said previously I did start to do it back... and yes... he does laugh. I'll tell him he's fat, a manwhore , or ugly or dumb, etc... and yes.. he laughs because we both know it's not true... it's just joking around. If we both find it funny and neither have hurt feelings from it... I really don't see a problem with it. And yes, if my feelings do get hurt from anything serious going on... we do discuss it. We've been through a lot. And I like our relationship.

talaniman · Feb 9, 2009, 05:30 AM

But talong, you asked a question, and got peoples opinion, using your relationship as an example. Most would not want what you have. Don't take it personally.

Just in the future, be careful what you asked for, and don't be defensive when you get your answer.

How He Annoys Me: Calls me names: variations of fat and ugly jokes, slut, whore, skank, etc. Makes noises/sings loudly. Recently I started to get a few pimples here and there and went to the derm. For medication and then that night he made an acne joke. Makes jokes about me not being tan right now, or the fact that I've been slacking in the gym. Jokingly calls me , psycho, annoying. Tickles me, playfully punches, and what not. etc... it'd take forever to write down all the stuff he does.

Maybe you can handle it, but as you see most won't, and they gave their reasons. Take it for what it is, food for thought.

ardahk · Feb 9, 2009, 05:57 AM

If you were okay with it would you really be on here asking what you should do.

Just because we don't think you should accept the behaviour and your boyfriend is being a little out of order doesn't mean that he is a disgusting guy and your relationship is doomed.. It may just be his character and seeing as you have always laughed about he may be under the impression that you like it..

If it bugs you, simply put, just tell him. If he respects you and stops then its done - there is nothing harmful about jokey name calling between people in love but for me I would never ever call the girl I love a whore or a skank, let alone a stranger I have never meant before - its just not normal but each to their own...

Alty · Feb 9, 2009, 10:06 AM

Originally Posted by talong89

I'm not "mad" just... i don't care what ppl think of my relationship, that's not why i made the post- i see absolutely nothing wrong with it- regardless of what ppl think on here we're both extremely happy together. I was just curious as to how others would react to him. I really did not make the post so that others can analyze and criticize the relationship.

I'm curious to know why you asked the question if you didn't want answers.

neverme · Feb 9, 2009, 10:10 AM

I understand.. it's really is easy to be mislead by the name of the site Ask Me Help Desk absolutely misleading!

Ok, I may be being a slight bit sarcastic, but honestly I find it insulting to the people who took the time and bothered to try to give you the opinions you asked for.

slapshot_oi · Feb 9, 2009, 11:09 AM

I'm not a woman, but I can relate to your boyfriend. I don't know why, but if I like a chic I just have to tease her. And sometimes it gets out of hand, but I've noticed that when it does, it's usually because I don't respect them.

Although you've denied it, there is something wrong with your relationship. If he respected you he wouldn't dare call you a whore or fat. And we all can see that you are bothered by what he says from the mere fact you posted here.

Quit lying to yourself, you're not kiddin' anyone.

neverme · Feb 9, 2009, 11:16 AM

Slapshot,

There is a massive difference between teasing and abuse.

Teasing is playful, this has gone too far, the insults that are used are very harsh and hurtful and if anyone especially my significant other called me any of the above I would hit the roof.

Also, teasing is done between two people, he does this 'when he is bored'. Does that not say enough?

slapshot_oi · Feb 9, 2009, 11:58 AM

Originally Posted by neverme

Slapshot,

There is a massive difference between teasing and abuse.

Teasing is playful, this has gone too far, the insults that are used are very harsh and hurtful and if anyone especially my significant other called me any of the above I would hit the roof.

Also, teasing is done between two people, he does this 'when he is bored'. Does that not say enough?

You're reiterating what I said. I wrote that he doesn't respect her, which is another way of saying he "abuses" her, although I tend to think abuse is too harshly applied here. Relationship abuse is rooted in pure malevolence, he's just bored and knows he can treat her like a pal and not a girlfriend and she'll take it.

He only is with her because it keeps him from being bored. Anyone can take her place. It's just a case of incompatibility.

I'm pretty sensitive with semantics.

asking · Feb 9, 2009, 12:29 PM

Originally Posted by neverme

Slapshot,

There is a massive difference between teasing and abuse.

Teasing is playful, this has gone too far, the insults that are used are very harsh and hurtful and if anyone especially my significant other called me any of the above I would hit the roof.

Also, teasing is done between two people, he does this 'when he is bored'. Does that not say enough?

I don't agree that there's a massive difference between teasing and abuse. I think they are related, although some forms of teasing can be loving and Okay. I appreciate slopshot's honest post, which is consistent with my experience with many men and some women, too. Persistent teasing isn't a sign of respect.

(Regarding women, I had a female room mate once who was constantly insulting me "jokingly." It got old incredibly fast and she was really difficult to avoid. I moved out. I just wasn't interested in her game.) Men who make lots of jokes at my expense never seem to have my interests at heart in other areas either. I am learning to avoid the teasing kind, even if their intent is hard to pin down. In dating, I've also noticed that quite a few men want to establish the right to tease on the first or second date. They say "I like to tease. Is that okay?" or something similar. I usually ask what they consider teasing and explain that it's not something I enjoy if it's basically just insults. Some men are fine with that. Others almost immediately start testing the waters to see how much of an insult they can deliver before I drop them.

In general, the level of humor isn't very interesting. I once said something flattering about a waitress and my date "jokingly" kept accusing me of being a lesbian for the rest of the evening. I laughed the first couple of times, just to be nice. After he'd brought it up for the 8th or so time, I said, "I'm done now. Can we talk about something else?" And he started an argument--right there in the restaurant. He insisted that "repetition is the soul of humor." I just thought he was being a jerk and a bore. It felt like he was trying to address some perceived insecurity in me (and failing, as it turned out).

The fact that talong's boyfriend goes after areas that she's slightly insecure about is a sign that he has similar intent. E.g. when she indicates anxiety about a few pimples, he comes up with the acne joke. If she comes stops arguing with us long enough to think about this, I bet she'll see the pattern. I'm guessing he doesn't make jokes about anything she's totally secure about.

She can joke about His weight because he doesn't care about that. She should try something that most men are insecure about and see if he still laughs.

neverme · Feb 9, 2009, 12:47 PM

I was making a distinction between teasing and abuse. I think teasing is too loose a word for what's going on her, although I might say abuse it possibly too harsh. It is borderline abuse, in my opinion.

By the way the first line was directed at you. The rest was directed at the OP. My fault for not making that more clear. So yes, I may have been reiterating what you were saying slightly but it was my opinion to the OP.

Sorry for any confusion :)

talaniman · Feb 9, 2009, 01:10 PM

How He Annoys Me: Calls me names: variations of fat and ugly jokes, slut, whore, skank, etc. Makes noises/sings loudly. Recently i started to get a few pimples here and there and went to the derm. for medication and then that night he made an acne joke. Makes jokes about me not being tan right now, or the fact that i've been slacking in the gym. Jokingly calls me , psycho, annoying. Tickles me, playfully punches, and what not. etc... it'd take forever to write down all the stuff he does.

If he does this out of love, and affection, what does he do when he is angry???

asking · Feb 9, 2009, 01:11 PM

Originally Posted by neverme

I was making a distinction between teasing and abuse. I think teasing is too loose a word for what's going on her, although I might say abuse it possibly too harsh. It is borderline abuse, in my opinion.

By the way the first line was directed at you. The rest was directed at the OP. My fault for not making that more clear. So yes, I may have been reiterating what you were saying slightly but it was my opinion to the OP.

Sorry for any confusion :)

Likewise. I thought you were saying there was a sharp demarcation between the two, but it appears you are saying the opposite, that it's a matter of degree, which I agree with. I agree this situation is ambiguous, at least for the OP.

Romefalls19 · Feb 9, 2009, 01:12 PM

Originally Posted by talaniman

If he does this out of love, and affection, what does he do when he is angry???

Ha ha I was wondering the same thing! I joke around with my spouse but nothing this out of hand.

We are curious, what does he say or do when he is angry?

neverme · Feb 9, 2009, 01:23 PM

Originally Posted by asking

Likewise. I thought you were saying there was a sharp demarcation between the two, but it appears you are saying the opposite, that it's a matter of degree, which I agree with. I agree this situation is ambiguous, at least for the OP.

Indubitably :D

DSMom · Feb 9, 2009, 02:46 PM

Originally Posted by talong89

haha WOW. okay guys... seriously... you don't even know how i feel or handle it so how can you decide if it's bad for me?
First of all, i find the jokes funny... we have a very similar sense of humor. And the jokes that he makes don't bother me... seriously guys- it's not just me being blind and not wanting to see it. He's an amazing boyfriend.
Second of all, i've been in an actual abusive relationship. He was the one i lost my virginity to and i thought that he loved me. He abused me verbally and physically- then locked me in the house and took my cell phone so i couldn't call the cops... there's still an EPO (emergency protective order) against him. So, i know what an abusive relationship is, not to mention that my dad was an abusive alcoholic when i was a kid to my mom.... so i know what to look for. I've worked (volunteered) with a local program that helps young girls out. i know what to look for- guess what? it's not present in our relationship.
We've had our rough patches here and there like every other couple does... but in the end we both realized our true feelings. You guys really shoudn't have jumped the gun with this.... I'm not some young blind girl that's being abused.

Thanks for trying to tell me that i'm in a bad relatinoship.. but all i was curious about if every girl had the same attitude about that or what. I don't need anyone tot ell me not to be with him.

If you do not want input... then why ask?

I was in a relationship like this too... all joking, we knew we LOVED each other blah blah blah... Guess what (I was in a prior abusinve relationship too) and all of the joking turned itno SERIOUS CONTROL before too long. My phone was gone through, the name calling got to be more, then it just turned UGLY. He never once raised a hand at me (unless we were "play fighting") but I remember telling him "I wish you would just hit me instead of talking to me and treating me this way... th ebruises would go away but what you are doing to me will last and last"

I was in that relationship for FIVE YEARS... Now that I am not anymore, I cannot believe I actually let someone fool me into their controlling behavior... what your boyfriend does is EXACTLY how this guy was... then it turned for the worse... do some soul searching... of you worked with people to help with keeping them out of abusinve behavior, you KNOW these are all signs... search yourself, don't be happy just to "be"... better yourself.

starbuck8 · Feb 9, 2009, 03:46 PM

Originally Posted by DSMom

If you do not want input... then why ask?

I was in a relationship like this too... all joking, we knew we LOVED each other blah blah blah... Guess what (I was in a prior abusinve relationship too) adn all of the joking turned itno SERIOUS CONTROL before too long. My phone was gone through, the name calling got to be more, then it just turned UGLY. He never once raised a hand at me (unless we were "play fighting") but I remember telling him "I wish you would just hit me instead of talking to me and treating me this way... th ebruises would go away but what you are doing to me will last and last"

I was in that relationship for FIVE YEARS.... Now that I am not anymore, I cannot believe I actually let someone fool me into their controlling behavior... what your boyfriend does is EXACTLY how this guy was... then it turned for the worse... do some soul searching... of you worked with people to help with keeping them out of abusinve behavior, you KNOW these are all signs... search yourself, don't be happy just to "be"... better yourself.

I've been wondering all along why the question was asked if feedback was only going to be ignored and critiqued?

I also was in one of these "non-abusive" relationships. The cutesy name calling, and the play punching were considered to be affectionate joking between the two of us. We loved each other very much too! We had an understanding between us! I became used to it! Then I missed when it started to change from playful, and was becoming verbal abuse, because it was normal. Of course we still loved each other! He was still being playful, after all. Then it just progressed, and I started to get numb to it. I wasn't noticing the signs. But of course we still loved each other. Well, of course this got even more boring to him, so he had to up the ante! Slut turned into "stunned c*#*", the playful punches turned into bruises! Fast forward 12 years! I was a shell of what I was before I met him! I had no self confidence, no self esteem, no self worth!. and more broken bones in my body than I care to count!

So if you think this is a fun game now? Be prepared for chips to fall, because it is no longer a fun game when you are sitting in the emergency room.

Alty · Feb 9, 2009, 04:11 PM

I've also been in a relationship with verbal abuse that turned physical, it's amazing what you will accept when yourself esteem is low and you're young. It didn't take long for me to get out though, once he actually hit me I was gone.

This relationship is just on the verge of turning ugly, but sadly the OP won't listen, I guess she thinks she know so much more then those of us who've lived through it.

OP, I wish you luck, heck, maybe we're wrong, maybe, just maybe, he'll be the only verbal abuser who just sticks to verbal abuse. As long as you're okay with it, which I don't think you are otherwise why the post, then do what you want, we can't stop you anyway.

Ana52408 · Feb 9, 2009, 08:34 PM

Originally Posted by talong89

haha WOW. okay guys... seriously... you don't even know how i feel or handle it so how can you decide if it's bad for me?
First of all, i find the jokes funny... we have a very similar sense of humor. And the jokes that he makes don't bother me... seriously guys- it's not just me being blind and not wanting to see it. He's an amazing boyfriend.
Second of all, i've been in an actual abusive relationship. He was the one i lost my virginity to and i thought that he loved me. He abused me verbally and physically- then locked me in the house and took my cell phone so i couldn't call the cops... there's still an EPO (emergency protective order) against him. So, i know what an abusive relationship is, not to mention that my dad was an abusive alcoholic when i was a kid to my mom.... so i know what to look for. I've worked (volunteered) with a local program that helps young girls out. i know what to look for- guess what? it's not present in our relationship.
We've had our rough patches here and there like every other couple does... but in the end we both realized our true feelings. You guys really shoudn't have jumped the gun with this.... I'm not some young blind girl that's being abused.

Thanks for trying to tell me that i'm in a bad relatinoship.. but all i was curious about if every girl had the same attitude about that or what. I don't need anyone tot ell me not to be with him.

I agree totally... that's what boredom does to you, my boyfriend calls me his gordita and I'm not fat. I'm actually 5'4 as well and I weigh 115lbs as well. But I LOVEEEEEE FOOD. And I eat a lot. And I don't go to the gym, I just swim! If it gets annoying tell him hey babe slow it down with the jokes your sort of hurting my feelings... but if you don't care about them and go along, then hey! You have a great sense of humor and if it doesn't annoy you then that's fine... but also, don't let him cross the line. Keep your dignity and self respect, never forget thosee.

starbuck8 · Feb 10, 2009, 01:06 AM

Originally Posted by Ana52408

I agree totally....that's what boredom does to you, my boyfriend calls me his gordita and im not fat. im actually 5'4 as well and i weigh 115lbs as well. But I LOVEEEEEE FOOD. and i eat a lot. and i dont go to the gym, i just swim! if it gets annoying tell him hey babe slow it down with the jokes your sorta hurting my feelings....but if you dont care about them and go along, then hey! you have a great sense of humor and if it doesnt annoy you then thats fine....but also, dont let him cross the line. Keep your dignity and self respect, never forget thosee.

It's so disturbing to me that young girls are not holding themselves to higher standards. Why are you letting men degrade you? Jokingly or otherwise, there is a lack of respect! The respect people in general should have for each other, the respect a man and a woman should have for each other, and self respect! I do understand the occasional joke, and the playfulness of it. What I don't understand or agree with, is the unnecessary crude and constant name calling, being seen as affection. Apparently respect has gone out the window, and this is what has become acceptable and also deemed "normal!"

By the way, and FYI, I'm not a prude or an angel by any means of your imagination in case you are wondering. I could out-do your stories and experiences, hands down! I just learned to have more respect for myself.

Ana, this was not really directed towards you. I agree that there is a line. But if someone has a good sense of humour, they don't have to use you as their target, under the guise of it being funny! The problem is... when is that line crossed. I see "gordita" as more of a pet name. It's not the same as slut, whore, skank,. along with the other names. These are the names that are disrespectful, and I see as red flags in the future.