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Careful07 · Jan 27, 2009, 10:02 PM

I've been seeing this man for a while now, and I admit I have feelings for him. The man that I'm seeing is married, I know it's no excuse, I didn't find out he was married until about a year into seeing him and I had already gained strong feelings for him. I've tried to stop seeing him, but it's hard, and he always fights to keep seeing me. I know the right thing to do, but it's so hard to leave him, especially when he fights so hard to keep this going. Is there anyone who's been in this situation that has any advice for me, I'm so lost right now. :confused:

MarkwithaK · Jan 27, 2009, 10:09 PM

Yes I have. Get out now. No good can come from this.

J_9 · Jan 27, 2009, 10:18 PM

I hope he does not have children.

simoneaugie · Jan 27, 2009, 10:26 PM

Call and talk to his wife. Tell her how sorry you are. Let her know how hard it is to let him be, married. See what she says.

neverme · Jan 28, 2009, 08:14 AM

Leave. Don't say anything to anyone. Just go and don't look back.

Synnen · Jan 28, 2009, 08:22 AM

Stop seeing him.

Change your phone number.

Tell him that once his divorce is final, you'll be happy to date him--but that you would like a copy of the divorce papers before you'd even consider it.

Then stop talking to him. Period.

Jake2008 · Jan 28, 2009, 08:37 AM

I have to agree that you need to end the relationship.

A married man is not available. Period.

What struck me here as well, is that you were seeing him nearly a year before you knew he was married. He is hardly a person of character, or trustworthy. I would consider anything he says to be a lie.

I don't think simoneaugie deserved a 'reddie' for her/his response. It is just an opinion, and no opinions are wrong. It is worthwhile considering that side of the coin, as far as his wife is concerned. If it were you, how would you feel. If there are children, this makes it worse for all concerned. Chances are his wife knows about you, and do you want to risk a confrontation with her?

Ending a relationship is very, very hard, no matter what the circumstances are. Love is a very strong bond. I hope you find the strength to get out of that relationship, and into a relationship that doesn't start with a lie, and a relationship that has a healthy future.

YOU deserve at least that much.

Alty · Jan 28, 2009, 09:37 AM

He lied to you for a year, didn't tell you he was married and you want a relationship with him? He lied to you, he's lying to his wife, he's a liar and an adulterer.

You're nothing but the "other women", you'll never be "the women". If you stay with him, and he leaves his wife, it's just a matter of time until someone better comes along and he does the same thing to you.

Get out now, this is a dead end.

liz28 · Jan 28, 2009, 06:14 PM

When you have the time read the threads from other women in your situation.

Going down this road on lead to misery. Then it will turn into denial, anger, and major heartache. Is this what you want?

This guy didn't even tell you from the start he was married and regardless of your feelings for him you should've left. He will never leave his wife and will lie to you about everything while feeding you everything you want to hear. Being the other women is never good so leave him and find someone that is single and wants to be with you so that you can be the only woman in their life. Doesn't that sound much better.

Otherwise, stay and be misery and let him have his cake but I wonder what other female is giving his desert. Hmm! Oh yeah, this isn't love.

southerngalps · Jan 28, 2009, 06:17 PM

He's fighting to be with you because he is getting what he needs from you that he is not getting from his wife, and getting everything from his wife that he doesn't get with you.

He is just using you for his needs.

If he left his wife and divorced, then that is a different story.

Careful07 · Jan 31, 2009, 12:33 AM

I know all of you are right, and I'm working on it. Thank you all for the good advice.

liz28 · Jan 31, 2009, 12:40 AM

Leaving him would be the first step and the longer you prolong you will only get deeper and deeper into this situation that leads no where.

After you leave him you work on yourself.

N0help4u · Jan 31, 2009, 07:52 AM

Realize if he was fighting so hard for you he would have made tangible steps in divorcing and being with you. He is playing you and deceiving his wife.
While I would not necessarily do as simon said and call and tell his wife it is a valid point. Think about what she would say, how she would react, what a difference it would make...
Like how would he feel about you then? Would he never want to speak to you again and choose his wife over you? Would she kick him to the curb and then he would come to you for convenience? No matter what the out come he does not love you more so no good can come of it.
As the others have said you are just fulfilling something that he is lacking with his wife but you will never be anything more than the other woman,

Think about yourself! Why would you want to waste your time, life and energy on a man you have no future with when you SHOULD be out finding a caring guy that will fulfill your desires without you being the side dish?

talaniman · Jan 31, 2009, 03:41 PM

He is fighting very hard to keep you his sideline thing. Thats what cheaters do.

Sorry, but I need to know how a man keeps his wife a secret for a year. There had to be signs you ignored, weren't there?

Now that you know, staying with him shouldn't be an option as you must know he is using your feelings against you.

Tell him to leave you alone, or you will tell his wife, that simple, no thinking, or hand wringing, just do it.

Careful07 · Feb 6, 2009, 01:30 AM

There may have been signs, but I honestly didn't notice them. We met through mutual friends and none of them ever said anything about a wife. We hung out with his friends and not a word. We spent a lot of time together. I just happened to find out while having a casual conversation with a mutual acquaintance that didn't know we were seeing each other.

I'm trying to distance myself from him and those friends who kept the information from me.

liz28 · Feb 6, 2009, 03:32 AM

Yeah some friends with friends like those who needs enemies but did they know the two of you was goiht out?

Careful07 · Feb 6, 2009, 07:16 AM

Yes they knew, that's why I couldn't understand why they kept the info from me. I asked and they simply said it wasn't their business to tell.

talaniman · Feb 6, 2009, 07:34 AM

You need some new friends!

Jake2008 · Feb 6, 2009, 09:05 AM

I wouldn't be too hard on your friends. It's an awkward position for them too.

I was faced with the same situation. I knew that my friend's husband was cheating, because the woman at the time that he was seeing, came to me for financial advice. Her and her husband were having trouble balancing the chequebook.

I could not breech confidentiality, but, I agonized over knowing that my friend's husband was cheating.

In the end, as these things often go, the 'girlfriend' eventually figures it out. Maybe that is what the friends were thinking that didn't say what was going on. They also risked the loss of a friendship by telling too, because you may not have believed them anyway, and thought they were trying to destroy a perfectly legit relationship.

Love is blind.

HistorianChick · Feb 6, 2009, 09:13 AM

Originally Posted by Careful07

Yes they knew, that's why I couldn't understand why they kept the info from me. I asked and they simply said it wasn't their business to tell.

I'm with Tal on this one. You need new friends.

A simple, "He's married." Would have sufficed.

If you are REALLY committed to getting out of this relationship because you know that it's wrong, what steps are you doing to extricate yourself from him?

Have you changed your phone number? Have you deleted emails? Have you told him you're done?

These are all things that you need to do. It's not just going to go away; you must be proactive in this.

He will definitely fight to keep you. You're the yummy frosting on his stale marriage cupcake; but you shouldn't settle to be the frosting... you should be the cake, too. Until he can make you his "cake" and "frosting," he should be off limits.