[greatbignow]

It sounds like you've made up your mind.

Would you move here and work at the local Taco Bell? Would you? I doubt it.

[DJ28]

I would if it had to do with someone I was deeply in love with and kids that I loved with all my heart. I would never choose anything over my family.

[greatbignow]

You know....

What your wife may be looking for here is that you put her and the kids before yourself and your education and your career.

Just once.

I am; that's why I also reassured her that if she came home we'd get a smaller, cheaper, and more efficient house so she can go to nursing school and not have to work. That IS putting her before myself. Personally? I'd like to finish my doctorate but I will put it on hold for her. What I won't do is follow her up to Fayetteville and give up my job to do it. It sounds like some of the posters are telling me to give up everything to follow her around and show her she's important to me. Well, she is important to me but I'm going to be logical and reasonable about these things too. Why give up what you have worked so hard for after she essentially ran away? I'll be here when she comes back, but I almost think she needed to go up there to realize that our lives down here were not that bad (she agreed with that one as well). Perfect? No. In need of work on our relationship and communication? Sure. How I missed that she was miserable enough to leave like she did is beyond me. I have to "read" clients/students on a daily basis, but I missed what was going on at home.

Like I posted before, we had planned on her returning to school once our debts allowed us to do so. Was it a ploy to keep her subjugated and servile? Of course not! We have bills to pay, and to live in the house she wants to it takes two paychecks. Once our debts are paid down then we can look at having a lower income. Ok, I'm done for today.

[Synnen]

You are incredibly angry with your wife, for more than just leaving.

She's probably pretty angry at you right now, too, for dictating how HER life will be. Regardless of the losses, sometimes you just can NOT stay at a job you hate. Life is too short to spend 1/3 of it hating what you're doing.

And honey--your WIFE worked at a dead-end, minimum wage job for YOU, so that YOU could go to school. Why wouldn't you be willing to do the same for her?

[greatbignow]

So was there a connection? You wouldn't make love to her because the house was messy? Also, I thought you said earlier that the dishes and laundry were something you did. Did you also not do these chores regularly?

Actually, I have to say there IS a connection. I can't get "in the mood" when the laundry is overflowing and everything is messy. That's VERY true of me. All of that has to be in order first or I just don't feel right. Not sure there's anything wrong with that though.

[Synnen]

I am; that's why I also reassured her that if she came home we'd get a smaller, cheaper, and more efficient house so she can go to nursing school and not have to work. That IS putting her before myself. Personally? I'd like to finish my doctorate but I will put it on hold for her. What I won't do is follow her up to Fayetteville and give up my job to do it. It sounds like some of the posters are telling me to give up everything to follow her around and show her she's important to me. Well, she is important to me but I'm going to be logical and reasonable about these things too. Why give up what you have worked so hard for after she essentially ran away? I'll be here when she comes back, but I almost think she needed to go up there to realize that our lives down here were not that bad (she agreed with that one as well). Perfect? No. In need of work on our relationship and communication? Sure. How I missed that she was miserable enough to leave like she did is beyond me. I have to "read" clients/students on a daily basis, but I missed what was going on at home.

yes--but it's still IF she came home. You're not willing to put her first if she doesn't. You're not willing to put HER needs first--by sticking around even if things aren't going the way YOU want them to.

Your doctorate, your doctorate, your doctorate. I've heard more about THAT than I have about your kids, frankly. You make it sound like you're making this HUGE sacrifice for your wife by putting off your doctorate. I bet you any money that she'd be happy to NOT hear about your doctorate AT ALL, not ONE WORD until after she has her Master's. Can you shut up about it that long? Can you put your family before your wants long enough for her to get what SHE wants?

I know for a FACT that my husband would drop school, his job, and his wants if I left like your wife did and ran to my parents. He'd quit his job, get a job doing ANYTHING, live in a crappy apartment, all for the CHANCE to make things work between us. He WOULD bankrupt us to do it, too, if that's what it took. And we don't even have kids in the equation!

No, you're not a bad guy. You're just self-centered from everything I've read, and you're waaaaaaay too focused on material things.

[greatbignow]

I would if it had to do with someone I was deeply in love with and kids that i loved with all my heart. i would never choose anything over my family.

But that's just it; you don't have to choose. Heck, I could cut out my heart and give it to her on a plate to prove my love for her, but that's darn foolish too... I'd only love her for a few minutes before everything went black. Love? Sure... but don't be foolish either. You shouldn't HAVE to give up things like that for people you love. I wouldn't ask her to do the same. That's like asking her to drop out of nursing school because I want to live somewhere else... there's a way to work that out without sacrificing yourself needlessly.

[greatbignow]

You are incredibly angry with your wife, for more than just leaving.

She's probably pretty angry at you right now, too, for dictating how HER life will be. Regardless of the losses, sometimes you just can NOT stay at a job you hate. Life is too short to spend 1/3 of it hating what you're doing.

And honey--your WIFE worked at a dead-end, minimum wage job for YOU, so that YOU could go to school. Why wouldn't you be willing to do the same for her?

Just to be clear; I worked at several dead-end, minimum wage jobs so I could go to school. Until the last year of grad school she stayed at home with the children... which of course I realize is a full-time job in itself that has no set hours. I've been taking care of our children as their primary caretaker over the past year, so I do appreciate it.

Another correction, I AM willing to do the same. That's why I agreed to stay here for the next 4 years and let her finish the educational program of her choice. She voiced wanting to teach middle-school science because we'd have quite a few of the same holidays and time off... "family time." She recently decided to go into nursing. Also, it's going to be almost completely free and there won't be any additional student loan debt because of it... how can we go wrong?

[greatbignow]

yes--but it's still IF she came home. You're not willing to put her first if she doesn't. You're not willing to put HER needs first--by sticking around even if things aren't going the way YOU want them to.

Your doctorate, your doctorate, your doctorate. I've heard more about THAT than I have about your kids, frankly. You make it sound like you're making this HUGE sacrifice for your wife by putting off your doctorate. I bet you any money that she'd be happy to NOT hear about your doctorate AT ALL, not ONE WORD until after she has her Master's. Can you shut up about it that long? Can you put your family before your wants long enough for her to get what SHE wants?

I know for a FACT that my husband would drop school, his job, and his wants if I left like your wife did and ran to my parents. He'd quit his job, get a job doing ANYTHING, live in a crappy apartment, all for the CHANCE to make things work between us. He WOULD bankrupt us to do it, too, if that's what it took. And we don't even have kids in the equation!

No, you're not a bad guy. You're just self-centered from everything I've read, and you're waaaaaaay too focused on material things.

She IS coming home. Her mother and step-father are kicking her out because the responsibility of her and the children is simply too much for them, and they don't think her reasons for leaving and uprooting the children are justified. I figure they waited to say anything about it until after the past weekend because they expected her to come home that weekend and possibly not come back. Her own mother doesn't think she made a good decision by leaving. How's THAT one for evidence that I'm not a bad husband?

[greatbignow]

I know for a FACT that my husband would drop school, his job, and his wants if I left like your wife did and ran to my parents. He'd quit his job, get a job doing ANYTHING, live in a crappy apartment, all for the CHANCE to make things work between us. He WOULD bankrupt us to do it, too, if that's what it took. And we don't even have kids in the equation

Maybe so, but surely you wouldn't force your husband to do so... especially on a whim? What if you told him you're leaving your job to join a cult and take over the world... would he do that without thinking or flinching? How about quitting your job and getting into disco dancing for a living? Exotic dancing? Professional binge-drinking (ok, I made that one up)? Point is, you WOULDN'T put such a strain on your relationship or MAKE your husband do such a foolish thing UNLESS it really was important. I wouldn't do that to my wife, either.

[talaniman]

Your choice, make your family happy, or, lose your family.............again. What's so hard about that?

Sorry you don't like to be called a bad listener, but you are, and the proof is in this thread, where you have argued everyone down for the last 20 some pages.

I can just imagine what you do with your wife, and its telling when you can't make love to your woman unless the laundry is done. That's you though, highly stubborn, and unreasonable, and unbending. Trust me, that's a recipe for being alone, and not a sign of being able to care and share, but control.

There will always be conflicts, and clashes with your position, as again these post should have shown you that your position is hard to swallow and we all sympathize with your wife.

If you were a good a listener, as you are an arguer of your position, your wife wouldn't have left you, just because you'd be working together to solve your issues, through caring and compromise.

If you remain rigid in your demands, and positions, and are unwilling to compromise, kiss your family good bye.

If I didn't have empathy for you, and your family, I would be ignoring your a$$!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[greatbignow]

Your choice, make your family happy, or, lose your family.............again. Whats so hard about that?

Sorry you don't like to be called a bad listener, but you are, and the proof is in this thread, where you have argued everyone down for the last 20 some pages.

I can just imagine what you do with your wife, and its telling when you can't make love to your woman unless the laundry is done. Thats you though, highly stubborn, and unreasonable, and unbending. Trust me, thats a recipe for being alone, and not a sign of being able to care and share, but control.

There will always be conflicts, and clashes with your position, as again these post should have shown you that your position is hard to swallow and we all sympathize with your wife.

If you were a good a listener, as you are an arguer of your position, your wife wouldn't have left you, just because you'd be working together to solve your issues, thru caring and compromise.

If you remain rigid in your demands, and positions, and are unwilling to compromise, kiss your family good bye.

If I didn't have empathy for you, and your family, I would be ignoring your a$$!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Then they can leave, and you can certainly ignore me. Obviously I came here for help or I wouldn't have posted the question here, but I'm OK with being ignored. I think this thread is finished. She's coming back, and I'm not going to put myself in a financial or emotional position to be hurt like that again. I'd be happier alone. I almost took out a 30-year mortgage with a woman who wouldn't stay at her job. I'm not going to have my life ruined, and she can go be with people just as whimsical and unstable as she is.

[Alty]

This is getting old.

Either fish or cut bait. Either start talking to your wife and actually listen to what she has to say or wave bye bye.

You're wasting our time. You asked for advice, we gave it, you refuse to listen. If you think you know everything, then why are you asking for advice?

You're obviously just going to do what you want, so do it and get it over with. Stop complaining when your methods don't work.

This is a dead end, I think we've all come to a stand still, including you and your wife. She's not willing to put up with it, and why should she?

It's your way or the highway, you've made that clear. If it was me, I'd choose the highway.

Either start listening to what we say with an open mind, or stop wasting space here.

That's my opinion, but I know you won't agree.

[talaniman]

Maybe I missed it, but how old are you? Is there a trusted male figure, like your father you can talk to??

[sully123]

Then they can leave, and you can certainly ignore me. Obviously I came here for help or I wouldn't have posted the question here, but I'm ok with being ignored. I think this thread is finished. She's coming back, and I'm not going to put myself in a financial or emotional position to be hurt like that again. I'd be happier alone. I almost took out a 30-year mortgage with a woman who wouldn't stay at her job. I'm not going to have my life ruined, and she can go be with people just as whimsical and unstable as she is.

Honestly, you don't deserve her! Any man or so called husband as you say you are, that degrades his wife, like you do, calling her whimsical and unstable, actually makes me sick to my stomach. She be crazy to go back to you, and if she does like you say she is, she won't be around long. Your wife needs to find a man that will put her needs first, instead of me, me, me!

[sylvan_1998]

GreatBIgBow, Go back and watch the reruns of Dharma and Gregg and then see how two opposing philosophies can co-exist when no one has to be right and there is respect for both. When your wife comes back, sit down and set some goals. Ones you both want (dont bully her into yours) - maybe two. Two you want and then let her chose two she wants. Make sure you both are willing to commit to these and go forward from there. Give and take. ANd she will not feel so dominated.

[Wondergirl]

I've been reading this thread since GBN's first post and am seeing his "big picture" and her "details" -- his "forest" and her "trees," his umbrella of security protecting him from the elements and her not worried about raindrops splashing on her unprotected head. I could go on and on with comparisons...

I'm married to someone like GBN. Security is everything. How we save money or spend it is in almost every sentence he speaks. I know why my husband is that way and have learned to roll with it, to use it to the family's advantage. I wonder if there is something in the OP's past that causes him to focus on security to the point that it makes him appear so egocentric, so self-involved. Realizing why he is this way (and it's not a bad thing, but just comes out badly) might help him as he and his wife try to come to some agreement.

[greatbignow]

This is getting old.

Either fish or cut bait. Either start talking to your wife and actually listen to what she has to say or wave bye bye.

You're wasting our time. You asked for advice, we gave it, you refuse to listen. If you think you know everything, then why are you asking for advice?

You're obviously just going to do what you want, so do it and get it over with. Stop complaining when your methods don't work.

This is a dead end, I think we've all come to a stand still, including you and your wife. She's not willing to put up with it, and why should she?

It's your way or the highway, you've made that clear. If it was me, I'd choose the highway.

Either start listening to what we say with an open mind, or stop wasting space here.

That's my opinion, but I know you won't agree.

It wasn't a liberal arts degree; an undergraduate in psychology & history, and a master's degree in counseling. I've also spent several years working as an alcohol & drug abuse counselor. I did come here for advice; some good advice was presented but I think some of the posters started putting out more than just accountability and good advice. It's not "my way or the highway" but I'm not going to be codependant and get suckered into ruining my life. If she wants to be unstable and uproot the children while becoming underemployed or unemployed, she can do it alone. I'll be here when the adventure is over, but I've had my own adventures years ago and I'm not that foolish anymore. Rash and foolish decisions typically come back to haunt us, and I know that for a fact. I've been fortunate to have what little I do, and I'm not going to give it up.

[Alty]

It wasn't a liberal arts degree; an undergraduate in psychology & history, and a master's degree in counseling. I've also spent several years working as an alcohol & drug abuse counselor. I did come here for advice; some good advice was presented but I think some of the posters started putting out more than just accountability and good advice. It's not "my way or the highway" but I'm not going to be codependant and get suckered into ruining my life. If she wants to be unstable and uproot the children while becoming underemployed or unemployed, she can do it alone. I'll be here when the adventure is over, but I've had my own adventures years ago and I'm not that foolish anymore. Rash and foolish decisions typically come back to haunt us, and I know that for a fact. I've been fortunate to have what little I do, and I'm not going to give it up.

This entire post just shows that it is indeed your way or the highway, her dreams, her thoughts, they don't matter to you.

I don't care how many degrees you have, that doesn't make you a better person, husband or father. Do you want me to list my degrees, it doesn't make my advice more or less than anyone else's.

You're right, if she wants to be "unstable" and "underemployed" then it is her decision, because you won't listen. If you did listen, agreed to compromise, then she might stay. You refuse to do this, so I can't blame her if she leaves.

For you the adventure is over, perhaps for her it's just beginning. If her decisions are rash and foolish, well that's her choice. You aren't her keeper, you're supposed to be her partner.

It seems to me like you've already decided what you're going to do, now you get to wait and see what she decides. Personally, I could never stay with a man that wants to control my every action, it's not in my nature.

I can only wish you luck, seeing as you won't listen to anyone's advice.

[greatbignow]

Maybe so, but surely you wouldn't force your husband to do so...especially on a whim? What if you told him you're leaving your job to join a cult and take over the world...would he do that without thinking or flinching? How about quitting your job and getting into disco dancing for a living? Exotic dancing? Professional binge-drinking (ok, I made that one up)? Point is, you WOULDN'T put such a strain on your relationship or MAKE your husband do such a foolish thing UNLESS it really was important. I wouldn't do that to my wife, either.

I did fight for them. I told my wife that the children needed to be back in school in our home town by the time it resumed on January 5th, to which she replied that she would do everything in her power, as well as her family's power to fight me and that "[You] really don't want to open that can of worms." Father's rarely win custody battles like that, unless the mother can be proven to be "unfit" which is difficult and expensive to do. I didn't think this would last more than a few months, and apparently I was right.

Now I'm having to deal with the fact that my wife is talking about letting our 14 year-old daughter finish out the school year up in Fayetteville with her unstable mother and stepfather. I am adamant about my ENTIRE family coming back home. Our other two children will be devastated and miss her immensely (big sister is almost like a god, you know). Also, as has been posted I don't want her to be moved around and pick up on their whimsical habits. I WILL fight for this one...my wife always enters into these crazy arrangements with her mother and step-father, only to regret them later because they won't commit to much of anything! She's complaining right now about how her mother was so much wanting them to live there and her to go to school, and 5 weeks later she's telling her to get out because "they can't handle them." My teenage step-daughter whom I've raised since she was 1 is not going to live up there with those people... and this is yet another example of these hair-brained schemes that my wife and her mother come up with. They've only been in that school for a month, so there's no way I can see justifying it because she doesn't want to move again... does the board agree with me on this one?