[TonyS072]

I have been in a relationship with my wife now for 20 years. For 13 of the years we have been married. We are both 36 years old and we meet at school. My wife and I have 3 children. 9, 7 and 3. For the past 5 years I have treated my wife badly. I have on 3 occasions acted inappropriately with 3 separate ladies. The first occasion I meet a lady at work. We formed a bond and became real close. My wife found a text message on my phone saying ‘I Love you too’. After this I moved away from the marital home. We sought counselling and through time we managed to reconcile things and we moved forward. The lady has since left my current place of employment. One the second occasion I was seen with a lady who my wife disliked. My wife had a gut feeling about this lady. This lady was involved with my son’s soccer team. I was the coach. We were seen together alone. As innocent as it was I except that I shouldn’t have been alone with this lady. We were awaiting the arrival of a third person when we were seen. My wife took this hard as her trust was already very fragile. But to her credit she tried to move forward. I didn’t have any feelings towards this lady. It was more the fact I lied as to my whereabouts. Which I did to protect my wife’s feelings. I should have been honest from the start and I except that. I have since changes soccer teams. On the third and most recent occasion I acted inappropriately with a lady I meet in a club. I was there with a group of friends as it was a going away party. My behaviour was regrettable and I demonstrated bad judgement. As I sat talking to this lady (we were sat with a large group of people) we talked about everything from years married, births of our children (she had three children as well) we spoke about all honest and open family topics. But during the night this lady became very touch feely and for whatever reason I didn’t stop it or her. I am again away from the marital home. With all these 3 women I have never ever sought anything sexual from them. After the first incident I sought help from a psychologist. She help both myself and my wife deal with issues and was a major influence on us surviving. After the second incident I was seeing a doctor or my own and she helped me deal with the lying and I was able to move forward. I only saw this counsellor a few times, on my own. My wife didn’t come and possibly didn’t know I was seeking professional help. After this most recent incident I have returned to my original psychologist and have gone on a mental health plan. I have also been diagnosed as suffering depression. My psychologist has diagnosed me with a form of Attachment Disorder. She can trace this to my childhood up bring where I was raise solely by females. i.e. my mum, nana, aunts etc. I had no solid male influence in my life growing up. So now she feels I can’t connect with males and this is the root of my problem. My Doctor has been in discussion with my psychologist and he is also agrees with her diagnose. She feels as a man all Im seeking is approval from these ladies. Hence me not being interest in sexual pleasure etc. My question to you is do you believe that after reading my brief history do you firstly believe that my mental heath can be responsible for my actions and secondly and most importantly. Do you think there is any way possible I can make my relationship work with my wife? I want to make it work. I fell I have learnt everything about myself now and I can’t possibly hurt her or my family anymore. My wife is adamant were finished. Which I find really sad as I feel my heath issues do play a part and Im working as hard as possible to fix them. My psychologist is confident I can over come them. I am not taking any medication for the depression. I want to feel the pain I caused my family. I don’t want it masked by medication. Am I living in a fairytale world of make believe. Am I ever going to work this out and more importantly am I ever going to gain my wife’s forgiveness and trust. Im willing to work as hard as possible to make it all right.

[N0help4u]

My question to you is do you believe that after reading my brief history do you firstly believe that my mental heath can be responsible for my actions

and secondly and most importantly. Do you think there is any way possible I can make my relationship work with my wife? I want to make it work.

You need to explain to her that you have learned a lot about yourself and relating with others and what you have learned. You need to get her involved with your counseling and have the psychologist back you up on explaining that you feel you are ready to be the husband you should be and why,
You need to put yourself in her place and see how she must feel about the way you seem to attract other woman and not tell them right off that you are happily married. Make her feelings a priority and use what you have learned as a lesson rather than an excuse when you explain things to her. All too often people will talk about how they do things as a cop out rather than a means of bettering themselves.

[cozyk]

Be VERY careful not to blame the disorder. It takes the responsibility off you. It's like "the devil made me do it."
Stress to her that no matter what the circumstances, the personal responsibility is yours and the only way to prove that you have changed is to say, Watch me". Just ask her to put off any major decisions at this time. In the mean time, you be the best person, father, and husband you can be and here is the kicker, you can't expect her to get over it on your time table. The other thing to learn here is that " keeping things from her in order to protect her is a no no. Your behavior should be a totally open book. I wish you well. I hate to see a family break up.

[TonyS072]

Be VERY careful not to blame the disorder. It takes the responsibility off of you. It's like "the devil made me do it."
Stress to her that no matter what the circumstances, the personal responsibility is yours and the only way to prove that you have changed is to say, Watch me". Just ask her to put off any major decisions at this time. In the mean time, you be the best person, father, and husband you can be and here is the kicker, you can't expect her to get over it on your time table. The other thing to learn here is that " keeping things from her in order to protect her is a no no. Your behavior should be a totally open book. I wish you well. I hate to see a family break up.

Im trying to stay very positive. Im going to therapy, and Im trying to learn about myself. Therapy is getting harder though as Im stuck at a point where Im very consumed with my wife and the hurt I cause her and I can’t concentrate on my other thoughts. Im not blaming this disorder and Im not using depression as an excuse. I am responsible for my actions and Im paying the price for my stupidity. What Im trying to decipher is can my disorder, depression contribute to my behaviour. Up until recently I always thought depression, stress etc was mumbo jumbo. Boy how I was wrong. I know I can’t make my wife talk to me, or even listen. I wish I could sit her down, hold her hand and say ‘babe we’ll get through this together’ but I have to give her time and space. Which is hard as I want to make this wrong right. Am I being selfish by wanting this. Is this all about me and am I forgetting her and her feelings. Someone said I was selfish. That confused me heaps as all Im wanting is to stop my wife’s pain.

[cozyk]

Im trying to stay very positive. Im going to therapy, and Im trying to learn about myself. Therapy is getting harder though as Im stuck at a point where Im very consumed with my wife and the hurt I cause her and I can’t concentrate on my other thoughts. Im not blaming this disorder and Im not using depression as an excuse. I am responsible for my actions and Im paying the price for my stupidity. What Im trying to decipher is can my disorder, depression contribute to my behaviour. Up until recently I always thought depression, stress ect was mumbo jumbo. Boy how I was wrong. I know I can’t make my wife talk to me, or even listen. I wish I could sit her down, hold her hand and say ‘babe we’ll get through this together’ but I have to give her time and space. Which is hard as I want to make this wrong right. Am I being selfish by wanting this. Is this all about me and am I forgetting her and her feelings. Someone said I was selfish. That confused me heaps as all Im wanting is to stop my wife’s pain.

I feel for you. I really do. I think you are doing a good thing going to counseling. If my husband was taking that step, I would be happy about it. You are not being selfish, don't worry about that.

[TonyS072]

I feel for you. I really do. I think you are doing a good thing going to counseling. If my husband was taking that step, I would be happy about it. You are not being selfish, don't worry about that.

I feel selfish. I shouldn't have ever hurt my wife. Ever. She's my life and yet I still treated her with contempt and basically took her for granted. And without realising it. Its like I was complacent. I have certainly learnt a lot about myself these past few weeks. It's a shame it always takes something drastic for me to learn. BUT deep down, I know I have made my last mistake. Its all forward from here on I.