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Empty Cans · Jan 21, 2009, 12:37 AM

Yeah... I know the path is long, and I am only really just beginning my journey. My mind definitely still wanders... but just in a different way now. I just don't care as much anymore.

Each time I get a text I still wonder if it could be her... I don't necessarily want it to be her, there's just that split second where my brain lets that possibility enter my head. Those thoughts will go away too in time though... but I definitely don't feel the need to go and change my cellphone number or anything.

But I am getting used to being single again... and it feels good. I know this breakup was a positive thing, even if it has been hell. I'm too young to be ready to commit to a person for the rest of my life, especially as it was my first serious relationship. The wheels would have fallen off eventually anyway, I would have had unanswered questions about whether she was the right person. And who knows... maybe she is... but there is a lot more living to do for the both of us before that is ever decided.

Yosomoton213 · Jan 21, 2009, 12:41 AM

Amen brother. Just use this as a positive event.

Down the road, when you meet a beautiful, nice girl, you're going to have all this experience under your belt. With that said, it would probably work much better than the last one.

If not, well, you learned some more, eh? Relationships are like the hands-on bang-your-head-against-a-wall-for-your-mistakes kind of learning, and it hurts. But you really do come out of them learning something about yourself, the other person, or just the interactions in general.

Good to see you having a positive attitude mate.

Yosomoton213 · Jan 21, 2009, 12:43 AM

Just don't rush it. Wait until a month of NC... then that's when you start feeling pretty good again.

Especially if you have some blonde on your arm.

ImTotallyLost · Jan 23, 2009, 06:17 PM

Originally Posted by Empty Cans

The wheels would have fallen off eventually anyway, I would have had unanswered questions about whether she was the right person. And who knows...maybe she is...but there is a lot more living to do for the both of us before that is ever decided.

Yeah. I hear you. :-D. Right now I am living on the mantra "life is not only about women, there's much more to it".

After all this is over, we should write a book: "The universe just isn't into the idea of you two together. Deal with it."

Empty Cans · Jan 26, 2009, 10:48 PM

Well now its two weeks of NC behind me... and it has been mostly really really good.

I say mostly because today for some reason I really missed her a lot... just wanted to hear her voice, or chat to her online. Of course, I haven't, and I won't... I guess I just long for that connection again. Not that it really matters, but I am sure she's thinking about me too... both of us lost out in all this by losing each others best friend.

But for the other 13 days... it has seemed easy... like a huge relief to have set myself free from constantly wondering what she's up to, and interpreting what she would say to me...

In another couple of weeks it will be 5 months since we broke up... which is actually a really long time. But even so, I'm still not ready for another relationship... which is lucky because there isn't really anything on the cards anyway.

Hopefully today was just a bit of a hiccup and the smooth sailing will continue.

talaniman · Jan 27, 2009, 05:40 AM

It will be like that every now, and then, but it will pass if you let it.

Dare81 · Jan 27, 2009, 05:44 AM

It's a roller coaster. Hang on tight

jmw0713 · Jan 27, 2009, 08:24 AM

Yea man, those feelings will pass. Stay on the straight path to healing with NC.

Wait till you get to week 3 or you reach a whole month, like me, and don't even think about her NEARLY as much.

Wait till you're doing something fun and don't think about her at all. Wait till you see other girls checking you out when you're out at places.

It only gets better as long and you allow time to work it's magic and you don't relapse.

Empty Cans · Feb 2, 2009, 01:34 AM

I'm really upset at myself right now...

So its almost been three weeks... and I have been doing fine... actually I have been doing great. Going out, having a lot of fun, and even hooking up with a couple of girls. I actually had a date on Sunday... it didn't go great... she was nice but Im not all that interested... but it was a date, so good to get one out of the way.

Anyway, I have to admit I have been bad, in that I have been checking out my ex's Facebook page, as she is still in my network so I can still view it... but she can't see mine as I changed that setting.

Anyway... today was one of those days where I wanted to have a look... but it wouldn't let me go into her profile. So I wondered what was up... and being my stupid self... I decided to log into her account. I still know her p/w... although I don't think she knows this. And low and behold I find out something its better off I would be better off not knowing. I won't get into it and will just leave it at that...

I'm just p*ssed off at myself for caving in and allowing myself to get hurt like this again. This is my own stupid self letting myself get hurt again. That feeling of immense came back in my stomach and I immediately lost my appetite and felt crppy again.

I'll admit its not as bad as the first time I found out about her and another guy... I feel much better equipped to deal with it now. It just still really hurts... and I have no one to blame but myself. Its just knocked me back a bit... not to square one, but back a couple of squares.

I'm embarressed at myself for snooping... I just have weak moments where curiosity gets the better of me. I don't really know how to deal with those urges...

I mean I could tell her to change her password... but that would probably cause more harm than good. I guess I just have to try and be stronger.

EC

zeeniee · Feb 2, 2009, 04:16 AM

HI Empty Cans,

It must be very hard- and curiosity can get really get to one in such difficult times- well hopefully you won't do that again-- as you know how much pain you will give yourself...

Next time you feel like that-- make a break and go and put some loud music on-- or leave the room/house or go and ring a friend for a few minutes and say hi -- till that urge to go on Facebook goes away/dampens down...

Keep going- your a lot stronger than you think!

ImTotallyLost · Feb 2, 2009, 05:33 AM

Yeah EC... that was really bad... Curiosity killed the cat.

That's why it doesn't help to delete from Facebook if you still want to know about the other person... You need to really forget about her. Totally. As in "not give a damn about her". Next time, just get out of the house, or go watch some TV. Or call a friend. Just get away from the computer.

And don't worry about what you've done already. Forgive yourself and move forward.

kctiger · Feb 2, 2009, 06:05 AM

Where is RomeFalls at when you need him??

We have told people time and TIME again to forget Facebook exists. If you are going through a rough break up, having a Facebook or MySpace account can make it worse... a lot worse, as you can see in your case. Block Facebook on your computer... I realize you accessed her account, which is even worse, but man... you have got to leave the Facebook world in the past. That website is death for you right now.

Carry on... :cool:

JDLNYC · Feb 2, 2009, 07:19 AM

Yah Empty Cans... you don't have to beat yourself up too much. I know the pain. You just want to go back and NOT look. We learn. Be kind to yourself for making a silly mistake. I'm not sure if this is possible but you could try to send her an email from someone else that says they believe her password was stolen and she should change it. Trust me... you don't want to know her password. There is nothing good that will ever come from knowing what an ex is doing when you're in No Contact.

I think you saw that breaking that no contact (even in this indirect way) feels like it took you back to step one or at least step 4 or 5 and its hard. Just feel the pain (you're learning from it). The urges will come to look again (I call that the little devil in you)... just have a course of action you'll always do when that devil visits. Write to a friend on Facebook instead of looking at her...

You'll be fine. Now go give yourself a pat on the back for doing so great (even with this little slip).

Empty Cans · Feb 2, 2009, 11:38 AM

I had a bit of a sleepless night waking up a few times... reminded me of the bad old days of a few months ago when that was the norm to be waking every few hours.

But I know I will bounce back from this. I have to just completely forget about her and lose that curiosity into what she is doing.

I guess I just still feel this great sense of loss... that I threw away something amazing but my selfish decision to move away. It doesn't really matter now, because it has happened. Sometimes I just feel like "maybe she was as good as it will get" for me.

As much as blocking Facebook might help, I don't really see it as an option. As I live away from my hometown its my main way of staying in touch. I just need to learn how to deal with these urges of curiosity to know what she is up to... I know I can do it.

ImTotallyLost · Feb 2, 2009, 11:55 AM

Haha. Hey EC, trust me on this on: she is not as good as it will get. She was probably great, but there are other great people around.

Do not regret having moved away. You had to do what you had to do. You don't see it right now but you'll soon be over her, it's just a matter of opening the eyes to the qualities of girls around you. They will always be different from your ex, which doesn't mean they will be worse. In time you'll start noticing this (hell, this only hit me on the past weekend).

But think about if you hadn't moved away and then you've broke up afterwards. That regret, of having sacrificed your career for her, that's even worse. Chances are the reason why your ex was with you is exactly the very reason why you moved out, to begin with.

jmw0713 · Feb 2, 2009, 12:21 PM

You'll be fine in a few days EC.

I agree with what ITL said. Be glad you chose your career first. You're young. You have all of your life ahead of you. This is the part of your life where you either make something of yourself, or fall back into the shadows of mediocrity. Your actions today will determine your future. In my opinion, you made the best choice for yourself.

If you didn't make that choice, who knows what would have happened, but I bet you would still be going through a break-up.

Empty Cans · Feb 2, 2009, 02:06 PM

Thanks for the kind words guys. Its good to know I can come on here, let off some steam... and always have your guys support... even though we are all complete strangers!

I don't really like talking about it with friends or family anymore... it must just drive them up the wall.

Career wise it was a good choice to move away... and deep down I know that this break up would most likely have happened eventually anyway, simply because I would not have been equipped with the skills to make it last forever... and ironically this break up is teaching me those skills.

I guess it just really hurts picturing her with other guys... a big part of me still sees her as mine. But in time those thoughts will go away too.

wolfgangqpublic · Feb 2, 2009, 02:20 PM

Originally Posted by Empty Cans

I guess it just really hurts picturing her with other guys...a big part of me still sees her as mine. But in time those thoughts will go away too.

It may help to think and recall that she never was yours, and you were never hers. Yeah, I know you were "for each other", but no person even in marriage controls the other person. Everyone is free and independent to act as they please, for better or for worse. You've left her life and she has every right to move on.

And guess what? So do you. Wouldn't you be ticked off if you started seeing another woman and things started to go well - and all of a sudden she was back and giving you grief? I think you'd be pretty upset!

What you guys shared was important to you, and odds are, it was important to her as well. Doesn't change the fact that it just wasn't right, but it doesn't make it less valuable. I also can say with faith that for the vast majority of people, these early relationships are not the best there will be. The only people who lose those ones tend to do it with massive personal failings. What you have to do is be open to the world and the opportunities around you, and something will finds it way.

jmw0713 · Feb 2, 2009, 02:45 PM

Yep. I used to feel the same way man. I know my ex is with somebody else. A part of me still wants her. I just keep telling myself that there is someone better for me out there, somewhere.

After a while you will reach the point where I'm at. You acknowledge that the relationship is over (truly 100%). You become indifferent when you hear news about them, or when people bring them up in conversation. You wish them good luck and much happiness the last time you talk to them, and you disappear. This is when you let time grab you and direct you toward your future, whatever that may be.

You learn to let go of all the animosity of the break-up and all of the things that they did to you and you did to them and file all those memories away somewhere in your brain. Then as you start experiencing life as a free, single person, those memories will comeback. However this time they will be pleasant, without the animosity or pain that was associated with them before. You then use those memories and those experiences, from which you have learned, to make the proper choices in new situations that will inevitably happen.

Yes, she was a big part of your life, in the fact that you learned a lot from her and your relationship you had with her. To that, you should be thankful for the knowledge that you have gain.

I think we should all be thankful for what our past relationships have taught us. We are all alive. We are all human. We all are constantly changing. We each love differently.

The most important part is the fact that we do love and we have loved and we will all find a person to share these special feelings, that are unique to all of us, once again. The best part is, it will be better before because we have learned how to be better people, from the knowledge we have gained from our past relationships.

ImTotallyLost · Feb 2, 2009, 04:52 PM

Originally Posted by Empty Cans

I don't really like talking about it with friends or family anymore... it must just drive them up the wall.

Get someone very close (in the family or something) and let him be someone with whom you can talk about this. Preferably someone that is close enough. It helps a lot to just talk about it sometimes. I am using my roommate. Poor guy. But he understands. He keeps avoiding me when I am with that face, but deep down, he knows how important it is for me to be able to vent.

With your other friends, just don't talk about it. Forget it. It's easy when you are talking with someone else. It's hard to start a conversation but once it starts, it becomes easy. It gives you relief. If you have a female friend, it is even better. For some reason it gives you an extra incentive not to talk about you ex and engage in pleasant conversation. At least that's how I feel.

Career wise it was a good choice to move away... and deep down I know that this break up would most likely have happened eventually anyway, simply because I would not have been equipped with the skills to make it last forever... and ironically this break up is teaching me those skills.

Exactly. That's the irony of it all. Same thing here. At some point, my ex could have moved to the same place I live, but that would have meant sacrificing a top school for 2nd rate one. I know that if she had chosen the 2nd path one of the two would have happened: she would be annoyed at me because I made her sacrifice her career or I would be disappointed at her for missing such an opportunity when we are still so young. It would have been over in no time!