Check out some similar questions!

expat2009 · Jan 14, 2009, 02:08 AM

If we can rescue anything from this terrible situation it's LEARNING. You, everyone here, and I, are learning tons about ourselves and relationships. All this new wisdom will be very valuable in our future relationships. If they are worth it, not only will they last longer but they will be more fulfilling. More fair to us. We will avoid mistakes we've made in the past and benefit from it greatly. I have no doubt most of us will find someone better eventually and will find happiness in ourselves as we heal.

YES, it will be hard. But the fact is, she is confused and doesn't know what she wants. You think she's figured it out by now? How will she know what to answer you if she doesn't even know herself? If you seek closure from her, you will never get it. Why? Because she doesn't want to close it yet. She wants to keep you there at her side for whenever she needs your friendship. What about you? Don't your feelings matter? Anything she says will not only make you feel bad but will confuse you even more and hold you back. What is it you are expecting to hear from her? Be careful with doing this. If it's what you believe go on, but be prepared for pain. And if you go through with it I would advice that you go FULL NC and start working on YOU as soon as you can.

Dwelling on the past will solve nothing--it will not get her back nor let you move on-- so practice looking into the future. Figure out what's next for you. The future is beautiful but you won't get to enjoy it if you are still not over your past. Past is exactly that, PAST.. you cannot change it all you can do is learn from it and use it to your advantage for the future. You will be more prepared than ever to face it.

Whatever happens I hope it goes well, if it doesn't learn from it and use it for the future.

lazzyboyy313 · Jan 14, 2009, 02:30 AM

I'll have to play it by ear really. Right now I'd say I'm going to have this conversation with her but when I sit back and look at the greater picture I don't know if I want to. When I play the scenario in my head we talk and I somehow the revelation hits her that I'm a great guy and she was a fool for trying to leave me. Of course I also play the flip-side where she get's pissed and basically has no desire to speak to me anyway(kinda how I feel right now since I got no response from the letter) She would have to reach out to me in a genuine manner for me to set myself up again for the emotional pain I went through today.

talaniman · Jan 14, 2009, 05:00 AM

You have been feeding yourself false hope for more than 2 months, and still haven't gotten anywhere.

kctiger · Jan 14, 2009, 06:10 AM

This is all just wasted time of YOUR life... who cares about her life, this is YOUR life. No second chances, no going back. Start NOW and quit with the fairytale, movie stuff. You owe it to yourself to close this yourself, with no explanation from her. Sometimes some things shouldn't be rationalized.

jmw0713 · Jan 14, 2009, 07:23 AM

You are not going to get the answers you are hoping for from this conversation you want to have with her.

With all the questions you ask, she will just give you answers that will lead to more questions.

She is confused and will ALWAYS be confused with you around adding to it. The only way to let her sort out her confusion, and your confusion is to stop trying to get closure and move on.

You are going to keep going around in circles in this vicious loop of pain if you keep holding on to something that is no longer there.

Having this conversation with will solve nothing and lead to more questions and more pain.

ImTotallyLost · Jan 14, 2009, 10:27 AM

Look, there are two possibilities here, she either loves you and is just confused by having a lot going on her life or she doesn't love you anymore and is confused because she feels lonely and that makes her want you to be around as a backup.

In either case the best thing for you to do is to let it go. If she doesn't love and you keep looking for answers, she'll always say "I don't know" and you'll be dragged along. It's not that she's a bad person by doing that, but you are letting yourself be dragged and she's going through motions just like you are, and doing dumb things without noticing.

And if she does love you but has just too much going on, trying to get answers from her will just push her farther away from you because instead of being that supporting and understanding boyfriend she used to hang out with, you are being that needy and annoying ex-boyfriend everyone hates to have. And if you try to ask questions, she'll still say "I don't know".

Notice that the answer in both cases are the same. "I don't know". Because in both cases she has a reason to stay with you and a reason not to. In the first case, she loves you but she can't stand you right now. In the second case she doesn't love you anymore but she wants you around to fill that loneliness.

Hence, forget it. Try to get closure yourself. If you can't because you need more facts, fill in the gaps with your imagination and then move on.

lazzyboyy313 · Jan 14, 2009, 12:17 PM

Originally Posted by ImTotallyLost

Look, there are two possibilities here, she either loves you and is just confused by having a lot going on her life or she doesn't love you anymore and is confused because she feels lonely and that makes her want you to be around as a backup.

In either case the best thing for you to do is to let it go. If she doesn't love and you keep looking for answers, she'll always say "I don't know" and you'll be dragged along. It's not that she's a bad person by doing that, but you are letting yourself be dragged and she's going through motions just like you are, and doing dumb things without noticing.

And if she does love you but has just too much going on, trying to get answers from her will just push her farther away from you because instead of being that supporting and understanding boyfriend she used to hang out with, you are being that needy and annoying ex-boyfriend everyone hates to have. And if you try to ask questions, she'll still say "I don't know".

Notice that the answer in both cases are the same. "I don't know". Because in both cases she has a reason to stay with you and a reason not to. In the first case, she loves you but she can't stand you right now. In the second case she doesn't love you anymore but she wants you around to fill that loneliness.

Hence, forget it. Try to get closure yourself. If you can't because you need more facts, fill in the gaps with your imagination and then move on.

When I read this it really hit me that my situation falls into both cases. I think in the beginning she loved me but she had too much going on in her life and was confused with what to focus on. I think after some time she switched to the other case of not being in love with me, just loving me as a friend, and just having me as a backup because she was lonely. I want to just jump in a time machine and go forward like 5 months so this whole thing can be way behind me and I can get over this. I will say a lot has happened in the 11 weeks since we broke up and thinking in those terms that's almost 3 months now. Either way I'm going to see what direction this goes and just follow it. If nothing happens then it'll be left at what it is. Really sucks because at times I thought she'd be the ONE

magikman · Jan 14, 2009, 12:51 PM

Think about how'd much further along you'd be if you'd just gone NO CONTACT and gotten on with life! Unless you start abiding by, and following the NC rule, you're just going to keep racking your brain & heart over and over again. It's hard, but forget how you felt months ago - it's all gone now. Time to move on to better.. Stop thinking about the past - it'll do nothing for you. Just learn from it and move on, my man...

Reality has GOT to sink in at some point for you...

jmw0713 · Jan 14, 2009, 12:52 PM

We have all been where you are. The only way to get better and move forward is not to focus on fixing the past, but to focus on building the future.

kctiger · Jan 14, 2009, 12:57 PM

Originally Posted by lazzyboyy313

Really sucks because at times I thought she'd be the ONE

This happens to everyone. Face it man, no one walks into a situation thinking it will fail, but doing it anyway. Life (also called the "X" factor) just happens. If it wasn't meant to be, it NEVER will be. Those that force life usually end up dead or in jail. Just face reality as it is, and focus on your future. Who knows what will happen? No one does, and that is the beauty of life, otherwise things would be pretty boring. Eventually, you will have to face reality, and the sooner you do it, the better and more rewarding you will find situations you come across. If, however, you delay the inevitable longer and longer, you will only dig yourself deeper into a whole, that makes it a much more daunting task to dig your way out of.

talaniman · Jan 14, 2009, 03:08 PM

Originally Posted by lazzyboyy313

Really sucks because at times I thought she'd be the ONE

This might not help, but that's what I thought about all the females I ever dated.

How sick is that?

Fizzy Burst · Jan 14, 2009, 03:16 PM

So I feel you pain buddy, I'm going through the same situation right now. It's easy for us to want to stay friends, but it hurts like hell. Every time you even talk to the ex, you are just ripping off a scab that had just started to heal, and it's not worth it. Happiness comes to our life all of the time. It is a door that opens and closes. The problem is that when that happiness door closes, we stay stuck looking at it for so long, that we don't see the other doors that are opening right in front of our eyes. Letting go is hard to do, but if your going to keep your sanity, then you need to do it. I wrote this down when my break up happened, and it seemed to help a lot:

"Do not dwell on the past and get stuck in the why and how, because you can not change the past. Do not get stuck in the future in the maybes, what ifs, and someday, because you can not manipulate or predict the future. Instead, stay in the moment. The moment is all you have to live for. Be as happy as you can be in the moment that you are in. Accept that moments change in the blink of an eye. When that moment changes, it is the past and don't dwell in it, because it can not be changed".

Hope that can help you a little and give you some insight.

lazzyboyy313 · Jan 14, 2009, 06:51 PM

Well to go with the not dwelling on the past and not trying to predict the future I'm going to go about this one day at a time. Today, I don't feel anything and am going NC for the day. As for the rest of the days ahead who knows what I'll do. Each day is going to be different and can bring about something completely unexpected... and no, that's not me referring to her coming back or anything like that.

lazzyboyy313 · Jan 25, 2009, 10:54 PM

So last week I had my long awaited conversation with my ex. I must say it was somewhat good and also had it's hard points. I don't know what I went into it expecting but I did get something out of it. It took her saying it was over for good in front of my face for it to really sink in. I also asked what she had done since we broke up and turned out she had made out with two different guys when she was drunk on two separate occasions, one being New Years. That hurt way more than I thought it would and it made me realize that if her making out with a guy hurts that bad how would I feel if she had sex with a guy or got a boyfriend? We finished our conversation and she told me it was up to me whether we still talked and I hadn't decided at that point if I could honestly let go of her.

It was until later on that I thought of other things she's done and I started to dwell on all the negatives she brought to the relationship. She didn't love me and I couldn't change it, why drag my emotions all over the place for someone who doesn't care about me at all other than for their own help and closure? Obviously, hindsight is 20-20 and I wish I had the will power to have just left her at the beginning and I would be a lot better off today than I am. I still think about her all the time and it still hurts me but I know each day will get easier and the less I know about her and see the better I'll be. Time is a slow medication but there isn't anything else.

Also, for all the new users that read this post. I thought I would be the exception and she'd see what she lost in me. Truth is, I'm just a part of the statistic where the relationship doesn't get fixed. Maybe something will happen in the future and maybe it won't, that's the beauty of life, no one knows what life will throw at you at any given time.

magikman · Jan 25, 2009, 11:21 PM

We've all been there lazzy. I once, too, thought I'd be the exception to the rule. I know your pain, so do most of us. I know it's hard, but do like we've been advising - improve yourself, surround yourself with friends, and learn to love yourself again! The best thing you can do is leave her be and move on with life!

I'm sorry it didn't turn out the way you wanted, but I'm glad you're finally starting to get things back on track. Good luck to you!

Dare81 · Jan 26, 2009, 01:55 AM

We have been telling you all along. Move On. Hopefully now you have realized this

Empty Cans · Jan 26, 2009, 03:29 AM

Keep your chin up and keep on going with NC. She is the one that's losing out in all of this, its just that you both haven't realised it yet.

talaniman · Jan 26, 2009, 06:20 AM

Now you have the facts, and can make a good decision for yourself, and as hard a pill as it is to swallow, it will get much better.

lazzyboyy313 · Jan 26, 2009, 05:09 PM

So I got introduced to a really cool girl and I was looking for advice on how to go about a new relationship. Too early to jump back in? Should I just try and be friends with this girl and nothing else? I know I just emotionally let go of my last relationship but it's been over for 3 months in real time. If this girl shows any interest what would be wrong with attempting a new and fresh relationship?

talaniman · Jan 26, 2009, 05:42 PM

STOP!!!

You don't need to latch on to anyone to have fun!

Think fun, one date at a time and with as many people as possible.

Are you crazy?? Relationship?? Forget that, your setting up a false standard for yourself!

P.S,
Excuse me for laughing, but you have to see the humor in thinking about a relationship before you have had a few date. Haven't you had enough attitude adjustment? Listen to the T-Man on this one, and just relax, and enjoy yourself, and your freedom for a while.