[exqsme09]

My husband’s work schedule changed about 6 months ago, at which time he began working 2 jobs, only coming home for about 45 minutes in the morning to shower, change and go to his next job. There are times however when he doesn’t work for 4 - 5 days in a row, which is supposed to be our time together.

However, I have noticed that since he took on the second job our sex life is practically non existent. He admits to masturbating at work, which I believe is happening daily. I believe he is doing it in the morning before he comes home, and I believe this causes him to not want sex as he is already satisfied. I guess I am simply baffled how a man could or would prefer his hand over a “real” woman.

My husband and I were talking recently about a guy I went to high school with who was forced to commit a homosexual act with another male in front of several people. After hearing this story my husband let it slip that when he was younger he also had sex with men, however, he stated he only did this until he realized that he could be doing it with women instead.

Now, after hearing this, things that have happened over the past 10 years are beginning to make sense.

We found a box of unmarked VCR tapes in our storage, which belonged to my brother. I took a couple of the tapes home so we could figure out what was on them. When I put one of the tapes in the VCR, I had no idea it was male on male gay porn. I was actually horrified by the tape however when I turned around to see my husband’s reaction he was aroused and sitting there with an erection. I didn‘t think a “real” man would watch gay porn… let alone get aroused by it.

I am extremely unsatisfied with our sex life lately. My husband has never had any stamina in the bedroom. He says it is because I am tiny down there and that he just gets aroused quickly. He does love fondling my breasts and always compliments me on my looks and my body. I have had other men tell me I am a 9 out of 10. I am wondering what my husband’s problem could be then.

I didn’t think it was normal for a supposed straight man to be aroused by male gay porn. However, I have heard that it is normal for young people to experiment with people of the same sex. What about the fact that he would now rather masturbate than have sex with his own wife?

Does anyone know if this is normal behavior for a supposed straight man, or is there the possibility that my husband is bisexual? I am concerned as 95% of the people he works with are men.

If he is bisexual, I don’t see the point in living a lie or allowing him to use me as a cover. If he just prefers to masturbate, then I don't see the point in staying with such a selfish lover.

Any advice would be appreciated.

[this8384]

I'm still trying to figure out the "I was sleeping with men because I didn't realize I could sleep with women." That's like saying, "I was eating worms because I didn't realize I had food at home." Not even close to an excuse.

As for the tapes, you say they belonged to your brother... are you 100% positive on that? Maybe your hubby stashed them in the attic & told you he didn't know what they were.

Anyway you cut it, your husband is clearly attracted to men.

[excon]

Hello ex:

Wow. You've certainly got a list... Couple things...

In MY view, there's no such thing as a perfectly straight, or perfectly homosexual human being. We ALL fall somewhere in the middle. Some ACT on it. Some DON'T. Some even deny it.

It sounds to me like you have OTHER problems which don't involve his sexuality. Maybe he's just not INTO you. Maybe you're not a very good lover. Maybe HE'S not a very good lover. Maybe HE'S got a lower sex drive than you.

In fact, because you haven't talked with him at all about this situation, I think you have a COMMUNICATION problem - not a SEX problem...

In terms of him rather masturbating than having sex with you, maybe the reasons AREN'T sexual... Look. I LOVED my ex wife. She was GREAT in bed. She is BEAUTIFUL. I'm a horny SOB... But, when we argued, I didn't want to sleep with her - not at all. When we argued a LOT, I would whack off a LOT.

And, if he's bisexual, he may be having trouble coming to grips with it... OR, he knows YOUR stance on it, so he's not going to tell you squat...

So, I think you need to TALK to your husband, or go to a third party who can get you two communicating...

excon

[exqsme09]

I'm still trying to figure out the "I was sleeping with men because I didn't realize I could sleep with women." That's like saying, "I was eating worms because I didn't realize I had food at home." Not even close to an excuse.

As for the tapes, you say they belonged to your brother...are you 100% positive on that? Maybe your hubby stashed them in the attic & told you he didn't know what they were.

Anyway you cut it, your husband is clearly attracted to men.

Yes, I was shocked by his recent admission about his involvement with men. The problem is, I asked him several years before if he had ever had any involvement with men, and he said he had never tried or even experimented, which was clearly a lie.

As for the tapes, well, I had them before I met and married my husband. So, I know for sure they weren't his. But I didn't expect him to react the way he did when he saw it.

Yes, I guess I have to come to grips with the fact that he is attracted to men. It's what do I do from here that confuses me.

Thank you for your reply.

[exqsme09]

Hello ex:

Wow. You've certainly got a list...... Couple things...

In MY view, there's no such thing as a perfectly straight, or perfectly homosexual human being. We ALL fall somewhere in the middle. Some ACT on it. Some DON'T. Some even deny it.

It sounds to me like you have OTHER problems which don't involve his sexuality. Maybe he's just not INTO you. Maybe you're not a very good lover. Maybe HE'S not a very good lover. Maybe HE'S got a lower sex drive than you.

In fact, because you haven't talked with him at all about this situation, I think you have a COMMUNICATION problem - not a SEX problem...

In terms of him rather masturbating than having sex with you, maybe the reasons AREN'T sexual.... Look. I LOVED my ex wife. She was GREAT in bed. She is BEAUTIFUL. I'm a horny SOB... But, when we argued, I didn't want to sleep with her - not at all. When we argued a LOT, I would whack off a LOT.

And, if he's bisexual, he may be having trouble coming to grips with it... OR, he knows YOUR stance on it, so he's not gonna tell you squat...

So, I think you need to TALK to your husband, or go to a third party who can get you two communicating...

excon

Yes, certainly a list, but that wasn't even everything. There are other things that he has done in the past that have made me question his sexuality, but I just ignored the signs thinking I was over reacting.

As I said, I have asked him in the past, and he has denied any such involvement with men. I know that now to not be true.

My husband is 41, and I asked him about his sex drive and whether he thought his medical problems were getting in the way or his age was a factor and he denied any kind of performance issue.

Therefore, I am only left to wonder if my husband is a compulsive liar on top of being bisexual.

You’re right, he knows I would be filing for divorce tomorrow if I thought he was cheating, whether it be with a man or a woman. He knows me.

The sexual problems have only recently surfaced. As for arguing, we don’t argue. We never have. The doors to communication are open and always have been. We’re like best friends in that respect. He can tell me anything, and up until the recent confession I thought I knew everything there was to know about him. But now, I realize I don’t know squat.

As for being a good lover, he never complained before. We had an active sex life, but lately he just wants to wham bam thank you maam, and I’m not into being used like a piece of meat. I need more than that.

He and I have always communicated for the sake of our marriage, and I think I know all there is to know. That my husband is bisexual, and I could be in danger. If he’s bi, I don’t need a third party to try and save this marriage. There is no marriage if that is who he is.

Thank you for your reply.

[excon]

If he’s bi, I don’t need a third party to try and save this marriage. There is no marriage if that is who he is.

Hello again, ex:

Couple more things... Because he MIGHT be bi, doesn't mean he has to ACT on it, and it doesn't mean that he has... And, most importantly, it for SURE, doesn't mean he ISN'T attracted to you.

Nope. I'll go back to my communication thing. You may THINK the communication door has always been open... But, you can see now that it wasn't.

excon

[exqsme09]

Hello again, ex:

Couple more things... Because he MIGHT be bi, doesn't mean he has to ACT on it, and it doesn't mean that he has.... And, most importantly, it for SURE, doesn't mean he ISN'T attracted to you.

Nope. I'll go back to my communication thing. You may THINK the communication door has always been open... But, you can see now that it wasn't.

excon

I absolutely can see now that the doors were not open, and I feel betrayed.

I never thought he would lie to me. But I never really thought about how much he stands to lose by admitting that this type of behavior is still a part of who he is. Now I feel like the more I try and force him to communicate about this subject, the more I will just force him to lie to me.

I never thought something like this could happen to us, especially not after 11 years of marriage.

I guess I just need to re-group and come up with a new game plan.

Thanks again for all your help.

[this8384]

Agree with ex that communication is definitely key. You also have to consider the trust issue. If the trust can't be rebuilt in the relationship, it's not going to work, no matter how hard you try; I know from experience. You'll always be questioning his actions and choices; that's no way for either of you to live.

So definitely talk. Go to counseling, if need be. Try to make it work, but make sure you can rebuild the trust and love you started with.

[excon]

Hello again, ex:

People STAY in the closet because they're afraid their family will act EXACTLY like you're acting.

Assuming there's been NO outside activity, STOP playing the victim card, and START playing the loving and understanding wife card.

IF there IS a victim here, it's not just you.

excon

[this8384]

Hello again, ex:

People STAY in the closet because they're afraid their family will act EXACTLY like you're acting.

Assuming there's been NO outside activity, STOP playing the victim card, and START playing the loving and understanding wife card.

IF there IS a victim here, it's not just you.

excon

True, it may be hard for him to come to grips with but that doesn't give him a free pass to lie to her. She stated that she specifically asked him if he had been with men and he denied it; he later admitted that he had been with men.

As I said before, trust is everything. If she can rebuild that trust she had in him however many years ago, then I think they'll be fine.

[exqsme09]

Hello again, ex:

People STAY in the closet because they're afraid their family's will act EXACTLY like you're acting.

Assuming there's been NO outside activity, STOP playing the victim card, and START playing the loving and understanding wife card.

IF there IS a victim here, it's not just you.

excon

I don't play the victim card... ever. If anything, the only victim here is him being a victim of his own sexuality.

He's the perpetrator of this mess.

Even if communication was not an issue, trust would be, and I don't feel I can stay in a marriage without trust. Without that we have NOTHING!

As for counseling, I feel if he will lie to me about his sexuality, he will lie to a counselor… for sure! There is no point in taking it that far. As I said, he has too much to lose by admitting to this, and it would be like beating a dead horse.

I have a sister who is gay, and my brother was gay also, however, neither of them were "in the closet" gays. They were an open book as far as their sexuality was concerned. My brother wore make-up, dressed in drag on occasion, and he even wore an earring in his right ear that said FAG. I have always been accepting of homosexuals, but not when it comes to my spouse. I have no tolerance for this in a supposed hetrosexual relationship!

I guess I just feel that I should have known or acknowledged the red flags that I saw earlier on in our relationship for what they were… red flags.

I have some things I need to think about and consider.

[exqsme09]

I really should have taken more time to read some of the other questions here before I posted.

It is quite obvious I am not alone with this type of situation.

I just read another post, https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/adult-...-301290-2.html, and one person there said that hoping someone will change “is an exercise in futility.”

I couldn’t agree more with this statement.

They also said that “people should judge their partners at face value....love what you have or move on”, and that counseling “is no guarantee of positive results, just the possibility of improvement.”

This made me stop and think, what is it that I would be trying to improve? My husband or my perceptions of who he is? We had an otherwise healthy relationship. We were the perfect couple… on paper. My husband doesn’t have to change who he is… he is allowed to be himself. But I also have choices, and I choose not to be with such a man. This is not because he is bisexual mind you, but because he chose to keep this part of his life secret and he chose to lie to me about it for a dozen years. Not one or two years, but twelve.

My husband is 100% allowed to be the person he is. And I am 100% allowed to walk away.

I appreciate all of your advice.

[ja77]

It sounds like your mind is already set on the actions you want.

Your husband told you something open and honest, and you state he should have told you upfront, when was he going to tell you on the 1st date ? Have you felt he kept it quite because of the way things are now or he was ashamed of his actions.

Just to reflect the question back - did you tell your husband about all the people you had been with straight away, or at any point in your relationship.

I agree there seem to be issues in your relationship, but you seem that you have set your mind 100% on the actions that you want.

when he was younger he also had sex with men, however, he stated he only did this until he realized that he could be doing it with women instead.

Are you saying that what he did was experiment in his teen or younger years, because in part of your post I see you have said that you are aware of this being common in teen years ?

Are you saying that your husband has confirmed that he is Bi or is this what you are saying ?

[exqsme09]

It sounds like your mind is already set on the actions you want.

Your husband told you something open and honest, and you state he should have told you upfront, when was he going to tell you on the 1st date ? Have you felt he kept it quite because of the way things are now or he was ashamed of his actions.

Just to reflect the question back - did you tell your husband about all the people you had been with straight away, or at any point in your relationship.

I agree there seem to be issues in your relationship, but you seem that you have set your mind 100% on the actions that you want.

Are you saying that what he did was experiment in his teen or younger years, because in part of your post I see you have said that you are aware of this being common in teen years ?

Are you saying that your husband has confirmed that he is Bi or is this what you are saying ?

Yes, I believe my mind is set, as I cannot tolerate lying and mistrust. It doesn’t matter to me what he lied about, just the fact that he lied is enough. One lie, two lies, ten lies. What's next? AIDS?

He did tell me something open and honest… way after the fact. He didn’t have to tell me on the first date, but shortly thereafter would have been nice.

He knew my siblings were gay, and at the time I asked him, he had no reason to lie about his sexuality, but he did, he vehemently denied it. But I gave him the opportunity a few years later to tell me, and he again denied it.

Which simply makes him a liar.

I cannot delve into his mind and figure out why he kept it secret. I don’t know if he is ashamed, but he should be. Not about his sexuality, about being a liar.

You see, when he finally did tell me, I most certainly got the feeling that it slipped out, rather than his need to “get it off his chest.” He could have said he experimented, but he outright said this was something he carried on with for years.

And yes, my husband knew right away he had made a mistake by telling me.

My husband and I had known each other for six years prior to getting together. He was married at the time we met, and I was engaged. He ended up getting a divorce, and I ended up not getting married. He knew I had three lovers prior to him, he knew I had never experimented with a women, and he knew how I felt about bisexuality.

I would never - and I repeat never - would have got involved with a bisexual man under any circumstances. I know through my siblings that they seldom if ever stop. And if they do stop, it’s not done over night. I would not have got involved for that exact reason.

Please tell me, what are the issues you see here? I have been wondering that myself.

I am aware of experimenting being common amongst teenagers, but experimenting as a teen and carrying on into adulthood are not the same thing.

My siblings told me all about experimenting, and he does not qualify.

He outright hid the fact that he was having sex with men up until the age of 23. Do you suspect it has stopped? Not likely. Especially considering his recent behavior.

Knowing something like this would have made the difference of whether I married him. If your husband withheld telling you something that would have made a difference on whether you married him, wouldn’t you feel betrayed?

[ja77]

Please do not get me wrong but I read from your posts that your issue is with bisexuality, this seems to be your main anger point regards why you have taken issue with your husband past from what I am reading.

You make a very good point in regards to AIDS and STI's, but this would be a problem if your husband was having out of relationship sex with someone of the female sex.

I in no way condone any form of cheating or having sexual relationships outside of the marriage, and I do agree that this would be a good breaking point for anyone and a time to end things but you have not posted or confirmed that this is fact or just a feeling you have.

Please feel free to look at the link I enclose -

Bisexuality - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

If your husband withheld telling you something that would have made a difference on whether you married him, wouldn't you feel betrayed?

This would be a problem for myself unless I was having a same sex marriage as I am male.

Communcation - communcation - communcation is a key to any relationship and from reading your post this does not seem to be happening between yourself and your husband. I agree from reading your post your husband seems to have a lot of issues going on, have the two of you had a real honest heart to heart talk and brought everything into the open.

No one on this forum can tell you - leave your husband and none of us can tell you stay with your husband -
The ball is in your court because only you know what your relationship is and where it is going.

I have to agree if your husband is wacking off at work that this is weird, but he could be doing this as he is seeking a thrill or some danger if he is doing this. I have heard of people that do this in open places with people around for the same reason.

[exqsme09]

Please do not get me wrong but I read from your posts that your issue is with bisexuality, this seems to be your main anger point regards why you have taken issue with your husband past from what I am reading.

You make a very good point in regards to AIDS and STI's, but this would be a problem if your husband was having out of relationship sex with someone of the female sex.

I in no way condone any form of cheating or having sexual relationships outside of the marriage, and I do agree that this would be a good breaking point for anyone and a time to end things but you have not posted or confirmed that this is fact or just a feeling you have.

Please feel free to look at the link I enclose -

Bisexuality - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

This would be a problem for myself unless I was having a same sex marriage as I am male.

Communcation - communcation - communcation is a key to any relationship and from reading your post this does not seem to be happening between yourself and your husband. I agree from reading your post your husband seems to have a lot of issues going on, have the two of you had a real honest heart to heart talk and brought everything into the open.

No one on this forum can tell you - leave your husband and none of us can tell you stay with your husband -
The ball is in your court because only you know what your relationship is and where it is going.

I have to agree if your husband is wacking off at work that this is weird, but he could be doing this as he is seeking a thrill or some danger if he is doing this. I have heard of people that do this in open places with people around for the same reason.

You are right, growing up around homosexuality/bisexuality has caused me to have very strong feelings on the subject. However, I use the term bisexual in an extremely loose content.

I understand that bi means two, or an attraction to both genders. But, when it comes to sexuality, to me, you are either straight or you are gay. You can’t be both !

So what I have to accept here is not that my husband is bisexual, I have to accept that my husband is gay.

Believe me, I love my husband to pieces, and I wish this weren’t true.

[exqsme09]

I have to agree if your husband is wacking off at work that this is weird, but he could be doing this as he is seeking a thrill or some danger if he is doing this. I have heard of people that do this in open places with people around for the same reason.

It is weird isn't it? But they have locks on the doors where he works, so he wouldn't have a problem with privacy. I have even gone to his job and we have got it on in his bedroom. Which only proves to me that it can be done.

By the way, did I forget to mention that he is in a profession where he and his co-workers sleep in the same room, shower and eat all their meals together?

[Choux]

Dear ex, I would think that it is a pretty good conclusion that your husband is at least bi-sexual. I found that out about my husband. This is not a time to get all emotional; it is a time to quietly discuss the situation. If he trusts you, he will tell you the truth.

You have to take care of your health because if your husband has sex with men, he may have contracted extremely serious diseases. Going forward, you will have to require he use a "sturdy" condom.

Time for some soul searching... your goal in life is to be happy, not to be the police for a husband or any other adult. People hate the spouse who choses to snoop and police actions. People also hate others who blame them for their unhappiness.

Also, never let go of the thought that your goal is to be happy in life. Every adult has to work this out in their own way, sometimes with the help of a mature friend.

Best wishes to you, :)

[Leolynetta]

I think she has every right to be angry, because he lied. Him sleeping with men could have put her at risk for a diease god forbid aids. Who knows if he was using protection or not. So yes I would be upset too. She has to think about her health and he life.

[ja77]

I think we need to be careful because the OP is saying that her husband was having same sex, sex before they were together - I have not read that the OP has confirmed that this is happening now - My understanding is that the OP is questioning there relationship because of what happened before they where together and also by the husbands weird actions at present.

By the way, did I forget to mention that he is in a profession where he and his co-workers sleep in the same room, shower and eat all their meals together?

I would in no way see this as a problem, many men shower together in locker rooms across the globe after sports or gym etc.

I have even gone to his job and we have got it on in his bedroom.

What has changed then in regards to the sexual relationship between yourself and your husband because there must have been a point that you enjoyed engaging with his sexuality and your own.