[Arzy99]

LOLL haha expat mate I LOVED your post!. its exactly what I needed, straight to the point.. I think I've found my first friend on here!. cheers mate!. lol and no - Im from Great Britain, but I absolutely love austrialia - really want to go there someday.. Anyway back to the point.

You are right, NC means NC... I don't have Facebook or any of that crap (im anti-facebook to be honest).. and I have now taken her off my msn list. Like Ive said before, I don't want to know what she is up to and what she is thinking etc. I shouldn't care about who she is with, what she's thinking and what she's doing... its irrelevant now, right?
At the end of the day (I know Ive said it 100 times).. but she just wasn't meant for me, she didn't truly love me like I loved her... I deserve better!. and that is what fuels me to just move on and live my own life.

I have come a long way. Its been 5 and a half weeks of no contact now and Im still going strong. I guess I just needed to re-focus after seeing that silly message on her screen name. Who cares now!. its all about me!

Im just going to stick to the plan;
Continue NC, continue learning from this experience as I have done already, live my life well, be happy and love myself... do things to make myself happy!. I don't want to know about her, its all about me!.
Just needed to get back on track!.

[talaniman]

Ok, I may be a bit drunk lol.

That was a great post drunk or not.

[Arzy99]

Hey people.. Just an update of what Ive been feeling today. Please bear with me as this might be a tad long and confusing…

Well, its weird really.. at some points today I have been thinking about her and our relationship etc and I have been in 2 minds. I start to get angry at her when I think about it.. then once those angry thoughts are over, I immediately start to give myself 'good advice' (the same kind of stuff that I reckon you guys would be telling me, and the same things I have read on here). For those of you that are confused… allow me to explain;

Well.. when I look back on our relationship, I think about how it was and all the events that happened up to the breakup. Lets start right from the beginning…
She was devastated when she split from her 1st boyfriend (8 month r'ship) and I carried her through the pain etc, and was there for her like a good friend whenever she needed me. Six months after they had broken up, we got together.. we talked a lot during the time we were friends and I had really strong feelings towards her.

Looking back on it now, its clear to me that when we got together.. she had not completely let go of her past relationship, she was not 100% over it (she eventually did get over it)…but initially I guess I was her rebound (which sucks big time). Anyway, I believe as time went on.. her feelings for her 1st boyfriend died out.
Things between my ex and I were perfect, we took walks by the lake, picnics, star gazed etc.. things were great for the 9 months.
I told her when we were just friends that I took the word 'love' very seriously and would only say it to someone if it truly came from my heart; she would always agree with me on that and said she believed that too. Well, I did end up falling in love for her.. big time! And I know this was true love.. I could feel it from inside of me, people could see it in my eyes that I was in love, it has to be the most amazing feeling ever!
During our relationship she would always tell me;
- she 'loved' me
- she wanted to be with me forever
- it hurts when she's away from me
- that we are a permanent fixture and nothing can break us apart
I mean I can go on forever… she basically would tell me ALL the loving things you could possibly think of. I genuinely thought this girl was in love with me.
She then went to university.. and once she had seen what university was all about, she felt as if some things were 'easier to do and enjoy when you are single' and felt 'uncomfortable in a relationship'.. – she then broke up with me and is now seeing a guy she met only 2 weeks before breaking up with me – what a complete and utter transformation, I know!

When I therefore think about the relationship – I get kind of angry! I think to myself… I went through so much for her as a friend when she was heartbroken and now she has put me in that same position; and I was also the best boyfriend I could possibly be.. other girls were envious of her.
Firstly, she shouldn't have got with me if she was not 100% over her 1st bf… because she is already setting the relationship off to a bad start.. and I was bound to get hurt in the end. That is something that makes me angry. She will probably never admit that she wasn't over her 1st boyfriend though… oh well!
Secondly, she KNEW how strongly I felt about the word love and how seriously I took it! Yet she would tell me all these AMAZING things that I couldn't imagine anyone ever saying to me. She would be so loving and affectionate.. and Ive now realised that she didn't really mean those things…she only said them because it made her happy to say them, she only felt them at *that moment*. Those things never truly came from the heart. Whereas in my case, everything I have ever said to her came from my heart. And I feel angry because … she made me believe I was the most important guy in the world, she made me believe she truly loved me and wanted a long term relationship just like I did.

Then what does she go and do? … -- She starts university, and once she sees what its all about.. she tells me that 'she feels as if she needs some space, she feels that some things are easier to do when you're single, she tells me that nothing is set in stone – she doesn't know if we will be together or not in the future' … (this was only days after telling me she loved me and wanted to be with me forever etc etc like she usually does).. she completely sounded like a different girl. The girl that always said to me 'we are a permanent fixture' was telling me she 'doesn't know if we will be together in the future or not – nothing is set in stone' … and the only thing that changed was that she had started university. Then, after having 2 weeks to think about what she wanted.. she broke up with me and almost immediately started liking and seeing another guy (John). She ended up replacing me with some guy that she had met only a few weeks before breaking up with me… and she now claims to 'love' John. Anyway, it makes me angry because; I feel betrayed. She would tell me for 9 months how much she loved me, loved me family and wanted to spend her whole life with me… I thought she meant it, then she COMPLTELY changes as soon as she goes to university and wants to be single, breaks up with me and hangs out with another guy… PROVING that she never truly loved me in the first place.

I guess the weird thing is… she doesn't realize how she has hurt me. She doesn't realize that she still had feelings for her 1st boyfriend when we first got together. She doesn't realize how she unintentionally led me on for 9 months and then got rid of me as soon as university came along.. she probably doesn't realize what she has done wrong and how she has hurt me.

I just wanted to know from you guys… is this feeling of anger etc normal when looking back on the relationship?. AND.. in your opinion do I have a right to be angry at her?. would you be mad at her if you were in my place?. what do you guys think…your insight would be very helpful.

NOW, once I finish with all the anger thoughts… I start to remember all the good advice. This is what I say to myself…
Well I just have to go through the pain because I am going to come out a better and more complete person. Even though she gave me no real closure, I can take from her actions that she never truly loved me.. and I deserve better than that. I have learnt so much from this experience.. learnt so much about relationships and about myself. Also, I am glad this happened now and not a few years down the line when things would have gotten more serious. There is no point in dwelling on the past.. dwelling on what she is thinking and dwelling on what she is doing or who she is with. Because the fact is.. she didn't truly love me, I deserve better… especially after everything I gave to her and did for her. So its best to just live my life, let go, be happy and just take comfort in knowing that she didn't love me, she's not the one for me and someone better is out there!!

You see, immediately after the angry thoughts … comes the good, decent, helpful advice. I know the good advice is all there in my head… its just sometimes when thinking about the relationship I get angry thinking about how she hurt me (and probably doesn't realize it).. after everything Ive done for her… Anyone else ever had a thought pattern like this? …

Anyway guys, that felt good to let all out… was kind of like a nice rant lol. Well, just in case your wondering about my current progress.. on the whole I am honestly feeling really good. Its been nearly 6 weeks of NC and its been 10 weeks since she broke up with me … I feel SO MUCH better now than I did when she first left me. And I have learnt so much as well!. So on the whole, I am doing pretty good!. Just wanted to get that all out I guess!. Please feel free to comment and help, its ALWAYS much appreciated.

[expat2009]

Hey Arzy,

It's good to know you are hanging in there. You are a good example of the benefits brought by NC.

I think it's very normal to have some angry thoughts. In your case specifically you were betrayed --maybe not in the strict sense of the word-- but fact that she said all those nice things to you and a few days later did a complete 180 means that she was leading you on unfairly. It will be good experience because next time you'll know words are empty if they don't come with actions. Obvious actions. Not ones that you make up yourself in your head.

I believe as time goes by your emotions will begin to transition. The pain and anger will shrink and the "good advice" you repeat to yourself will increase. At first it was all about the pain and anger, then came advice and "whats next". In the end their won't be room for pain and anger. It will be acceptance, understanding, and maybe even relief!

I don't know well were I am at the moment but I feel posting on this site is proving to be very effective therapy. Repeating the same advice over and over will imprint itself in my head eventually as my healing continues.

Keep ranting and venting Arzy. It's good to let things out. I know my friends are probably sick of me doing the same so this site is the perfect window for me to shout out my feelings to the world and get some helpful advice at the same time.

[Arzy99]

Yeah... I think yesterday I had one of those 'angry days' I guess. But, the majority of the time when I do feel myself thinking about things and getting angry/upset I come on here and repeat all the good advice that Ive read and that has been given to me - it usually makes me feel better.

But, I just can't wait for a time where I don't have too ALWAYS reinforce all this good advice and don't have to ALWAYS keep drilling it into my head so I don't lose focus. I guess that will come with time, right?

I guess I do still feel some anger and pain towards my ex and this situation, because (even though she probably didn't realise it at the time) for 9 months she led me on by telling me all these wonderful things - then when university started she basically switched her whole mentality and was 'anti-relationship'... then after breaking up with me, she was seeing the new guy (John) whom she had only recently met.

I think what she did wasn't very cool at all, I think it was wrong.. I don't believe she realises what she has done wrong and how she's hurt me.. but that is irrelevant. The good thing is.. I can safely say I am beginning to forgive her (the angry feelings are slowly going)... I always loved her with all my heart and I let her go because she 'apparently' would be happier being single etc at university. I have days when I am hurt and angry by this, but other days when I am forgiving... I think the angry days will decrease now. The one thing that I can take from this that I can be sure of is - her actions proved she didn't love me, her actions proved I deserve better... Ive said it 100 times, but its my closure and it gives me hope for the future that someone better is out there, someone that will love me the way I love them.. right?.

I also wanted to add guys.. that I am going on a trip to europe at the end of the month (6-8 weeks long)... going to do some travelling and chill with some members of my family in spain. Do you guys reckon a trip like this will really help me?. and what do you think I should do there to just get my mind off and heal?. should I look back over the relationship etc and try and see what I can learn or should I just forget about it and get on with my life etc... What frame of mind should I aim to be in whilst on this trip?. A bit of a weird question, but would be nice to know your thoughts...

Thanks so much people. Always much appreciated!

[talaniman]

Me, I have a great time and enjoy myself, and leave all this other stuff behind.

[kctiger]

While on your trip, do nothing but enjoy yourself. You can do WHATEVER you want man, so live it up. That is awesome for you, and will help you a ton.

You will find someone who loves you the way you are capable of loving someone else... most likely, they will find you. Don't worry about that now. Enjoy yourself, your family, and your opportunities.

There are always things to be learned in any relationship, good or bad, so soak it up, but don't over think it or let it control your thoughts overall. You will also have to forgive her, otherwise your moving on will never fully be complete. Without total forgiveness, you will always harbor some feelings for her... so, step one in moving and healing, forgive her, and enjoy yourself.

[slapshot_oi]

She was devastated when she split from her 1st boyfriend (8 month r'ship) and I carried her through the pain etc, and was there for her like a good friend whenever she needed me. Six months after they had broken up, we got together.. we talked a lot during the time we were friends and I had really strong feelings towards her.

That's your first mistake, you were friendzoned from the beginning. Only friendzone girls you have no interest in, then you can be their true friends and sustaining friendships with women is huge.

...I mean I can go on forever… she basically would tell me ALL the loving things you could possibly think of. I genuinely thought this girl was in love with me... She would tell me all these AMAZING things that I couldn't imagine anyone ever saying to me.

Stuff like that just sounds so phony to me, because it usually is, your relationship being a case in point. She's doing the same thing to this John dude too by advertising her love for him on MSN.

Firstly, she shouldn't have got with me if she was not 100% over her 1st bf…

Sorry broseph, but she's not at fault here. If the same thought crossed your mind, you could've ended it too. Well, now you both know what not to do, so don't make the same mistake again.

she starts university, and once she sees what its all about.. she tells me that 'she feels as if she needs some space, she feels that some things are easier to do when you're single, she tells me that nothing is set in stone – she doesn't know if we will be together or not in the future' …

The best advice I got in high school from a teacher was "never have a girlfriend in college". Well, I didn't listen and got one anyway... and yeah, he was right. Sounds to me like your girl knew this all along, she has a one-up on both of us.

As a fresh graduate, I speak with experience: college is huge, that's where a person learns who he is as man, what he wants to be, what he wants and who he wants to know; it gives a man direction in life. In a time of self-actualization, it's hard for her to focus on herself while still trying to give attention to you. When I was dating my ex, I only focused on myself, and would only give attention to my girlfriend when I was bored, hungry or horny, it gave her the impression that I didn't care and often times, I found myself yelling "what the hell else do you need for reassurance damnit!?". Women tend to understand this better then men do, no matter how old they are.

She's doing the right thing by cutting you loose, and even if she did truly love you, it'd be in her best interest to break up anyway.

Timing has a lot to do with success of relationships.

[Arzy99]

Thanks for the response slapshot...
What Ive got to say is... I only realised she was not 100% over her 1st boyfriend NOW.. back when we first got together - the thought never crossed my mind, love is blind... I thought she only had feelings for me. But now, after looking back - those things that were once blind to me have become noticeable.

Secondly.. I disagree with your comment about not having a bf/gf at university. I think it depends on the couple and the love between them. Two of my cousins have sustained relationships at university and are married to the girls now. I just think.. some relationships work at university - the ones held together by true love.. and even when that love is tested it passes because its strong enough and the couple will stay together through thick and thin (this is the type of love I THOUGHT me and my ex shared).. and other relationships just simply don't last at university - Anyway that is besides the point.

I guess what really hurt is... she unintentionally led me on by saying all these lovely things.. then did a complete 180 when she got to university. If she were having doubts about a relationship at university we would have discussed it before or I would have felt it. But she always told me that things would be great and when I join her at university next year we will be together and even 2 weeks into university things were fine between us (she would tell me all these loving things, how much I mean to her blah blah blah)... It was only during the 3rd week of university (when she had settled down a bit more) that her outook on having a relationship at university changed (and this was only a few days before telling me she loved me etc). That is what hurt - the complete and utter transition she made when she got to university, then obviously getting with this new John guy right after breaking up with me...

But anyway... I just wanted to explain what actually hurt me...
I am doing fine with NC.. and I have learnt so much from this experience - Ill never make the same mistakes again and I will notice things straight away.
Anyway, even though she gave me no closure - I can take comfort in knowing it just wasn't meant to be.. she didn't truly love me, and I believe I deserve better because I deserve someone that will want a serious commitment and will love me the same way I love them...

[NItEMArE129]

Don't blame her for unintentionally leading you on. It happens man... love is way too complicated sometimes. I've been reading this thing and I hafta say, I think you would've been fine even without this site lol.

But really, the only thing that bothered me with your original post and all your more recent posts is that you seem to resent the fact that she didn't realize she didn't actually love you before you guys were dating for 9 months. It's not her fault though. It's like blaming someone for not knowing the future. The whole point is that she didn't know, and she did change. Situations change, and that's life. In the perfect time in place, I think any relationship could work. But that's not what happened here. What happened was that she changed, and in the end, that change might've been good for her. So keep an open mind about this. Change is life, and it's beautiful because people learn so much from it. So no hard feelings, right? It wasn't meant to be, you're probably right. And maybe she did still like her ex, but it's possible that she didn't. And she probably was committed to you, even if that commitment didn't last forever. There's another side to every coin.

[Arzy99]

Nitemare,
I completely understand and agree with what your saying. Thanks for that post.

I would just like to clarify that I don't really resent the fact that she didn't truly love me, because no-one can force love, it happens naturally. I just think, she could have picked her words more carefully instead of painting this beautiful picture and telling me she always loved me - she knew how I felt about that word and how I thought its thrown around way too much. (I guess she didn't know any better though, she was probably oblivious to the fact that the loving things she was saying didn't really come from the heart... and she probably only said them because it made her happy as well as myself - Its my fault for believing it straight away, and putting my whole heart and soul into it.. I have now learnt to look at the actions behind the loving words that people say to me).

The fact is - she UNINTENTIONALLY led me on, she said those loving things and didn't really mean it.. but she didn't realise that she didn't mean them... she only realised when she went to university that - uni life and being single etc was what she wanted and not being with me. That is fine with me and I have no hard feelings at all - I am forgiving her in my head and in my heart as we speak. If that is what she truly wanted and was going to make her happy then that is fine.
What makes me a little angry from time to time... is the indescribable psychological, physical, emotion pain I went through when she 'changed'. I mean c'mon think about it... She told me all those beautiful, loving things (and she probably thought she meant them and she probably thought she wanted a relationship).. but when she got to university, she found that right now in her life she wants to live university life single etc... that complete transition is what gets to me. Its shocking how she could say those loving things for 9 months and tell me we are going to be together forever.. then decide she wants the opposite as soon as something new came along (in this case university).. I guess it happens though and I have accepted it. (It simply proves she didn't love me the same way I loved her.. because if I were in university I would never have made a transition like that, my feelings for her were way too strong.)
Also - the fact that she is now seeing a guy she met only weeks before breaking up with me... kind of like a knife in the heart, but anyway.

I genuinely want her to be happy now, but through this NC and with the things I have learnt I have come to realise that... this was not true love, I want to be with someone that loves me the same way I love them and will want what I want from a relationship.. I believe every one of us deserves nothing less.

[NItEMArE129]

Forgiving is harder than staying angry, as I'm sure you know by now. All relationships end in tears, no matter if it's a break-up, a death, or an affair. The only one the doesn't is the one that lasts forever.

[slapshot_oi]

Secondly .. I disagree with your comment about not having a bf/gf at university. I think it depends on the couple and the love between them. Two of my cousins have sustained relationships at university and are married to the girls now. I just think.. some relationships work at university - the ones held together by true love..and even when that love is tested it passes because its strong enough and the couple will stay together through thick and thin (this is the type of love I THOUGHT me and my ex shared).. and other relationships just simply dont last at university - Anyways that is besides the point.

I didn't say it was impossible, I said that it was hard. Picture busting your a$$ on a homework assignment but knowing that you have to finish before a certain time because you made plans with your girlfriend. That's simply too much to handle. Ask your cousins if it was hard maintaining a relationship while attending college, unless they commuted and saw each other every day, I'll hedge my bets they will say yes.

I guess what really hurt is ... she unintentionally led me on by saying all these lovely things.. then did a complete 180 when she got to university.

Being fickle is a tell-tale sign of someone who's not ready for a relationship. I've had it happen to me and I've done it to a girl before, both feel equally terrible.

Ill never make the same mistakes again

... but don't be surprised or upset at yourself if you do.

[Arzy99]

Thanks slapshot...
Yeah, I agree it probably is hard to maintain a relationship at university. But, I know that when the love and understanding between a couple is there.. its possible. I thought me and my ex shared that. But in the end she discovered that she wanted to be single at university and not be with me - despite telling me even when she started uni that we would be together etc... Like Ive said before.. Its completely fine with me that she now wants to do something different (I loved her, respected her decision and let her go).. BUT it still hurt like MAD (because I did feel slightly betrayed and like I had been led on - even though I do understand it was completely unintentional by her).
And I guess your right... its probably a sign of someone that isn't ready for a relationship... You have to MEAN the words you say and pick them carefully...

Anyway the point is.. I believe it just wasn't true love between us and her actions did prove that to me in the end. I will try my best never to make these mistakes again... because believe me I am learning so much. The way I am trying to think now is...
To try and forgive her and not dwell on the relationship.. try not to analyse every part of it... where it went wrong etc etc. Because the fact is... its over, she has already replaced me and we have to move on with our lives. I tell myself not to dwell on what SHE might be thinking, what she is doing and who she is with. Its best that I get it in my head that its over... she changed and wanted something different when she went to university and its just a shame that she unintentionally led me on, but its taught me something... and now its best to just stick to NC, heal and try to improve myself for the better...

I just wanted to ask you... how do you think I am doing with this whole situation?. Am I going about this the right way? And heading in the right direction?. I have closure now in the sense that I know she didn't truly love me... now I want to better myself, learn from this.. and hold myself out for someone that will truly love me..

[slapshot_oi]

I just wanted to ask you... how do you think I am doing with this whole situation? .. Am I going about this the right way? and heading in the right direction? ... I have closure now in the sense that I know she didnt truly love me.... now I want to better myself, learn from this .. and hold myself out for someone that will truly love me..

The only way to measure how well your doing is if you're sticking to no contact. When you give nothing you expect nothing.

As far as your own healing goes, "to each his own". Some chump may tell you it takes him a week or two to get over his ex, but when he's bored and alone I guarantee he's thinking about past relationships. If it takes you a while, don't think of it as a failure, all things in life take time.

In regards to your "closure" with her not loving you, I will say this, in my experience, trying to figure out what the ex-girlfriend was thinking at the time of the break-up just doesn't work because you simply have no idea, all you're doing is guessing. You'll think you've got it sorted out, then you'll think something else the next day. All you can do is reflect on your own feelings.

All of what I said is easier said than done, a lot of us on here who have been in your shoes before still struggle with it.

And dude, you only 18, your now old enough (at least in America) to buy cigarettes and porn and you haven't even started college yet. At your age, a lot of kids are still virgins, part of getting to know yourself includes dating, and dating is a relative term, a lot of people to find out for yourself what your actually looking for in a mate.

[Arzy99]

Hey.. thanks for the response slapshot.
Yeah.. Ive been sticking to NC ever since I started... its been nearly 6weeks now and I have been doing well. There is still time to go though.. I know that!

I still regard my closure as 'she didn't truly love me'.. simply because it was her ACTIONS and not thoughts that proved it to me. The fact that she did a complete 180 after telling me we would be together forever, and is now seeing a guy she met a few weeks before breaking up with me just proves she didn't love me.

I stopped trying to figure out what she was thinking and WHY she broke up with me.. A LONG LONG time ago!. because I realised, there could be 100 reasons.. I will never know. The only thing I could take from it all was what her actions proved to me.. and it was that she didn't feel the same love that I felt for her, if she did - we would still be togther, simple as that! (I must admit, I sometimes do drift off course and try to figure out what she was thinking, but then I reinforce all the good advice and repeat it in my head to give me strength.)

Also, I know I have a lot to learn about myself etc since I am only 18, lol but I am not like your typical 18year old.. Im not really afraid of commitment and I am happy with the person I am. I just want to learn and IMPROVE MYSELF to the point where one day I will find true love, someone that will give me what I can give them.

[expat2009]

I agree, University relationships are hard to maintain. There's too much going on with academic responsibilities, new friends, social activities, etc. On top of that, keeping a relationship healthy would be too much work unless you went to the same uni --or close by-- and hang out with the same people.

Back to what I said in a previous post. It's important for a relationship to allow enough freedom for both people so they can hang out with their uni friends --alone-- have enough time to dedicate to uni/work. If this space is given then there is a good chance of success. In your relationship, however, it sounds like little space was given and most of the free time you had you spent together. Your girlfriend might have seen this excessive time as an obstacle to develop her uni life.

I do believe that analyzing what caused the failure of your relationship is important. Although probably not your fault, some of it is. There was a point when things were great and then suddenly they weren't. Even though she led you on there would've been a point when she was happy to be with you --love or not-- and didn't want anyone else. Maybe after sometime her feelings started to change --regardless of what she told you-- and maybe a part of your behaviour pushed those feelings a bit. You will be the one to think through what you can rescue from this painful situation. Hopefully in future relationships you will be able to apply what you've learned to do and not to do.

Good job mate,

Expat

[slapshot_oi]

Back to what I said in a previous post. It's important for a relationship to allow enough freedom for both people so they can hang out with their uni friends --alone-- have enough time to dedicate to uni/work. If this space is given then there is a good chance of success. In your relationship, however, it sounds like little space was given and most of the free time you had you spent together. Your gf might have seen this excessive time as an obstacle to develop her uni life.

This is so true. My college relationship was fine until she transferred to my school, I tried so hard convincing her to go somewhere else. Before, we'd see each other on the weekends and sometimes would go over a week without talking to one-another, it was perfect. After the transfer, we're spending every night together and I couldn't stand it.

[Arzy99]

Thanks for your replies guys...
As I said before... I completely agree, its difficult to maintain a relationship at university, and its probably difficult to maintain a relationship during any of these busy periods in one's life.

I just wanted to clarify... it was not really lack of space that was the problem at all in our relationship.

This is how it happened...
We had plans to be at the same university and be happy together.. for months this was the plan and we were both happy with it. (I then decided to take a gap year since my course was unavailable this year, which meant my ex was going alone to uni this year - the plan remained unchanged).

For weeks leading up to university things were very 'normal' with us... Even when she started university, for her first 2 weeks into the term things were very normal, and there were no problems at all... we would meet up with each other now and then, she would constantly tell me all these affectionate things, and I would say them back to her... things were great, no problems... (there was no issue with 'lack of space' at all, trust me).

During her third week.. once she had found a few more friends and settled in... she did the 180 on me! After saying all these lovely things for 9 months, and telling me she wanted to be with me forever... It was on the 3rd week of term (on our anniversary) that she told me how she felt - she said she felt some things are easier to do and enjoy if you are single, nothing is ever set in stone - we may be together or we may not, she said a part of her wanted to be single and a part of her wanted to be with me...

Well, she took out 2 weeks to decide what she wanted... very painful 2 weeks for me, and I gave her as much space as I could possibly give her, but at the same time I showed her I really loved her and really wanted to make this work and would do whatever it took to make it work. (During this 2 week period she had met John and was hanging out with him a lot as well as her other friends)...
Anyway, after she had thought about it.. she came to the conclusion that she felt uncomfortable in a relationship now (even though only 3 weeks ago we seemed so in love)... she said she thought she would be happier living life single at university etc... and obviously I respected her decision and let her go, despite how baffled and hurt I was.

Anyway... just wanted to write that all out and clarify that it wasn't that there was a lack of space in the relationship therefore she wanted to be single, no no.. nothing like that. In all honesty she hadn't really tried having a relationship with me at university... she didn't really give it a go, despite her saying for as long as I remember that we were going to be together forever and things will be great even when she is at uni without me.
So yeah... she didn't really give it a go.. she got to university, and all the hopes and dreams she had once made for us went out the window.. she wanted the complete opposite of what she had been preaching for 9months... anyone would find this extremely painful and confusing!. especially someone who gave every bit of the man he was to his woman and loved her with every ounce of passion in his heart.

Well, moving on. So.. I didn't really get any proper closure - on the night she dumped me, I asked her WHY she felt 'uncomfortable in a relationship' now that she's at university, WHY she thinks she would be happier being single and WHY her mindset has changed from what it was 3-4 weeks ago... she simply said "I dont know..I just feel this way.. I dont know" - so as you could already guess, she didn't know (says it all really - girls just act on emotions).

So I did what I believe anyone would.. after racking my brains and having sleepless weeks thinking -- WHY did she feel uncomfortable in a relationship.. only a few weeks ago she was telling me she couldn't wait to spend her life with me and now she's the complete opposite -- I realised that I will NEVER EVER for as long as I live find out the REAL reason why she felt SOOO different towards our relationship when she went to uni, why she felt uncomfortable, why she wanted to be single.. simply because there could be 567,994 reasons and more! (and I would waste my life trying to figure it out.. please don't suggest any reasons as to why she may have broken up with me.. I.E. - because she met this John dude, or there was a lack of space etc... there are so many possbilities and the best thing I can do & only thing I want to do is just take this as FACT and not dwell on WHY WHY WHY she ended it? & What was she thinking etc.. Im sure you guys understand). I have learnt that I will never be able to decipher what my ex was thinking at the time of breaking up with me and what the real underlying reason was (perhaps she doesn't even know herself).

So... Where did I take it from there? I realised in order for me to start moving on I had to create some closure by putting all the pieces together - then it hit me. Her actions proved she didn't truly love me the same way I loved her. If it were true love (the same kind I had for her) I'll tell you this now - she would have wanted to be with me AS BADLY as I wanted to be with her, she would have never felt uncomfortable in a relationship as soon as she got to university, deep down she would have been happiest being my girlfriend, she wouldn't have been happy living a single lifestyle at university, she wouldn't be seeing John now - whom she only met a few weeks before leaving me etc etc (you get the idea)...

Her actions -- how she made a shocking transition from supposed 'love' and a 'long term commitment' to 'wanting to be single, feeling uncomfortable and just wanting to be friends' -- simply proved she did not love me the way I loved her... THAT is my closure. THAT is my strength. THAT is what fuels me every morning to force a smile on my face and tell myself "I WILL get through this"... because I have enough respect, love and dignity for myself to know I Don't DESERVE ANYTHING LESS THAN WHAT I GIVE.. I deserve true love, I deserve someone that will love me like I love them. That is why I have come to the stage where I don't really want my ex back.. I can't be with someone that didn't truly love me.. I love the girl with everything I have and I miss the old days.. BUT I can't be with her, I don't want her back. Because what I have discovered proves that I deserve true love, and I believe one day it will find me.

So... what was the next thing I realised? Well.. I realised that there was no point in me dwelling on her anymore. No point in dwelling on what she is doing, who she is with, what she is up to.. it will do me no good but keep my mind ticking and prolong the healing process. I realised that focusing on MYSELF is my top priority... the best thing to do is live well, do things for myself, make myself happy and become a better person -- And in order for me to continue doing these things NO CONTACT is the key and the most important factor (so please stick to it everyone).

This lead me onto my next realisation.. I realised that instead of dwelling on her, I should firstly work on FORGIVING HER and then I should DWELL ON MYSELF - my own feelings & my own thoughts, because that is the only way I will learn. I have already learnt so much and I am learning more and more things about myself, relationships and life as I type this... I don't think I did any major damage in our relationship, but I have learnt to see signals much earlier now, not to make a girl my whole life - to have a fulfilled life without her and SHARE my life with her and also to look at the actions behind words that people say.. I've learnt all this amongst MANY other things!

Well, this is where I am!.
Wow!. I have NO IDEA why I wrote such a long post lol I'm sorry guys - I just started typing and it all came flooding out really. Also, if I came across as being in a bit of a weird mood in this post, again Im sorry. This is probably because today is one of my 'not so good' days.. we all have them don't we. For some reason, ever since this morning I have been thinking about my ex and missing her.. my mind has been taking me back and my heart has been aching because of it. But its good, its healthy.. its all part of the healing process. My 'not so good' days are becoming far and few between nowadays.. NC really does work (nearly 6weeks for me), as does expressing your feelings on here... it really really helps. So anybody reading this that is thinking about breaking NC - I'll shoot you - lol no I won't, but you may as well shoot yourself, because it will probably be that painful.. so Don't do it.

Anyway.. I bet your all glad to hear that I am going to end this particular post now lol.. I actually feel MUCH better after writing that all out.. and perhaps some of you can see some growth in me (if any) from my post..

Thanks everyone - hope you are all doing well, and hope to see posts from you soon... we are all in this together!. we can do this!

[Arzy99]

Update:

Hey people, just thought I'd write an update on things since its been ages... I have had many exams over the past few weeks and have only just got some free time to update properly (exams have gone well btw).

Well, on the whole I have felt very good lately, I am content with the mental place I am at now..
When I have moments of weakness I always replay what has happened - the fact that she told me constantly for 9 months how she loved me, would never leave me and wanted to spend her life with me (even 2 weeks into the uni term), then only days later she was feeling uncomfortable and had a part of her that wanted to be single. I then start re-assuring myself & repeat all the good advice I have received on here -- i.e.. The fact that she didn't truly love me, I deserve better and there is someone out there that is more fitting for me and will truly love and appreciate me.

Here is something interesting... today has been a little bit strange, I haven't been set back or anything, but allow me to explain. I was thinking about our relationship (which happens now and again, but is happening much less)... and I briefly thought about how things culminated to her getting with the new guy (John), whilst I was thinking about this.. things really started to click in my head.
When they first met, they were talking on Facebook and msn for a few days and then they went out once to grab lunch (this was all whilst things were completely fine with my ex and I)... like I said things were completely normal, then a few days later my ex told me how she felt -- she thought some things were easier to do at uni if you are single, a part of her wants to be single the other part doesn't, she said she felt uncomfortable in a relationship etc etc...

Then came the 2 week period where she decided to just see how things went because she thought it could possibly be a phase she's in... I gave her as much space as I could, whilst still letting her know I really love her and wanted things to work... During these 2 weeks, she began to hang out and talk to John a lot more. Since I know they are now seeing each other, things just clicked in my head.
Things like.. how he asked her to go to lunch with him in a restaurant.. how she would call me for 10 minutes saying goodnight, and then say "John is just gonna call me" and then they would speak for hours (whenever I tried calling her 2 hours later or so, her phone was still busy)... how she used to invite him to social gatherings and talk about him to me quite often... you see during those 2 weeks they got much closer. I completely trusted her 100% so I didn't think anything would happen, and besides.. I wanted to give her space during that time as well...

This kind of made me think.. even though she told our mutual friend about John 3 weeks after leaving me, she could well have been seeing him earlier. They could have been seeing each other immediately after she left me or only a few days after, who knows..?.
Anyway... since I know they are seeing each other now, a part of me had a strong feeling that actually... she left me for another guy, the reason she left me was because she thought the grass was greener on the other side. I had been thinking about all the times she would tell me they were speaking on the phone, or the times they would hang out etc... it just makes me think, perhaps she started to like him even back then (when we were together)... and the real reason she felt uncomfortable in a relationship was because she started liking this John dude...

NOW, let me clear something up for you... I was thinking like that for a brief moment... THEN I quickly realised thinking like that was going to do me no good what so ever!. so I got on to this website, started reading through posts and read through this whole thread again, I'm now back on track!.
I've said it 100 times - I know that I will never know WHY she left me, WHY she felt uncomfortable in a relationship all of a sudden -- it may well be that she was interested in John so she left me, it could be another reason and now John is just a rebound - WHO KNOWS!. but there is no point dwelling on why!
So basically, once I got all those thoughts out of my system, I regained focus and thought; I am never ever going to realise why she left me... so there is no point in me thinking about it anymore!.

Whatever the reason... she didn't truly love me and her actions proved this.. and also, I deserve to be treated better... that is my closure and that is the kind of attitude I have carried and will continue to carry... (even our mutual friend - who is a girl.. told me that I deserve better than my ex and she also said that I am better looking than this John dude and a better person overall)..

Well anyway guys, as I have mentioned before on here... I am going travelling to europe for 6-8 weeks. I can't WAIT!. its going to be an amazing experience, and I will discover and learn a lot about myself and I believe it will help me with this breakup as well... I will try to post whilst I am there (if I get time)... if not, I will definitely post a huge update when I get back, letting you all know about my progress with the breakup!. I plan to just completely chill out, clear my head, have fun and do things for myself whilst I am there.. hopefully when I get back I will have healed even more - what do you guys think?. any advice?.

Oh.. I almost forgot to mention! Its been 7 weeks of solid NC so far and she called me yesterday afternoon. I knew it was her even though the number didn't come up on screen, it only showed 'No Number'... (when I first initiated NC she was calling me from 'No Number' & I never picked up)... well, I looked at my phone, chuckled to myself and threw it to one side whilst it was still ringing. It eventually stopped ringing and I'll admit, I thought about it for a few minutes (ie. Thinking why would she call).. but you will be glad to know that I got on with the rest of my day just as normal and didn't even think about it afterwards!. it felt good!. I can certainly say NC is helping!

I still have my bad days, which is normal really.. isnt it?. but lately the good days are starting to outnumber the bad!. and I think this will continue and I will get stronger as the days go by, especially after I am back from my europe trip. I guess today I just had a weird moment where I was thinking about how my ex and John got together - and it made me think that perhaps she left me for him... perhaps I am one of those guys who's girlfriend left him for someone else.
BUT I want you guys to all know lound and clear that... I have realised yet again that this is not the right way to think, I will NEVER know why she left me since she gave me no real closure (her reason for leaving me was that she felt uncomfortable in a relationship & she didn't know why) - so there could be many many reasons and there is NO POINT in thinking 'why why why'...
For a brief moment I was thinking about the possible reason she could have left me, BUT I am back on track and I feel better than yesterday and hopefully tomorrow I will feel better than today... Anyway, just wanted to get it all out of my system and tell you guys..

Thanks for reading people :)... Any responses would really help!